Gonnachange

I'll be the first to admit that my AV is active and just as I'll write about that I feel compelled to write when I've let it get the upper hand. Fortunately, during Friday's little party is was only 1.

Since then I haven't had anything with alcohol. We went to dinner last night at the restaurant I mentioned in the Recipe thread and only had water. Today, after cleaning up our acts post race for the first time ever I did not a post race beer. Water again.

Getting back to the one on Friday, my goal is not to moderate and I know I'm making great strides in that direction, but I'm not going to beat myself up. It happened, I wrote about it, I'm not making excuses, and I'm moving on.

SW, I appreciate your input so don't be shy about it my friend.

Thanks. We had a fun time after taking care of race business yesterday, which really means going to the expo to pick up your bib, shirt, and swag. While there we met my son who came from college and a good friend of mine who was running and came with his two boys. We hung out and then went to dinner, as I mentioned to SW.

The alarm went off at 5:15 this morning and the race went well. There were over 40,000 runners and well organized and fortunately my asthma was not an issue. After our post race clean up we drove our son back to college and took him for a late lunch. As I wrote above I've never participated in a race longer than 10K (this was 10 miles, an extremely odd distance) that I did not have a beer afterward. But not today.

Della1968

Good for you!!!

SoberLeigh

Ten mile race; I am impressed, GC; glad that your asthma was not an issue.

Gonnachange

Thanks Della. It's hard to articulate how much it meant to me to do well, by my standards, in today's race. The best I can write is that I'm going to consider once again training for a marathon.

Since I've been home I've switched from water to club soda.

Della1968

I think that's a great idea!

Soberwolf

Whats your plan ?

Also ive just read in the recipe thread that your hosting a dinner party for 25 ppl (with alcohol present ?) like at your other gatherings with you knowing full well your AV is active can you say this is a good idea for anyone struggling to remain abstinent

I dont know what to say GC if this was another thread say entitled 'hosting a dinner party in very early sobriety' and in it it had somerone such as yourself struggling to remain abstinent what do you think this forum would say

i feel like im the only one saying this to you but please believe me when i say im saying this as a friend

Dee74

Hi GC

I just want to back up soberwolf.

No need to beat yourself up - but I think one glass is a big deal because it shows that your AV can still get the upper hand....your disease illness or condition...call it what you will...is still active.

I wonder whether you have this dream deep in your mind somewhere that you can be the 'one glass...or two guy'?

D

Gonnachange

Thanks Della. I'm already signed up for a half marathon in Baltimore this fall with my wife and am now looking around for fall marathons. I was thinking of running a small-ish one that goes from Schenectady to Albany, but it's six days before the Baltimore run and something tells me that that is not a good game plan.

SW, I know you're posting as a friend who has my best interests in heart. Never worry about me feeling otherwise.

My plan is to continue to use a combination of SR and AVRT. I truly believe it's been effective and although I haven't been 100% compliant I've come a long way. One drink every week or so is vastly different than more than 15 a day.

As for the upcoming party, it's happening and there will be alcohol available. Some guests will have and others will not. I will be in the latter camp and don't think I'm going to have too much trouble. As you know we host a lot and if you think back to the recent three consecutive weekends when we hosted parties I got through those just fine. Is this the absolute ideal situation? I'm not sure. I know that environments like the one I'll find myself in on Sunday are not my problem; it's the drinking alone that is and I recognize that the two are intertwined and to the extent that I can be comfortable and have no urges when around some others who are drinking can only help me in the long run.

Dee, thanks for your always appreciated input. To answer your question, I'm not consciously thinking that I can be the one glass or two guy and even when I had the one Friday night I didn't start the evening with the mindset of "only having one." My AV got the upper hand, but was quickly put back in its place for the balance of the evening.

Gonnachange

Thanks SL. Yeah, I was glad, to say the least, that my asthma was not an issue. My conditioning was meh because of the curtailed training, but we finished and had a good time.

This was the first ten mile race I ever ran. In fact I've never heard of another one. I've done dozens of marathons, halfs, and 10k's so I know how to pace myself for those. This was a different animal, but me and my wife followed our conservative game plan for the first half, tested ourselves a little bit more for most of the second and gave it everything we had for the last mile. Sorry as I'm sure that was too much information.

As it relates to SR, I'll repeat that yesterday was the first race of at least ten miles that I did not have a beer after showering and getting clean clothes on. In fact, I had no desire for one so hopefully I've removed one association with alcohol.

Gonnachange

I almost never go out during the week and even more so on a Monday, but tonight I'm meeting a friend to see the fifth annual Grateful Dead Meet Up movie. This year it's a concert from 1989. One day one showing and tonight's the night. The movie theatre has bar and food service, but I'm eating at home and my beverage of choice will be water that I'm bringing.

SoberLeigh

Have fun, GC; enjoy the movie and the water (the best drink in the house).

Gonnachange

Thanks SL; it's going to be a good time even though I don't like starting the week by going out. Fortunately it won't be late and I should be home about 10 so I'll be well rested for an 8 AM breakfast meeting I have.

Yes, water is very good. When out of the house I always have a water bottle with me and when working there is always a glass of club soda on my desk.

Hope I didn't bore you to tears with the info about the races in my last post to you.

SoberLeigh

Bore me?????? Not at all!!!!!!

Dee74

see the language you use there GC? you 'controlled' your AV?
I'd contend that you didn't...

I appreciate you grabbed back the wheel before you hit the rocks - but it was still 'pilot error'.

I've had many nights like the one you described where I didn;t stop and i lost the plot.

Once I drink, any 'control' I might have is more luck than anything else.

Maybe you're not picking up what I'm laying down and that's fine...it's your life, your recovery, your journey - just don't underestimate this thing, ok ?

D

Gonnachange

I'm glad about that. :-)

SoberLeigh

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mVH...yer_detailpage

One of my favorite choir songs; simply beautiful (like my two friends GC and SW).

We are moving in the same direction, with the same goal.



MANY GIFTS, ONE SPIRIT
Music and lyrics by Allen Pote

Many gifts, one spirit, many songs, one voice
Many reasons, one promise, many questions, one choice.

O, God, we pray for unity, give guidance from above.
In our differences unite us in the circle of your love.

O, God, remind us we are not alone.
Though we move on different pathways, we are walking to your throne.

Help us learn to love each other, show us ways to understand.
We are members of one familly, growing strong by joining hands.

O, God, remind us we are not alone.
Though we move on different pathways, we are walking to your throne.

Take our many ways of working, blend the colors of each soul
into the beauty of a rainbow.
Give us life, Lord, make us whole.

EndGameNYC

Let's take a breather here.

SW, it sounds as though you're frustrated with GC's apparent nonchalance around having the occasional drink, that he may not be serious about his sobriety. Having witnessed so many like stories here on SR, all of which ended badly, your reactions are at least understandable. You'd likely choose a different way to express your frustration were you to allow yourself more time to sit with it. Ask me how I know.

GC, you don't like being challeneged or confronted on what does and what does not or has not been working for you. Welcome to the club. Yet you generally project an uneasy calm amidst what seems like your gathering storm. More than 440 posts later, you're still diddling around with the occasional drink, and essentially claim that it's okay since it's much less than previously, and that you'll be fine so long as you think your way through sobriety -- that you've somehow mastered this -- without, apparently, making the necessary adjustments.

Okay, time to disarm.

Gonnachange

Endgame, thank you for you cogent post. You're right, I'm not 100% sober. It's my goal, but the glass of champagne on Friday is proof of that I'm not there. Somehow I don't think I'm writing about my experiences properly because a lot of the feedback I've gotten is akin to your reference to my apparent nonchalance, as well as that I'm not taking this seriously, I'm condoning the occasional drink, etc. I've tried to counter that by explicitly stating otherwise, but if there is still a relatively common interpretation from people I'm trying to emulate then I have to determine why I'm not properly explaining myself. Does me writing that I only had one before righting the ship give off the wrong impression? If it comes across as I planned on said evening to have one and be done I can assure everyone that there has never been any such "plan." My intent in writing about such situations is to publicly acknowledge my mistake and also let anyone reading know that I didn't go off the rails. Of course all of that would go away if I didn't have another drink, which I haven't since what I had on Friday.

Thanks for taking the time to post.

Gonnachange

Low level anxiety today because I have to take a CT scan tomorrow to determine if the nodule on my lung has changed. Trying to remain calm, both about the scan and the results. To add another layer of something for me to be concerned about, when I called the imaging center to confirm they told me they never received the prescription from my pulmonologist. When I called the doctor's office they said they sent it on Monday, but would do so again. I'm going to give the process another hour before calling again to see if everything is resolved. Throwing some iron around at the gym this morning helped calm me down and while going there again is not an option I may go for a run later today. Regardless of what transpires I am committed to sobriety.

Gonnachange

The update about what I wrote earlier is that everything is in place for my scan tomorrow. Still nervous, but I did go out for a short and intense 2.5 mile run that helped to calm me down. I'm sure my anxiety will rise as the day gets long and more so tomorrow AM, but I'm going to deal with it in healthy ways and will not use the short term salve of alcohol. Promise!