Losing friends
 

Hey, so I'm 54 days. I've got a question about old friends. I'm not in AA and am just figuring out how to stay sober myself. I am a standup comic so I go to bars literally every night and can hang out till 2 am with people drinking and I don't really get cravings. I think I've finally just had enough. So the advice I've heard about not being able to hang out with your old drinking friends I've kind of just dismissed. But the thing is I'm finding I am having to get rid of all my friends for different reasons.

I'm starting to find that all of my friends are kind of boring people. Now that I don't drink I've become very goal focused. I work out and eat right, I'm getting more stage time. I'm working on movies. And all my friends from when I was still drinking all have lives that are kind of stagnant. They all have complicated relationships with alcohol cause my alcoholism was so bad that only other problem drinkers could really be friends with me. My alcoholism was always the worst and all my friends were very good friends throughout my drinking, but now that I'm doing better I just can't relate to them as well and some of them have almost seemed to resent me for doing better.

I'm really not judgmental and recognize that many people can drink a reasonable amount and not have alcohol negatively affect their lives, but I also feel like I'm very sensitive to peoples troubles with alcohol and that a lot of people aren't ready to admit they have a problem when they clearly do.

I don't know if I really have a question. I guess I'm just wondering if other people can relate. I'm losing friends fast and just want to make sure it's not because I've become judgmental or condescending which some of them have accused me of.

If you are calling your friends boring, it does come off as judgmental. I would try active listening and having empathy for them - they are your friends after all.

You should also protect your sobriety. If you feel old friends are a danger, you can make sober friends who don't drink.

Boring people was the wrong choice of words. It's not that they are boring people. It's that their continued inability to live up to their incredible potential is frustrating and monotonous. They are all creative and talented people who make choices that sacrifices their creativity for drinking.

And I really don't feel like they are a threat to my sobriety. It's that they just aren't very interesting to hang out with. My best friend blacks out all the time. I don't get jealous of him. His actions as a person are just repetitive and I get tired of the same old thing all the time.

I try not to worry about my friends that still drink. I do my thing. If they come along, great! New friends have come in, some friends I've known for a long time are still here but I have found I have distanced myself from the major drinkers. If they are a threat to my sobriety I distance myself. Otherwise, I just worry about me.

Jennifer

Things & friendships definatly change in sobriety like you said you have become goal focused which isnt a bad thing if your starting to get bored because its diffrent now that your sober im not saying your friends are boring but it just isnt you anymore

if your losing friends for diffrent reasons as long as its amicle i dont see the harm things change so do ppl

have you still got friends that are keepers i have a solid smalll set of friends in my real life that il stay in touch with for life not unless things change which they sometimes do

im sure youl make new friends along the way

I wouldn't worry about your friends not living up to their potential. It sounds like you are doing well on track with things, and you should stay focused on your goals. Adding some new sober friends (or friends with common interest) may be helpful.
-

"Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it, But why not begin on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others - yes, and a lot less dangerous." – Dale Carnegie

Thanks soberwolf.

Yeah, like I said, I do stand up so my social circle is pretty big but all the people I used to be really close with I just can't relate to anymore. I think I'm just kind of in a lonely transitional period where I've got to make room for new friends so I'm sort of being forced to cut the old ones out of my life. It's sad but I don't see any other option. I think that they think I'm judging them for drinking which isn't necessarily true. I do judge them for drinking too much. I don't think it makes them bad people, I'd be the biggest hypocrite in the world if that was the case, it just seems obvious that they're lying to themselves and they get very sensitive if I imply they have a problem which I guess just isn't my place to do.

That's a good quote AnewdayNYC. I guess the only person I can change is myself. I guess im just sad I have to cut people out of my life I used to be super close to.

I've lost some friends in the process of getting sober but for me I find them a danger to be around. If you are a stand-up comic, you likely have the extroversion to make people feel good and meet new friends. I would just stay focused on your goals, and maybe join some new clubs/organizations and new friends will come.

No one wants to be told they have a drink problem Exegesis and your right its not your place to say i do understand tho

At 54 days its not wise to be hanging around with drinkers anyway & esp so if you believe they drink to excess

i think its better to leave on good terms and keep your distance in favor of focusing on them goals of yours and move forward while continuing to build up your sober muscles along the way with sober activities

Congrats on 54 days bud your doing great dont be alarmed this is proof of your progress

I was an alcoholic pothead musician so most of my friends were alcoholic pothead musicians too.

Without really consciously planning it, I stopped hanging around and they stopped asking me to hang around.

I rediscovered old friends - people who were thrilled I was sober and 'the old me again' and I made lots of new friends where our common bond was not drink or drugs.

It doesn't happen instantly but it will happen exegesis

I'm quite new to sobriety and still avoiding bars, but I'm starting to find this as well Exegesis… Thing is, it made me realize how that was really me: my life was completely stagnant too whilst drinking, I started drinking at 15 and stopped at 40: but I reckon my personal and creative development stalled somewhere in my 20s. I think we sometimes see our own story.

Anyway, these days I got so much work and catching up to do with myself that I'm consciously trying to leave others as and where they are.

As life changes so do the people we hang around with.

When I drank, I went to bars, and drank with other people who drank, now I spend time in coffee shops and doing other things, and so naturally what followed was a few changes to the people I hung out with or saw on a weekly basis!! :)