nymets86

Cohiba, it's been 6 days since we heard from you. I hope you are doing well and stayed sober over the weekend and got to enjoy the fight without being worried about drinking too much and then staying up all night on a coke bender.

Keep us posted! Hopefully you are making progress, but if not, come back on here and keep trying!

Cohiba

I am still here guys, I lapsed and am in bed feeling horrible. I didn't even enjoy it. Back to day one sorry not typing much guys feel so **** it's unreal.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back cohiba. Sorry you drank again, is there anything we can to do help this time be different?

nymets86

Cohiba, sorry to hear that happened. I was exactly where you were 12 days ago, having completed a long stretch of sobriety (62 days), then just being stupid and thinking it would be fun to drink again, and too hard to say no to a friend I was with, and wound up regretting it big time.

I just came right back on here and went right back on getting sober. Last week I came within 2 minutes of another relapse when I went to a bar when I easily could have skipped it. However, I played the tape forward and thought how bad the next morning would feel and I white knuckled my way through that night.

This isn't easy at all. I don't think it's easy for anybody, but I know that you are also in your 20s and I think that presents some other issues since drinking is still very common. Similarly, I think we can trick ourselves at this age that "I can get sober in my 30s" or "I'm in my 20s and this isn't a problem."

Anyway, keep posting here.

You don't have to if you don't want to, but might be helpful to talk through what happened that led you to winding up where you are now. I'm not sure what your work schedule is at your new job, but obviously if you are in bed on a Monday and missed work, then there's definitely a problem with your drinking/coke use.

Dee74

welcome back Cohiba

D

thomas11

Hi Cohiba, sorry to hear that you don't feel well, but very glad to hear from you. Hope you can get right back at it.

Cohiba

Hey everyone thanks for the messages, I really didn't feel like talking yesterday and to be honest don't today but am forcing myself to.

I double lapsed and deep down knew I would. The boxing night I tried to stay strong but some idiot there kept buying me shots and making a big deal when I refused them so I got hammered then brought a gram of gear at 4am so pointless I know then the fights over and everyone's going home, I find myself in bed at 6am finishing the gear so the temptation won't be there tomorrow.

I wake up Sunday and my mates come to get me go for food I'm still drunk when awake think who cares no work Monday as a bank holiday carry on drinking then comes the coke I then realised about 3am I was chatting rubbish and making everyone awkward so left and don't remember getting home.

I can't believe I wasted 32 days for a weekend that I hated and made a fool of myself again. I know I need to start over again but at the moment I just don't care feel so rubbish.

Dee74

Use it as a learning experience, Cohiba.

D

nymets86

Cohiba, I've never met you, but could tell from your posts that you were likely leaning toward drinking/drugging for the fight. Just something about the way you said you didn't like the format of the new site and were finding the forums to be kind of boring. Was just a sense I got that you were trying to distance yourself from your sobriety tool.

Anyway, you had 32 days and then it sounds like 2 bad days. When I drank two weeks ago, I just went easy on myself and counted my next day of sobriety as day 63 of 64. For me, the counting is helping right now, and I don't think I'm cheating anyone by keeping a count like that. At least for me, it just keeps me more motivated to rack up sober days. Even with a relapse, it's still MUCH better than I've done in a very long time.

I guess one more thing I'd do is caution you against blaming the "idiot" who kept buying you shots. It may seem like he forced you to drink, but fact is that he didn't. You made the conscious choice to start drinking. For me, it's easier to actually accept the blame and realize that I can make a different choice the next time.

Cohiba

I am starting a fresh again I honestly realise now drink doesn't go well with me, I wasn't even enjoying the drinking it was a habit.

I suppose everything happen for a reason and I fell out with a lot of people this weekend due to drink related arguments but it honestly may have been for the best as I won't see them for a long time and they are big drinkers.

I need to sort my head out I was in such a good way a few days ago then the booze and coke comes back into my life and I'm a mess. I know it's evil and I hate it I just keep thinking am I going to keep failing? I wish someone where I live was the same instead of just loving drugs.

I know my problem is with booze I get too excited and can't say no then I buy cocaine and can't stop.

site1Q84

Welcome back Cohiba.

Sounds like you've changed your tune a bit.. I believe before you just wanted some time sober, and it almost sounded like you were "planning your relapse, if you will. This time it sounds like you mean business, which is a good change. Once you realize what a problem you have it gets a little easier to fight it.

This is definitely a good place to start and there's so much support on here. Just stick with it and remember what it feels like when you're not hung over and embarrassed

nymets, I love what you said about playing the tape forward. I haven't heard that expression but what sense it makes! I'm always thinking about what I'm feeling in the moment, or what I felt in the past, never what I'm going to feel tomorrow...

Cohiba

Ok I need to knock this on the head once and for all. Alcohol, cocaine, vallium, laughing gas, MDMA, speed or any other drug I do or have done does not agree with me there is something in my genes (it just not work for me I am not like everyone else with drink and drugs).

I am stopping now no more stupid excuses or putting myself in situations I will lapse and then thinking oh well I have had one might as well get off my trolley.

I quit it all, my life was so much better without any of it.

nymets86

I think the very end says it all, and I feel the same way. Life is better without alcohol.

Unfortunately, it will always be around, so have to figure out how to deal with it.

Seems like you are making good progress and realizing that any mind altering substance gets you hooked.

I've tried coke and it didn't do anything for me. I guess I'm lucky there. I smoke pot from time to time and enjoy it, but never really crave it or get to the point I do stuff I later regret. But alcohol, ha, no, I've been down that road way too many times and it doesn't work for me.

I just had to think about it pretty hard to come up with the last time I smoked. I know all too well the last couple times I've drank .

Dee74

It had to be all of nothing for me too Cohiba.
What drugs I used were almost secondary to some urge within me to obliterate myself.

My AV didn't care what drug I used so long as I got wasted.

D

nymets86

How is your week going Cohiba?

Do you have a sober plan for this weekend?

doggonecarl

Putting it out there is fine. But nothing changes if nothing changes. Vowing to quit and then not making the necessary changes in one's life almost assures you'll fail again.

Removing yourself from situations that in the past have led to drinking and drugging is a great first step. But recovery is about coping without drugs and alcohol, and I not seen any posts where you address the deeper issues and how you are dealing with them.

Cohiba

Thanks for the messages of support guys. My week is not going well, I have not drunk but am feeling really depressed hoping its the booze coming out of me.

Tomorrow I am emptying the house of all drug/alcohol/paraphernalia etc I need a change and this needs to happen.

In the past few days I have broken off some relationships with friends causing big deals over little things but think I am doing it to end bad drinking relationships with them. I have argued with family which I hate but a lot of it has been to do with drinking mine and theirs.

I need a fresh start.

site1Q84

Good for you! Sounds like you're making some serious changes this time around.

It's not always easy, and not all relationships (friends or family) make it through unscathed, but it's worth it in the end

nymets86

Yeah, I think it can be hard to tell the difference between depression caused by drinking and just depression. Taking alcohol out really helps figure out which is which.

For me, I know the worst depression episodes are right after serious bouts of heavy drinking. So taking those out have really made a difference for me the last couple months.

Definitely don't beat yourself up too much over what happened over the last weekend. Even though it sounds like things suck right now, I'm sure it's better than a bender.

thenewguy

Cohiba, are you reaching out or utilizing any form of support? It can be very difficult to "go it alone" in early recovery. Perhaps test the waters and check out an AA or NA meeting?