tokidoki

Your wife sounds like a wonderful person. I am going through a similar thing; grieving for both of my parents. They were wonderful people. We had the expected, dysfunctional middle-class stuff, but I must say, like you..that I hope I can be a fraction of the people they were...(sigh)

Gonnachange

Thanks. You always know the right thing to write. I am so upset with myself because I was blessed with wonderful forbearers and I'm trying live up to that standard with my career, my children, my wife, and if I'm fortunate to have any, my grandchildren.

She is. We've been together for 32 plus years and next month will celebrate our 28th wedding anniversary. She's my best friend.

Funny thing about growing up. When I was 17 I knew everything and my parents not so much. As I got older they got smarter. But even in my turbulent teenage years there was always the consistency of love and support and I greatly benefited from that. I'm glad that you had such a good relationship with your parents; it's a gift.

Still Sad

Since my last post here my daughter called to talk about her grandfather. I told her that I forgot and while I held it together while talking with her and I knew she wanted some consoling she consoled me probably more than I did her. I shed tears afterward for the first time in years.

My wife's at the gym so I'm going to stay up to talk to her when she gets home, but it's going to be an early night. I hope sleep comes easily, which it rarely does under the best of circumstances.

tokidoki

Oh dear Gonnachange, I really *do* understand, I think, what you are going through. I have two daughters and though they have gone through loss after loss these last @11 years, they have been amazing. Yup, my parents were *idiots* (I thought at 17), but isn't it amazing that they become such sages when we are 20+ years old..?

Gonnachange

Maybe we have the same parents. :-)

I'm sorry that you and your daughters have had to endure so many years of loss, but I'm very glad to read that they are "amazing". Don't know how old they are, but cherish them.

Della1968

Sounds like there was some pretty good child rearing going on Toki and GC to me that is the best way to honor your parents.

tokidoki

Well, older DD is 24 and in her 2nd year of dental school. Younger DD is going to graduate HS this year...

Gonnachange

Me and my wife are doing the best we can and seeing how things have turned it, it's been quite good. We have an excellent relationship with both kids and I get incredible joy from that.

Thanks for your comments; after posting here, speaking with my daughter and my wife, and the passage of time I'm more at peace with what was, still in my mind, a screw up.

Your kids and mine are close in age. My daughter is a collegiate senior who will be going to grad school next year to get a degree in speech pathology. Undergrad, she's dual majoring in special education and psychology. My son is a sophomore in college and is dual majoring in marketing and management. Not sure what his graduate degree will be in, but it's going to be business oriented.

A big thanks to everyone who helped me out. I'm still upset, but as I wrote above I'm in a far better place. Most importantly I'm sober and in a short while be going to sleep. Once again, thank you my SR friends.

SoberLeigh

Have a good sleep, Gonnachange, and All.

Gonnachange

Thanks.

Priorities

My number one priority this morning was visiting my father's grave and making amends. Mission accomplished.

I was so distraught last night that I realized this morning that I broke my recent habit of writing what I'm cooking for dinner. The back story to last night's meal was that two nights ago my wife suggested that since we're in the midst of a very cold streak of weather we should cook something summery and she wanted hamburgers and baked beans. So Wednesday night I soaked the beans and last night we had burgers stuffed with smoked mozzarella (yes, smoked by me), baked beans, and a salad. So that I don't forget to write about tonight, I'm planning on making a cauliflower pizza crust and topping it with sauce that is simmering in the kitchen as I type, sautéed onions, ricotta and mozzarella cheeses. Salad on the side.

Starting tonight I'm going to be spending surrounded by alcohol for the weekend, but I'm not too concerned. Tonight me, my wife, and some friends are going to a bar to listen to a mutual friend's band. Tomorrow I'm hosting a small dinner party (menu below) before going to a concert at a venue in town. Sunday my wife and I are going to a St. Patrick's Day party that our friend hosts every year on the day of her town's parade. All three involve driving so I'll have additional incentive to stick with non alcoholic drinks.

Menu for tomorrow:

Appys:

• Baked wonton wrappers filled with a layer of baby spinach and then salmon grilled with Dijon mustard and mixed with diced avocado
• Butter bean hummus and crudité

Main course:

• Indonesian ginger chicken
• Mashed potatoes
• Spinach pie

Dessert:

We're supplying fruit and the other guests will bring something.

I'll end this babble by writing that today is much better than the past two days.

SoberLeigh

I think that I am gaining weight by mentally pigging-out on your menus, Gonnachange. Your menu sounds amazing.

Gonnachange

Thanks. I think I like to eat even more than I like to cook which is why I have to exercise almost every day. Otherwise I would be rather rotund.

tokidoki

Dang, Gonnachange. Stop it already (not). Every single dish you mentioned makes me soooo hungry.

Gonnachange

Thanks for the compliment. Hopefully my guests like the menu as much as you do.

Gonnachange

I drank last night. For no reason. Rightly so, my wife is annoyed with me today. I completely agree with her and we've talked about it this morning, but as we all know words are easy so whatever I said doesn't hold much merit. It's actions that count and the only thing I can do is to make the proper decisions today, which means not drinking. I'm not sure why I keep stumbling; nothing good came from me having that first one last night and nothing good will come from me having any alcohol today. My goal is to have a sober day enjoying my dinner guests and the concert we're going to attend.

This hamster wheel stuff sucks.

Dee74

I think you need a plan. A real honest to goodness no holds barred plan, GC.

Posting here is great - but it's not stopping you from drinking...

so...what else can you add?
what more can you do?

D

tokidoki

"Hamster wheel stuff"...Yup, got it. Gonnachange, gotta tell you, February has not been a good month for me (via sobriety, of course). There was a promise to a certain family member that I broke...so ridiculous. Anyway, just need to let you know that I am with you. Let's recommit and make March a great month.

Gonnachange

D, had I more time yesterday I would have come here and written that I need to develop a more solid plan so I'm in complete agreement with you. I'm about to leave the house, but will give some thought afterward about what to do going forward. Short term, I'm not going to drink today.

You got a deal.

Yesterday

I had no alcohol at my dinner party, the concert, or when we came back to the house to hang for a while. We're about to leave for a St. Patrick's Day parade and party and I'm not going to have anything to drink. I know that I have to come up with a more viable long term solution, but for today this is going to have to be sufficient.

tokidoki

That's a victory. Good for you, gonnachange.

Gonnachange

Thank you.

Since My Last Post

My absence since yesterday morning's post was due to us getting home late yesterday and today being a busy one. I'm happy to write that while I did have one virgin Bloody Mary yesterday, that's the closest I've come to having anything alcoholic. It's a homemade recipe that the hostess makes for her St. Paddy's Day parties and I've enjoyed in years past. Just to be sure, I asked the hostess if there was any alcohol in the mixture because sometimes she adds it to the pitcher. This year the vodka bottle was on the side so I was good to go and enjoyed my one before moving onto water.

SoberLeigh

I love Virgin Mary's, too, Gonnachange, with lots of horseradish and a dash of Tabasco.