Jen73

I been crying all night and no one to hold, or just hear him say are you okay.

Came home from my meeting last night around 8pm. Came in and see my hubby playing video games with our son, will my son was just watching him play.

We lived in this house for 15 years, almost 16 in June. I was very tired but couldn't sleep, so I sat on the love seat that's in front of the window. Feeling irritated and bored.

I want to just have a conversation with my hubby or something but, I didn't even get that, I feel like I am walking on egg shells here and I don't like this damn feeling. Its really making me crazy and snappy.

I decided to play with Dixie who is our dog, she has a toy that feels like a stuff animal but its a donut. It doesn't harm anything when you throw it. I accidently threw it and it went toward the flat TV and bounce off. My hubby just yelled at me and made me feel like ****. I started walking toward the door and just told him you make me feel like ****. He yelled back and said I make him feel like ****... Really stupid I say!!

Normally I wouldn't let things bother me, but I feel that we are just getting farther and farther from us.

I guess before all this happen, I ask what did the CPS say, cause I had to leave for my meeting.

He told me that they are coming on Thursday, which is next Thursday for a Team Family Group, and they want my daughters counselor to come, since the counselor knows both my daughter and husband life history.

Immediately, felt like I am alone in this and don't have no one to back me up and at least to say some positive things about me.

So that's probably why all this crap went down like this, cause I was just in a **** mood about it.

I don't have the money to get an attorney, or anything to protect me.
I never abused my kids, I yelled at them.

Maybe why I feel further and further with hubby, cause he's the one who called the cops on me .I hated him doing that to me.

I feel like crap today, my eyes are very swollen and red looks like haven't slept for days.

I didn't drink last night though, I kept up my bargain. I wasn't even craving for a drink. What I was craving is a sorry and I love you... But I guess I got learn that wont happen for sometime.

sorry for me venting, but need to get it out. I know some of this might not make any sense, I just a wreck today!!

SoberLeigh

Jen, has CPS informed you of purpose of the CPS meeting? Are you and your husband in agreement as to the outcome you would like to see from the meeting?

Have you met with CPS previously? Have they stated their goals?

biminiblue

Try not to future trip - you have no way of knowing what's going to happen, and it may end up being a good thing. If this helps you to stay sober for your son, then it is a good thing. CPS isn't the boogey man and they do have your child's safety in mind.

Your husband may just need to see a period of sobriety from you before he's willing to let down his guard again.

Best thing you can do is keep going to meetings and stay here close to us. This is all going to work out for you if you keep doing the right things.

Jen73

Supposedly the CPS is coming out to see what we are doing, what are goals are to prevent this to happen and provide other services.

We have met the CPS previously

I am doing something about it, by going to 2-3 meetings a week.

My husband and my daughter goes to Ala-non once a week and my daughter goes to Counseling once a week.

Aellyce

Jen, have you considered getting help for yourself besides going to meetings? A therapist or counselor, something like that. From your posts, it sounds like it might be helpful... just a feeling. Might also help in your family issues if you get better yourself emotionally. Even just to talk to someone f2f, that you cannot do at home.

SoberLeigh

It doesn't seem to me as though you would need an attorney for that type of meeting.

Try to stay calm and positive and do a lot of listening. Have you thought about any face to face counseling? Early sobriety can be a very emotional time.

Jen73

My husband told me that if they wanted to take our kids they would of done it that night, which was 2/3/15-

He has told me here and there that I am doing a good job and all

This crap of Mix Emotions and cant just turn it off, it just keeps pouring and pouring. I haven't felt like this emotions for a long time... Like when my dad died 2007, that was the last time I felt my emotions out of whack.

I know I need a open-mind when it comes to CPS

Jen73

I have got help with counseling before, but I didn't get the satisfaction of results. Most counseling does not know the mentally and physically what people are going through cause they never had to go threw this. They went to school for this to be prepared, but I never could feel that relationship with them when it comes to my problems. Does this make any sense?

I have thought of going to Marriage Counseling for Steve and I

I have a couple of phone numbers I can call to talk to f2f

Tonks

Actually a great majority of therapists and counselors Have gone through things like this.

It's often our own past that drives us to help others.

ulfr

* hugs * sorry you are feeling ill i hope you get better soon

biminiblue

Well, early sobriety is the cause of a lot of the mental storm. Your brain has to heal. Alcohol attacks the nervous system - your emotions are super-raw right now.

My advice (that you didn't ask for...) is to be still. Do nothing. Try to be quiet and think of happy things - a past vacation, a favorite lake or stream, your happiest days as a child - whatever brings you joy. Every time you have a scary or panicky thought, switch it to one of those things. Keep doing that. It's a process of retraining.

Jen73

another issue with this whole getting help is Money, I don't have a job, I get really close getting a job then they tell me we are looking at other candidates.

My husband brings home 1200.00 every other week, he pays a car payment, my car is paid off, house mortgage, utilities, doctor bills, car insurance, 2 credit cards he owes, he has to pay back 500 each month back on his 401k retirement he took out a huge a sum to pay off bills, but it didn't make dent, my daughter goes to cheer so the traveling can be expensive when we go to her competitions, My mother n law helps out paying for her cheer tuition every month. He pays his school loans and since I don't have a job I stop my payments on my school loans.

What I am telling you, I hear from him that we don't have no money and it really makes me upset. It cost money to go to therapist or counseling, well the good ones that actually help.

All i hear from him is we cant afford it

Jen73

Writing poetry, being on here and going to meetings makes me happy... Right now its snowy here so i cant do nothing outside.

I am trying to be calm and relax, thank you

Soberwolf

(((Jen)))