Relapsed again
 

It last four days this time. Started last Thursday and drank all through the weekend. This is the worst relapse I've suffered yet. Previously, I have not relapsed for more than one day.

Feeling pretty hopeless.

I've had to change my sobriety date six different times now. I'm trying to look on the bright side -- in the past five months I have drank less than 10 days. It used to be that I drank every single day, with very few exceptions.

But now that my beast has been "fed" again, now that it's gotten a taste, it is crying out for more booze.

I don't understand why I keep stringing together 30 days and then blowing it. I was almost at 90 days at once point, and I threw it all away. I'm starting to lose hope in the idea that I can be sober forever.

I want it...or maybe I don't, because I don't seem to be doing what's required to try to maintain it.

Yeah, Forever is quite a long time.... All I can manage is TODAY. And, every day I repeat being sober just for today.

Don't give up! It is possible :ws_flower

There you go. More important than trying to understand why you relapse is understanding why you are failing at sobriety. And if you aren't doing the things that support your decision to not drink, then you are bound to return to your old fallback position...drinking.

You aren't hopeless, but you are certainly unfocused on staying sober. Get that focus and commitment back.

You are correct. I don't really know where to begin. There are several things that I was doing in the beginning of my sobriety that I no longer do:

1.) Attending meetings almost daily
2.) Reading my sobriety literature daily
3.) Hanging around sober friends
4.) Staying honest

I think a good place to start is to commit to meetings again, because not attending regular meetings feels like the first bad decision I made, which helped pave the way for my relapse.

Does anyone have any tips for how to begin working toward a better sobriety? Does anyone have experience with finally getting sober for good after failing at it repeatedly? It's hard to still feel hopeful when I can't seem to get this right.

The plan that you enumerated above looks very good, NightNDay. Finding a sponsor and working the steps might be good additions to your plan.

Rooting for you.

I think these are great starting points. I've relapsed several times and I have to look at it as you put it - been sober more than not over the past 18 months. Now I have 30 days and I just say I never want to feel the way I did that last time I relapsed. I just have had enough. Maybe you are just not at that point where you feel you've had enough?

You've made some good progress. But IMO, and from my experience, if you start thinking hey Im doing better than before at least, you will fall back into before. It happened to me twice. I dont know why I didnt learn the first time. But hey, keep making progress.

NightNDay,

Over the years, I've seen probably upwards of a couple thousand people fail to stay sober long term with the plan you describe.
Now, I have seen many, many stay sober with exactly that plan. Good for them. Like myself though, you seem to need something more. At those meetings, you will hear over and over and over, 'rarely have we seen a person fail that has thoroughly followed our path.' The path referred to in those meetings (I'm assuming you're talking about AA) is the suggested program of the 12 Steps.

The main thing is to do something, no matter how little, nothing changes if nothing changes!!

I went round and round in circles for a long time, but I really needed to accept that myself and alcohol were parting ways on a permanent basis, I was now going to be a "non drinker", no more trying to control my drinking, or experimenting with 1 drink.

You can do this!! :)

I found I couldn't afford to get complacent.
I kept coming back to the thought that 'drinking will kill me'

Pretty hard to be cavalier then :)

D

So what are you going to do differently this time to get and stay sober?

For me, it took finally giving up and giving AA a chance. AA, plus this website made the difference for me.

Night&Day, I feel like reading myself when I read your post. So if it is any consolation, you are not the only one. I am five month sober (an achievement for me believe me) what do I really do different this time besides going to meetings, sponsor, step work... I am kind to myself. I am learning to care for myself. This time around, I am self-respectful and acknowledge how hard recovery is. I give myself credit for what i am doing instead of feeling ashamed like in the past.not sure if it makes sense but hopefully it helps a little