Not sure if I should be here
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 984
Cohiba, I feel you man. It's tough to find the point in sobriety when depression sets in. I entered a bad rut yesterday at Day 34 from a depression standpoint. It's just tuesday and I don't yet have a plan for this weekend, when part of me is just thinking "f-this, just drink Friday." However, I know where that will make me feel Monday. The stuff making me depressed will still be there and I'll heap on top of it more shame about drinking. So I'm taking it one day at a time, but committing to coming on here daily and signing in on the 24-hour thread and posting elsewhere.
Keep checking in here as much as possible as support. If you have a smartphone, log on at work too. Although At first I was terrified my employer would search my web history and see I was on a sobriety message board, I realized if that happens, they probably wouldn't do anything, so I have used my computer at work too.
I figure that getting sober is priority #1 and then other things, with hard work and planning, will fall into place after.
Keep checking in here as much as possible as support. If you have a smartphone, log on at work too. Although At first I was terrified my employer would search my web history and see I was on a sobriety message board, I realized if that happens, they probably wouldn't do anything, so I have used my computer at work too.
I figure that getting sober is priority #1 and then other things, with hard work and planning, will fall into place after.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Cohiba, based on your response, it doesn't appear that your circle of friends is the main issue, and I believe you. It sounds like you might be your own worst enemy. I get it. Coke will bring you down eventually, booze will bring you down eventually. You are doing both. You sound like a really smart guy and know what you want to do, its doing it that's the problem. Something has to click in your head, some rational thought, that will assist you in being able to say "no" to yourself or that line on the mirror.
I don't like to talk about this as it was long ago, but I used to do coke when with my buddies, I loved it. I really did. These guys were mid level distributors so it was free and it was pure. We'd do these 2 day binges, strippers, the whole 9 yards. At that age it was cool, right? Wrong, while we were doing this, there were kids our age getting their engineering and medical degrees while we played scarface. Eventually I wanted out, I wanted to grow up. I didn't want to be 40 living that lifestyle. I'd seen those guys and I knew what I thought of them. So, I had an a-ha moment. I did it one last time about 4 months later, didn't like it. Haven't touched it since. I had opportunities in my 30's to participate in that behavior from time to time and just said "sorry guys, don't do that anymore, you guys knock yourself out". Same with alcohol during the week, I'm a contractor and am offered alcohol all the time after work with other contractors. I politely decline, and they'll usually offer me a water which I always take.
You can do this Cohiba, I know you are feeling low right now. This weekend try very hard to walk away from it. You won't hate yourself come Monday. But you know that.
I don't like to talk about this as it was long ago, but I used to do coke when with my buddies, I loved it. I really did. These guys were mid level distributors so it was free and it was pure. We'd do these 2 day binges, strippers, the whole 9 yards. At that age it was cool, right? Wrong, while we were doing this, there were kids our age getting their engineering and medical degrees while we played scarface. Eventually I wanted out, I wanted to grow up. I didn't want to be 40 living that lifestyle. I'd seen those guys and I knew what I thought of them. So, I had an a-ha moment. I did it one last time about 4 months later, didn't like it. Haven't touched it since. I had opportunities in my 30's to participate in that behavior from time to time and just said "sorry guys, don't do that anymore, you guys knock yourself out". Same with alcohol during the week, I'm a contractor and am offered alcohol all the time after work with other contractors. I politely decline, and they'll usually offer me a water which I always take.
You can do this Cohiba, I know you are feeling low right now. This weekend try very hard to walk away from it. You won't hate yourself come Monday. But you know that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 121
Thanks for all the messages guys really appreciate it. I think the problem is me at the moment I got myself in this trend of getting ****** because my life was a bit **** and couldn't see a change then I made the change and with only 6 months or so hard work I will be in the position I have wanted to be for years, but instead of working I carried on burying my head in the sand drinking and drugging it to massive levels.
I still am being a grumpy **** at the moment and this week will take the Bulls vy
By the horns and sort my **** out.
Thanks for the help guys it is really appreciated.
I still am being a grumpy **** at the moment and this week will take the Bulls vy
By the horns and sort my **** out.
Thanks for the help guys it is really appreciated.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 121
SOOOOO
I am still feeling ****** BUT and this is a big BUT things may work out. I sat down and wrote down everything I felt come to my head and made a list of priorities. I worked out why I lapsed previously and have realized it is my money concern, I have a large payment due in a month which if I don't make my life will be unthinkable and have just kept drinking to forget it.
I have requested a loan online to consolidate my existing debt and this debt, I am hoping it will be approved as is about 20% of my annual salary over two years and this will solve a huge issue. I didn't realize before when I was at 12 days and everything was going smoothly this was the trigger that worried me.
I have made my list and am waiting for a reply tomorrow as it's given an intial APR but needs to go to underwriters. If you guys see me on here tomorrow it has been approved and we will take this step at a time, if not I am hoping to stay strong and stop burying my head in the sand or cocaine and alcohol and find another route.
Hope everyone is well.
I am still feeling ****** BUT and this is a big BUT things may work out. I sat down and wrote down everything I felt come to my head and made a list of priorities. I worked out why I lapsed previously and have realized it is my money concern, I have a large payment due in a month which if I don't make my life will be unthinkable and have just kept drinking to forget it.
I have requested a loan online to consolidate my existing debt and this debt, I am hoping it will be approved as is about 20% of my annual salary over two years and this will solve a huge issue. I didn't realize before when I was at 12 days and everything was going smoothly this was the trigger that worried me.
I have made my list and am waiting for a reply tomorrow as it's given an intial APR but needs to go to underwriters. If you guys see me on here tomorrow it has been approved and we will take this step at a time, if not I am hoping to stay strong and stop burying my head in the sand or cocaine and alcohol and find another route.
Hope everyone is well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 78
I hope that turns out okay for you Cohiba.
Whatever the outcome, booze and cocaine will only compound the problems at hand.
My new dog took a dump on my bedroom carpet earlier. Now I could have charged out of the door and went about my business and left it till now to clean it up, but I did the right thing and sorted the problem right away. It was awful, but I'm glad I did now!
Apologies for the glamourous analogy, but I think you get the picture
Get down to the gym and lift your way through the weekend. You'll feel miles better than waking up with a sick feeling that reflects the thoughts of someone who is struggling with alcohol and drug misuse.
Pulling for ya!
Whatever the outcome, booze and cocaine will only compound the problems at hand.
My new dog took a dump on my bedroom carpet earlier. Now I could have charged out of the door and went about my business and left it till now to clean it up, but I did the right thing and sorted the problem right away. It was awful, but I'm glad I did now!
Apologies for the glamourous analogy, but I think you get the picture
Get down to the gym and lift your way through the weekend. You'll feel miles better than waking up with a sick feeling that reflects the thoughts of someone who is struggling with alcohol and drug misuse.
Pulling for ya!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 121
Time for an update for all of those who are still following (doubt it is many of you as I have relapsed so many times but oh well)
THIS IS SO LONG BUT WORTH IT.
So I will keep this a bit shorter as the whole story since friday could probably be a film. So first I didnt get that money I need urgently which then sent me spiraling out of control Friday and boy do I mean out of control drinking more then I thought was possible, sniffing huge amounts of cocaine, buying and arguing with eastern European dealers who everyone knows to avoid and a new one for me taking large amounts of pain killers.
Anyway I was sitting there at 5am Saturday morning when someone turned up with more coke and I just thought **** this really what am I doing. I left the house went home and slept woke up and has numerous calls about this party Saturday but decided to give it a miss. I then woke up Sunday and thought this is the new start I drunk the last three bulmers in my fridge and said this is a new day starting tomorrow (finished at 1am not drunk but counting tomorrow as sobriety date).
Today I sorted my **** out
1)I consolidated all my debts and money needed with a different loan company after spending the sober weekend researching and now am in a happy better off financially place. This was I know what has been ******* me in the ******** and making me surge this should be my end game.
2) I booked in so much overtime at work that it's nearly impossible for me to go out drinking and the rest of the time I am booked in for training at the gym so should stop my boozing except sundays which are always a lazy non drinking day for me.
3) I have set myself a plan and goals booking a trip back to Thailand where I can fight (amateur thai boxing) giving me a huge incentive to lay off the booze and get back into the shape I was when there two years ago fighting, and using up all my money that would be spent on booze and coke.
4) I will come on here everyday if I have the people to talk to who will hopefully give me one more chance.
I am feeling good, I am classing tomorrow as my sobriety date as want to do this properly. I am young so not going to say never drink ever again as that ****** me before(and please don't lecture me about it because for me saying you can never do something ever again just gets to me and depresses me thinking I could never have a drink at a wedding, a stag do when I get married all the other things ) I can tell you one thing it will be a long long long long time before doing it again and cocaine is off my list forever.
THIS IS SO LONG BUT WORTH IT.
So I will keep this a bit shorter as the whole story since friday could probably be a film. So first I didnt get that money I need urgently which then sent me spiraling out of control Friday and boy do I mean out of control drinking more then I thought was possible, sniffing huge amounts of cocaine, buying and arguing with eastern European dealers who everyone knows to avoid and a new one for me taking large amounts of pain killers.
Anyway I was sitting there at 5am Saturday morning when someone turned up with more coke and I just thought **** this really what am I doing. I left the house went home and slept woke up and has numerous calls about this party Saturday but decided to give it a miss. I then woke up Sunday and thought this is the new start I drunk the last three bulmers in my fridge and said this is a new day starting tomorrow (finished at 1am not drunk but counting tomorrow as sobriety date).
Today I sorted my **** out
1)I consolidated all my debts and money needed with a different loan company after spending the sober weekend researching and now am in a happy better off financially place. This was I know what has been ******* me in the ******** and making me surge this should be my end game.
2) I booked in so much overtime at work that it's nearly impossible for me to go out drinking and the rest of the time I am booked in for training at the gym so should stop my boozing except sundays which are always a lazy non drinking day for me.
3) I have set myself a plan and goals booking a trip back to Thailand where I can fight (amateur thai boxing) giving me a huge incentive to lay off the booze and get back into the shape I was when there two years ago fighting, and using up all my money that would be spent on booze and coke.
4) I will come on here everyday if I have the people to talk to who will hopefully give me one more chance.
I am feeling good, I am classing tomorrow as my sobriety date as want to do this properly. I am young so not going to say never drink ever again as that ****** me before(and please don't lecture me about it because for me saying you can never do something ever again just gets to me and depresses me thinking I could never have a drink at a wedding, a stag do when I get married all the other things ) I can tell you one thing it will be a long long long long time before doing it again and cocaine is off my list forever.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,955
Originally Posted by Cohiba 
T...I didnt get that money I need urgently which then sent me spiraling out of control Friday and boy do I mean out of control drinking more then I thought was possible, sniffing huge amounts of cocaine, buying and arguing with eastern European dealers who everyone knows to avoid and a new one for me taking large amounts of pain killers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 121
Thanks guys, I know I should start a new thread but love having it all documented here so can keep reading back over the journey I have been on.
Might sound weird but it helps me.
Might sound weird but it helps me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 5,700
Originally Posted by Cohiba
Thanks guys, I know I should start a new thread but love having it all documented here so can keep reading back over the journey I have been on.
Might sound weird but it helps me.
Might sound weird but it helps me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 28
I used to be a huge coke head, I got scared when a ladies voice in my head started talking to me telling me to get more. That was July 5th 1984 - NEVER AGAIN - So far...
I used to get head tripped about "never again". I don't any more.
I don't know your religious background but here's something I've learned from the Bible.
Matt 6:34 "So never be anxious about the next day, for the next day will have its own anxieties. Each day has enough of its own troubles."
Speaking for His heavenly Father, Jesus knew that we are not designed to deal with a life time of stress. In Matt 5 & 6 he describes the priorities that make for true happiness and concludes with the statement above.
ONE DAY AT A TIME
This does not come natural to me or anyone else I've met in my 54 years. I've found it takes daily reminders and for me, Bible study and prayer to keep myself from becoming overwhelmed with the anxieties that life seems to want to entrap you with.
My best to you.
- D
I used to get head tripped about "never again". I don't any more.
I don't know your religious background but here's something I've learned from the Bible.
Matt 6:34 "So never be anxious about the next day, for the next day will have its own anxieties. Each day has enough of its own troubles."
Speaking for His heavenly Father, Jesus knew that we are not designed to deal with a life time of stress. In Matt 5 & 6 he describes the priorities that make for true happiness and concludes with the statement above.
ONE DAY AT A TIME
This does not come natural to me or anyone else I've met in my 54 years. I've found it takes daily reminders and for me, Bible study and prayer to keep myself from becoming overwhelmed with the anxieties that life seems to want to entrap you with.
My best to you.
- D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 121
Thanks for the messages of support guys.
As said previously counting today as my first real sober day and what a day it has been I took some earlier advice (think it was dee so cheers) and got a real plan going and it is working amazing at the moment even turned down a drink tonight I cleared the debts needed that have been causing my to spiral, focused hard at work and made a career plan with them, was offered to go for a few beers but said no stating im not drinking , brought study material to improve my career and topped the day with healthy eating and a four mile run. I have planned out my weekends so I am either working, gym or plans such as cinema for the next month. So I am really hoping this time it works.
I have no more excuses to fall back on such as money worries etc so this is my time to prove myself.
As said previously counting today as my first real sober day and what a day it has been
I took some earlier advice (think it was dee so cheers) and got a real plan going and it is working amazing at the moment even turned down a drink tonight I cleared the debts needed that have been causing my to spiral, focused hard at work and made a career plan with them, was offered to go for a few beers but said no stating im not drinking , brought study material to improve my career and topped the day with healthy eating and a four mile run. I have planned out my weekends so I am either working, gym or plans such as cinema for the next month. So I am really hoping this time it works.I have no more excuses to fall back on such as money worries etc so this is my time to prove myself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Great job Cohiba. This is likely none of my business so take it as its meant which is strictly cautionary support. If you've consolidated your financial situation so that money is not stressing you out, don't go out and blow that new found financial freedom on booze and coke.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 121
Thanks thomas11 I won't be
Today is the proudest I have been of myself in a while, had a really **** day at work and usually would go get some beers but nope came home and chilled with a up of tea
AND EVEN BETTER this weekend is bank holiday weekend so all my friends are in our group whats app on the phone planning to get loads of coke, mdma and booze and go crazy on a three day binge with a different club planned every night not me tomorrow I am going to the cinema with a friend who currently cant drink due to medication, then Friday night have agreed to meet with a work friend to work on a project for work who is very serious about no drinking when working and then Saturday evening ending it a private boxing session at the gym already paid for, so just need to sort sunday but assuming most my friends will be in bed dying from the previous nights.
Really feel like this is a fresh start, I know I have said it before but this feels different. I suppose the test is going to be what I post here on monday will it be happiness or regret.
Today is the proudest I have been of myself in a while, had a really **** day at work and usually would go get some beers but nope came home and chilled with a up of tea
AND EVEN BETTER this weekend is bank holiday weekend so all my friends are in our group whats app on the phone planning to get loads of coke, mdma and booze and go crazy on a three day binge with a different club planned every night not me tomorrow I am going to the cinema with a friend who currently cant drink due to medication, then Friday night have agreed to meet with a work friend to work on a project for work who is very serious about no drinking when working and then Saturday evening ending it a private boxing session at the gym already paid for, so just need to sort sunday but assuming most my friends will be in bed dying from the previous nights.
Really feel like this is a fresh start, I know I have said it before but this feels different. I suppose the test is going to be what I post here on monday will it be happiness or regret.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Ab, Canada
Posts: 6
Way to go Cohiba, keep up the good work! Staying busy is the key. Personally, I use what would have been my drunk time to study and learn, beats blacking out and wondering what stupid **** I did. Hope to see you in the same mood/mind state on Monday! 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 121
cheers guys trying to stay positive the messages really help
Tonight I have just got home the first night of the bank holiday weekend sober and even better managed to turn down two different invites for drinking/drugs which I would usually snap up in a second.
Hoping it lasts and best of luck to all of you guys.
Tonight I have just got home the first night of the bank holiday weekend sober
and even better managed to turn down two different invites for drinking/drugs which I would usually snap up in a second.Hoping it lasts and best of luck to all of you guys.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 121
Day four sober today and 2nd night of bank holiday weekend and I am at home alcohol free again
I am honestly bored out of my brains but think it will take a while to get used to not drinking
I spoke to my friends who went out last night and hearing the stories just made me happy I didn't go out.
and 2nd night of bank holiday weekend and I am at home alcohol free again I am honestly bored out of my brains but think it will take a while to get used to not drinking
I spoke to my friends who went out last night and hearing the stories just made me happy I didn't go out.
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