My Partner and his Cocaine Use / Or am I selfish?
 

I've been with my partner for over 6 years. I was aware of his occasional cocaine use when we got together, I rarely saw him take cocaine but I was aware that he occasionally liked to use, and that his 20's was full of all kinds of drug use.

I naively expected that as he was 32 at the time of getting together, and due to his comments at the time of getting together that he was ready to put his 20's behind him and take on a proper relationship that things would work out and we'd live happily ever after.

As it turns out relationships are difficult enough without throwing in regular drug use in to the equation.

We do both regularly smoke weed on the evenings, but when his cocaine use is dramatically reduced I find the relationship with weed use; a good relationship with communication, respect, love, honesty and sex.

But the future is creeping up on us, and he doesn't ever seem to think about it (unless we are in a period of cocaine use free) for example he will spend his dispensable income on cocaine, and tell me that it is his right to do what he wants with his money after a long week at work - how can I argue this - he does work hard - it is his money - the bills are all paid and food is on the table...

..But he went to sleep at 9pm on my Birthday after providing a present and thinking he had done enough to keep me happy on my birthday... I wanted a card, a kiss, a I love you and a conversation rather than laying next to the man I love whilst he slept through, looking at the shiny earrings I knew that I needed more from my life partner than material gifts.

He felt he was ok to spend his remaining cash on cocaine after telling me he couldn't afford the meal out he had promised; after telling me couldn't afford to come away for the weekend to a friends, after telling me he couldn't afford to take time off work to come to my parents party. The number of let downs is ever-growing.

I have mentioned it to him but I'm told that I'm selfish, that I moan all the time.

He is not very forthcoming with telling or showing how he feels and we still live apart, he's still yet to accept an invitation to meet my family, sex is near none existent and he's only told me once he loves me and he wont even reply/ respond when I make an effort to tell him that I care/love for him.

Which of course I do love him, dearly. I don't know if walking away is an option...

Alone, Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here.

I was in a long term relationship with an addict. I did not know until we were "together". He never changed. He never saw past his use and I went along for the ride until my own addictions matured and stood on their own.

I knew back then and allowed myself to continue with the idea I was being fulfilled when in fact I was not.

You seem to know you are not now and can articulate it very clearly. Why not listen what what you know already and make the tough choices now.

Once you are a pickle you cannot be a cucumber. He will be who he is and putting something like cocaine use "behind" him may not be possible.

Best of luck to you!

Long term cocaine use will change a persons brain so that after a while they literally are unable to properly interpret another human beings emotions. It's like they lose all ability to empathize. May as well forget about a sex life as well. I was always more of a drinker but I dabbled with coke. I've know a few coke heads. They are an interesting bread. Can be nearly impossible to have a conversation with.

Thank you for you advice so far.

It is very difficult being involved with a user. I know inside my own being the correct avenues to pursue for my own needs in life, and those avenues currently have no room for the user.

But this appears to be a very selfish outlook on the situation and perhaps he is right when he suggest I am selfish.

I'm stuck between attempting to change the user to fit my own ideologies for life or leaving the user behind.

I've never stood up and given an ultimatum as it is far from my beliefs of allowing each other to simple be, I wonder how others have faired with offering ultimatums to their loved ones?

I come from an upbringing of which addicts surrounded; a parent and a sibling. Do I unconsciously like to be involved with a user?!

You won't be able to change a user. You need to do what's best for yourself. Trying to change an addict will only bring you pain and disappointment.

I never liked coke. Even in my worst partying days. I avoided the people who got into it. I hated being around people doing it. Good luck with whatever path you choose.

The use of cocaine does certainly carry it's own demons... At it's worst the demons turn the user in to a separate entity from the world, a false sense that they are superior to everything and everyone around them; providing the user with a great Ego which is overpowering, vulgar even.. certainly not the person I am in love with.

The eyes change and you can see the Ego has taken over.

I love his eyes like my own; until they change.

Of course it is an option.

Such great insight. You got it!

I have said that when I did crack...that it was like my essance stood next to me only visible in the wafts of smoke rising above my head. We are not who we were born when we use any drug.