Underlying Guilt
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 136
Underlying Guilt
I'm 7 days sober today after an on/off rollercoaster of busting since December 20th. It hasn't been daily drinking, and a couple of times in that period I have had two weeks up. Before that I had four months, and prior to that about 100 days.
Right now I have no urge to drink. That is, TODAY I have no urge, and am confident that I will go to bed sober. I know that this is not something that I can say every day, but right now, I'm safe. Mind you I am feeling very lethargic, can't get into the work I'm supposed to do (it's fairly flexible, but it's incredibly hard to put in a full 8 hours). So I thought I would have a nap, then go to an AA meeting.
But you know what.... I just don't want to ! I do not drive, so there's the added burden of the whole round trip being a 3+ hour mission. While I'm content to say that AA is ABSOLUTELY the path for me, at least for the forseeable future, the whole '90 meetings in 90 days' tends to resonate so much so that I'm feeling... I don't know.. a bit guilty that I'm not going today (I didn't go yesterday either but that was because a person didn't get back to me until the last minute, and it was a bit late by then to make my own way).
A part of me thinks, no big deal - I went to four days of meetings in the last six days, and I do intend to make meetings a regular part of my recovery. I also do service twice a week (one AA and one AA-related) so I'm obliged to be there to open up (which I am grateful for - no complaints about these obligations because it forces me to attend!). However I sometimes feel that the group message, regardless of where I go, lays down these expectations, and to veer away from them is risking my sobriety. I'm not a young guy, nor am I overly impressionable, so I don't even know why I'm thinking twice about not attending a meeting tonight.
Then there's the group of people that CONSTANTLY ask me whether I have found a sponsor. I tell them time and time again that I'm on the lookout for someone I can relate to (this is true) because I have been 'burned' twice with sponsorship in the 10 months since I first began this journey. It feels beyond friendly discussion, and a bit pushy.
Did anyone else feel pressure, whether direct or implied, in their early days with AA, and stuck around anyway? I would love to hear your story.
No disrespect intended, but I don't need to hear from people who turned their back on AA because of this. I have enough 'anti' in my mind which I'm trying to overcome, without adding to my reservations.
Right now I have no urge to drink. That is, TODAY I have no urge, and am confident that I will go to bed sober. I know that this is not something that I can say every day, but right now, I'm safe. Mind you I am feeling very lethargic, can't get into the work I'm supposed to do (it's fairly flexible, but it's incredibly hard to put in a full 8 hours). So I thought I would have a nap, then go to an AA meeting.
But you know what.... I just don't want to ! I do not drive, so there's the added burden of the whole round trip being a 3+ hour mission. While I'm content to say that AA is ABSOLUTELY the path for me, at least for the forseeable future, the whole '90 meetings in 90 days' tends to resonate so much so that I'm feeling... I don't know.. a bit guilty that I'm not going today (I didn't go yesterday either but that was because a person didn't get back to me until the last minute, and it was a bit late by then to make my own way).
A part of me thinks, no big deal - I went to four days of meetings in the last six days, and I do intend to make meetings a regular part of my recovery. I also do service twice a week (one AA and one AA-related) so I'm obliged to be there to open up (which I am grateful for - no complaints about these obligations because it forces me to attend!). However I sometimes feel that the group message, regardless of where I go, lays down these expectations, and to veer away from them is risking my sobriety. I'm not a young guy, nor am I overly impressionable, so I don't even know why I'm thinking twice about not attending a meeting tonight.
Then there's the group of people that CONSTANTLY ask me whether I have found a sponsor. I tell them time and time again that I'm on the lookout for someone I can relate to (this is true) because I have been 'burned' twice with sponsorship in the 10 months since I first began this journey. It feels beyond friendly discussion, and a bit pushy.
Did anyone else feel pressure, whether direct or implied, in their early days with AA, and stuck around anyway? I would love to hear your story.
No disrespect intended, but I don't need to hear from people who turned their back on AA because of this. I have enough 'anti' in my mind which I'm trying to overcome, without adding to my reservations.
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