noleafclover

People could say that I am relatively successful in life, which might be true. I am also a workaholic.

I am a coward though, I am under the constant mental abuse by my wife, and other people.

I am not perfect, far from it, but there is only so much I can do. I love my kids an try my best to take care of them, besides being the only provider for the family. I just need my freedom, which I don't have at the moment.

I am an alcoholic, and I drink to feel empowered and to feel "in control", which is funny because I am not in control of alcohol, but I am in control of that moment that I am drunk. Part of the "me" that never has control is out then, and I am "safe" for a moment.

I am never aggressive despite that, I am usually avoiding conflict even while drunk, and I get caught often, which makes my spouse have even more control over me.

I want to be a good guy, but I feel desperate. I want to be free, I want to meet my friends every now and then (even for a glass of water, it don't matter).

I tried pro help but it's all the same crap, I am way too submissive to get help. They always try to wrestle their upper hand on me and I admit, admit that I have a problem, even though sometimes I think the problem is not necessarily alcohol but my damn personality and the fact that I am broken and too much a COWARD to confront anyone...

I am a good guy, no, a bad guy, damn, I don't even know anymore... I just love my kids, that's all there is to it...

SDH73

Welcome, Clover. Stick around, you'll find lots of support here.

SoberLeigh

Welcome, noleafclover, to SR. Lots of support here.

Posting here was very courageous, by the way.

Glad you found us.

Gilmer

Noleafclover.

JadedGirl

Hey I recognise that confusion and uncertainty in your post and also the one obvious certainty which is you love your kids hugely!! You've found a great place here. Keep posting and if you do it for anyone as well as yourself do it for them :-) xx

advbike

You're not a coward. Stop labeling yourself like that. Everyone has fear. Some of us more than others, often from a dysfunctional childhood or life situations. I drank for similar reasons.

Tell us more of your story, or visit the Friends and Family section, where there are others with dysfunctional family relationships. No one should have to put up with emotional abuse.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Clover

I had no idea which way was up when I was drinking...on the one hand I had very low self esteem yet on the other I resented people for lording over me and besting me...

A little sober time really helped work wonders with my perspective

None of us here are perfect but we;re not bad people or cowards either...we;re just dealing with a medical condition called addiction.

We call it recovery cos we get better

D

Esspee

Welcome to SR.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Noleafclover!!

IAmThornwell

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way, noleaf. It sounds like you're in a tough position and it's obvious that you love your children. There's a book out there called The Emotionally Destructive Relationship from Leslie Vernick which I think may be helpful to you. Hang in there.

-ICanSpellThornwell-

Jupiters

welcome clover
you have found the right place. Hang around!

OnMyWay7

Welcome. I thought I used alcohol to "cope" with a not too happy family life. Once I got a few weeks of sober time I realized I was using it as an excuse. I have way more of a voice now that I'm not drinking.

Glad you came and posted

SoberLeigh

Welcome, IAnThronwell, to SR; glad you found us.

JoeCree

This is a very important statement, not just to realize but to understand too. I am not a submissive person by nature, in ways I am probably the complete opposite of you in regards to my own relationship - BUT, the only time my wife ever had "power" over me is when she knew I was drinking. It was like a free ticket to say whatever they may think, and there would be nothing you could do to counteract it, because at the end of the day - You were/are drunk, so anything you say can and will be used AGAINST you in the court of marriage.. lol

This was a huge benefit that I never anticipated when I stopped recently. It's incredible that even though I feel I haven't really changed, the little things that used to get prodded with have gone away! Like a huge bonus on top of the weight loss, and money savings..

Soberwolf

Welcome Noleafclover & Iamthornwell youl both find tons of support here at SR

Anna

Welcome, Clover!

You can change your life and we're here to support here.

Verte

Hi noleaf...welcome here! One of the immediate side effects of stopping drinking for me was a slow and consistent increase in self-respect. I started to see patterns of communication more clearly. Slowly. A periodic "No" let people around me know that I was listening and seeing things. Slowly. Again, welcome.