Thatdeliveryguy

Well things are improving, I am righting this ship. I am owning my responsibilities and not drinking, gambling or anything else. For once in a long time I am in absolute control ( as much as I can). I can honestly say I don't regret this process of recovery, in a way I am glad I am alcoholic and this has happened to me, who else gets such an opportunity to explore themselves?

Oh for sure it has it down falls, you have to realize who you are, why you do what you do, how, when, where, it is you came to place your in. That confrontation can be scary, you facing you. Denying everything you know to be true. Proceeding in absolute terror, but know where you came from is much worse than where you are going.

This journey is rocking my mind. I've never known self control, I've never known normalcy, honestly I've never had dreams. I mean I dream, and wish and want, but I've never taken a step to achieve any of it. I mean people like me don't get their dreams realized. Or at least thats what I thought. I don't think I think that way anymore, now I am setting goals and trying for the impossible, because the plausibility of the impossible out weighs the implausibility of being an addict for life. Screw that!

One of the few things that upsets me is the state has determined my mental state is such I probably can't work and I am being prodded to apply for disability. I don't want disability, I want to work. I hate the very idea I am disabled by their standards, I am not disabled I just don't function like others.

You know, in my case, someone says you have too much anxiety, hear things that don't exist and can't work. I don't always respond well to medication but that doesn't mean I can't work I think. I think to myself, medicated and with much effort I can ignore the voices and proceed. Losing work, my vestige of hope, the one thing that restored both my sanity and self worth scares the hell out of me.

But what does one do? Its scary to have a system assign a value to you, and what you can do, and then tell you hey will help you out. I don't want that help, I want a help in a chance to work.

Recovering from alcoholism is hard, confusing and multi faceted in ways I can't even explain. Sorry I digress, I want value and worth and a sense of being again. Now I worry that might not happen for me, whats the value of recovery if you can't reap the benefits of improved life? Maybe just maybe i should prove them all wrong, mental illness isn't the cliched end all be all I hope. I want to work.

I am not disabled, I am enabled in a different way then others. I won't allow this set back to disable me anymore.

Thanks for reading this blatherskytes ruminations, good day and good luck to you all.

Sebastian84

Hi Deliveryguy, thanks for sharing - I definitely appreciate you writing this. To be honest it's reading posts like yours throughout today that has helped me on my first day, and given me hope that it's possible to beat this, so thank you.

I'm glad that you are righting the ship, and owning your actions. A mentor of mine once said that it shows the measure of a man when he takes full responsibility. I imagine that's the case even moreso when applied to challenging circumstances. The fact that you're so determined to find work inspires me. Well done, sir.

Seb.

Dee74

I'm on welfare too. It doesn't mean we're worthless J.

With all the things I do, I probably put in more hours than most workers do.
I like to think I do my part in making the world a little better.

I never used to like the disabled tag either - but as I get old and my body becomes more and more disobedient, I have to face facts, y'know?

But...in the end, I'm a guy, who in spite of the challenges he faces, has found a way to live a full and happy life.

Shouldn't that be that the object for all of us?

D

MythOfSisyphus

I can empathize with you, Jeremy. Work is a defining part of our lives much of the time. But as difficult as it is right now you might have to step back from idea. Don't abandon it but realize you need to get right with yourself and your life first. Don't put the cart before the horse. The future will still be there for you once you put your house in order.

gracetuesday

Hi TDG. So glad you are back online! One of the hardest things I have had to do is learn to ask for & accept help. My situation is different than yours; but the same in some ways....

Maybe you could consider a change in perspective? Maybe look at disability as "early retirement?".... A chance to do things you want to do instead of work? Maybe devote time & energy to service work? Or your family? Your daughter?

If I didn't have to work - here are the things I would love to do: work with the organization that feeds fresh, healthy food to the homeless/low income population; prepare healthy meals for people who don't have the time, or don't know how to cook; do service work helping other alcoholics.

Keeping you in my prayers!

anattaboy

You sound pretty damn good TDG! Don't stop doing what you are doing.

mecanix

Most of us get paid for doing something someone else things is important .

You are now getting paid for doing what you think is important, that sounds like freedom to me , good luck

m

headcase1

My situation is different than yours;Man Grace,I love that statement!! I'm in the same boat TDG, just had a meeting with my last employer today.People dream about not working but when it happens -Ouch!

SoberLeigh

^^^^ This; a million times this.

You have worth and value, TDG, well beyond your employment status.

Soberwolf

Jeremy from the moment i met you work has been important to you i remember how much you meant it then and how much you mean it now

Because your in early recovery i would say focus on that and see how things go let things stabalise esp with court etc

But you are that delivery guy so maybe in time try easing yourself bk into work maybe PT for a while see how you feel see how things pan out

I think your doing well Jeremy keep on keepin on

MaidenNZ

You rock TDG!!