Megadebth

Hey guys!

I'm new here and wanted to introduce myself and get your opinion about my situation.

Drinking backround:

I never thought I had a problem with alcohol. There is some history of alcoholism in my family since my grandfather is a recovering alcoholic and ever since I was a kid he has made damn sure that I never drink alcohol since we are fairly close. Ofcourse me and my brother (he drink very little nowadays and HATES drunks) have always had to lie about our ''sobriety'' since we experimented with alcohol. My experiences with drinking were somewhat typical (getting drunk about once a month on social occasions and the focus was never alcohol) up until I moved away from my hometown a year and a half ago and started University at age 20.

After about a week of living in a strange new town I noticed that I was completely incapable to relax while alone. Difficulty relaxing was nothing new to me since I've been suffering with an anxiety disorder and depression for years. This however was a completely new type of discomfort. Most likely to be caused by simply being in a new town and the loneliness it brought on.

Of course when you're on your first week of University there are a lot of parties to go to and new people to meet. But since at the time my focus was in working out (I had gotten pretty ripped the summer before) and strict nutrition, I only went to one of them instead of five and thought nothing of it.
Although I had met some new people and got friends (making friends has always been easy for me) I still just wanted to spend time alone. During the third week I got sick of feeling the discomfort everytime I was alone and so I remember thinking what I could do about it.

Then it suddenly hit me: ALCOHOL was the answer! Of course, how could've I been so blind?

I realized that if I drank whiskey every night I wouldn't feel anxious every night (flawless logic, wouldn't you say?). And so I did.

I should point out that I have OCD and so I always have to know in advance what I'm going to do the next day and I follow this ''plan'' very compulsivly. So right off the bat alcohol came a part of my daily routine and from the first time I drank alone I started to study about alcoholism and a little while into the future was conviced I had a problem. However I would try to go back home as often as possible on weekends to stay at my brother's rather than stay at home. Every time I was back in my hometown, the need to calm myself with a drink never occured. So this was basically my first year studying away from home. BTW my schoolwork suffered pretty bad that year ( a mix of booze and lack of motivation).

During the summer I went to my friends cabin with my friends to celebrate a summer holiday. I had two bottles of whiskey and about two 24-packs of beer with me. For 3 days of drinking. So I was planning to stay drunk the entire time we were there and so I did (I'm very persistent that way, hehe). Even there I managed to spend a lot of time in solitary, eventhough I'm usually ''the life of the party''. On the day we were supposed to leave, I woke up with clear withrawal symptoms (shaking hands, nausea, tremors, sweating) and instantly decided to take swig out the bottle of Gin next to me. Well.... The last thing I remember was crying while hugging my friend and then waking up at my friends place feeling like a train had run over me and a demon was slowling sucking the life from me. So, you know... pretty bad.

In the morning my friends had staged an intervention initiated by my brother who was also there (the one who hates drunks). They were concerned I wasn't acting like myself and wondered if I was allright. Very loving ofcourse, although I saw it as a threat to my drinking habits. He also informed my grandfather (recovering alkie) of this, who basically tore my head off and MADE me vow never to drink again. And so I did. The lying had begun.

I had another drinking bender later that summer when my folks were out of town. Waking up after a long party night, I felt like **** and decided to stay drunk. This lasted 6 days. I woke up to the sight of my grandparents standing before me while lying on the bed covered in bottles of wine and my on drool. We'll... as you can imagine, they weren't happy. They took me to their place to sober up and once I was sober enough my grandfather began shouting his lungs out declaring me an alcoholic. I wasn't allowed to spend nights by myself for the rest of the summer.

When I returned to University the next fall, I had begun a new relationship with
someone who I initially thought to be my soulmate (turns out she had sociopathic and narcissistic personality traits). She drank a lot and being the gullible sensitive idiot I am, drank too (not that she really needed to persuade me) and ofcourse ended up paying for every f#ucking drink she had during our relationship. Had to borrow money from friends and pretty much spent it on booze and smokes. I had a few drinking benders (lasted about 4 on average) during our relationship (this had a pretty severe impact on our relationship). I also began going to therapy this semester to get some insight into my thinking.

During last new year's eve party I got really really drunk with the same friends who were worried about my the previous summer. I wound up going to the sauna and downing almost an entire bottle of whiskey, then proceeding to head upstairs and passing out naked on the floor infront of everyone. I woke up panicing and sweaty, and grabbed a drink, went downstairs and passed out for a few hours. Afterwards I went to my folks and straight to bed. When I woke up I was shaking, sweaty, anxious, scared. I went to the liquor cabinet and drank cherry. After that I wanted more and went to the liqour store to buy bourbon. I stayed drunk for 2 days after that. I woke up when my mom grabbed a bottle from under my bed and was yelling on the phone. It was my grandparents on the other line. My brother came to pick me up and drove me there, AGAIN, to sober up. While there I got the alcoholic speech again and they wanted me to see a doctor who specialized in treating patients suffering from addiction. And so I did. The doctor was amazing, he explained alcohol and it's relation to mental health to me and suggested I would stay dry for 6 months with check-ups every 2 months. I was totally on board.

After that I relapsed from my plan after 14 days of sobriety. I was again found by my grandparents who 'suddenly' decided to visit. My grandparents included my father (an M.D) and my mother to the intervention posse. And so once again, I vowed to stop (I really had no such intentions). They basically called me 5 times a day to check if i was drunk. And again, after 14 days I relapsed (found by my grandmother after I had told my mother I was going to kill myself eventhough I would never do that). I had really severe detox symptoms. I was convinced I was going to die and I for the first time ever, I actually meant it when I said I was never going to drink again and told it to everone in my family. This idea didin't last very long.

I've been sober now for 7 days. Only now do I realize that I really don't want to quit. Or maybe I do, but it somehow feels like I'd be doing it just for my family. I haven't made any concious descisions to give up alcohol, but I know I can't drink now. I'm taking it one day at a time. I feel like I haven't experienced enough since I've only been drinking heavily for a year. I keep thinking I can moderate because I feel very different while in my hometown (no desire to drink) than I do away (the booze calls out to me). I'm still not conviced about my alcoholism (do I have a drinking problem? Hell to the yeah!) and still believe it's part of my routine while away from home.

What do you guys think, should I stop? Am I just too scared to stop?

ScottFromWI

Thanks for sharing your story Megadebth. Only you can truly decide if you have a problem with drinking, but there are a TON of red flags in your post. Much of the drinking behavior you describe ( planning to stay drunk entire weekends, drinking massive quantities, drinking to escape, drinking in secret, passing/blacking out ) is very typical of an alcoholic and it should be of major concern to you. it is NOT normal.

You may be scared to stop - most of us were. But for me, not stopping and where I would eventuallly end up ( probably dead ) was even scarier.

Good luck in making your decision, there's lots of info and support to be found here.

Soberwolf

Nice to meet you welcome

I think its a good time to stop youl find support here

Jen73

Howdy Megadebth, Like the above poster, you have to decide for yourself, noone can!

I will tell you something though, This forum will help you through rough times, and you are not alone in this, we all had our times too.

I have choosen to quit, it was time for me to say enough is enough. I made a blog on here and wrote wat was on my mind. My writting is pretty dark and depressed but, i writ what i feel deep inside.

Anyways, good luck on your journey if you choose to quit or not!! This forum will be here 24/7...

I love this place, its my cozy comfy cyberworld place

Nowsthetime

Read a lot and post when you need to. Use us as support. I feel you know the answer to your question. Welcome!!!

Shays Mum

Hi megadebth and welcome. As others have said, only you can make the decision. It can't ( or shouldn't be for family although its a bonus ) there are a lot of red flags in your excellent share. Things that ring true to my situation and I'm definitely alcoholic. I am also new to this site and 8 days sober. The support here is amazing and as its been mentioned, 24/7. I wish you all the very best and I personally think it is time to stop. It's never easy and I've lost count of the detox/rehabs I've done. AA is also a great support and a way to meet some amazing people with loads of sobriety. Good Luck

fini

Should I Stop Before I Loose Control Completely?

Mega,

how does this sound:
No, of course you shouldn't stop before you lose control completely!!
it's always best to go all the way until you're a complete and utter wreck!

you see? the answer is in your question, really.

Dee74

Some good advice here megadeath

I can only add I wish I'd stopped in my 20s instead of my 40s.

Glad to have you with us
D

Della1968

Stop now...do not pass go do not collect $200. It will only get worse and frankly it sounds like it's already pretty bad. I wish I had stopped when I first became aware I have a problem.

Deckard

Hi Mega,

It sounds like you anticipated getting one thing from drinking, but ended up with quite another.

Your story reminded me of something posted here by another member a while back which I found quite illuminating:

"We drank for happiness and became unhappy.
We drank for joy and became miserable.
We drank for sociability and became argumentative.
We drank for sophistication and became obnoxious.
We drank for friendship and made enemies.
We drank for sleep and awakened without rest.
We drank medicinally and acquired health problems.
We drank for relaxation and got the shakes.
We drank for bravery and became afraid.
We drank for confidence and became doubtful.
We drank to make our conversation easier and we slurred our speech.
We drank to feel heavenly and ended up feeling like hell.
We drank to forget and were forever haunted.
We drank for freedom and became slaves.
We drank to erase problems and saw them multiply.
We drank to cope with life and invited death."

If any of this sounds at all familiar to you, then yes, you should stop....

ChgoReason

Ask a fireman if one should smoke while pumping gas.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Megadebth!!

Longpasttime

To be honest, nothing i read in your story suggested a beginner or any sort of control. If it means anything to you, I absolutely think you should quit and give yourself the gift of many years. You are off to a great start with 7 sober days. Keep it going! Why wait till it gets worse and waste a ton of time? Like others, I wish I had figured it out in my 20s too. Good luck my friend and welcome!!

JadedGirl

Hey nice to meet you. Only you can decide if you have a drinking problem or if you're addicted though I think you already know the answer otherwise you wouldn't be here or having to ask those questions. (I think most people who know they have a healthy relationship with alcohol don't have to ask?).
The biggest thing that stood out to me is that you've repeatedly agreed to stop but this has always been at the request of family and you've always felt you're doing it for them. For a long time I was trying to moderate (really thought I could or maybe I was just too scared at the prospect of total abstinence as never believed it was possible) but always felt resentful towards family and friends for having to do it. I realise now that doing it for other people will never work. Sounds a cliche but it really is true that you have to do it for yourself otherwise you will always cheat. A huge reason I'm doing this is for my daughter but it's still because I want to do it for her, not because I'm being told I should.
We all have underlying reasons for drinking and like you mine was anxiety, loneliness, the usual. You will always end up needing more and more to block those feelings out and how far will it have to go before you decide it's time to stop? You've done amazing at texting to 7 days!! Maybe try and weigh up the reasons for and against quitting. I did this and actually had a much longer list for keeping drinking BUT all the reasons for continuing were kinda superficial where's altho shorter the list for quitting were more meaningful.
Hopefully you will decide to continue with this but if not still stick around, do some thinking and there will be lots of support for you if and when you decide the time is right (and in the meantime) xx

DoubleDragons

My mother is in the final stages of alcoholism. She is a ghost of herself. At 16 months sober and being the sad witness to this, I thank my lucky stars every day that something inside of me made me want to quit, while I still had some semblance of control and was still authentically myself.