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My story

Old 02-24-2015, 09:42 AM
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My story

What Does my Soberity Mean




Personally I think what it doesn't mean, is a far easier question to answer! I can't just give you the good without the bad. You couldn't understand, actually you won't understand ever, not unless you became chemically dependant or someone you truly love does. It will give you more of a understanding of what this diese is capable of, the devastation, the disgusting ugly truth of what it can bring ANY person to!! This dieses has no norm, its affecting young old rich poor black white pink or purple! NO CREED, ANYONE AND EVERYONE CAN BE DESTROYED BY THIS DIEASE!! Personally I beleive that our probation officers, everyone we work with at DRC and WCS, really need to rethink there statagy, and educate themselves way deeper than classes and books, you need to see it, feel it, or you will never understand. (there are some that truly understand as much as they can, and are trying to make a differance, trying to help brake the chain)


Up until May 2013 Mother's Day to be exact my life has become one thing get and use drugs by any and all means nessacry. Rachell was long gone just a shell of her with only one function. It wasn't always that bad but the progression of the disease no matter what I was hellbound.

I did hair and not to toot my own horn I was a natural stylist, Any woman would dream of having! Not like the ones that learn the job,and have a career that everyone that sits in their chair the first thing they say is" so how would you like your hair done today" Hell nO!!! My first few months on the floor I did the cookie cutter consultation, all stylists are taught, till I seen how everyone that got out of my chair was so happy, so grateful, I had made there day, made them feel beautiful! I had the power to make women feel beautiful, that is amazing, truly amazing, now i realize that.
Then it hit me like a bus! My instructor said since day one you're born to do this, your natural, you're going to be something so special. One of those instructors never let go of me was always popping in calling messaging well up until I made it clear I didn't care about my career I cared about my pain pills and dealing . She had no choice but to let go I'm sure I crushed that woman I was her protege,that's what she always said.
I was an apprentice, Rules were up 2 salon max,3 year max bottom line. Me,I burnt threw 7 salons in eight and a half years, thats how much they believed in me!! Even when I let go they didn't, my last boss offered to pay to send me to go to rehab!

Looking back shows me that others believe in me more than I ever believed in myself. I was a naturally leader, people gravitated to me, I had control over a room when I walked into it. Sounds concieted, i know, but i didn't know that intill it was completely striped away by drugs.

It started in July, 2006, I had went through a terrible break up was completely broken, went back to my hometown got a job immediately at a salon with one of my good friends back then. She started flipping me a vicodin here and there and I started to realize that these pills made me happy it made me motivated I believe it made me a better worker. By this time I had already been doing hair for quite a few years, due to my bad posture and form, carpal tunnel has already been setting in. So this great friend of mine sent me to her doctor so I could get pain pills for myself so I didn't have to be in pain. Let's just say from that appointment within two and a half years the doctor was prescribing me instant release percocet 30. Like every other story my script starting to not last month. So I had no choice but to go buy them on the street. So these wonderful pills that made me so happy a better worker made me make more money, began to take all of my money. I didn't like that so I had to figure out what I could do to compensate, so why not sell cocaine. That way I can buy a bunch of pills!

It's sickening how I thought that was such a great idea, by then I had Naria she wasnt a baby, born in 2001, so I was a mother. That's something that eats me alive to this day, but it gets worse, far far worse.

The terrible break up I went through turned into a reconciliation. He had been doing pills since before we started dating. He lost his best friend to a drug overdose, and got clean just weeks before we had met. So once you found out I was doing pills and getting my own script, he wasn't going nowhere, and honestly I didn't want him to. I have been with him since my daughter was 6 months, tell her that was her dad seeing her real dad has been incarcerated with a five year sentence. We maintain for quite a while, of course I got him his own doctor. We got our first house in Sullivan Wisconsin, and we have gotten clear. We wanted to have a baby together, within about 5 months of living in our new house I was pregnant, and happy so I thought. Me and him work or dependence we couldn't function without each other, even without the drugs. I gave birth to her son made 12 2011. Within 2 months of being home, as soon as I stop breastfeeding the pill started coming back through the door. It's true what they say when you realize it comes back ten times harder, and it did. Within a year we were fighting so much over drugs, he would disappear for weekends at a time leaving me at home with both kids no money no phone and no car.. The police started to get called during our fights and soon enough Social Services was involved. Not more than 2 months After my son's first birthday, they came and they took him from me as well as Mariah. Luckily family was able to take them but they were separated. Mariah's father took her which was pretty amazing to me maybe he had seen her once a month for a few hours to take her to a movie, never give me a dime for child support nor did I ask. At that time my son had never spent one night away from home he had never had been baby steps he was always with his mother and its not me his father. I can't even begin to tell you the way I feel about that now.

Social services didn't allow me to see my son for almost a month! And I was supposed to be sober stay sober,Rogers detox to make everyone happy that's when everything got as bad as it could ever get. Yes I had took pills and I had snorted them, but I have never done heroin or use a needle. I always said I would never. Within 5 months of my children being taken from me I was using heroin and using interveniously. It only took about 3 months before I caught felony drug charges, which didn't catch up to me for quite some time. We were living in a hotel room, I would work 10 hours a day at a local restaurant just to support mind and his heroin habit. Rachel was gone, I would go weeks maybe longer and not even have a thought of my children crossed my mind. I hate saying that but its the truth, it's the ugly truth that addiction does to you. I had always took pride in being a mother, being involved with my daughter school and Girl Scouts and within one year after our relapse, i had lost everything! Including myself. About 4 months after I had been you in an informant get outta jail free card, the charges hit the paper, that's how I found out as well as everybody else I know and my family. I ran for about a month and then turn myself into detox at Rogers, by this time I had lost a childhood friend I had grown up with to an overdose, his mother a mother to me, I watched go through what losing a child does to you. Not only did I want mikey not to die in vain, I didn't want to put her through that again or my own mother not to mention my children. I knew something had to give. I went to detox and was picked up by the US Marshals upon release. Unfortunately the judge decided to give me a signature bond and I was back out and back at it within 2 weeks. I was supposed to report WCS but I obviously was not complying because there was no way that I could **** clean for about 2 more months I was on the run. Going out and getting drunk one night which for me is drinking so much that I blackout, obviously I was arrested that was May 11 2012. A few days later my mother came to visit me in jail, and I finally told her I am using drugs and I need help.like she didnt know. Telling my mother that I was shooting up heroin, was the hardest thing I had almost ever done. She knew how I've been using drugs she's a recovering alcoholic herself, but she never thought I would do something like that seeing her face change was heartbreaking,. I couldn't beleive it myself!!

I gotta bail reduction hearing, got my bill down to $2,000 which my father and mother paid. Was picked up that night from Waukesha County Jail and went straight to my other motherPatsi house, slept in my childhood friends bed, that OD. and the next morning left for rehab. Of course I had to see if my significant other that night, conveniently he works right down the street from Mama patsi house. I grabbed one the bikes and pedal myself up there as fast as I could. He wasn't there, even though it was his scheduled work hours. Another worker had told me he went somewhere with dan his boss. I waited for them to return, and upon him returning I could tell he was messed up out of his mind. Him and his boss had been smoking crack and doing pills, he knew I was going to rehab in the morning and asked me if I would like to do it too. At that point I said no, and left. Thats when I knew something had changed in me, I would never walk away before and if so come running right back. Which is why he didnt stop me, he thought that would happen to. It didn't, I walked away knowing we could never be together. Later on I found out that that day he had gotten his prescription of medication opiates. I cannot begin to tell you how heartbreaking it was that he didn't even try to raise $1 toward my bail, we had been together for 9 years at this point. I cannot tell you how many times I gotten him bail money with not one resource! I went to rehab and within a week and a half called him and told him that I cannot have him in my life right now, that I will have no communication with him! I need to be sober and I need to only worry about Rachel. After a 30 day inpatient program at Nova in Oshkosh, which saved my life!!! The first week was rough, I refused to beleive being a drug addict was a diease! I refused to let go of Jeramie, my addict was still fighting inside me. Then for the first time in I dont even know how long, I heard my laugh! Which is something that if you know me is unforgetable!!! I had forgotten what my laugh sounded like! It was life changing, realizing how all the girls gravitated to me, remember that leader I once was! That I can entertain a room with nonstop laughs, i had forgotten that people actually liked me!!! Before leaving Nova, they always go around the room amd have everyone say something about one of the people leaving. A room filled with 32 people all choose me, and i heard somethings I will never forget. They went around for the other person that was leaving since everyone had picked me to say how I impacted them. One girl said she looked up to me! I couldn't stand to hear it! I hated it, I am 30 with two kids and a ******* addict, do not look up to me!!! Nova saved me, Nova brought me back, Rachell was finally back!!!

I decided that I wasn't ready to go home and was up open for any option so I didn't have to. That's when I learned about Oxford House in Madison. So straight from my discharge of Nova I went right to Madison to a sober living house. I hadn't had any communication with my sons father, I will admit that wasn't an easy feat. There is a lot of times that I wanted to call, I would stay up night worrying that I was going to get a phone call to that he is dead, overdose, cuz I wasn't there to take care of him . That was exactly what the problem was I was never his girlfriend I was always his mother. It was just as much as my fault as his, he had became completely dependent on me over the nine years, he never wash his own clothes nor made himself any meal, couldn't hold a job, worked here and there, but I was always the one that had the job that was bringing the money and was making sure that the bills got paid. But still I just could not shake that love I couldn't shake the thought that we can do this, it can get better. I do not want to give up on him I promised I'd never give up , but now I knew taking care of Rachel was most important cuz until I was taking care of I was useless to my children. The sad truth is I choose him over my children for a long long time. No more!! I had went to Rogers multiple times for detox, just to please others, this was diffrent, I felt the fire, the desire, the obsolute willingness to do anyuthing not to ever live that disgusting life again. I had my relapses, once on IR Perk 30s for about a half month, a three times with drinking. I am an addict of course I had to test the waters. I am a drug addict I can have a few!! No, no I can't. moderation isn't in my blood. Today I have my son everyday, my daughter every weekend, plus all school brakes! I am working on rebuilding a relationship with my mother, who is my idol, my role model, my everything, and the strongest god damn women I know. She might **** me off sometimes, but I really dont blame her, just dont tell her! This month she will recieve her 20 year coin!! 20 YEARS!!! My Mother is amazing!!!

MY NAME IS RACHELL AND IM ADDICTED TO MORE

Last edited by RaeLynn; 02-24-2015 at 09:46 AM. Reason: STORY MULTIPLE TIMES
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Old 02-24-2015, 02:23 PM
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Welcome to the Forum Rachell!!
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Old 02-24-2015, 02:33 PM
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Thanks for sharing your story RaeLyn - welcome aboard

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Old 02-24-2015, 02:39 PM
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Great story - sounds like you are off to a great start! Welcome to SR
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Old 02-24-2015, 02:48 PM
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Welcome, RaeLyn, to SR.
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Old 02-24-2015, 02:57 PM
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Wow! That was a very remarkable story Rachel. Welcome to SR and hope to see you around the boards.
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Old 02-24-2015, 04:02 PM
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wow, RaeLyn. You have been through so much. Congratulations on your sobriety.
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Old 02-24-2015, 05:35 PM
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I.Love.This.Story. It will (no doubt has) help so many. Happy you are here, Rae!
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Old 02-24-2015, 07:07 PM
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thank you so much

Honestly I cannot believe how many actually have read this!! I was assigned to write a 750 essay on what my soberity means to me and why it's important, probationary assignment! I had over a month and waited till one week after deadline! I wrote this in a hour and a half. I left out so much! So much that others could relate to. I plan to rewrite this and do it to my fullppotential. Writing was always a strong suit, a way with written words, being able to express major emotion and make it so real is a gift ling ago forgot! Thanks to you all, you have awaken that inside me once again!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!
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Old 02-24-2015, 07:08 PM
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And thank god for spell check! Thats not a strong suit!!!
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Old 02-24-2015, 07:18 PM
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Welcome to the SR family.
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Old 02-24-2015, 07:46 PM
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Welcome, great job...I think it is a good thing to get it all out.
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Old 02-24-2015, 07:51 PM
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Welcome - I'm so happy you can see your kids now and that you laugh. I remeber hearing my laugh - my realy laugh - first time sober.
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