Darlin', I don't know why I go to extremes.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Darlin', I don't know why I go to extremes.
Something happened at midnight this past New Years Eve.
And I knew when the clock struck 12:00 am, and the balloons dropped, and I was a good 3 bottles of Chardonnay into the evening, that my life was about to change. Radically. Profoundly. And forever.
It was a warning. A before and after moment, if you will.
There was no thunderclap, or lightening, or parting of any sea, or spiritual pomp and circumstance of any sort. I just knew, intuitively, I could feel it in my bones, this year was going to be a roll-up-your-sleeves-and-get-to-work-bitch kinda year.
And, oh, oh wow, how it's proving to be right.
Fortunately, for me, my liver and my pancreas, I havent been one lately to drink while under duress. The damage control is too great to try to manage now after a binge. And when everyone is looking at you to fix the problems, of which seem to endlessly keep coming, there isn't much room for trying to hide the shakes. And the withdrawals that make the next FIVE days now, just about competely unbearable. It used to be just the day after. Then 3 days after.
But, alas, I have hit another alcoholic milestone. You know, those ones that sneak up on you, and demand your attention, because there's no ignoring the pain. This time it was right sided, liver inflamed gnawing kind of pain? Yes, that was a new one for me. The old gray mare just ain't what she used to be.
So I have been sober, again, for six weeks.
Since that clock struck midnight, life has taken a very interesting turn.
Deaths, illnesses, more family addiction, the hits just keep coming. And with every jab at me, I almost laugh a little.
Kinda like Capt. Dan in Forest Gump, when he's up on the mast of his ship, during what appears to be an apocalyptic storm on the sea, and he meets his maker and yells "Come on !!! Is this best you got God ?".
This year, I will be saying farewell to a some of my most precious people. My best friend is dying of cancer, my husbands grandmother who I was extremely close to just passed, my daughter will be leaving for university in August, and my husband is addicted to narcotics. These are my tribe. My confidants. Who I lean on.
But I was warned.
So now, I get to dig my heels in, pull up my big girl panties, and get moving. Time waits for no one. Yet alone me.
I'm thinking I might head back to therapy for a bit. Get a tune up. Maybe even hit the rooms. I'm in the market for some new BFfs and A.A. Offers almost instant friends, just add water.
If you are the praying kind, throw one up for me, K ?
I'll take all the help I can get.
Thanks for listening.
And I knew when the clock struck 12:00 am, and the balloons dropped, and I was a good 3 bottles of Chardonnay into the evening, that my life was about to change. Radically. Profoundly. And forever.
It was a warning. A before and after moment, if you will.
There was no thunderclap, or lightening, or parting of any sea, or spiritual pomp and circumstance of any sort. I just knew, intuitively, I could feel it in my bones, this year was going to be a roll-up-your-sleeves-and-get-to-work-bitch kinda year.
And, oh, oh wow, how it's proving to be right.
Fortunately, for me, my liver and my pancreas, I havent been one lately to drink while under duress. The damage control is too great to try to manage now after a binge. And when everyone is looking at you to fix the problems, of which seem to endlessly keep coming, there isn't much room for trying to hide the shakes. And the withdrawals that make the next FIVE days now, just about competely unbearable. It used to be just the day after. Then 3 days after.
But, alas, I have hit another alcoholic milestone. You know, those ones that sneak up on you, and demand your attention, because there's no ignoring the pain. This time it was right sided, liver inflamed gnawing kind of pain? Yes, that was a new one for me. The old gray mare just ain't what she used to be.
So I have been sober, again, for six weeks.
Since that clock struck midnight, life has taken a very interesting turn.
Deaths, illnesses, more family addiction, the hits just keep coming. And with every jab at me, I almost laugh a little.
Kinda like Capt. Dan in Forest Gump, when he's up on the mast of his ship, during what appears to be an apocalyptic storm on the sea, and he meets his maker and yells "Come on !!! Is this best you got God ?".
This year, I will be saying farewell to a some of my most precious people. My best friend is dying of cancer, my husbands grandmother who I was extremely close to just passed, my daughter will be leaving for university in August, and my husband is addicted to narcotics. These are my tribe. My confidants. Who I lean on.
But I was warned.
So now, I get to dig my heels in, pull up my big girl panties, and get moving. Time waits for no one. Yet alone me.
I'm thinking I might head back to therapy for a bit. Get a tune up. Maybe even hit the rooms. I'm in the market for some new BFfs and A.A. Offers almost instant friends, just add water.
If you are the praying kind, throw one up for me, K ?
I'll take all the help I can get.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I love that scene with Captain Dan. . .but the culmination of that scene is the aftermath of the storm - the nets are loaded with shrimp, and Captain Dan takes a swim in the calm and embracing sea. Everything changed for Captain Dan that day.
A prayer is sent up for you, AO. Rage at God. He is there to hold you.
Anyone can take the helm when the seas are calm.
A prayer is sent up for you, AO. Rage at God. He is there to hold you.
Anyone can take the helm when the seas are calm.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,870
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
I love that scene with Captain Dan. . .but the culmination of that scene is the aftermath of the storm - the nets are loaded with shrimp, and Captain Dan takes a swim in the calm and embracing sea. Everything changed for Captain Dan that day.
A prayer is sent up for you, AO. Rage at God. He is there to hold you.
Anyone can take the helm when the seas are calm.
A prayer is sent up for you, AO. Rage at God. He is there to hold you.
Anyone can take the helm when the seas are calm.
We are here to hold you, too, AO, with earthly arms and hearts.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Congrats on 6 weeks AO 
I don't think I've ever met anyone who found a good time to quit...when alcohol is your regular co-pilot and you lose that, odds are you'll hit some turbulence....
You're not alone tho- there a ton of support here - you can do this
D
I don't think I've ever met anyone who found a good time to quit...when alcohol is your regular co-pilot and you lose that, odds are you'll hit some turbulence....
You're not alone tho- there a ton of support here - you can do this
D
Will be more than happy to throw a few up there for you. You are part of us.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
6 weeks is wonderful....congratulations....
Ironically it feels so much better being sober when life is difficult.
I am not a believer in the cliché, 'You're only given as much as you can handle at any given time.'
or 'What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.'
I think we are giving many things that we can not handle, also we can be reduced to a broken representation of ourselves and definitely not stronger.
Alcohol has contributed to the latter in me many times.
When I was drinking, I felt like my coping ability was always in an inflamed state. Fragile, knife edged balanced.
I have a lot of hard stuff to deal with on a daily basis, real tough stuff and yet for the most part I am doing okay....
It is kinda like how I feel, nod and smile, albeit wide eyed and with a "wow".....
...the only plus I see in all this tough stuff is that it allows little time for any over analyzes or being overly introspection....
I feel I have unintentionally adopted the Serenity prayer, of accepting the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference as part of my everyday, along with a big chunk of hope.
That does not mean I don't need to get it out...
AO, this year my NY resolution was to learn to talk, debrief and share more..it is helping...
I like your plans for AA, therapists and any other means you have to talk over your stuff and challengers.
Take good care of yourself.
Ironically it feels so much better being sober when life is difficult.
I am not a believer in the cliché, 'You're only given as much as you can handle at any given time.'
or 'What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.'
I think we are giving many things that we can not handle, also we can be reduced to a broken representation of ourselves and definitely not stronger.
Alcohol has contributed to the latter in me many times.
When I was drinking, I felt like my coping ability was always in an inflamed state. Fragile, knife edged balanced.
I have a lot of hard stuff to deal with on a daily basis, real tough stuff and yet for the most part I am doing okay....
Deaths, illnesses, more family addiction, the hits just keep coming. And with every jab at me, I almost laugh a little.
...the only plus I see in all this tough stuff is that it allows little time for any over analyzes or being overly introspection....
I feel I have unintentionally adopted the Serenity prayer, of accepting the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference as part of my everyday, along with a big chunk of hope.
That does not mean I don't need to get it out...
AO, this year my NY resolution was to learn to talk, debrief and share more..it is helping...
I like your plans for AA, therapists and any other means you have to talk over your stuff and challengers.
Take good care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Sometimes there are just periods like that, AO -- with life and death and everything in between in a pile upon us. You are doing the right thing with introducing changes. I'm in a sort of similar phase myself in terms of wanting to try different things to push me forward with progress...
Sending good thoughts your way.
Sending good thoughts your way.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
AO, I love reading your posts. And I am really glad you are here with us. You are among those that draw me back to SR.
A few months into my recent sobriety, I started to look at the bad or scary things that I was facing. And instead of seeing those events as triggers for my drinking, I started to see them as reasons for me NOT to drink. I don't WANT to mask my sadness, or my fear, or my joy, with alcohol. I want to feel what I gotta feel. And if I have a problem to solve, I know that I will find a better solution if I am sober than if I am drunk. This change in perspective has been working well for me. Something to think about maybe.
Congratulations on reaching 6 weeks. I am pulling for you.
A few months into my recent sobriety, I started to look at the bad or scary things that I was facing. And instead of seeing those events as triggers for my drinking, I started to see them as reasons for me NOT to drink. I don't WANT to mask my sadness, or my fear, or my joy, with alcohol. I want to feel what I gotta feel. And if I have a problem to solve, I know that I will find a better solution if I am sober than if I am drunk. This change in perspective has been working well for me. Something to think about maybe.
Congratulations on reaching 6 weeks. I am pulling for you.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
F ING alcohol.
Don't tempt the fates. Or ask God if that's the best he's got. It isn't.
Did I say the hits keeps coming? I meant the sucker punches.
My mother drank last night. Martinis apparently. She is 82.
Security found her this morning laying on her kitchen floor. Her humorous is broken right in two. So as her only child, my life will, once again, revolve around her 24/7. Fortunately, she is no where near the demon she used to be. As a matter of fact, we are rather enjoying ourselves at the hospital. Laughing and crying together.
Thank God for pain meds.
And for my sobriety.
Did I say the hits keeps coming? I meant the sucker punches.
My mother drank last night. Martinis apparently. She is 82.
Security found her this morning laying on her kitchen floor. Her humorous is broken right in two. So as her only child, my life will, once again, revolve around her 24/7. Fortunately, she is no where near the demon she used to be. As a matter of fact, we are rather enjoying ourselves at the hospital. Laughing and crying together.
Thank God for pain meds.
And for my sobriety.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,896
I'm so sorry to hear about your mother, but I am so happy to hear about your sobriety!
I also meant to say that the title of your thread is one of my very favorite songs by Billy Joel!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xgjtm4_M20
I also meant to say that the title of your thread is one of my very favorite songs by Billy Joel!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xgjtm4_M20
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