brynn

Glad you're still here zen! I hear your resolve and I know permanent abstinence is what you truly desire. Will you recommit to your Big Plan?

Wholesome

Brynn I already have!! Double fold.

brynn

Way to go, zen!

Wastinglife

Zen, I could be a male version of you. I also hate how I behave when drunk. I flirt and talk to girls in bars even if a girlfriend is with me. I say stupid things and act like a total a**hole. Wake up the next morning and wonder about all the apologies I feel I need to make. Looks like we live in the same city so we've probably gotten ourselves in trouble at the same bars.

Start again. Be kind to yourself. We have a problem with alcohol that we didn't ask for!

SDH73

Aww, Zen. It was a bad decision, but I'm glad you realize that it WAS a decision. Chalk it up as a learning experience and get back to this business of sobriety.

Wholesome

This is how I felt yesterday.

Aellyce

Hi Zen, I'm sorry about all this. Yes it is hard to unlearn our old thinking/behaviors and change how we respond to our feelings and motivations. It sounds like you have learned from this relapse and did not let it go far, which is a good thing.

The way I like to view these kinds: we should try not to focus on what's wrong, what's ambiguous, what's missing... but on what new possibilities lie ahead of us in sobriety, what healthy new approaches we might enjoy and benefit from. Of course it's easier said than done... I've been going through somewhat similar feelings and thought processes lately in a different way in a bit more advanced stage of recovery (you can look up my recent thread if interested) that luckily does not involve my wanting to drink, but it's not easy in other ways. I think we addicts often have the tendency to focus on what's missing -- no surprise especially after removing something as powerful as alcohol. But this type of thought process does not usually lead to good and progressive solutions. Learning to think differently, react differently... it's a ton of work for everyone.

You probably learned a bit from what led to this drinking episode -- I would try to work around that and introduce something to target it.

I've also found in my own recovery that the Big Plan type of approach about drinking works best for me, it would simply stress the heck out of me trying to or having to reconsider that decision again and again with shorter term goals about it. I find that as time spent sober goes by, this decision is getting more and more reinforced, often simply by the virtue of having been able to maintain it. You should do what's most efficient for you. If it helps, even just transiently, maybe try to focus on the here and now every single day, and break down your commitment that way.

Wholesome

SDH73 yes I had had a big plan that I let myself down on. But I can and have recommited. This does not have to mean total defeat. I still had the 51 days before Friday and I do it again.

SDH73

No, I don't see it as total defeat. I only asked because as helpful as AVRT has been for me I never really made a Big Plan. In lieu of that, I just keep in my mind that "I don't drink". To my way of thinking it should, in theory, yield the same results without being encumbered by the idea of "forever and ever", which I find difficult in general. Not just in sobriety but in life.

I asked that question for my own curiosity, didn't mean to put you on the spot. I actually edited that question out of my post for that reason, but I guess I was too late. Glad you're back on track!

Anna

Zen, be kind to yourself.

I think what happened underscores the importance of finding things to do that bring you pleasure on a daily basis. For me, it's usually very simple things, but so very important.

PurpleKnight

You can do this Zenchaser!! Go at things again!!

martina12

Hi Zen I'm in the same boat! After 44 days I stupidly went to the pub on Friday night...felt really awful on Saturday and then went and bought wine to drink at home yesterday. I got totally maudlin and made a an absolute ass of myself by contacting my ex husband and getting totally out of order.

I was feeling so good about myself until this massive crash over the weekend and like you I'm looking at ways to get back on it and make changes. We can do this again...

Day one today again...

soberclover

I'm glad Zen you are reflecting on what happened and deciding what works for you and what doesn't. One thing I have learned for sure in my two years of sobriety is that this chicky does not belong in a bar. I loved bars too much. It isn't just the alcohol that is there, it is everything else like the vibe, the music, the people, the terrible decision makers, the slimy way everyone talks....I was drawn to it and it fed my alcoholism. Because of that, I have decided that I don't go to bars. Granted there may be a bar in a restaurant that I go to but I don't sit at the bar. I don't go to an establishment that has the pure purpose of selling alcohol. I live in a place where there are plenty of other music venues so I don't have to make that excuse "I'm going to listen to the music".

This barfly intentionally clipped her wings

ru12

Zen, imagine your sobriety as a journey. Sometimes it is down pleasant wooded lanes other times perilous mountain passes. If you slip and fall you don't go back to the beginning. You get back up, apply first aid if needed, and you keep on walking from where you left off. You haven't lost your time Zen. You are still a far piece down the road from where you began. But be careful, sometimes a slip can send you off a cliff.

Hereandnow2

Zen your post really helped me to realize I am no different than everyone else. There is no moderation. There will always be consequences and alcohol will always rob me of my family, my health and my self respect. Always.

Wholesome

I'm glad my post can help other people who have also faltered. It is not the end and I am not even remotely close to giving up. I really think it was helpful for me to be able to clearly see how negatively drinking affects me. When I was actively drinking I couldn't see it like I can after all the wonderful sober days I had. There is no going back to that hell and misery. I made a mistake that I have learned from. I'm not happy that I made it, in fact I'm very embarrassed but I no choice but to carry on and move forward.