Hi All - An Introduction, and Hopefully new Beginning
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 68
Hi All - An Introduction, and Hopefully new Beginning
Hi Everyone,
My name is Sebastian. I'm a 30 year old guy, and I have a problem with alcohol. Today is my 'first day'. Despite actually joining Sober Recovery a week or two ago, I only spoke up today for the first time in the chatroom, having been too embarassed (and still drinking) previously. I spoke to a few people in the chatroom earlier today, and I was heartened at how understanding and supportive they were. I was hoping to speak to someone in there now - I found chatting in there and browsing this forum helpful and a distraction, but it has been empty for some time, so I've decided to write this introduction to say hello to you all. I apologise if my writing is a bit scattered, or if I ramble, but my hands are quite shaky and my mind a bit all over the place.
I've been drinking fairly steadily on most weekends when I'd go out with friends, since I was around 20, often drinking more than them. Usually they would stop the next day, whilst I would sometimes keep going. Over the years, the going out on a Friday and having a few drinks on the Saturday increased and spilled over to drinking throughout the Sunday. Throughout most of this time I've been employed. At the beginning of December of last year however, mine and a few other positions were made redundant in the company I worked at, and I was retrenched from my job. I don't use this (or any other bad things which have happened) as an excuse, it merely provided me with more 'time and opportunity' to drink. I would begin drinking maybe a bottle of wine, or a six pack of beer every day from there on.
I live with my family, having purchased a house together as an investment with them when I was 23. I would be able to hide this initial drinking quite easily, sneaking the booze into my bedroom, and drinking alone. At the beginning of January however, they went on a week-long holiday, and at that point I descended into the worst binge of my life. Up until yesterday, I had been drinking heavily every day, throughout the weeks progressing from 2 bottles of wine/day, to a 700ml bottle of vodka or bourbon (often straight), to a 1.125 litre bottle. Today is the first day I haven't drunk in over 2 months.
By the way, I do understand the dangers of withdrawal, having read up heavily on it, and having spoken to several members today. I am monitoring my progress - I promise to call for help should things become unmanageable.
There are so many things I am embarassed and ashamed of, I'm almost loathe to look at myself in the mirror, and some distant better part of me that once existed can't believe I've let it come this far. It brings tears to my eyes even as I type. Drinking in the manner I have been has increased the solitude - of course there have been excuses to avoid social engagements, and sports which I used to play weekly, and until today, I felt so alone. Reading through the forums and the experiences shared here however, revealed that I wasn't - in my own selfish way I felt some relief that there were many others going through the same thing as I. Some experiences include:
1. Stealing a bottle of wine that was given to my brother as a gift. After admitting to him that I had drunk it, and promising him to buy him a replacement, I did - I purchased him a replacement 5 times because I just kept re-drinking it.
2. I went on a holiday with my family a few weeks ago (this second holiday, I joined them on). Throughout it I would go out to eat lunch daily, along with a jug or two of beer. One evening we went to dinner at an RSL (A large club full of pokies, restaurants, and live music, for the people reading in The States). I had forgotten however, that if one isn't a member of an RSL, they must sign in as a guest. When it dawned on me (the lady behind the counter handing me a pen), I almost had a panic attack. Frozen, and almost running out of there, I waited until my family had signed in and walked away, before I 'signed in'. My hands were shaking so badly and I was so nervous, the scrawl was barely legible. I wanted to sink and disappear through the floor.
3. Lying to family, saying I had job interviews in the city, just to keep them off my back and for an opportunity to go buy more booze.
4. Walking through an alcohol store, I had to look for a bottle of wine that cost exactly $20, because that's the only note I had in my wallet, and I wouldn't be able to handle the shakiness if the clerk had to give me change. I chose the wine bottle, because it was the only thing I was able to physically wrap my hand around (I had wanted a 6 pack of beer but was unable to pick one up).
And so many more... Part of me is almost tempted to delete everything I've typed and curl up in bed. Typing has helped, though I apologise for the long-windedness of this post.
It's half past seven in the evening now, and I've almost made it through my first day. I'm committed to this, and thank you all for the SR website and forum - it may very well save my life. I hope to one day return the favour to others.
17th Feb, and counting
Regards,
Sebastian.
My name is Sebastian. I'm a 30 year old guy, and I have a problem with alcohol. Today is my 'first day'. Despite actually joining Sober Recovery a week or two ago, I only spoke up today for the first time in the chatroom, having been too embarassed (and still drinking) previously. I spoke to a few people in the chatroom earlier today, and I was heartened at how understanding and supportive they were. I was hoping to speak to someone in there now - I found chatting in there and browsing this forum helpful and a distraction, but it has been empty for some time, so I've decided to write this introduction to say hello to you all. I apologise if my writing is a bit scattered, or if I ramble, but my hands are quite shaky and my mind a bit all over the place.
I've been drinking fairly steadily on most weekends when I'd go out with friends, since I was around 20, often drinking more than them. Usually they would stop the next day, whilst I would sometimes keep going. Over the years, the going out on a Friday and having a few drinks on the Saturday increased and spilled over to drinking throughout the Sunday. Throughout most of this time I've been employed. At the beginning of December of last year however, mine and a few other positions were made redundant in the company I worked at, and I was retrenched from my job. I don't use this (or any other bad things which have happened) as an excuse, it merely provided me with more 'time and opportunity' to drink. I would begin drinking maybe a bottle of wine, or a six pack of beer every day from there on.
I live with my family, having purchased a house together as an investment with them when I was 23. I would be able to hide this initial drinking quite easily, sneaking the booze into my bedroom, and drinking alone. At the beginning of January however, they went on a week-long holiday, and at that point I descended into the worst binge of my life. Up until yesterday, I had been drinking heavily every day, throughout the weeks progressing from 2 bottles of wine/day, to a 700ml bottle of vodka or bourbon (often straight), to a 1.125 litre bottle. Today is the first day I haven't drunk in over 2 months.
By the way, I do understand the dangers of withdrawal, having read up heavily on it, and having spoken to several members today. I am monitoring my progress - I promise to call for help should things become unmanageable.
There are so many things I am embarassed and ashamed of, I'm almost loathe to look at myself in the mirror, and some distant better part of me that once existed can't believe I've let it come this far. It brings tears to my eyes even as I type. Drinking in the manner I have been has increased the solitude - of course there have been excuses to avoid social engagements, and sports which I used to play weekly, and until today, I felt so alone. Reading through the forums and the experiences shared here however, revealed that I wasn't - in my own selfish way I felt some relief that there were many others going through the same thing as I. Some experiences include:
1. Stealing a bottle of wine that was given to my brother as a gift. After admitting to him that I had drunk it, and promising him to buy him a replacement, I did - I purchased him a replacement 5 times because I just kept re-drinking it.
2. I went on a holiday with my family a few weeks ago (this second holiday, I joined them on). Throughout it I would go out to eat lunch daily, along with a jug or two of beer. One evening we went to dinner at an RSL (A large club full of pokies, restaurants, and live music, for the people reading in The States). I had forgotten however, that if one isn't a member of an RSL, they must sign in as a guest. When it dawned on me (the lady behind the counter handing me a pen), I almost had a panic attack. Frozen, and almost running out of there, I waited until my family had signed in and walked away, before I 'signed in'. My hands were shaking so badly and I was so nervous, the scrawl was barely legible. I wanted to sink and disappear through the floor.
3. Lying to family, saying I had job interviews in the city, just to keep them off my back and for an opportunity to go buy more booze.
4. Walking through an alcohol store, I had to look for a bottle of wine that cost exactly $20, because that's the only note I had in my wallet, and I wouldn't be able to handle the shakiness if the clerk had to give me change. I chose the wine bottle, because it was the only thing I was able to physically wrap my hand around (I had wanted a 6 pack of beer but was unable to pick one up).
And so many more... Part of me is almost tempted to delete everything I've typed and curl up in bed. Typing has helped, though I apologise for the long-windedness of this post.
It's half past seven in the evening now, and I've almost made it through my first day. I'm committed to this, and thank you all for the SR website and forum - it may very well save my life. I hope to one day return the favour to others.
17th Feb, and counting
Regards,
Sebastian.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: NJ
Posts: 7
Hi Sebastian!
You shouldn't apologize for the "long-windedness" of your post... I really like the details and hearing about other people's personal experiences... I got nervous posting my first post too... I don't even want to get into some of the horrible situations I've gotten myself into because I had to have just one last drink (that always put me over the edge)
I get what you mean about feeling selfish... in regards to other people having similar problems... you don't want anyone to have to struggle.. but it's nice to know you're not alone.
You're only 30 years old... I know lots of guys your age (and mine, I'm 25 so we're close in age) that drink a lot and don't have any intentions of slowing down despite sometimes getting themselves into trouble...
I didn't know there was a chat room here... I'll have to check it out. I like that this forum seems active.
You shouldn't apologize for the "long-windedness" of your post... I really like the details and hearing about other people's personal experiences... I got nervous posting my first post too... I don't even want to get into some of the horrible situations I've gotten myself into because I had to have just one last drink (that always put me over the edge)
I get what you mean about feeling selfish... in regards to other people having similar problems... you don't want anyone to have to struggle.. but it's nice to know you're not alone.
You're only 30 years old... I know lots of guys your age (and mine, I'm 25 so we're close in age) that drink a lot and don't have any intentions of slowing down despite sometimes getting themselves into trouble...
I didn't know there was a chat room here... I'll have to check it out. I like that this forum seems active.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: England
Posts: 808
As for the age thing, I'm 28 and for a long time I thought I was 'Too young' to be starting my sobriety, but as time went on and the more I read from others the more I felt grateful that I had this opportunity. Many people don't realise until it's almost too late.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Edmonton, Alberta.
Posts: 398
Superb post Sebastian.
I was 21 when I first admitted that I was an alcoholic. Took me 17 years to actually stop. How I wish I had known about SR a few years earlier.
Everyone here understands and will be grateful to you for such an honest post. Keep ém coming!
Max
I was 21 when I first admitted that I was an alcoholic. Took me 17 years to actually stop. How I wish I had known about SR a few years earlier.
Everyone here understands and will be grateful to you for such an honest post. Keep ém coming!
Max
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
Try not to use your age as a reason to continue. All I will say is that it only gets worse. Think of nice young women you might meet. Your style of drinking will run them off. Drinking like you do is destructive in many, many ways.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 68
Thanks everyone for making me feel so welcome. I definitely feel as if I've made the right choice, and am so relieved I found this place, though I realise I have a challenging road ahead of me.
LonelyShadow, my plan is largely self-reliant, which I realise sounds doubtful. I have some tools though, and used them today to ensure I didn't walk to the bottle shop, despite having the opportunity to do so. Something snapped in me, I guess - "Enough!"
Beyond that, one thing I started to do in my lowest of times when drunk in recent days was to open Microsoft Word and type my thoughts in those moments, when it stopped being 'fun' or 'enjoyable'. I may share them here some time, but it is the saddest thing I've ever read, and reading those thoughts and almost reliving them never fails to bring me to tears. Today at least, it snapped me right out of wanting to drink.
You're absolutely right Melinda, that's also strong motivation
In fact some of those thoughts I wrote revolved around losing relationships, and the opportunity to have another one.
Also, reading this forum and being in the chat room helped me today, I expect I'll be spending many hours here in the coming days, heh.
LonelyShadow, my plan is largely self-reliant, which I realise sounds doubtful. I have some tools though, and used them today to ensure I didn't walk to the bottle shop, despite having the opportunity to do so. Something snapped in me, I guess - "Enough!"
Beyond that, one thing I started to do in my lowest of times when drunk in recent days was to open Microsoft Word and type my thoughts in those moments, when it stopped being 'fun' or 'enjoyable'. I may share them here some time, but it is the saddest thing I've ever read, and reading those thoughts and almost reliving them never fails to bring me to tears. Today at least, it snapped me right out of wanting to drink.
You're absolutely right Melinda, that's also strong motivation
In fact some of those thoughts I wrote revolved around losing relationships, and the opportunity to have another one.Also, reading this forum and being in the chat room helped me today, I expect I'll be spending many hours here in the coming days, heh.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Wales
Posts: 497
Hey welcome and lovely to meet you. I agree that when I found this place I was shocked but so relieved that people actually seemed to 'get it'. The reason for that though is because we have all been there too and are still working at it. Makes it seem that bit less
isolating :-). keep posting and don't worry if it's long winded, sometimes u have to get it out and there's no better place to do that. Good luck, you can do it xx
isolating :-). keep posting and don't worry if it's long winded, sometimes u have to get it out and there's no better place to do that. Good luck, you can do it xx
New Life Sober
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Noblesville, IN
Posts: 777
Welcome Sabastian, diffently will like it here, it has help me since i been on here. Lots of stuff for you to read and look around. It also helps me post my poems on my blog i made here, Pretty dark and complex but so is all the anxiety have inside.. I have to get out some how..
"Keep travel your way to the sober life and you will feel better"
"Keep travel your way to the sober life and you will feel better"
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