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Really afraid I'm going to drink

Old 02-25-2015, 12:18 PM
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Really afraid I'm going to drink

I apologize for starting so many new threads. I've been having a tough go of it lately :/

Something is weighing very heavily on my mind. Several things, in fact. Next week is going to be a very bad week. I apologize for putting it in those terms, and I don't mean to be melodramatic. I know most anxiety is anticipatory anxiety, but I think this is that rare case where I do need to plan ahead.

Several factors will be in play that are threatening to my sobriety.

-I will be out of town for 5 days straight.

-I will be surrounded by family, most of whom are drinkers. There will be a lot of drinking.

-I am going out of town for a very stressful reason. Without revealing too many details, essentially I will be traveling to attend a criminal trial. This is going to be extremely difficult. A loved one died under horrific circumstances and the trial will include autopsy photos, testimony, and various other horrible things that I would rather not fear.


I have been avoiding talking about this on these threads because I just don't even know what to say. I am contemplating not going. I realize that is a coward's way out, but I don't know that my sobriety is strong enough to handle this. Perhaps what I will try to do is find a compromise, to perhaps attend the second portion of the trial so I can be there for support when the verdict is read. I don't want to hurt anyone, but looking down the barrel at this I just don't know how I can handle the stress of something this intense.

However, as I have said in other threads, I can't keep avoiding life.
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Old 02-25-2015, 12:20 PM
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>>A loved one died under horrific circumstances and the trial will include autopsy photos, testimony, and various other horrible things that I would rather not fear.<<

Was going to hit "edit" to change that last line to "hear," which is what it should of said. But it feels a little bit like a Freudian Slip, so I'm going to leave the typo as is.

Any advice appreciated, particularly from those who have dealt with stressful trips or stressful family situations during new sobriety.
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Old 02-25-2015, 12:21 PM
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Sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time, sound very rough

You're anxiety about drinking is your AV trying to set you up to fail.

Drinking isn't a possibility, so you have no reason to be nervous!

Deal with all of these issues one at a time, at the moment there's a tonne in your mind and it looks insurmountable. Just get one task done at a time, soon it will be over, sober.

Hope this helps
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Old 02-25-2015, 12:39 PM
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When i was drunk i missed a lot of things .

now i'm sober i don't feel guilty when i deliberately miss out on things that might take me anywhere near drinking again .

I'd not tell you to go or stay, that's your call .

What i would say is that my sobriety is the most jealously guarded thing i have as it means my very life to me . I never try to risk it or tough it out , i stick to my plans and if i feel at risk i just get out of there and go back to my sober routine at home .

I feel well within my rights to "pull a sickie" drop or avoid things , most people don't have a deadly drinking habit to deal with , if they have an issue with what i do then it's generally their problem and lack of understanding not mine .

If this place is large enough to have a court house it's probably large enough to have AA meetings , you are not alone , you can plan safety exits all along the way if you take this journey .

From here see no good reasons to drink, only bad ones .

When big stuff is going down i try to take it day by day , try not to project to far into the future , try not to over think past traumas .

What have i done for my sobriety today is what i ask myself when i'm over thinking stuff .

Bestwishes, m
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Old 02-25-2015, 12:56 PM
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NightNDay - It does sound very stressful and I'm sure you have anxiety. But drinking really isn't an option for you. If you feel like me your sobriety is life and death for you. It's not like you'd say "I'm really nervous so I'm going to bring a loaded pistol to the event and if it gets to be too much I'll just pull the trigger." I mean that would be crazy. Think of it that way if you can.

Or if I were really scared then I'd go with mecanix and I'd skip somehow. You're early in recovery and whatever you can do to maintain your health (sobreity) is the right thing.

Good luck -
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Old 02-25-2015, 01:35 PM
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Take the trip off the table and examine it carefully. Once you have looked at it from all angles, then make a decision.

Ask yourself if you absolutely have to go. Do you need to go? Some people say that they have to go somewhere or to some event when they don't have to go. They only think that is the case. You don't have to go anywhere you don't want to go unless you are under subpoena to appear and testify at this trial. It doesn't sound as if you are.

Can you go and limit your involvement? Support the family members who attend the trial but don't sit in on the trial? Attend AA meetings during the day as Mecanix suggested. Post on here.

Sit in the trial but leave the courtroom during the medical examiner's testimony. You can wait in the hallway or in the cafeteria if there is one.

The possibilities are limitless and you don't have to go. Honestly. You don't. Once you give yourself permission to say "I don't have to go" even if you later choose to go, you will have less anxiety.
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Old 02-25-2015, 01:42 PM
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As your signature says... 'one day at a time'. Just get through today without being concerned for the future. Living in the present, you could say.
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Old 02-25-2015, 01:47 PM
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You got some good feedback here. Stay connected with SR and also look up now some relaxation techniques/tapes on you tube that you can play on your cell/tablet when you are away.

Even if you are not into AA(not sure if you are or not), I would suggest that you call the local inter group and find out about the local AA meetings. When you get there, hit a meeting immediately and introduce yourself as visiting under difficult circumstances (no need to be specific in the meeting >which are confidential anyway<) and mention that you could really use a couple of phone numbers from the other ladies.

Like that between SR on the net and those numbers in real time you will have a lifeline ready if you start really obsessing about drinking. If you are not in AA, don't worry about it someone will still come through. I have yet to see an alcoholic in recovery turn his/her back on another former drunk in need.

If you have not already done so, I d also recommend you read a bit about AVRT so you are able to identify your AV as soon as it raises its ugly head and address it accordingly.
It comes in really handy in a crunch when they are no other people in recovery nearby and you are craving.

Anyway, you ll be taking us with you on your phone. Why not start also a thread where you check in during your trip and where we can drop by to support you?

You can do it!
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Old 02-25-2015, 01:53 PM
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Another thing that Anna (I think??) always recommend to people who might end up amongst drinkers is not to hesitate to take a break and go for a walk if it gets too much.
Speaking of which, are you staying with them or could you afford renting a motel room?
If you are a witness, often times the courts will give you a stipend for transportation and board. Might be worth checking into it.
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Old 02-25-2015, 01:55 PM
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There are three traumatic times in my life, each I medicated with alcohol - each was a longer lasting horror over the prior. In my younger days, my folks were going through a pretty violent divorce proceeding. We aren't native to the States, and the laws that governed my parents was not US law. At one point, my father had sent soldiers with rifles to pick up my kid brother, while revoking my mother's right to travel (Not on US soil obviously) - I drank right through that stress. 9/11 was a horror beyond horrors, and what I saw, felt, fled from was inexplicable - I drank for years through that stress. My father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and I whimsically brought him $500 bottles of champagne proclaiming " the fat lady has sung" - drank through that stress for four years. Here is what I learned:
Alcohol didn't numb the pain, it exacerbated it. When in a drunken stooper, not only could I not shake the pain, I wallowed in it. It allowed me to create a mental moat around myself, and just harbor all the anger with no escape.
Alcohol affected my ability to support those in need - my family. I was useless to my mom's freedom, I was useless to my dad's care, and I was certainly no rock for either of my brothers.
Alcohol wedged itself between my wife and I. After 9/11, I was caught in mourning and terror. My wife was overwhelmed by all the negativity and pessimism. Instead of trying to follow her inherently positive personality, I polarized myself from her. I convinced my self she was insensitive and didn't understand. I convinced myself that my other cohorts at work were the only people who understood me. Of course they did, they were drinking like fish too, and they were breaking my marriage.
God interceded on my behalf each of these times, but I was but a passive participant. Now I have put down the bottle and actively look for his intercession. I'm not here to convert you, or tell you God is the only way. Rather, that if you think alcohol will help, it won't. In fact during real sorrowful/stressful times, I think it creates an exit proof room where all your fear and stress heightens. I'm also telling you, leverage your support. Your family is there for you, like you are for them (whether they drink or not - my wife drinks). Finally, whether God, SR, your neighbor, whatever, don't be afraid to ask for help. Who you ask, will listen and respond.
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Old 02-25-2015, 03:25 PM
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But, you don't drink, do you?
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Old 02-25-2015, 03:33 PM
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Some great advice here N&D

something someone here said to me once really stuck


'wherever I go, there I am'.

Our recovery needs to be like that too.

No matter what the situation or the company we should remain resolute steadfast and determined

if you're not sure you can do that...then maybe it's a little too soon for this trip?

D
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Old 02-25-2015, 05:50 PM
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When I was at a delicate stage about a year ago, my father told me that nothing, and he meant nothing was more important than me getting sober. Because without that, there truly would be nothing. Obviously you make your own decisions, but that's my 2 cents. Best wishes to you.
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Old 02-25-2015, 05:57 PM
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There is nothing cowardly about not going.
There is nothing in your life...or mine that is more important than protecting our sobriety. For us it is the tie that binds all things from falling into ruin.
If you are not ready for those challenges, avoid it.
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Old 02-25-2015, 06:05 PM
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I just re reading your post it sounds like you don't have to appear in front of the judge.
If you are not summoned, I would suggest that you stay home.
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Old 02-25-2015, 06:16 PM
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I agree that if you are not needed at the trial, then staying away for all or part of it is a good idea. And, no you can't hide forever, but what you are talking about with he trial is hardly an ordinary circumstance. Be kind to yourself and above all, listen to the quiet voice that is guiding you in the right direction and do what's right for you.
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Old 02-25-2015, 06:31 PM
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Originally Posted by NightNDay View Post
However, as I have said in other threads, I can't keep avoiding life.
Hi NightNDay,

Is it a good idea to participate next week? Is it necessary? There is nothing wrong with understanding that where you are at this particular moment in your life means that the events of next week are beyond the limits of what is OK for your mental, physical and emotional health.

Knowing your limits is not the same as avoiding life.

In December I spent a stress filled 5 days with family. In preparation I made a game plan and strategy for sobriety success and felt really great going into it. By the third day of the trip I had exhausted all of my coping strategies. I decided that there will no longer be prolonged situations which require my presence or exhaustive 'game plans' at the expense of my well-being. It is up to me to know and respect my limits to the best of my ability. No one can do this for me.

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Old 02-25-2015, 06:40 PM
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I just wanted to suggest that if you DO decide to go to the trial, make a call to the victim/witness unit in the Prosecutor's Office. I'm assuming your loved one was the victim of some kind of homicide. The victim/witness unit is there to provide support for family members of crime victims. Most offices have resources they can help with, including counseling, someone to talk to after the day's testimony is over, etc.

Protect your own sobriety, first and foremost. But know that whether you go to the trial or not there are resources to help you deal with this.
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Old 02-25-2015, 06:59 PM
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My thought... You've been sober a very short time and during this initial transitional phase from user to non-user(whatever the substance is, my DOC is heroin), you need to baby yourself a little bit, shelter yourself from triggers and unnecessary stress. Not forever, just until you're strong enough to be able to wake up in the morning and the first thing you think of isn't using. I think throwing yourself into a stressful situation too soon might jeopardize your sobriety. Now, maybe you're stronger than me but it took me months before I could so much as even THINK about heroin let alone say hang out w one of my dope fiend friends (I'm still not there). Congrats on deciding to get your life together.
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Old 02-26-2015, 11:52 AM
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Thanks everybody. There's so much incredible support and advice on this thread. I've been copying and pasting things as I read, because some parts of it will be very crucial for me to remember and keep close to heart.

I am in AA, and have looked up the local office for the city where the trial will be held. One thing I'm considering is amending my trip to only be present for 1-2 days, instead of the entire duration.

My main reason for going (I have no legal obligation and am not required to be there) is to support other family members who will be testifying. No one in my family is handling this very well...some better than others. I don't want to abandon anybody, but I also know that I am no good to anyone if I don't keep my sobriety in tact.
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