Sobriety and Romantic Relationships
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Denver
Posts: 244
Sobriety and Romantic Relationships
102 days sober and I'm suffering from extreme ONEitis....
One reason I got sober was because I was previously being highly irresponsible with my emotions and how my actions affected the emotions of the women I was having short-term relationships with. (There were many over-all, and mostly moving between two or more simultaneously)
p.s. I always felt good for them when they recognized my manipulations and inevitably cut contact with me.
Now I'm sober and I have been very conscious about what I do in my interactions with members of the opposite sex.
I've not been in a relationship since sobriety (nor a real relationship whilst drinking)
I find myself desperately latching on to any attention I get from any one woman with whom I get attention from.
This state of infatuation moves from one woman to the next with short attention span.
I'm having serious temptation to go find attention at the bar.
help....
Addendum; My therapist says I'm a sex addict.. though I've been abstinent from sex since my sobriety started.
One reason I got sober was because I was previously being highly irresponsible with my emotions and how my actions affected the emotions of the women I was having short-term relationships with. (There were many over-all, and mostly moving between two or more simultaneously)
p.s. I always felt good for them when they recognized my manipulations and inevitably cut contact with me.
Now I'm sober and I have been very conscious about what I do in my interactions with members of the opposite sex.
I've not been in a relationship since sobriety (nor a real relationship whilst drinking)
I find myself desperately latching on to any attention I get from any one woman with whom I get attention from.
This state of infatuation moves from one woman to the next with short attention span.
I'm having serious temptation to go find attention at the bar.
help....
Addendum; My therapist says I'm a sex addict.. though I've been abstinent from sex since my sobriety started.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 514
I'd change my therapist to someone who'll take things seriously rather than jump on the 'in-thing' band wagon. As you say you latch on to 'any attention'.
As Jsbodhi suggests, take up an activity to take your mind off things. Maybe learning something new so you can get a sense of achievement from your own actions.
As Jsbodhi suggests, take up an activity to take your mind off things. Maybe learning something new so you can get a sense of achievement from your own actions.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi Chillly.
I agree with the posters above that if you feel the way you've described, it's not a good time to get into new relationships, and the short-term affairs you are used to may just distract you from more important goals and areas to work on.
But I understand the desire. Well whether or not it's truly sex addiction, or something else (~what motivates these thoughts, feelings, and behaviors), only you can figure out. Good that you have a therapist helping but don't take everything s/he says for granted. I've seen quite a few alcoholics and drug addicts claiming that they were also sex addicts -- sometimes it's true, other times not really and there are other issues underneath the surface of needing/seeking attention. Can be many different things.
I never had anything against causal sex if it's done in a responsible way and with mutual consent, but if you would like to try to approach it in a different way in the future, maybe wait until your motivation is NOT primarily to have attention on you, for you... but that you feel a genuine interest in someone, in a more complex way. Sort of an attention shift. If you are not used to this or find that you don't recognize these differences easily, perhaps this would something to work on with a therapist. That might be more like relationship material
But again, not now.
My suggestion is that you try to resist these current urges, most importantly, because it's more than likely that if you gave in, it would be powerful trigger for you to get back into drinking. The mental associations we develop over a long period between our addictions, or our DOC and other behaviors, are usually very strong initially; it takes time and work to reframe all that and be able to react and handle it differently.
I also second Jsbodhi's advice, and maybe try to just make new friends if you feel lonely. If women are triggering, spend time with guys or family.
I agree with the posters above that if you feel the way you've described, it's not a good time to get into new relationships, and the short-term affairs you are used to may just distract you from more important goals and areas to work on.
But I understand the desire. Well whether or not it's truly sex addiction, or something else (~what motivates these thoughts, feelings, and behaviors), only you can figure out. Good that you have a therapist helping but don't take everything s/he says for granted. I've seen quite a few alcoholics and drug addicts claiming that they were also sex addicts -- sometimes it's true, other times not really and there are other issues underneath the surface of needing/seeking attention. Can be many different things.
I never had anything against causal sex if it's done in a responsible way and with mutual consent, but if you would like to try to approach it in a different way in the future, maybe wait until your motivation is NOT primarily to have attention on you, for you... but that you feel a genuine interest in someone, in a more complex way. Sort of an attention shift. If you are not used to this or find that you don't recognize these differences easily, perhaps this would something to work on with a therapist. That might be more like relationship material
But again, not now.My suggestion is that you try to resist these current urges, most importantly, because it's more than likely that if you gave in, it would be powerful trigger for you to get back into drinking. The mental associations we develop over a long period between our addictions, or our DOC and other behaviors, are usually very strong initially; it takes time and work to reframe all that and be able to react and handle it differently.
I also second Jsbodhi's advice, and maybe try to just make new friends if you feel lonely. If women are triggering, spend time with guys or family.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Fingerlakes,NY
Posts: 4,536
I agree it does get lonely. If I were putting myself out there I would definitely probably latch on to attention as well just to validate myself. But I realize I am the one who has to validate myself no one can do it for me. I have been single since Aug and really don't feel anywhere near ready for even a casual relationship.
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