Day 1 :(
 

This nonsense that I've started back up again stops today. I cannot handle drinking and I certainly am not in control. So back to basics. I just did the AVRT crash course again. I let the beast in and it's kicking my ass and making me into a person that I don't like. I got drunk last night and fought with my boyfriend.... said things that I shouldn't have said. My son heard us and got very upset and was crying. I am an ******* of the highest caliber. I hate myself today and wish that I hadn't started drinking again. I love my family and I don't want to hurt them. Fcuk alcohol!! Evil destructive poison!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HG7I4oniOyA

You can do this Zen, don't beat yourself up too much, keep your eye on the prize and move forward!!

We all started with a Day 1!! Keep pushing through!! :)

Zenchaser-you're getting into a really bad cycle and I am worried about you.

How are you going to deal with things differently this time?
Seriously, do NOT let alcohol be an option. Toss it out and DO NOT pick more up.

I've been where you're at in terms of picking back up again. I almost did not get out of that cycle when I was first on SR, but think I got lucky. You have the power to stop this, but you have to make some decisions that do not allow alcohol in and you have to commit to that sobriety. It's really hard, but you NEED to do this, not just for you, but for your family. Otherwise, you're going to keep going on the path you're going. With continued use and abuse, the road is not pretty. PLEASE commit to being sober today.

You can do this - back to day 1

Strategery I'm worried about me too. Drinking is really damaging me and my relationships. I hurt my family last night. I have to stop for good and work on making things right. There is somthing wrong with my brain that I would keep doing it despite all the evidence of how destcructive. I wish I could crawl into a hole and disappear today.

Alcohol addiction is really hard to kick. It becomes our coping mechanism for everything.
When we stop we are left with suppressed raw emotions that come back with a vengeance.

Embrace every emotion, try not to run away from them. If you are pissed off, acknowledge it and try to find what is causing you to feel this way.

I'm rambling, sorry! Just keep strong and don't drink, no matter what.

Remember this Zen print off this thread you never have to feel like this again

Are you going to do anything diffrently bud ?

Hate the addiction, not the addicted Zen.

It's good to have you, the real you, back :)

D

You sound ready zen - we know you can do it this time & never go back. :) Congrats on Day One!

Hi Zenchaser,

You're a nice person.

I've read some of your previous posts Zenchaser and, in my considered opinion...

You seem like a really lovely person

your brain is doing what mine and most other people in SR are doing ie saying that you need a drink. There really are proper chemical explanations behind why we do that but whatever the science, you want a drink...

It's a lie,

you want a drink.. but you don't need a drink, it's not the same thing

You're a strong and intelligent woman ZenC

You'll be much stronger without it

It's a lie

Something that helped me, zenchaser, was learning how to sit. I'm not talking about proper posture or chair selection, but learning how to sit with my feelings, how to simply be with them, without getting blown away by them or sucked into the vortex.

The key for me was learning how to be aware of my feelings and emotions, but as somebody else who is watching me, from the outside looking in, or watching me on camera, something like that. Intead of the immediate emotional reaction - 'gaaagggh why don't you ever/why do you always.....', you get to observe your reaction first, before feeling the need to react.

Since you already know about this mindfulness idea from the Addictive Voice Recognition tool, you can very easily use the exact same tool in managing your emotions and stress level. Look for 'mindfulness anger control' or something like that, you will find lots of great information. The bonus is that it has a great tie in with AVRT.

Hang in, zenchaser. You chose to drink, and succeeded. Now it's time to succeed with the flip side, right? So much good is waiting for you, all you need to do is to say yes to it by staying sober.

((Zen))....I'm really glad you came back here!
Make things right with your family and move forward. Don't get caught up in re-living what happened as that does nothing but feed the beast. We are here to support you and I have every confidence that this will be your last day one!

Zenchaser. I lost the love of my life and my best friend 4 months ago. She just could not handle it anymore. It hurts me so much that she left. I am not going to make that mistake again. Going sober is a lot easier than losing loved ones.

Can definitely relate with wanting to disappear into a hole after a drinking episode, esp when it affects those you love. I also drank despite being embarrassed etc, since the memory would fade with time. The great thing is that you can use this experience to move forward and why you shouldn't drink.
Dee mentioned one thing on the boards once that really made a difference in my sobriety. He was mentioning that if you're struggling to get 30 days, other options may need to be incorporated to get sober (inpatient, outpatient). Keep hanging in there. You're in my thoughts and prayers. :hug:

I wish you the best. We all screw up sometimes. We're only human.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support and encouragment.... it has brought me to tears.

I hope my boyfriend can forgive me..... I certainly don't deserve him after treating him so cruelly. I talked with my son and told him that I'd had too much to drink and wasn't behaving like myself and that that is why I've been trying to quit. He should not of witnessed us fighting..... never would of happened had I been sober. Very very humbling conversation.

I need to stay present in each moment and not pick a drink and maintain the absolute firmest commitment to permanent abstinence.

((Zen))....you can do this. You have to believe that you can do this.
I know you never want to have that kind of conversation with your son again.
This is your time, zen.

What did you say to your boyfriend and why? (Dont type your answers if you dont feel like you can share).

The reason why i ask is that sometimes alcohol makes things easier to say. Was there any truth behind your words? What do you think you were trying to say when you said those words? Is there anything that is worrying you about your boyfriend?

If there is truth behind your words, then it might be a good idea to sit down and talk them out. Start by saying something like, "I really want to make our relationship stronger so I wanted to tell you how i feel about...".

If you dont think you can just hash them out together you might want to get a counselor or mediator to help.

The good thing about today and how you feel is that you dont have to feel like this again due to alcohol. This can be the end of this craziness.

Whwn you ask is there something wrong with you that keeps you continue to do this despite all the bad things that happen... thats addiction and we are ALL dealing with it.

Double down and go again Zen.

Oh I was brutally honest.... honest to a pretty big fault. What's that Grateful Dead line? Honest to the point of recklessnes, self centered to the extreme. That was me last night. It was the same fight that we always have but my delivery of what I'm unhappy about was terrible. I should of just shut up and gone to bed.....

My bad behaviour is going to be the catalyst for stopping again. I can do this. I can get this right.