Alcohol helped calm my nerves, now what?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: little rock, ar
Posts: 7
Alcohol helped calm my nerves, now what?
Im fairly new to SR, but need advice about something Im about to face sober. As an RA who has experienced sobriety & relapses for the past 3 years, I hv faced many situations in life that I hv learned to cope with being sober. However Im about to face a situation that is something I really struggle with that probably seems juvenile to most. I debated on posting this, but maybe one of you out there has some advice that can help. So laugh if you want but I have major anxiety about going on first dates being sober. After a few relapses, I learned that I relied on alcohol to calm my nerves before meeting someone in person for the first time in a romantic setting. I have avoided social situations a lot bc of this anxiety. But I finally learned that for myself personally, that I become very unhappy if I don't hv a social life & do all sobriety (vice versus too). To hv success in sobriety I learned I need a balance of the two... Just still learning as I go.
Ok a little history: met a gentlemen through mutual friends & started chatting on FB, that progressively turned into texting & now we talk over the phone. This all began February 1st. After getting to know ea other better, I had the whole Im a RA talk. Went surprisingly well & he's more than ok with it, in fact supportive. He doesn't know much about alcoholism & actually had some very interesting questions. So Im ready to meet him in person on a date, though I hv put him off several times & he surprisingly is very patient. But Im really ready to atleast meet, so I hv committed to next Saturday. Its not a matter so much of what we do or where we go bc he will do whatever mks me feel most comfortable. Its more of an issue of me feeling comfortable in my own skin. Even if I wasnt getting drunk (which I laugh that those words 'not drunk' even came fr my mouth) but having a drink to tk the edge off has really helped in the past. Alcohol calms my nerves, helps me feel more confident, more social, even more sexy (that's before it turns into the vicious cycle) and now i can't rely on alcohol. I work in a very social setting & hv no problems, but the mere thought of intimacy & romance scares me to death. First dates are awkward enough on their own & I don't know what I can do to help me feel more at ease being myself. I know this sounds so silly to some, but I was wondering if anyone has felt like this & how to overcome it. My sobriety is so important to me & like I said I end up feeling like something is missing if I cut off my social life. So I want a balance of both & not end up filling up a wine glass to fill the void of something missing in my life.
So with all that said, I am not going to drink & if I thought I wasnt ready for this or strong enough in my sobriety, I wldnt even attempt this. But Im ready & need advice or personal experiences on how to calm my nerves being sober. Im not gonna sit on the sidelines anymore just bc Im sober, I hv learned to hv fun in life without alcohol, Im in my early thirties with no children & still want romance-im not dead, just sober. Any advice on how to not feel so awkward & nervous, wld be much appreciated. Like I said Im not compromising my sobriety for a man or nerves or to hv a little extra confidence bc that's not even a question, its more of a matter of learning how to enjoy this side of my life too being sober. I hv discovered a variety of situations in life that I use to rely on alcohol to do but i hv learned to do these sober & still go & do, SURELY I can learn how to do this too. Suggest away about anything-comfortable settings to some of your tips on how you dealt with similar situations, I don't care what you suggest...Im all ears. Thanks in advance. Sorry for the novel.
Ok a little history: met a gentlemen through mutual friends & started chatting on FB, that progressively turned into texting & now we talk over the phone. This all began February 1st. After getting to know ea other better, I had the whole Im a RA talk. Went surprisingly well & he's more than ok with it, in fact supportive. He doesn't know much about alcoholism & actually had some very interesting questions. So Im ready to meet him in person on a date, though I hv put him off several times & he surprisingly is very patient. But Im really ready to atleast meet, so I hv committed to next Saturday. Its not a matter so much of what we do or where we go bc he will do whatever mks me feel most comfortable. Its more of an issue of me feeling comfortable in my own skin. Even if I wasnt getting drunk (which I laugh that those words 'not drunk' even came fr my mouth) but having a drink to tk the edge off has really helped in the past. Alcohol calms my nerves, helps me feel more confident, more social, even more sexy (that's before it turns into the vicious cycle) and now i can't rely on alcohol. I work in a very social setting & hv no problems, but the mere thought of intimacy & romance scares me to death. First dates are awkward enough on their own & I don't know what I can do to help me feel more at ease being myself. I know this sounds so silly to some, but I was wondering if anyone has felt like this & how to overcome it. My sobriety is so important to me & like I said I end up feeling like something is missing if I cut off my social life. So I want a balance of both & not end up filling up a wine glass to fill the void of something missing in my life.
So with all that said, I am not going to drink & if I thought I wasnt ready for this or strong enough in my sobriety, I wldnt even attempt this. But Im ready & need advice or personal experiences on how to calm my nerves being sober. Im not gonna sit on the sidelines anymore just bc Im sober, I hv learned to hv fun in life without alcohol, Im in my early thirties with no children & still want romance-im not dead, just sober. Any advice on how to not feel so awkward & nervous, wld be much appreciated. Like I said Im not compromising my sobriety for a man or nerves or to hv a little extra confidence bc that's not even a question, its more of a matter of learning how to enjoy this side of my life too being sober. I hv discovered a variety of situations in life that I use to rely on alcohol to do but i hv learned to do these sober & still go & do, SURELY I can learn how to do this too. Suggest away about anything-comfortable settings to some of your tips on how you dealt with similar situations, I don't care what you suggest...Im all ears. Thanks in advance. Sorry for the novel.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Dealing with life Sober is a real fear, so it's not something to be dismissed, we've been relying on alcohol for so long that we almost need to learn to live again without it, and that's going to take time.
But it can be done, keep that perspective to hand, many people out there don't drink and have perfectly happy relationships and go on dates without worrying about not drinking, alcohol is not the centre of the social universe it sometimes seems that it is, or tries to convince us that it is!!
The setting and keeping things relaxed will be important, can it be a coffee date? something more casual to keep you relaxed, rather than dinner and being in a place that serves any alcohol.
It's going to be a learning curve, and like most things in life, the more you do it the more things will improve!!
Most importantly have fun, and look forward to the hangover free next day remembering the whole experience!!
But it can be done, keep that perspective to hand, many people out there don't drink and have perfectly happy relationships and go on dates without worrying about not drinking, alcohol is not the centre of the social universe it sometimes seems that it is, or tries to convince us that it is!!
The setting and keeping things relaxed will be important, can it be a coffee date? something more casual to keep you relaxed, rather than dinner and being in a place that serves any alcohol.
It's going to be a learning curve, and like most things in life, the more you do it the more things will improve!!
Most importantly have fun, and look forward to the hangover free next day remembering the whole experience!!
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Dating is stressful for many people. It's a partly artificial experience loaded with expectations no matter how much we try to limit them. As an analogy, it's rare for many people to feel completely relaxed or even genuine while interviewing for a job they truly want. Except in extreme cases, few people act exactly the same in any part of their lives or at any time in their lives as they do on their first date. This is a defense that is in part in the service of protecting our truer selves from being criticized or rejected.
Having an active social life is fine for those who need it. Few people need to live like a hermit in order to remain sane and sober. Unlike drinking, however, restricting your social life in order to achieve long-term sobriety need not be a life-and-death proposition.
Go on your date. Do what you need to do. If you work out or otherwise exercise, do so -- and anything else that relaxes you (besides the obvious) -- immediately before you go. (Same thing helps many people prior to most stressful events.) You'll come away from it with more information around how you currently stand with dating afterwards.
Having an active social life is fine for those who need it. Few people need to live like a hermit in order to remain sane and sober. Unlike drinking, however, restricting your social life in order to achieve long-term sobriety need not be a life-and-death proposition.
Go on your date. Do what you need to do. If you work out or otherwise exercise, do so -- and anything else that relaxes you (besides the obvious) -- immediately before you go. (Same thing helps many people prior to most stressful events.) You'll come away from it with more information around how you currently stand with dating afterwards.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi Andash.
Here is how I like to approach it, of course it may or may not be appropriate for your personality, your situation, and the partner... but for me and the kinds of people I typically like this usually works pretty well. Also, your situation (that you met online) is ideal for this, especially given that you already discussed some pretty personal things with him. You have time before that first date. I would now discuss these things with him. Not necessarily the sobriety stuff any further, just the feelings of anticipation, anxiety, curiosity... whatever you feel is causing the tension. Not in many details, just briefly mention these things in a sort of playful way... maybe as a kind of fantasy exercise... or plain directly... depends on the person and your interaction history so far. It's hard for me to explain this without actually doing it The trick is to be transparent and honest enough so that you can dissect and neutralize a lot of the anxiety before meeting... but at the same time not getting too deeply into it as that can have the opposite effect. I realize that this kind of communication requires that at least one of you is quite secure about yourself and your feelings, don't know about this in your case. But this approach has worked for me like a charm quite a few times, even with people who were very anxious and quite insecure about meeting first. The idea here is overcoming that interview-like (or market-like) atmosphere by connecting in a very human way, not so afraid of being vulnerable. In my experience, it's really enough if at least one of the two persons feels quite comfortable and confident with it. It's also a good chance to explore a little how you potentially click in a more intimate way, before it happens in 3D reality. It sounds like your friend is confident and nice enough... so maybe just let him know about your anxiety and let him help you
The other thing that typically stresses people out in regards to first dates is probably the question of wth are we going to do? What are we going to talk about when we meet? Here is where the prior online interaction can come to your advantage. I personally plain dislike small talk in private interpersonal situations that are supposed to be in any way intimate, and I think that's what causes a lot of stress often... people trying to come up with some kind of superficial chat at first. Then get stuck or get into a very uncomfortable anxious behavior out of not knowing what to do. I'm sure you get to talk about some interesting things with him online and on the phone... so what I like to do is simply continue one of those conversations when we meet after the first 2 mins of introductory polite gestures. The setting also counts here: I like it simple, meeting for coffee in a quiet place for example. Nothing that requires making choices that we might possibly perceive the other person is judging (eg. what sort of meal we order). Then just sit down and jump into one of the conversation topics that was left off online or over the phone. Can take some improvisation which one. Of course this requires an initiative spirit, don't know if you are like that. But a great way to avoid the awkwardness of "wth now?"
Other that these, what Purpleknight and EndGame said above about stress reduction beforehand, if you feel anxious.
Here is how I like to approach it, of course it may or may not be appropriate for your personality, your situation, and the partner... but for me and the kinds of people I typically like this usually works pretty well. Also, your situation (that you met online) is ideal for this, especially given that you already discussed some pretty personal things with him. You have time before that first date. I would now discuss these things with him. Not necessarily the sobriety stuff any further, just the feelings of anticipation, anxiety, curiosity... whatever you feel is causing the tension. Not in many details, just briefly mention these things in a sort of playful way... maybe as a kind of fantasy exercise... or plain directly... depends on the person and your interaction history so far. It's hard for me to explain this without actually doing it
The trick is to be transparent and honest enough so that you can dissect and neutralize a lot of the anxiety before meeting... but at the same time not getting too deeply into it as that can have the opposite effect. I realize that this kind of communication requires that at least one of you is quite secure about yourself and your feelings, don't know about this in your case. But this approach has worked for me like a charm quite a few times, even with people who were very anxious and quite insecure about meeting first. The idea here is overcoming that interview-like (or market-like) atmosphere by connecting in a very human way, not so afraid of being vulnerable. In my experience, it's really enough if at least one of the two persons feels quite comfortable and confident with it. It's also a good chance to explore a little how you potentially click in a more intimate way, before it happens in 3D reality. It sounds like your friend is confident and nice enough... so maybe just let him know about your anxiety and let him help you The other thing that typically stresses people out in regards to first dates is probably the question of wth are we going to do? What are we going to talk about when we meet? Here is where the prior online interaction can come to your advantage. I personally plain dislike small talk in private interpersonal situations that are supposed to be in any way intimate, and I think that's what causes a lot of stress often... people trying to come up with some kind of superficial chat at first. Then get stuck or get into a very uncomfortable anxious behavior out of not knowing what to do. I'm sure you get to talk about some interesting things with him online and on the phone... so what I like to do is simply continue one of those conversations when we meet after the first 2 mins of introductory polite gestures. The setting also counts here: I like it simple, meeting for coffee in a quiet place for example. Nothing that requires making choices that we might possibly perceive the other person is judging (eg. what sort of meal we order). Then just sit down and jump into one of the conversation topics that was left off online or over the phone. Can take some improvisation which one. Of course this requires an initiative spirit, don't know if you are like that. But a great way to avoid the awkwardness of "wth now?"
Other that these, what Purpleknight and EndGame said above about stress reduction beforehand, if you feel anxious.
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