Shame and guilt
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Shame and guilt
At five months sober I am feeling proud of myself. I ended a relationship with someone actively drinking who is an alcoholic. I called my sponsor who told me to be good to myself. But I want to escape the shame and guilt I feel for wasting time on an alcoholic who never cared about me. I'm having a hard time dealing with the emotional pain of being left alone. At nine months I relapsed because I messed up and because of the sick relationship. Right now I feel hopeless like no normal, healthy person will ever be with me because I am too damaged. The universe feels clogged with horribleness. I lost my identity in the relationship and I have not taken the time to work on myself. She left an empty wine bottle in my place and I keep smelling it which is driving me crazy. The craving to drink has not been this strong for a while and I feel like a failure. Even sick alcoholics don't care about me. Trying to get off the pity pot but I thought I would post to see if anyone had any advice for dealing with relationships with alcoholics. I feel like I am too damaged and there is no point in getting better. I'm scared.
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I will never date an Alcoholic. A Recovering one maybe.
Not sure why you have a bottle of wine left at your place. Get rid of it and stop torturing yourself. Time to learn your worth, and to fall in love with yourself.
A relationship is to complement yourself, not complete you.
You are worth a normal relationship, chin up!
Not sure why you have a bottle of wine left at your place. Get rid of it and stop torturing yourself. Time to learn your worth, and to fall in love with yourself.
A relationship is to complement yourself, not complete you.
You are worth a normal relationship, chin up!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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The breakup is going to take time to process and get over. Even normal people have problems recovering from broken relationships.
Have you spent any time in the Friends & Family forums? Read the stickies in there - they will help you.
Just take care of yourself (throw out that bottle) and take your time - you don't have to be in a relationship. Relax.
Have you spent any time in the Friends & Family forums? Read the stickies in there - they will help you.
Just take care of yourself (throw out that bottle) and take your time - you don't have to be in a relationship. Relax.
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I agree with the others Ach - get rid of the empty bottle and stop beating yourself up.
You may have relapsed but you came back and have stayed sober for 5 months under some very difficult conditions. You made a good life choice for yourself to get out of this relationship.
Cut yourself some slack
D
You may have relapsed but you came back and have stayed sober for 5 months under some very difficult conditions. You made a good life choice for yourself to get out of this relationship.
Cut yourself some slack
D
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Originally Posted by Acheleus 
Even sick alcoholics don't care about me. Trying to get off the pity pot but I thought I would post to see if anyone had any advice for dealing with relationships with alcoholics.
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Thank you I feel better and it feels good to know I can be alone. Listening to some good music. I got cheated on which hurts but live and learn I guess. Never dating in the rooms ever again. I'm terribly confused about what happened but I deserve better. Trying not to be mad at myself for being manipulated. I will grin and bear it.
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Stick with it Ach, dont let those negative thoughts dominate you ! They ar eonly thoughts and emotions, such things are impermanent and will go away. Work closely with your sponsor and as Dee said, cut yourself some slack !
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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I have a lot of the same dysfunctional thoughts and behaviors my friend. Been in many relationships over the decades - I'm 59 now. I suggest you take a look at the adult child of alcoholic (ACoA) section of friends and family and see if any of that pertains to you. I found the ACoA "laundry list" and could associate strongly with more than half of the 14 traits, thanks to a dysfunctional childhood. It opened my eyes to why I see do some of the things I do. I didn't realize how much baggage I had until after I got sober.
Learning to let go of guilt and shame is an important part of recovery.
Learning to let go of guilt and shame is an important part of recovery.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Acheleus, something to think about. You achieved a lot in your education, you're still at "school" as it is called in North America. You've racked up a lot of sober time -- fourteen months if I have calculated correctly -- with a break in between. So you've continued school through the last of your drinking days, through sobriety and a (brief) relapse and through a relationship breakdown. You've made a good decision about a relationship that was bad for you.
So in fact, you aren't at the end of something, you at the beginning of finishing an excellent education sober and recovered. Then you'll step into a new professional life.
That sounds pretty fantastic to me.
So in fact, you aren't at the end of something, you at the beginning of finishing an excellent education sober and recovered. Then you'll step into a new professional life.
That sounds pretty fantastic to me.
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Thank you marcher. Yes I should have three degrees in less than two years. I am in professional school. My relapse lasted two weekends. I got back in aa and got a great sponsor who is in my field. I just don't know why my ex always pointed out my flaws and said I was never there. It hurts to just be left behind with no closure. I'm trying not to get burned out but I could not function around her being drunk and not respecting my sobriety. Everything hurts now but I am proud of myself for not contacting her. It was like I could never do anything right and I always felt bad about myself. Now I feel like I don't really deserve anyone. This whole experience has reinforced my belief that people are selfish, deceitful and cannot be trusted. I feel like all I have right now is my sobriety but I really want a chance at a sober life.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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not sure if this will help, but i hope it gives you a little hope. I felt the same way when I got back into the dating scene. I didnt want to tell the girl I was dating i was an alcoholic and after a week of us dating and me keeping my secret, we were at her place and she was having a glass of wine. I thought maybe this time will be different and I drank... which turned into a 4 day bender, in which i was locked alone at my house drinking until I passed out. I didnt lose complete control infront of her so after she didnt hear from me for 4 days she got a little concerned and called me. I was semi sober when she called and I said "Look, the reason you haven't heard from me is because im an alcoholic, and I can not under any circumstances drink." I also told her that I can't and shouldn't really be around it. I fully expected for her to hang up and me never hear from her, but what I got was the complete opposite. She told me she was very sorry for drinking infront of me, told me she would do anything I needed her to do in order to help me not drink, and the next day I went to her house for dinner every bit of alcohol I had seen in her house that night before was gone. We are still together and she is still very supportive. Hope that offers some encouragement! In the end you wouldn't want someone who wont support you. It would be not different than taking a revolver, putting a round in the chamber, spinning it and slamming it shut. Then asking your significant other if he or she would be willing to pull the trigger.
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Originally Posted by Acheleus
I just don't know why my ex always pointed out my flaws and said I was never there. It hurts to just be left behind with no closure.
Instead of using energy to drum up the past, use it to look at now and the future. You'll have a wonderful relationship with someone in the future if you just give yourself the chance.
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Thank you Marcher. For what it's worth i tried to help her and be there for her but it got to the point that I didn't matter at all. Thank you for the kind words.
And Clayton. Damn son you must be a writer. Great analogy/metaphor. What really got me to leave was I would be outside after she passed out and I would just want to drink and it was right inside. I knew I was going to drink if I stayed around waking up to peed on sheets and bitter denial. It's been one hell of an experience and I will need time to get myself back. Your story gives me hope. I sure can pick em.
And Clayton. Damn son you must be a writer. Great analogy/metaphor. What really got me to leave was I would be outside after she passed out and I would just want to drink and it was right inside. I knew I was going to drink if I stayed around waking up to peed on sheets and bitter denial. It's been one hell of an experience and I will need time to get myself back. Your story gives me hope. I sure can pick em.
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