Evening! Here is my story.
Recognising my AV
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: South West of England
Posts: 218
Hello MrQuit - welcome to the forum and I too am truly sorry to hear about your brother - losing a sibling at a young age is devastating.
I know from experience how personal tragedies can help to reinforce drinking as a coping strategy. It seems to help to a point and then years later you turn round and realise the 'solution' to your troubles has become your biggest problem.
Congratulations on finding these pages and I hope you find them as supportive and helpful as I have. Your plan to write here often is first class - it helps to put thoughts down and re-reading old posts helps to see how far you've come.
Your 'craft craving' sounds just like your addictive voice (AV) to me!
Watch out for that little b******, pretends to be your mate but nothing could be further from the truth!
Congratulations on your day one..............see you around
I know from experience how personal tragedies can help to reinforce drinking as a coping strategy. It seems to help to a point and then years later you turn round and realise the 'solution' to your troubles has become your biggest problem.
Congratulations on finding these pages and I hope you find them as supportive and helpful as I have. Your plan to write here often is first class - it helps to put thoughts down and re-reading old posts helps to see how far you've come.
Your 'craft craving' sounds just like your addictive voice (AV) to me!
Watch out for that little b******, pretends to be your mate but nothing could be further from the truth!
Congratulations on your day one..............see you around
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 54
Thanks lastchance.
Hendrix, a fellow south-west bod, hi!
I'm sorry for your loss also, and what you mentioned about the solution becoming the problem couldn't be anywhere nearer the truth. I had that epiphany pretty much the day I signed up, but with what you say about the AV the real skill is remembering the solution-problem relationship. This is where the diary comes in.
See you around fella.
Hendrix, a fellow south-west bod, hi!
I'm sorry for your loss also, and what you mentioned about the solution becoming the problem couldn't be anywhere nearer the truth. I had that epiphany pretty much the day I signed up, but with what you say about the AV the real skill is remembering the solution-problem relationship. This is where the diary comes in.
See you around fella.
Recognising my AV
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: South West of England
Posts: 218
For me, the real skill in dealing with my AV is recognising that it isn't me.
I might hear it inside my head but it's not me.
I want to be sober and wholesome.
It uses excuses like grief to make me drink.
It will also use happiness, celebration or the fact that there's a 'y' in the day as a reason to get me to drink.
It can go and do one!
....and enjoy your time back in the West Country, I'm sure the city will wait for you if you want to return
I might hear it inside my head but it's not me.
I want to be sober and wholesome.
It uses excuses like grief to make me drink.
It will also use happiness, celebration or the fact that there's a 'y' in the day as a reason to get me to drink.
It can go and do one!
....and enjoy your time back in the West Country, I'm sure the city will wait for you if you want to return
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 54
Thanks Hendrix & LB. I hope things are looking positive at your end.
Day three. Sleep has been evasive - averaging about 3 hours a night making it harder to concentrate and stay on point.
I wasn't prepared for this, but the cravings seem more powerful the more fatigued I become, but it makes perfect sense. Who wants to keep the wolf from the door when bed is calling eh? I should have seen this coming but now I know another way this thing will play out. Lesson learnt.
Usually I'd be drinking by now, quietly haunted by my own guilt, ironically denying I was in denial and drinking to forget it all while paying attention to only that.
But it's a mild day today. My windows are flung wide open and I can hear chirpy bird calls carrying across the breeze into my house.
A jog later should keep the need at bay but later will be a massive trigger when me and some pals get together for our weekly film night. Usually swathes of liquor would be hacked away at here.
I'm not going to recluse, I'm not going to close myself off from lifelong friends on the basis that I'm an alcoholic.
With a bit of willpower and a realistic goal anything's possible. Have a good day SR.
Day three. Sleep has been evasive - averaging about 3 hours a night making it harder to concentrate and stay on point.
I wasn't prepared for this, but the cravings seem more powerful the more fatigued I become, but it makes perfect sense. Who wants to keep the wolf from the door when bed is calling eh? I should have seen this coming but now I know another way this thing will play out. Lesson learnt.
Usually I'd be drinking by now, quietly haunted by my own guilt, ironically denying I was in denial and drinking to forget it all while paying attention to only that.
But it's a mild day today. My windows are flung wide open and I can hear chirpy bird calls carrying across the breeze into my house.
A jog later should keep the need at bay but later will be a massive trigger when me and some pals get together for our weekly film night. Usually swathes of liquor would be hacked away at here.
I'm not going to recluse, I'm not going to close myself off from lifelong friends on the basis that I'm an alcoholic.
With a bit of willpower and a realistic goal anything's possible. Have a good day SR.
Recognising my AV
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: South West of England
Posts: 218
Well done mate - Good luck with tonight.
I've found that pints of diet lemonade help stave off cravings in similar situations.
Something about the sweet taste helps you not want a beer - for me anyway
I've found that pints of diet lemonade help stave off cravings in similar situations.
Something about the sweet taste helps you not want a beer - for me anyway
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 54
Diet lemonade and grapefruit juice did the trick! Pals agreed not to drink to help give me a foot up - good eggs.
Day 4. Such early days still, but a close friend of twenty years, an old drinking buddy, just spent 40 minutes on the phone trying to convince me not to quit. I guess he's feeling more lonely. Silly behaviour. He got cut off.
Still, there's plenty of positives. Just joined a gym and a site called 'city socializer' to meet new folk around the area, but there is a problem. A girl in my old friendship group keeps messaging, she's hot and she's keen so it would be a great distraction.
But she drinks. A lot. So she's going to get cut off too. I can see my friendship group getting smaller and smaller, day by day (and by day 4??!!) so it's sad, but even so, there's a reason for that. I must be doing something right.
F*** 'em.
Day 4. Such early days still, but a close friend of twenty years, an old drinking buddy, just spent 40 minutes on the phone trying to convince me not to quit. I guess he's feeling more lonely. Silly behaviour. He got cut off.
Still, there's plenty of positives. Just joined a gym and a site called 'city socializer' to meet new folk around the area, but there is a problem. A girl in my old friendship group keeps messaging, she's hot and she's keen so it would be a great distraction.
But she drinks. A lot. So she's going to get cut off too. I can see my friendship group getting smaller and smaller, day by day (and by day 4??!!) so it's sad, but even so, there's a reason for that. I must be doing something right.
F*** 'em.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 54
Hands are real shaky today. Odd. It wasn't noticeable over the last four days, but I woke up today shaking like a Sh***** dog.
Cravings are smoothing out though - eating caster sugar straight out of the box with a spoon sorts that out. Hurrah!
Considering the gym. Part of me knows it's the right thing to do but the other part knows being around functional members of society will make me want to wretch. Or maybe that's just the buckets of caster sugar I've quaffed.
Sleep still isn't coming but insomnia has it's upsides - ONLY ONE MORE SLEEP UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Wahoo.
Cravings are smoothing out though - eating caster sugar straight out of the box with a spoon sorts that out. Hurrah!
Considering the gym. Part of me knows it's the right thing to do but the other part knows being around functional members of society will make me want to wretch. Or maybe that's just the buckets of caster sugar I've quaffed.
Sleep still isn't coming but insomnia has it's upsides - ONLY ONE MORE SLEEP UNTIL CHRISTMAS.
Wahoo.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 54
I had to get out the house tonight because of cabin fever. The only place to go was the pub. So on day 5 I spent my first weekend evening with people becoming blitzed on German beer and Russian spirits.
I didn't drink a drop but treated myself to grapefruit, fresh lemonade and lime juice while having an awesome evening. REALLY proud of that.
I didn't drink a drop but treated myself to grapefruit, fresh lemonade and lime juice while having an awesome evening. REALLY proud of that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 54
Day 60 for you today saoutchik! What a milestone. Congratulations.
First sober Saturday morning that I can remember. Don't know what to do with myself. At least everybody limping around the house and whimpering like wounded gazelles after last night is providing some entertainment.
Big trigger later. One of my closest friends has just found out her boyfriend of 8 years has been cheating so she moved out. She desperately needs support so I'll go over.
She'll be drinking heavily (but not an alcoholic by any means) which will be a tough test. Not only that but she lives in the same city where my brother was killed.
Need a plan.
First sober Saturday morning that I can remember. Don't know what to do with myself. At least everybody limping around the house and whimpering like wounded gazelles after last night is providing some entertainment.
Big trigger later. One of my closest friends has just found out her boyfriend of 8 years has been cheating so she moved out. She desperately needs support so I'll go over.
She'll be drinking heavily (but not an alcoholic by any means) which will be a tough test. Not only that but she lives in the same city where my brother was killed.
Need a plan.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 54
Thanks INgal.
Day 7 and I'm staring down a can of beer. Tough weekend. Terrible day. My first AA meeting finished a couple of hours ago and all of that chat about booze has seriously set me off.
I do wish they didn't talk about alcohol so much in those meetings. Sigh.
Day 7 and I'm staring down a can of beer. Tough weekend. Terrible day. My first AA meeting finished a couple of hours ago and all of that chat about booze has seriously set me off.
I do wish they didn't talk about alcohol so much in those meetings. Sigh.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 54
Tried posting a new thread but I'm getting an error - day 8 & really close to drinking.
Fighting off the triggers is absolutely exhausting. Woke up with a need to drink, went downstairs and there is booze everywhere - all of my old favourites. I can't throw it out because it's not mine.
I've eaten but that hasn't done the trick. I've drunk loads of water but still nothing doing. There's nobody around for a chat (no sponsor yet). No meetings until tomorrow. Sh*t I feel a bit trapped.
Fighting off the triggers is absolutely exhausting. Woke up with a need to drink, went downstairs and there is booze everywhere - all of my old favourites. I can't throw it out because it's not mine.
I've eaten but that hasn't done the trick. I've drunk loads of water but still nothing doing. There's nobody around for a chat (no sponsor yet). No meetings until tomorrow. Sh*t I feel a bit trapped.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 54
Checking in for accountability. Day 13. 3 very wobbly moments but they passed with blood and grit. And chocolate.
Three AA meetings attended and I can already see my social circle shifting for the better. I've met a Doctor, a Writer, an MD of an international construction firm, an ex London gang runner and everything in between. That said, I'm taking my time to carefully pick a sponsor.
My skin is becoming clear, energy levels are plateauing out, the cravings are waning, sleep is becoming unbroken, dreams are less vivid and the compulsion to eat sugar is drifting away. Many of the people around me keep saying how proud they are too, a select few don't like me doing this one bit though.
I think I like AA and here's why. Even though the spirituality thing doesn't wash with me (yet?), it gives me a relief. When you're an addict people who aren't can't relate and those who are active addicts don't want to relate. There's little middle ground and you're very alone which can be as frightening as the addiction itself.
All in all then I think I'm doing alright.
Three AA meetings attended and I can already see my social circle shifting for the better. I've met a Doctor, a Writer, an MD of an international construction firm, an ex London gang runner and everything in between. That said, I'm taking my time to carefully pick a sponsor.
My skin is becoming clear, energy levels are plateauing out, the cravings are waning, sleep is becoming unbroken, dreams are less vivid and the compulsion to eat sugar is drifting away. Many of the people around me keep saying how proud they are too, a select few don't like me doing this one bit though.
I think I like AA and here's why. Even though the spirituality thing doesn't wash with me (yet?), it gives me a relief. When you're an addict people who aren't can't relate and those who are active addicts don't want to relate. There's little middle ground and you're very alone which can be as frightening as the addiction itself.
All in all then I think I'm doing alright.
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,184
Morning MrQ,
Congratulations on day 13 - I know it is tough for you
It's great feeling physically a lot better isn't it.
Keep on being strong. Now that you feel better that insidious voice begins to say "see, nothing to worry about, you can have one..."
That was the point when I came closest to relapsing
Congratulations on day 13 - I know it is tough for you
It's great feeling physically a lot better isn't it.
Keep on being strong. Now that you feel better that insidious voice begins to say "see, nothing to worry about, you can have one..."
That was the point when I came closest to relapsing
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Sounds like you're right on track MQ
The memory issues and brain fog will get better and better too--
I found the gym and getting in shape a great incentive and distractor in early sobriety.
A fit and healthy body won't hurt your girlfriend-replacement options either
Are you eating quality unprocessed food? Got to rebuild as alcohol is quite depleting.
saotchik is too right about the tempting voice in your head showing up soon saying you can "manage a few drinks"--it isn't your friend.
The memory issues and brain fog will get better and better too--
I found the gym and getting in shape a great incentive and distractor in early sobriety.
A fit and healthy body won't hurt your girlfriend-replacement options either
Are you eating quality unprocessed food? Got to rebuild as alcohol is quite depleting.
saotchik is too right about the tempting voice in your head showing up soon saying you can "manage a few drinks"--it isn't your friend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 54
Thanks guys. Yes I'm going to stay as vigilant as possible; exercise, reaching out, social activities, clean eating is the way to go.
A thought I've had just summoned a smirk. You know how people say alcohol is a social lubricant, right? Well why is my social calendar looking twice as packed and infinitely more varied than it ever has before?
This is why I shouldn't drink. This is why.
A thought I've had just summoned a smirk. You know how people say alcohol is a social lubricant, right? Well why is my social calendar looking twice as packed and infinitely more varied than it ever has before?
This is why I shouldn't drink. This is why.
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