ArtFriend

Been feeling rather blue and blah as of late. Trying to deal with the daily cut and thrust of life. Anyway, last night I talked to a woman who was a friend of my deceased sister. It was a fun "catch-up" conversation until it wasn't. This woman told me some things about my sister that I probably could have gone my whole life not knowing. Primarily about their drug escapades in Detroit. They were both heavily into crack. I knew that my sister did drugs on a "general" level... she was a hippy chick who liked hallucinogenics and weed. But, evidently she was also dangerously addicted to crack and doing illegal things to feed the habit. She was frequenting crack houses... you can imagine the scenario.

Getting off the phone, I fell apart. I went to the store and got some vodka and had enough alcohol to blot out the thoughts.

So back to square one. I know drinking did nothing for me but put a temporary band aid on a cancerous memory. Thanks for your support.

Gilmer

I'm sorry, Artfriend.

matilda123

((Art friend))) sending you hugs and support.

doggonecarl

Key word, "imagine". You let your imagination take you to a place where drinking was the solution. As you move forward, honor your recovery like you want to honor the memory of your sister.

Plure

Sorry that you got such distressing news about your sister. Life is rough sometimes...stay strong and lean on your friends here at SR.

Hang in there!

Nonsensical

Where's the rest of the vodka?

Sorry you're struggling, but not back to square one if you don't want it. You've learned some things and you're back and eager to learn some more. That ain't square one.

You got this.

thomas11

Sorry to hear that Artfriend. Can't say I blame you, back on the horse today and get life going again. Best wishes to you.

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear about the situation, hope you were able to dump the rest of the vodka out.

Your thread title hit the nail on the head I think...your next step should probably be to figure out a way to deal with "it". Your addiction definitely still has a hold...think of how illogical the thought pattern was when it talked to you last night. You found out that your sister had been abusing and felt bad about it, so you tried to solve it by abusing some drugs yourself. That's the AV at it's finest...talking you into something that you logically would never do, but doing it anyway.

Jupiters

*hugs AF*
we're here.

SoberLeigh

I am so sorry, ArtFriend. Sometimes we are better 'not knowing'.

Try to keep saying to yourself "I never wanted THAT for you; you would never want THIS for me"; try practicing it over and over again so that it is easy to recall when you are triggered.

ArtFriend

I threw out the remaining vodka last night (while I was drunk!)

You are right Leigh... sometimes it is better to not know. The woman I was talking to did not seem to have filters... she was almost "confessing" her sins to me and in the process brought my sister into the conversation. Unfortunately, I am one of those people that other people like to confide in. Total strangers have told me their deep dark secrets! I think it's because I listen attentively and ask questions. It backfired in this case. No, I certainly did not want that for my sister. And if she knew I have become an alcoholic (which happened after she died) she would have been mortified. I was the "good girl" in the family who never did drugs or broke the law.

Nonsensical - thank you for your comment on not being at square one again. That makes a lot of sense even if you are Nonsensical . Learning as I go.

Scott - I thought the same thing as I was driving to the liquor store. I was definitely conflicted.

Thank you all again!

Sherlock5

Glad to hear you poured out the rest of that poison.

Tonks

*hug* Welcome back.

Nowsthetime

Hi darling:

As it was said before, it was a leaning experience. You let your AV win and that happens sometimes to all of us so we understand. I am sorry that you learned that about your sis, but the past is the past and there's noting we can do to change it...

I send you a big hug!

Jupiters

glad you poured the rest out AF!!
I'm sorry you had to find out stuff about your sister that really should have stayed in the past. Ignorance is bliss in some cases.
I have one of those faces too, where people pour their heart and souls out to me. It's a double edged sword at times. While I'm happy people feel comfortable enough with me to share, there are some things I just don't WANT to know...and you cannot UNhear something.

JD4010

I'd love to know how much booze I've dumped over the last year. On second thought, no I don't.

I've wasted a ton of money on booze, and I'm as broke as I've been in decades. The divorce settlement saw to that. The last thing I need to do is waste what little money I do have on poison.

alphaomega

Sending you the biggest hug imaginable.

Boater62

That women not only had no filters, but no manners or sense of decency. Sorry you had to hear that, but congrads on dumping the vodka.

Aellyce

I'm sorry about all this, Art. Yes getting to know disturbing old things that we were not aware of about people close to us can be quite traumatic at times. One important challenge in sobriety is to learn to cope with stresses like that (and other kinds) without turning to alcohol and drugs. You seem to have a pattern of being quite stressed out by other people's issues... I think it would be important to develop a way to deal with these things without alcohol, and be prepared to use the strategy when needed. Have you thought about exploring this for yourself?

tokidoki

Gotta say, what that woman did was wrong! I too have, with good reason, a problem with people who bring unnecessary pain into someone's life. Please just let your reaction be a one-time thing. You are way too good to let such toxic people affect you in a negative way. Soldier on, my dear. I'm rooting for you.