The "pop-up" thought
 

I had a great day yesterday, starting out in a good mood today. One thing I've noticed is what I call the pop up thought. My AV is so tiny now but it managed to squeak out the words "glass of wine" at least once or twice a day. I never understood what it meant when people tell me to "let it go". This happens to me daily and although I would love to stop, fantasize about sipping a glass of wine, picture what that might be like...I let it go. I won't dare go there. That would mean good bye to all the good things that are happening right now. Glass of wine would put me right back into that deep groove of the broken record that has been playing for 25 years. I'm tired of that song.

Jennifer

Great post, Jennifer! Glad to hear you're doing well. Keep at it, sista!

Thankyou

Jennifer

Hi and thanks for the post.
I’m grateful to be for a good period of time without a desire to drink for years. BUT occasionally, 2-4 times a year I’ll be watching TV and see something that I wonder what it tastes like because it wasn’t around when I was drinking. I quickly rein myself in by reminding myself what I am, a person who cannot drink in safety.
BE WELL

My AV pops up sometimes as well.

I make sure it's a one way conversation.

You sound good Jen, I'm glad.

You say you fantasize about how having a glass would be like. When my AV whispers that "sweet tune" I do visualize it all the way through and the ending always discourages my "urge"... Ughhh, to wake up with a headache, stomachache, looking like crap then having to get ready and get my family ready feeling nauseous and bad. Etc.

We are finding that resolve so we have to feed it. I don't necessarily "ignore" my AV, I put it down!

I send you a high five!!!!

Nice post CG

Thanks guys!

Jennifer

I had to resist the temptation as I walked by the booze isle at WalMart the other day. I just wanted to see what new wines there were. Luckily my AA ?training? kicked in and I thought, what a stupid thing to think!

Take a good look at your AV, head-on.
Laugh at it's pitiful cries.
It's a depraved liar.
Treat it as such.

I couldn't help but laugh when you wrote it squeaks out " glass of wine"
It just can't let go can it! Haha

Sitting in Vegas yesterday with my new boss and my new boss's boss.... my new boss says to me "oh... and __NEW BOSS's BOSS___ is your GUY when it comes to single malt recommendations"

This came after they were discussing various types of beers.

I heard my AV pipe up with pop-up thoughts "You NEED to drink with these guys... they're your BOSSES... obviously you won't be good enough if you say you don't drink".


During a presentation a guy references "The Irish and Australian sales teams" in a drinking reference. My AV goes "YOU'RE Irish.... ancestrally.... clearly you can handle drinking!!"

At a couple of intervals during the day, surrounded by the omnipresence of Vegas booze, my AV painted a subtle picture. No words... just a vague image of me, drinking with others.... 'enjoying' it.... 'partying'.....

But I recognized them all.... just my AV. Not reality. A grieving old little boy inside yearning for a 'good time' that is just an illusion. The wiring of an addicted brain firing off at habitual stimuli.

I'm not going to do it, because I can honestly say to myself that it never was worth it. That even if I did or could 'just have a few' - the best case scenario would simply be a clouded mind and too many calories. I am grateful for my body, my health, my clarity of mind, my improved focus, my reduced anxiety, my stronger sense of self worth, my ability to be honest and focused and hard working and to live with integrity.

This morning at the coffee shop I watched a 5am drunk stumbling back from an all nighter, probably still in blackout. I've been that guy too many times.... My AV wants me to be that guy.

I don't.

:ring

Thanks CG for your post. I get the same thing every day still too. I just make sure now that I guard against letting it grow.