Therapist just told me AA or the highway.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Therapist just told me AA or the highway.
Forgive me as I unload a bit here. And thanks in advance for listening.
I emailed my therapist and asked her if she had any availablity to see me as I am going through some life transitions and need some guidance. I haven't seen her in a few months.
She returned my call and very adamantly demanded that I either go to rehab or 90 in 90, or both, and will not be able to work with me unless I work a 12 step program.
Anything else would be enabling me.
She assumed that I'm drinking (I'm sober 2 months) was VERY rude and abrupt and said that I will never live up to my potential unless I quit (thanks for that one Copernicus).
I'm having a VERY strong emotional response to this and I wanted to get others perspectives before I return her call.
Is there REALLY only a one size fits all approach to sobriety ?
Thanks in advance for your insight.
I emailed my therapist and asked her if she had any availablity to see me as I am going through some life transitions and need some guidance. I haven't seen her in a few months.
She returned my call and very adamantly demanded that I either go to rehab or 90 in 90, or both, and will not be able to work with me unless I work a 12 step program.
Anything else would be enabling me.
She assumed that I'm drinking (I'm sober 2 months) was VERY rude and abrupt and said that I will never live up to my potential unless I quit (thanks for that one Copernicus).
I'm having a VERY strong emotional response to this and I wanted to get others perspectives before I return her call.
Is there REALLY only a one size fits all approach to sobriety ?
Thanks in advance for your insight.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 269
I wish i would have had your therapist! of course there are many ways to do it, but what do you have to loose to do 90 in 90? about 90 hours of drinking time in 3 months, and who knows, maybe you will make some new friends?
despite my reluctance to start AA (I wanted over 2 months to start), it has been a great support network and program for recovery.
just my two cents.
despite my reluctance to start AA (I wanted over 2 months to start), it has been a great support network and program for recovery.
just my two cents.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
I met with several therapists before I found one I felt good working with. The first one - who claimed to specialize in alcoholism/addiction - had literally never heard of any alternative recovery programs/methods other than AA.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Depends how you view this one I think.
Maybe there is a therapist out there who will continue to work with you and take your money?
Are they a better therapist than the other one though?
Or is it suiting you to hear what you want to hear, so you can avoid AA?
Or have you come across a therapist, who is honest enough to tell you they can't pull an alcoholic around by themselve??
Alcoholic folk have baffled the best minds, psychotherapists, psychiatrists, counsellors and therapists for a loooong time.
Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud (probably the two most famous psychiatrists of all time) eventually refused to work with alcoholism cases after a while.
Too frustrating and heartbreaking.
Maybe there is a therapist out there who will continue to work with you and take your money?
Are they a better therapist than the other one though?
Or is it suiting you to hear what you want to hear, so you can avoid AA?
Or have you come across a therapist, who is honest enough to tell you they can't pull an alcoholic around by themselve??
Alcoholic folk have baffled the best minds, psychotherapists, psychiatrists, counsellors and therapists for a loooong time.
Carl Jung and Sigmund Freud (probably the two most famous psychiatrists of all time) eventually refused to work with alcoholism cases after a while.
Too frustrating and heartbreaking.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,417
I think by now you know there is no one size fits all approach, there are so many successful sober people on this site who have not utilized AA. My bigger concern is your therapist's disregard for your two months sober, and how you have done that. It seems a conversation about that would be in store before any ultimatums were put in place.
That being said, if she is someone who knows you and someone you respect, you should take heed of her words and consider that it is time to do something different this go round. Personally, if I had to return that phone call, I would have a very clear plan of what my goals would be for the conversation, and keep a cool head. If you think her demeanor is bordering unprofessional, call her on it.
Good luck with this, and congrats on your two months.
That being said, if she is someone who knows you and someone you respect, you should take heed of her words and consider that it is time to do something different this go round. Personally, if I had to return that phone call, I would have a very clear plan of what my goals would be for the conversation, and keep a cool head. If you think her demeanor is bordering unprofessional, call her on it.
Good luck with this, and congrats on your two months.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
I don't get it...what are you paying her for again? I would tell her to go pound sand.
If you want to try 90 in 90 then it's your business. I think the run of the mill addiction therapist is used to dealing with patients that are court ordered to see them or something. There is no way a therapist could get away with treating 'regular' patients (i.e. non-alcoholic / addicts) that way and stay in business. Imagine a therapist telling a schizophrenic that they have to go to a self-help group or else they wouldn't see them.
If you want to try 90 in 90 then it's your business. I think the run of the mill addiction therapist is used to dealing with patients that are court ordered to see them or something. There is no way a therapist could get away with treating 'regular' patients (i.e. non-alcoholic / addicts) that way and stay in business. Imagine a therapist telling a schizophrenic that they have to go to a self-help group or else they wouldn't see them.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,036
I think we need more information. How long have you been working with her? Have you found her help useful in the past? It sounds like she told you something that you don't want to hear, but if you can put your emotions aside, you should think about the source. I don't see any monetary incentive for her to give you that advice, so it comes down to two questions:
1) Do you think she has your best interest at heart, given your prior experience with her?
2) If yes to the above, are you willing to set aside your prior conceptions and trust her on this, or do you prefer to part ways with her because you don't like this turn of the wheel?
1) Do you think she has your best interest at heart, given your prior experience with her?
2) If yes to the above, are you willing to set aside your prior conceptions and trust her on this, or do you prefer to part ways with her because you don't like this turn of the wheel?
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Originally Posted by OpioPhobe 
I don't get it...what are you paying her for again? I would tell her to go pound sand.
If you want to try 90 in 90 then it's your business. I think the run of the mill addiction therapist is used to dealing with patients that are court ordered to see them or something. There is no way a therapist could get away with treating 'regular' patients (i.e. non-alcoholic / addicts) that way and stay in business. Imagine a therapist telling a schizophrenic that they have to go to a self-help group or else they wouldn't see them.
If you want to try 90 in 90 then it's your business. I think the run of the mill addiction therapist is used to dealing with patients that are court ordered to see them or something. There is no way a therapist could get away with treating 'regular' patients (i.e. non-alcoholic / addicts) that way and stay in business. Imagine a therapist telling a schizophrenic that they have to go to a self-help group or else they wouldn't see them.
I feel like I'm I hopeless case.
Jesus, maybe I am a hopeless case ?
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by alphaomega
Forgive me as I unload a bit here. And thanks in advance for listening.
I emailed my therapist and asked her if she had any availablity to see me as I am going through some life transitions and need some guidance. I haven't seen her in a few months.
She returned my call and very adamantly demanded that I either go to rehab or 90 in 90, or both, and will not be able to work with me unless I work a 12 step program.
Anything else would be enabling me.
She assumed that I'm drinking (I'm sober 2 months) was VERY rude and abrupt and said that I will never live up to my potential unless I quit (thanks for that one Copernicus).
I'm having a VERY strong emotional response to this and I wanted to get others perspectives before I return her call.
Is there REALLY only a one size fits all approach to sobriety ?
Thanks in advance for your insight.
I emailed my therapist and asked her if she had any availablity to see me as I am going through some life transitions and need some guidance. I haven't seen her in a few months.
She returned my call and very adamantly demanded that I either go to rehab or 90 in 90, or both, and will not be able to work with me unless I work a 12 step program.
Anything else would be enabling me.
She assumed that I'm drinking (I'm sober 2 months) was VERY rude and abrupt and said that I will never live up to my potential unless I quit (thanks for that one Copernicus).
I'm having a VERY strong emotional response to this and I wanted to get others perspectives before I return her call.
Is there REALLY only a one size fits all approach to sobriety ?
Thanks in advance for your insight.
Seems kind of rough for a VM and out of bounds perhaps. My understanding is professionals never assume who will hear that message and should simply say - please call me back.
Maybe I have that wrong.......
Generally speaking if a pro I pay tells me to do something I would highly consider what they said.
Glad you're here, keep coming back!
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Originally Posted by courage2
I think we need more information. How long have you been working with her? Have you found her help useful in the past? It sounds like she told you something that you don't want to hear, but if you can put your emotions aside, you should think about the source. I don't see any monetary incentive for her to give you that advice, so it comes down to two questions:
1) Do you think she has your best interest at heart, given your prior experience with her? . She was good with the PTSD but as soon as she found out I was an alcoholic she started pushing AA and wouldn't stop. When I explained I had tried it and really REALLY didnt jive with it, multiple times, she didn't want to listen.
2) If yes to the above, are you willing to set aside your prior conceptions and trust her on this, or do you prefer to part ways with her because you don't like this turn of the wheel?
1) Do you think she has your best interest at heart, given your prior experience with her? . She was good with the PTSD but as soon as she found out I was an alcoholic she started pushing AA and wouldn't stop. When I explained I had tried it and really REALLY didnt jive with it, multiple times, she didn't want to listen.
2) If yes to the above, are you willing to set aside your prior conceptions and trust her on this, or do you prefer to part ways with her because you don't like this turn of the wheel?
Sorry - I didn't do that right - there's an answer in the answer box. I can't figure out these dang gone quote things. :/
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
just don't drink over it AO! i'm very sorry she was rude to you but she reacted under a false assumption?
you have quit. i think i would take the time to calm down before responding... if you have valued her care up til now. do you have a plan/program that you work on for maintaining your sobriety? for learning to live a sober life? for recovery?
i'm not a hard core AA but in early recovery 12 step work, through CR and AA, really helped me to start understanding what living sober was all about. from there i have just kept collecting tools - the actions and practices which i choose to support me living a good life, sober.
let us know what your thinking, and feeling, in response to her message. sending good thoughts your way.
Originally Posted by alphaomega
She assumed that I'm drinking (I'm sober 2 months) was VERY rude and abrupt and said that I will never live up to my potential unless I quit...
i'm not a hard core AA but in early recovery 12 step work, through CR and AA, really helped me to start understanding what living sober was all about. from there i have just kept collecting tools - the actions and practices which i choose to support me living a good life, sober.
let us know what your thinking, and feeling, in response to her message. sending good thoughts your way.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
She probably wants to push you a little to do something different to protect your sobriety, given that you had a few relapses in the past not using structured programs. (Is she aware of this?) You wrote about your husband's struggles also here on SR, and how that stresses you out. Maybe it would be good for the two of you to participate in something like these together, or separately but in similar programs? I'm bringing this up because you did say you have been struggling a bit lately. So probably doing something more would not hurt?
I don't know, Alpha... all I can say based on what I have seen here on SR from people who cycle between stints of sobriety and relapses but resist doing different things for their recovery is that after a few trials, doing the same thing will only lead to the same result, if not worse. I decided a good while ago, for example, that if I ever relapsed, I would run to AA like no tomorrow and would take it seriously. Or even rehab, and maybe both.
One of my addictions psychiatrist colleagues who is also trained in physchotherapy tends to get quite firm with his patients about doing AA in a particular way. Apparently many of his patients are willing to go to meetings, but never really participate and get involved, just sit in the back during the meeting and then rush away immediately without talking to anyone. My colleague says it's no more than watching it on a movie that way.
I agree there isn't a "a one size fits all approach" to sobriety, but I also think if one approach is not effective enough, it's time to try something else. Also, while I'm definitely a "fan" of therapy, I don't truly believe it's often enough for a serious alcoholic/addict to beat the affliction. Also, I do agree with the notion that probably many of the professionals are not very familiar/experienced with a great variety of approaches to addiction recovery -- they learn a standard set of tools in their training and then it's up to them how much they educate themselves and develop it further. I think it's similar for many doctors treating all kinds of chronic illnesses. The patients are often much more well-informed and up-to-date because it's their life to deal with it.
If I learned one important lesson during the past 13 months of sobriety, it is that consistency for me is paramount. If I start lagging with my recovery regime, I start to feel the negative effects usually quite quickly. In this sense, a scheduled and structured program might be helpful to establish discipline if you have problems with maintenance.
Just my thoughts.
I don't know, Alpha... all I can say based on what I have seen here on SR from people who cycle between stints of sobriety and relapses but resist doing different things for their recovery is that after a few trials, doing the same thing will only lead to the same result, if not worse. I decided a good while ago, for example, that if I ever relapsed, I would run to AA like no tomorrow and would take it seriously. Or even rehab, and maybe both.
One of my addictions psychiatrist colleagues who is also trained in physchotherapy tends to get quite firm with his patients about doing AA in a particular way. Apparently many of his patients are willing to go to meetings, but never really participate and get involved, just sit in the back during the meeting and then rush away immediately without talking to anyone. My colleague says it's no more than watching it on a movie that way.
I agree there isn't a "a one size fits all approach" to sobriety, but I also think if one approach is not effective enough, it's time to try something else. Also, while I'm definitely a "fan" of therapy, I don't truly believe it's often enough for a serious alcoholic/addict to beat the affliction. Also, I do agree with the notion that probably many of the professionals are not very familiar/experienced with a great variety of approaches to addiction recovery -- they learn a standard set of tools in their training and then it's up to them how much they educate themselves and develop it further. I think it's similar for many doctors treating all kinds of chronic illnesses. The patients are often much more well-informed and up-to-date because it's their life to deal with it.
If I learned one important lesson during the past 13 months of sobriety, it is that consistency for me is paramount. If I start lagging with my recovery regime, I start to feel the negative effects usually quite quickly. In this sense, a scheduled and structured program might be helpful to establish discipline if you have problems with maintenance.
Just my thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: London
Posts: 172
You have 2 months sobriety why do you need to go to aa? It's very naive of a professional to not know there are many other ways that people get and stay sober, in fact people have been getting sober for millennia without aa.
I would personally look for another therapist who has a broader understanding of recovery.
Peace
I would personally look for another therapist who has a broader understanding of recovery.
Peace
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
You should try to learn how to express yourself in a healthy way. Use her as practice and tell her you don't appreciate the way she communicated.
Put it on paper if you have too, so you don't forget what to say.
Learning this is key in my recovery. Lately, I don't take bs from anyone. I say it in a firm and polite way.
Put it on paper if you have too, so you don't forget what to say.
Learning this is key in my recovery. Lately, I don't take bs from anyone. I say it in a firm and polite way.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Perhaps you could call her back and let her know that you are indeed sober and have been for a while. If she is under the assumption that you are still drinking her prognsis will of course be different. I would at least give her the benefit of doubt and get the facts on the table first.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
There's a guy in meetings I attend who regularly states that the most helpful thing a therapist ever said to him was "Don't waste my time".
Your (former?) therapist likely (and falsely) assumes that you are still drinking. Leave a message that you haven't had a drink in 2 months (whether or not you decide to resume treatment with her). If she has not assumed you are drinking I would take her suggestion to heart.
Your (former?) therapist likely (and falsely) assumes that you are still drinking. Leave a message that you haven't had a drink in 2 months (whether or not you decide to resume treatment with her). If she has not assumed you are drinking I would take her suggestion to heart.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Costa Mesa, CA
Posts: 214
It certainly couldn't hurt to find someone to work the steps with. You might even find it freeing...if nothing else has helped you to achieve long term sobriety so far, what have you got to lose?? Sobriety/Recovery is all about getting to know yourself and the steps can be a great way (for some) to do this.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
sounds to me like there miscommunication or assumptions somewhere in all of this AO.
I would call her back and discuss this - at least then you'll both be on the same page.
You are definitely not hopeless and there are definitely more ways than one to stay sober.
You have enough on your plate right now. If you decide this therapist is doing anything but helping you, I'd question continuing the relationship.
D
I would call her back and discuss this - at least then you'll both be on the same page.
You are definitely not hopeless and there are definitely more ways than one to stay sober.
You have enough on your plate right now. If you decide this therapist is doing anything but helping you, I'd question continuing the relationship.
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
Your therapist I'm sure knows you better than any of us here do.
I'm gonna just take a stab at some educated guesses here. First being that your therapist is frustrated. If someone is unwilling to take steps in order to make a change, there really isn't much another person can do to help them. It seems the 12 steps is what she believes to be the best path to recovery. If you're unwilling to do that, then the choices seem clear to me. Either find another therapist, or tell your therapist what you ARE willing to do in order to ensure continued sobriety. I've a feeling what she might be actually asking for is some commitment to change, to doing things differently. Action, as opposed to words. I've had many friends complain continually about things, thinking that letting it out would heal them, but they refused to take any actual action, or do anything differently. It gets to the point where ya kinda know you can't help anymore.
If you refuse to do what she asks, then I feel she's doing you a big favor. She's saving you money, and pushing you towards someone else who might be able to help you in a way that she's not capable of.
I'm an AA and 12 steps guy. It saved my life, and gave me a very full and complete life worth living. My suggestion would be to bite the bullet and take her suggestion. I don't think it can hurt, and by the time June rolls around, you'll know if it was the right or wrong thing for you. Would also push you to think outside the box. I think one of the things that keeps people sick the longest is an unwillingness to do things differently. Things they're uncomfortable doing. I also think that unless we're willing to do those uncomfortable things, we're never going to change.
I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.
I'm gonna just take a stab at some educated guesses here. First being that your therapist is frustrated. If someone is unwilling to take steps in order to make a change, there really isn't much another person can do to help them. It seems the 12 steps is what she believes to be the best path to recovery. If you're unwilling to do that, then the choices seem clear to me. Either find another therapist, or tell your therapist what you ARE willing to do in order to ensure continued sobriety. I've a feeling what she might be actually asking for is some commitment to change, to doing things differently. Action, as opposed to words. I've had many friends complain continually about things, thinking that letting it out would heal them, but they refused to take any actual action, or do anything differently. It gets to the point where ya kinda know you can't help anymore.
If you refuse to do what she asks, then I feel she's doing you a big favor. She's saving you money, and pushing you towards someone else who might be able to help you in a way that she's not capable of.
I'm an AA and 12 steps guy. It saved my life, and gave me a very full and complete life worth living. My suggestion would be to bite the bullet and take her suggestion. I don't think it can hurt, and by the time June rolls around, you'll know if it was the right or wrong thing for you. Would also push you to think outside the box. I think one of the things that keeps people sick the longest is an unwillingness to do things differently. Things they're uncomfortable doing. I also think that unless we're willing to do those uncomfortable things, we're never going to change.
I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.
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