Long time lurker, first time poster
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by caadten 
Thank you all for the kind words and encouragement. It really helps to know that I'm not alone in my experience and struggle with addiction, and that many of you can relate. Today has been a good day. I don't feel great, and I think it's a mix of the alcohol taking its toll on my digestive system and gaining so much weight over the last year.
GetSmart - It is a bike reference! I have a 2012 Cannondale CAAD10 road bike with a 105 groupo and my prized Mavic Ksyrium wheels on it. In 2013, I had over 100 days of sobriety, got back into cycling, lost 45 lbs, and was averaging about 150 miles a week on the bike. I even had a cat 5 racing license and raced in a criterium race, which is probably the most physically demanding and frightening thing I've done. My join date was back in the fall of 2013, which was a month or two after I had slipped back into drinking regularly. At that point, my drinking was back to the "norm."
The reason I've decided to jump into this forum is because I've realized that in the past, my motivation to quit drinking has been for fitness, bragging rights, and to prove that I'm really not an addict, but I need something more than that. I wanted to prove that I didn't have a problem. Now, I've realized that I do have a real problem, and I hope that I've caught it early enough to address it. Now, I want my motivation to be the conquering of this addiction's hold on my mind and body. It's been ruling over me as my God for too long.
As much as this is a wake up call for me, I'm still fighting cravings even as I type this. This is quite the beast; I KNOW that the desire to be drunk is foolish, unhealthy, and damaging for me in every way. But I still want it. I've talked to some close friends about it, and they don't get it. I'm here to listen and learn from those of you who are fighting the same things. I guess I'm determined to not "want" it anymore and to fight that basic temptation and kick it in the face. The scary thing for me is the possibility that I will never NOT "want" alcohol. How do I deal with that?
Thanks very much for listening.
GetSmart - It is a bike reference! I have a 2012 Cannondale CAAD10 road bike with a 105 groupo and my prized Mavic Ksyrium wheels on it. In 2013, I had over 100 days of sobriety, got back into cycling, lost 45 lbs, and was averaging about 150 miles a week on the bike. I even had a cat 5 racing license and raced in a criterium race, which is probably the most physically demanding and frightening thing I've done. My join date was back in the fall of 2013, which was a month or two after I had slipped back into drinking regularly. At that point, my drinking was back to the "norm."
The reason I've decided to jump into this forum is because I've realized that in the past, my motivation to quit drinking has been for fitness, bragging rights, and to prove that I'm really not an addict, but I need something more than that. I wanted to prove that I didn't have a problem. Now, I've realized that I do have a real problem, and I hope that I've caught it early enough to address it. Now, I want my motivation to be the conquering of this addiction's hold on my mind and body. It's been ruling over me as my God for too long.
As much as this is a wake up call for me, I'm still fighting cravings even as I type this. This is quite the beast; I KNOW that the desire to be drunk is foolish, unhealthy, and damaging for me in every way. But I still want it. I've talked to some close friends about it, and they don't get it. I'm here to listen and learn from those of you who are fighting the same things. I guess I'm determined to not "want" it anymore and to fight that basic temptation and kick it in the face. The scary thing for me is the possibility that I will never NOT "want" alcohol. How do I deal with that?
Thanks very much for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 56
caadten, Congrats on your decision. I too could dust a fifth and keep it rolling. I know its hard now. I am about 34 days sober and it feels great to be on this side of the booze. The best feeling that I have not known for about 20 years is the general lack of anxiety from being hungover and regretting what I did to my body or my family or whatever. Go to the 'stories of recovery' forum and read the stories. Keep you daughter in your mind and know that you are doing this for her as well as yourself. I have two little girls and they have been my biggest motivation. Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: SC
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by GetSmart
But after a good 10 days, that amnesia kicks in.
This past Friday was really weird/great, because it is the first Friday night that I've gone to bed sober in months. Maybe close to a year! I was anxious about it, but I felt great - I had presence of mind and was able to help my wife out with our 8 month old daughter who is teething, and was able to get up early on Saturday and get some chores done. That is unthinkable when I am drinking.
Yesterday morning at around 6am, I had to take my wife to the ER with a really nasty bout of food poisoning, which could have been a nightmare if I had been drinking the night before. And on top of that, right now, I've been hit with a nasty upper respiratory infection complete with fever and body aches. As strange as it may sound, I'm thankful to be sick with something that is not caused by drinking, because it helps take my mind off of the cravings. It's a perfect storm of physical maladies that has helped me with sobriety. While not ideal, I'll take whatever help I can get!
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,202
Hi Caadten,
Having a wife and eight month old daughter are definitely worth being sober for
I suppose I too am a "functioning" alcoholic in as much as I hold down my job but functioning is what domestic appliances do.
I'd much rather live than function
Well done on deciding to quit (and you GetSmart)
It is tough to start with
Having a wife and eight month old daughter are definitely worth being sober for
I suppose I too am a "functioning" alcoholic in as much as I hold down my job but functioning is what domestic appliances do.
I'd much rather live than function
Well done on deciding to quit (and you GetSmart)
It is tough to start with
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: SC
Posts: 19
Just a quick update. Last Wednesday, a couple of hours after my last post, the "amnesia" set in and I drank. During the process, I phoned a friend of mine who has been in AA for a couple of years, and he suggested I try a meeting here in town. Talking to him gave a lot of help and encouragement, and I haven't had a drop since that night.
I was very nervous, but Friday night I went to my first AA meeting , picked up a white chip, and decided to give it a go. Last night, I attended my second meeting and was able to listen to a speaker who had worked through the steps. It was very helpful and I learned a lot. Tonight, I'm going to go to my third meeting. This particular group meets 6 nights a week at 8pm, so I'm able to help my wife get the baby to bed and then go. I hope to make as many meetings as possible as long as I am able.
I'm still sorting through a lot of thoughts and emotions right now. The cravings are getting easier to deal with, but this is all a somewhat surreal experience for me, especially as someone who has considered himself as "having everything under control." I'm just happy to say that day 6 has been a good day so far.
I was very nervous, but Friday night I went to my first AA meeting , picked up a white chip, and decided to give it a go. Last night, I attended my second meeting and was able to listen to a speaker who had worked through the steps. It was very helpful and I learned a lot. Tonight, I'm going to go to my third meeting. This particular group meets 6 nights a week at 8pm, so I'm able to help my wife get the baby to bed and then go. I hope to make as many meetings as possible as long as I am able.
I'm still sorting through a lot of thoughts and emotions right now. The cravings are getting easier to deal with, but this is all a somewhat surreal experience for me, especially as someone who has considered himself as "having everything under control." I'm just happy to say that day 6 has been a good day so far.
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