immri

so I really, really want to drink today. i'm 44 days sober, the longest in many years and i'm definitely seeing some positive changes but there's a lot that's very difficult too (well duh, life!) I'm posting this as both a way of seeking some support and keeping myself connected here, but also because I'm wondering if anyone has any experience with this

I'm absolutely obsessing about alcohol today,
theres also a lot of festival things on at the moment, pop up bars and food trucks everywhere and a nice atmosphere all around that I'd like to go experience, but even if i keep myself home I equally want to just sit here and drink
I have the day off, I have enough money to spare for some wine, I've already made dinner for the people i live with even though its only 1030 am(I do the cooking for us all so it's a responsibility that often keeps me accountable) so I don't have to worry about that, I've taken my dog for a walk, I've emailed some work through to my boss, I don't really have anything I need to worry about today. I think because of all that i'm finding it a little easier than normal to justify why I could drink today. Thing is I think I can actually control this and get through it, it's driving me crazy and i hate it but I'm working on separating myself from that AV and also trying to do some yoga and go for a swim and watch some distracting shows or movies, that all helps me. I've made a nice coffee and have some chocolate almonds that help a bit, and I just had a nice cold shower that pulls me out of myself a little.



What i'm more concerned about is the last few times I relapsed (after just a week or so each time) was after obsessing like this, thinking I had it under control, and then I would just grab something if alcohol was in the house or my neighbour/friend or just walked the 5 mins to the bottle shop and bought something almost without thinking. I know logically it can't be that I didn't think at all, but it's honestly like something snapped and I was on auto pilot and I just did it, rushed there grabbed something and had a swig before I could even ask wtf am I doing?! i immediately regretted it every time, but after the first drink I could never stop

I'm concerned about that happening today, or really anytime in the future but today particularly, and I'm not sure what to do
any advice, experience or support is very welcome

Dee74

First off you need to stop future tripping

I lead a full life these days - I can go to festivals and concerts and whatever else and not even think of drinking.

It took me a little time to get to that point tho. I go on about building sober muscles but it really is like that...it takes time but you absolutely get there, I guarantee it.

As far as the obsessing goes. Try not to get into a dialogue about how much you're missing out on.

There's absolutely no reason why you can't have a great summer/autumn/winter/spring sober - I had nothing to base my ideas on about what a sober happy life would be - I'd been drinking and drugging for 30 years - but I had faith when the folks here told me it was not only possible, but preferable.

I'm passing on that same reassurance to you, Immri - it'll be ok

D

Inchworm

Wow. I've been doing some obsessing today as well so I thought to come here. It's cold and snowy outside, I've done some sorting through books that I could donate, some laundry, made dinner.....but all the while looking with longing at my husbands's bottle of wine. I think what we both need is a shot of spirituality and it seems to have forsaken me today. Maybe we need to just ask our Higher Power for some help. Let's, shall we?

biminiblue

Keep distracting.

Call a sober friend and talk it out.

Make it through this. I've absolutely had more than one time where I allowed myself to dwell on the thoughts too long.

Play it through - how will it end? Sick, embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, hungover, etc. Think about that part.

Read some newcomers threads. No one is ever glad they caved. Ever.

advbike

hi immri, sorry that you're hearing the addictive voice today.. I'm quite familiar with that, being somewhat obsessive by nature, and having relapsed many times before I was able to stay sober for good. What happened to me that stopped the obsession was a couple of amazingly serendipitous events that occurred in my first 30 days, that miraculously prevented me from drinking, when I had already begun the mental process of "justifying" it.

I'll spare you the stories, but after the second time, I realized something or someone (a higher power?) was giving me another chance to hang onto my sobriety. And at the same time, it became very clear to me that it was the act of obsessing about having a drink that inevitably led me back to it. Every time. So I decided from then on I would never again contemplate taking a drink. I would always shut down the thought immediately as "not an option".

This technique has worked spectacularly well for me. If the thought came up, for whatever enticing reason, I killed it without mercy. And after 6 months or so I never even had the thought pop into my head anymore. At 18 months now, my AV has gone quiet.

simplex

You can make it through. I think something that stood out was saying how you noticed how you obsessed in the past and led to drinking. That always got me on auto pilot, thinking well ive failed a lot and probably will in the future so off to it. But this time doesnt have to be like that. 44 days is awesome I hope you keep going.

Verte

Yes.

I went through a recent slow build up of this recently - like willingly getting all dressed up to go to an Almodovar film. A thrilling, beautiful, devastating disaster. Glad to say that I am out of it today and finally have greater peace.

A lot of memories are tied to this time of year for me. Along with every other time of year I realized. Part of making it this long if life are the collection of amazing along with the absolutely and totally devastating. Darn lucky. I had to keep playing all the romance through. Repeatedly.

It is hard. But play all those memories through. Everyone here always suggests playing it through and for good reason. Why did you decide to stop drinking? At one point it must have felt imperative. Refocus!

Stick around SR all night long. Tomorrow is a new day.

Anna

Have faith that you can and will make it through this obsessive day. And, know for sure, that the next time it happens, it will be easier because you got through today.

leb

Hi, I used to plan everything and get all my chores done and organise life so that I could drink. After all I deserve it don't I ? Look at what I've achieved today!

I think its a process which could be part of binge drinking. What do you think?

immri

Thanks for the replies everyone it's really helping, I agree with everything you've all said its so much easier for others to point it out than to get to these (seemingly obvious) conclusions on your own when you're brain feels all foggy and confused.
still trying my best, seems to be coming in waves. sticking around here for a while i think

immri

i know every logical reason why i shouldn't, but i really want to go buy some baileys and I'm currently feeling like oh well its pretty low alcohol and i never got drunk off that and i could put it in my coffee surely that wouldn't be SO bad, 'normal' people do that
its sick, i know it and i know I've never stopped at one, but maybe this time…
agh

thanks for listening guys

Verte

How about a nice cold liter of water with some sliced lemons or cucumbers and some more yoga? Hang in there!

Dee74

pure AV.

The AV needs you to pull this off. It needs your legs to go buy some booze and your arms to raise the glass to your lips.

Don't engage with it. Re-read some old posts of yours.

as for not getting drunk...that's the the biggest lie of all. Since when have we had that control?

D

immri

thanks guys, this is the stuff i need to hear and struggle to see for myself when i'm 'in it' you know? i've got a soda water with lemon and some nice music on (not the kind i got drunk to)and am going to read my old stuff good idea, somehow i forget how bad it was - so crazy.
i really appreciate the support

sva777

Don't give in, you made it far already.