Terrified of losing him - Please help
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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Terrified of losing him - Please help
Hello all.
I am a 25 year old woman, living with my 30 year old boyfriend of 2 years. I wish to remain as anonymous as possible, because I am ashamed of myself for sharing personal information about my partner and my relationship without his knowledge. I am in a very confusing place, and I hope you can listen to my story and offer some perspective and advice.
I have never been a drinker, which makes it difficult for me to understand why my partner turns to alcohol. I drink maybe one night every 5 months, with friends or family. In contrast, my boyfriend has been drinking regularly since his early teens.
What follows is my concerns and incidents I believe to be indicative of alcohol addiction/dependence.
When we met, I noticed he liked to drink alcohol during the day which I thought was unusual at first, but then chalked it up to being a 'man thing', and a way to de-stress from work. After getting to know him better, I found drank every day and occasionally (sometimes often) would get really drunk and loud. At these times he seemed to be a different person - inviting me over only to ignore me and sit at the computer playing music and drinking. He would also be aggressive (something I confessed to liking during intimacy- albeit when both parties are sober and consenting!) and when I complained or told him to reign it in a little would only reply with something along the lines of 'But I thought you liked that?' and then continue a few minutes later. A few times I am embarrassed to admit I was frightened, although he never hurt me seriously. This kind of thing went on for a few months. I do not remember if I truly let him know how much it bothered me at that time. I must have mentioned it, but my memory is hazy.
The first turning point happened after a night out on the town. We had been invited out with my family - my aunts, father, sister, mother and cousins were there. He had already had a few drinks when we left the house (I remember thinking: 'fair enough - he has not met my family many times yet and he is probably nervous. A few drinks might help break the ice'). However after a couple more drinks, he is making comments about my aunts' breasts, yelling and dancing and grabbing me sexually in front of my parents. When a friend of the family arrives, he very obviously flirts with her right in front of me, leaving me trying my best not to cry. Afterwards we head to another pub. My uncle, who suffers from anxiety and does not often come to family gatherings as a result, was not feeling too great. Cue my boyfriend grinding against him and coaxing him to dance/ shoving him. My uncle shoves him back, hard, and I decide that it is a great time to drag my boyfriend away. I am so angry and upset by now - I ask him not to drink any more, I am looking him right in the eyes and pleading with him. He looks right back at me before proceeding to order another drink. I am really upset now, and I rush off to the ladies toilets as I can feel tears welling up. Whilst I am in the stall, I hear retching coming from the stall next door, and it is of course my boyfriend, who is vomiting. I clean the stall and help him out of the toilets - unfortunately the security guard had seen us coming out of the ladies toilets and I must explain what happened. He informs me he is escorting us out of the side door, but gives me time to discreetly let my family know we are leaving (I do not explain what has happened, only that we are leaving to 'get food') before helping me guide him out the door. I apologise profusely. The rest of the night involves me trying my best to help my stumbling boyfriend into a taxi, home and upstairs into bed. The next day, he does not remember any of it. I sure let him know though (although not all of the details) and he is very remorseful, driven to tears. He promises me he will not do anything like that again.
Since that night, I have felt torn between the love I have for my sober boyfriend and the disgust and anger I feel when he has had too much to drink. I am terrified of something like that happening again. For the next few months, he truly does cut down on the beer.
The next problem arises when we have both had a drink - I think it was his birthday or something - and he becomes too aggressive again. I tell him to ease off, which he does at first, but continues a few moments later. I do not want to make him out to be a bad man here - I know he is doing it because I do like it at times. But it feels like he does not know his own strength, and isn't taking my 'safe words' seriously because he is drunk. The next day in addition to bruises on my arms, I have bruises by my eye and on my cheek, which I try my best to cover up and feel great embarrassment about. tell him my concerns and he promises not to do it again.
He cuts down on the beer again. We move in together, and the first few months seem great. I do not think he is drinking. All is going okay until he gets drunk while we are celebrating my birthday. We go to bed, but I wake up to an awful smell. He has had an upset stomach, but has been so drunk as to have gone in the bedroom on the carpet... In this instance I was so sympathetic to any embarrassment he might have felt, I did not show anger. I helped him clean up and assured him it would be okay. I have a talk the day after and he promises me it will be the last time. Through tears, I feel forced to say that if there is another time, it will certainly be the last, as I will have to leave him. I am terrified of the next time... I love this man to bits and leaving him would be the most painful thing I could ever experience. I told him I did not want him to drink any more. This was approximately 5 months ago. The following weeks appear 'dry' again.
After spilling the above and reading it to myself, I'm scared he sounds like a bad man - but he truly isn't. I feel that the drink turns him into a completely different person. I hate it.
Recently (since about 2 months), I notice he is drinking and hiding it. Maybe 4 or 5 beers a day, not every day but certainly at least 3 days a week.
Last night, I had a chat to him about the recent alcohol consumption. He told me he felt 'tied down' not being able to have a drink, and would like to be able to have a normal amount to relax after work. I truly sympathise - I feel awful every time I feel like I need to ask him not to drink, as I am taking away his autonomy. Last night I told him he can drink, so long as he tells me about it and does not keep it a secret. He tells me he just wants me to trust him. Well that was last night and today when I returned home from a tea with friends, I noticed he seemed to be hiding something (he has a nervous smile), and I saw he was carrying a bag which 'clinked' when he put it down. I did not mention anything but asked if he was going to have a drink today. He said 'no'. After he had head to work, I noticed receipts in the bin and even though I felt awful disrupting his privacy, I dug them out and read them. There was one dated today with 4 cans of beer and a cider on it, in addition to ones from earlier on in the week with beer.
I do not know what to do. Is it okay for this amount to be drunk or will it lead to the horrible behaviour in the past? Am I being too controlling? I don't want to lose what we have. Please help.
I am a 25 year old woman, living with my 30 year old boyfriend of 2 years. I wish to remain as anonymous as possible, because I am ashamed of myself for sharing personal information about my partner and my relationship without his knowledge. I am in a very confusing place, and I hope you can listen to my story and offer some perspective and advice.
I have never been a drinker, which makes it difficult for me to understand why my partner turns to alcohol. I drink maybe one night every 5 months, with friends or family. In contrast, my boyfriend has been drinking regularly since his early teens.
What follows is my concerns and incidents I believe to be indicative of alcohol addiction/dependence.
When we met, I noticed he liked to drink alcohol during the day which I thought was unusual at first, but then chalked it up to being a 'man thing', and a way to de-stress from work. After getting to know him better, I found drank every day and occasionally (sometimes often) would get really drunk and loud. At these times he seemed to be a different person - inviting me over only to ignore me and sit at the computer playing music and drinking. He would also be aggressive (something I confessed to liking during intimacy- albeit when both parties are sober and consenting!) and when I complained or told him to reign it in a little would only reply with something along the lines of 'But I thought you liked that?' and then continue a few minutes later. A few times I am embarrassed to admit I was frightened, although he never hurt me seriously. This kind of thing went on for a few months. I do not remember if I truly let him know how much it bothered me at that time. I must have mentioned it, but my memory is hazy.
The first turning point happened after a night out on the town. We had been invited out with my family - my aunts, father, sister, mother and cousins were there. He had already had a few drinks when we left the house (I remember thinking: 'fair enough - he has not met my family many times yet and he is probably nervous. A few drinks might help break the ice'). However after a couple more drinks, he is making comments about my aunts' breasts, yelling and dancing and grabbing me sexually in front of my parents. When a friend of the family arrives, he very obviously flirts with her right in front of me, leaving me trying my best not to cry. Afterwards we head to another pub. My uncle, who suffers from anxiety and does not often come to family gatherings as a result, was not feeling too great. Cue my boyfriend grinding against him and coaxing him to dance/ shoving him. My uncle shoves him back, hard, and I decide that it is a great time to drag my boyfriend away. I am so angry and upset by now - I ask him not to drink any more, I am looking him right in the eyes and pleading with him. He looks right back at me before proceeding to order another drink. I am really upset now, and I rush off to the ladies toilets as I can feel tears welling up. Whilst I am in the stall, I hear retching coming from the stall next door, and it is of course my boyfriend, who is vomiting. I clean the stall and help him out of the toilets - unfortunately the security guard had seen us coming out of the ladies toilets and I must explain what happened. He informs me he is escorting us out of the side door, but gives me time to discreetly let my family know we are leaving (I do not explain what has happened, only that we are leaving to 'get food') before helping me guide him out the door. I apologise profusely. The rest of the night involves me trying my best to help my stumbling boyfriend into a taxi, home and upstairs into bed. The next day, he does not remember any of it. I sure let him know though (although not all of the details) and he is very remorseful, driven to tears. He promises me he will not do anything like that again.
Since that night, I have felt torn between the love I have for my sober boyfriend and the disgust and anger I feel when he has had too much to drink. I am terrified of something like that happening again. For the next few months, he truly does cut down on the beer.
The next problem arises when we have both had a drink - I think it was his birthday or something - and he becomes too aggressive again. I tell him to ease off, which he does at first, but continues a few moments later. I do not want to make him out to be a bad man here - I know he is doing it because I do like it at times. But it feels like he does not know his own strength, and isn't taking my 'safe words' seriously because he is drunk. The next day in addition to bruises on my arms, I have bruises by my eye and on my cheek, which I try my best to cover up and feel great embarrassment about. tell him my concerns and he promises not to do it again.
He cuts down on the beer again. We move in together, and the first few months seem great. I do not think he is drinking. All is going okay until he gets drunk while we are celebrating my birthday. We go to bed, but I wake up to an awful smell. He has had an upset stomach, but has been so drunk as to have gone in the bedroom on the carpet... In this instance I was so sympathetic to any embarrassment he might have felt, I did not show anger. I helped him clean up and assured him it would be okay. I have a talk the day after and he promises me it will be the last time. Through tears, I feel forced to say that if there is another time, it will certainly be the last, as I will have to leave him. I am terrified of the next time... I love this man to bits and leaving him would be the most painful thing I could ever experience. I told him I did not want him to drink any more. This was approximately 5 months ago. The following weeks appear 'dry' again.
After spilling the above and reading it to myself, I'm scared he sounds like a bad man - but he truly isn't. I feel that the drink turns him into a completely different person. I hate it.
Recently (since about 2 months), I notice he is drinking and hiding it. Maybe 4 or 5 beers a day, not every day but certainly at least 3 days a week.
Last night, I had a chat to him about the recent alcohol consumption. He told me he felt 'tied down' not being able to have a drink, and would like to be able to have a normal amount to relax after work. I truly sympathise - I feel awful every time I feel like I need to ask him not to drink, as I am taking away his autonomy. Last night I told him he can drink, so long as he tells me about it and does not keep it a secret. He tells me he just wants me to trust him. Well that was last night and today when I returned home from a tea with friends, I noticed he seemed to be hiding something (he has a nervous smile), and I saw he was carrying a bag which 'clinked' when he put it down. I did not mention anything but asked if he was going to have a drink today. He said 'no'. After he had head to work, I noticed receipts in the bin and even though I felt awful disrupting his privacy, I dug them out and read them. There was one dated today with 4 cans of beer and a cider on it, in addition to ones from earlier on in the week with beer.
I do not know what to do. Is it okay for this amount to be drunk or will it lead to the horrible behaviour in the past? Am I being too controlling? I don't want to lose what we have. Please help.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome onanon, and thanks for sharing your story. Unfortunately, there is really nothing you can do to stop him from drinking until he is ready to stop for himself. It sounds crazy, but addiction is a crazy thing. All of the behaviors he exhibits are classic alcohlic traits, and most of us have had all or some of them.
The best thing you can do is take care of yourself - and be prepared that he may never quit. You are correct that he is not a "bad man" because of his addiction....but he does have to make the choice at some point to seek help and stop on his own. People who are forced into rehab or similar programs almost always return to their addictive behavior upon release. He's got to want it.
Check out the Friends and family forum here too...there are a lot of people who are in your unfortunate situation.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
The best thing you can do is take care of yourself - and be prepared that he may never quit. You are correct that he is not a "bad man" because of his addiction....but he does have to make the choice at some point to seek help and stop on his own. People who are forced into rehab or similar programs almost always return to their addictive behavior upon release. He's got to want it.
Check out the Friends and family forum here too...there are a lot of people who are in your unfortunate situation.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
sorry to hear what you have experienced - so far.
no-one can tell your boyfriend he is an alcoholic or has a problem with alcohol. Only he himself can make this determination and do something about it. And the sooner he gets around to admitting it the better off he (and you) will be assuming he does something about it.
Take it from someone who was that guy. I'd like to say "we just don't know any better" but it's not that simple. I'm sure he knows better, he just cannot control those behaviors while he is drinking. If he is an otherwise nice and caring individual - not a jerk in public - then the Dr Jekyll/ Mr Hyde aspect of alcohol abuse is beginning to rear its ugly head.
You have basically two options: ride it out hoping he comes to realize he needs help, or some other options I suppose. Nobody is going to fix him but him. You can hopefully get him to see the light - your best option at this time. Hope the best for you. Just do not expect things to suddenly change and get better. This guy has some work to do. And he is at the point where he seems to have not suffered any negative consequences due to his drinking. So naturally, he thinks he's just a party animal. Hopefully you will be able to knock some sense into him.
no-one can tell your boyfriend he is an alcoholic or has a problem with alcohol. Only he himself can make this determination and do something about it. And the sooner he gets around to admitting it the better off he (and you) will be assuming he does something about it.
Take it from someone who was that guy. I'd like to say "we just don't know any better" but it's not that simple. I'm sure he knows better, he just cannot control those behaviors while he is drinking. If he is an otherwise nice and caring individual - not a jerk in public - then the Dr Jekyll/ Mr Hyde aspect of alcohol abuse is beginning to rear its ugly head.
You have basically two options: ride it out hoping he comes to realize he needs help, or some other options I suppose. Nobody is going to fix him but him. You can hopefully get him to see the light - your best option at this time. Hope the best for you. Just do not expect things to suddenly change and get better. This guy has some work to do. And he is at the point where he seems to have not suffered any negative consequences due to his drinking. So naturally, he thinks he's just a party animal. Hopefully you will be able to knock some sense into him.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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Thank you, both; and well done for making your own changes - you are proof it can be done, and that gives me hope. I will definitely introduce myself to the friends and family section.
Those were not the straight-cut and clean answers I was hoping for, but I had very high hopes. It feels better to have gotten everything off my chest though, and thank you for reading my story.
I will continue to support him for as long as he needs but I think I will need some support of my own. I just hope he can decide to make the change.
Those were not the straight-cut and clean answers I was hoping for, but I had very high hopes. It feels better to have gotten everything off my chest though, and thank you for reading my story.
I will continue to support him for as long as he needs but I think I will need some support of my own. I just hope he can decide to make the change.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
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onanon, I don't wish to frighten you, but I also don't wish to give you a false sense of comfort. Just from what you described, I saw myself. I have no doubt that he hides his drinking from you. I started hiding a bottle in my garage. I just drank beer in front of my wife - so I really wasn't "hiding" my drinking was I?
Seriously, it's worse than you think and will only get worser if he continues.
Seriously, it's worse than you think and will only get worser if he continues.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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Thank you, LBrain. It does frighten me - I don't really know what I am in for. I know the longer I am with him, the harder it will be to leave. And it already seems impossible to leave right now, no part of me wants that.
In some ways, I am trying to convince myself that there is no problem.
In some ways, I am trying to convince myself that there is no problem.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 1,053
My family asked me to cut down so I drank wine in front of them and had vodka in the basement. I was never asked to stop and had no boundaries placed on me but I was never falling down drunk. Just drunk
Your next steps might be to set what boundaries you can deal with and outline them to him. You don't have to stay in this situation if you are not happy or fullfilled and you don't have to accept his behavior because he is an alcoholic.
Your next steps might be to set what boundaries you can deal with and outline them to him. You don't have to stay in this situation if you are not happy or fullfilled and you don't have to accept his behavior because he is an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: LBC, CA
Posts: 203
Hi onanon,
Your story sounds like it is a story that could be told by my girlfriend. I can tell you that he is not a bad man as I have come to realize I am not a bad man. It is alcohol that is bad and we (your boyfriend and I) have decide to leave it.
My girl has put up with a lot of my drunk, loud, belligerent, stupid, etc. episodes. She has said many times she would leave me if I don't stop but she has not done so, ever. I am glad she hasn't but at the same time I ask myself why she hasn't? She is a sweet and beautiful women. Men that are far better than me and that could provide for her so much more than I have, would love to take her from me. However, she is unlucky that she loves me. She really loves me but she loves the sober me.
I will tell you this. No amount of you telling him to stop will actually make him stop. He may stop a little bit, and half want to stop, but if wanting to stop doesn't come from him he will never stop.
You seem like a sweet young women, don't let him take advantage of that. I wish you the best.
P.S. You don't sound controlling or mean! So get that out of your head.
Your story sounds like it is a story that could be told by my girlfriend. I can tell you that he is not a bad man as I have come to realize I am not a bad man. It is alcohol that is bad and we (your boyfriend and I) have decide to leave it.
My girl has put up with a lot of my drunk, loud, belligerent, stupid, etc. episodes. She has said many times she would leave me if I don't stop but she has not done so, ever. I am glad she hasn't but at the same time I ask myself why she hasn't? She is a sweet and beautiful women. Men that are far better than me and that could provide for her so much more than I have, would love to take her from me. However, she is unlucky that she loves me. She really loves me but she loves the sober me.
I will tell you this. No amount of you telling him to stop will actually make him stop. He may stop a little bit, and half want to stop, but if wanting to stop doesn't come from him he will never stop.
You seem like a sweet young women, don't let him take advantage of that. I wish you the best.
P.S. You don't sound controlling or mean! So get that out of your head.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 514
Welcome to SR.
You can't help and support somebody else unless you are in a 'good' and strong place and looking after yourself FIRST. And, sorry if this sounds 'harsh', it doesn't sound like you are.
He is physically and emotionally damaging you. At the moment he is more likely to drag you down rather than you being able to help him.
Please don't sacrifice yourself for him.
I really don't mean to sound nasty and judgmental, just concerned about your welfare x
You can't help and support somebody else unless you are in a 'good' and strong place and looking after yourself FIRST. And, sorry if this sounds 'harsh', it doesn't sound like you are.
He is physically and emotionally damaging you. At the moment he is more likely to drag you down rather than you being able to help him.
Please don't sacrifice yourself for him.
I really don't mean to sound nasty and judgmental, just concerned about your welfare x
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 378
As an alcoholic I can confirm what others said: you can do absolutely nothing as long as he won't recognize the problem himself. When and if will that happen - only time will tell.
It sounds like you really love him. I hope it all ends well for you both xxx
It sounds like you really love him. I hope it all ends well for you both xxx
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5,453
He has to come to terms on his own that he has a drinking problem. It doesn't sound like he wants to quit. if he continues drinking things may get a lot worse for you. He may drink years and years before he admits he needs help or he may never quit. I hope you set some boundaries with him. I would hate to see you waste your life being unhappy if he never changes.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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Thank you everyone. Some hard truths and tough love.
I am beginning to see how much he is hiding.
For those of you who have been through or are going through this, what did it take for you to want to stop drinking? And what have you replaced it with?
I am beginning to see how much he is hiding.
For those of you who have been through or are going through this, what did it take for you to want to stop drinking? And what have you replaced it with?
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5,453
Onanon- everyone's rock bottom is different. First we realize we have a problem and need to change. A lot of people go to AA for help. I love to exercise and go to the gym. I drink a lot of coffee and tea too. 
Make sure you do lots of things to take care of yourself. Living with a alcoholic can really bring you down.
Make sure you do lots of things to take care of yourself. Living with a alcoholic can really bring you down.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: LBC, CA
Posts: 203
Originally Posted by onanon 
Thank you everyone. Some hard truths and tough love.
I am beginning to see how much he is hiding.
For those of you who have been through or are going through this, what did it take for you to want to stop drinking? And what have you replaced it with?
I am beginning to see how much he is hiding.
For those of you who have been through or are going through this, what did it take for you to want to stop drinking? And what have you replaced it with?
I have been in bad and dangerous situations but none of that made me want to quit. Going to the emergency and getting stitches did not make me want to quit. Waking up in various locations in the street or someone residence didn't make me want to quit. Acting like a fool in front of friends and losing friends did not make me want to quit. Threats of my girl leaving didn't make me want to quit. It was my deteriorating health at 31, when I had been healthy most of my life, made me finally say: I don't want this anymore.
I have not yet found a substitute for my beer yet but yesternight I purchased a twelve pack of Sierra Mist. I made chicken wings for dinner and felt like something cold and fizzy but only have beer in the fridge. I went and bought a case of soda... it didn't help much, satisfying is what I mean, thinking about it now, lol. But it was better than buying a case of beer. I try to stick with tea and water.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Onanon, I'm an alcoholic married to an alcoholic/drug user. A lot of what you described, describes me. You cannot make your boyfriend "see the light" anymore than you can change your eye color or the weather. Believe me, I've tried to do that with my husband and unless he wants to change or stop, nothing I say has any impact and is, in fact, likely to have the opposite reaction from what I'd like to see happen.
I am sure that when sober, your boyfriend is a great guy. When sober, my husband is a good guy. But when he relapses, honestly, I can't stand the person he becomes. And that is the person I have to live with, not the dream of what he is like when sober. I have to live with the drunken lout who is ultimately selfish.
This has been going on for ten years now. Off and on sobriety for us both. I chose to quit over a year ago. I needed to. I wanted to. I did it. If your boyfriend doesn't want to, he isn't going to. It is highly unlikely that he will ever be able to return to normal, one or two after work, drinking. Total abstinence will be the only way.
Take care of yourself. Make no apologies to your family for his behavior. He was the out of control person. Don't clean up after him. Maybe he was embarrassed, maybe he wasn't. You are taking care of him and putting bandages on his self inflicted wounds.
Ask yourself now, if he doesn't quit (and it doesn't seem like he wants to), and continues on these sprees, whether you wish to spend the next five, ten, fifteen years with this man? It will only get worse from this point on if he doesn't quit. You will accept worse and worse behavior as normal until you don't recognize yourself.
At this point, make any decisions about what to do about whether or not what he is doing RIGHT NOW is acceptable to you. Is this the life YOU want? Don't base your decisions on the dream of the life you would like to see happen for the two of you when he is his sober self. If someone had told me this ten years ago, I would have told them that I loved him, he would change, I'm alright, I see his potential, thank you very much, go away. Trust me that I'm still walking in your shoes at this moment and am contemplating what I will do now that my husband has again relapsed. And we now have two children which I am essentially raising as a single mother even though my husband is under the same roof as we are. It is not an easy life. It is not one I would choose for either of my children and I know that it is not a life I would continue.
Take care of you. You are the best friend you will ever have. I do suggest the family and friends forum. There are a lot of very supportive people there.
I am sure that when sober, your boyfriend is a great guy. When sober, my husband is a good guy. But when he relapses, honestly, I can't stand the person he becomes. And that is the person I have to live with, not the dream of what he is like when sober. I have to live with the drunken lout who is ultimately selfish.
This has been going on for ten years now. Off and on sobriety for us both. I chose to quit over a year ago. I needed to. I wanted to. I did it. If your boyfriend doesn't want to, he isn't going to. It is highly unlikely that he will ever be able to return to normal, one or two after work, drinking. Total abstinence will be the only way.
Take care of yourself. Make no apologies to your family for his behavior. He was the out of control person. Don't clean up after him. Maybe he was embarrassed, maybe he wasn't. You are taking care of him and putting bandages on his self inflicted wounds.
Ask yourself now, if he doesn't quit (and it doesn't seem like he wants to), and continues on these sprees, whether you wish to spend the next five, ten, fifteen years with this man? It will only get worse from this point on if he doesn't quit. You will accept worse and worse behavior as normal until you don't recognize yourself.
At this point, make any decisions about what to do about whether or not what he is doing RIGHT NOW is acceptable to you. Is this the life YOU want? Don't base your decisions on the dream of the life you would like to see happen for the two of you when he is his sober self. If someone had told me this ten years ago, I would have told them that I loved him, he would change, I'm alright, I see his potential, thank you very much, go away. Trust me that I'm still walking in your shoes at this moment and am contemplating what I will do now that my husband has again relapsed. And we now have two children which I am essentially raising as a single mother even though my husband is under the same roof as we are. It is not an easy life. It is not one I would choose for either of my children and I know that it is not a life I would continue.
Take care of you. You are the best friend you will ever have. I do suggest the family and friends forum. There are a lot of very supportive people there.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by onanon
Thank you everyone. Some hard truths and tough love.
I am beginning to see how much he is hiding.
For those of you who have been through or are going through this, what did it take for you to want to stop drinking? And what have you replaced it with?
I am beginning to see how much he is hiding.
For those of you who have been through or are going through this, what did it take for you to want to stop drinking? And what have you replaced it with?
This day was different. I passed in on the couch. My fiancé ( actually by this time she was. Ex fiancé. I just didn't know it yet) was in the bedroom. I went in. She was balling. She proceeded to tell me some of the things I said and did the night before. Although I didn't remember I believed what she was saying. I even said I was sorry only to hear ," you're f**king right you're sorry!" then a few more things she told me and ended it with," get the f**k out! Pack your sh*t and get out!!"
I didn't argue.
It was that day that the pain of gettin drunk exceeded the pain of reality. I was given the gift of desperation.
. That day was the first time I looked at my life without trying to stuff it and saw the wreckage I left in my wake, how any people I hurt, and what a mess I was inside. I had to do something,went through my past and saw things I had tried before, narrowed my choices down to AA or suicide.
I chose AA.
I replaced drinking with life- a life I would never have imagined to have.
This man ya talk about reminds me of me. Best move any woman ever did was to throw me out of their lives. It was either that or go down with me.
And as long as they stuck around they enabled me to continue the behavior.
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