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Old 02-13-2015, 06:42 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Sex and sobriety, a bit taboo but...


Both my wife and I are alcoholics. Heavy alcoholics, we were married on my 18th birthday to the day 16 years ago. Our sexual relationship has always been healthy and rewarding up until we both decided to get sober.

Now the relationship has changed. Things are different, its like the desire and the fulfillment involved with it has left. Her desire is just about nill, and when it does happen its contrived.

Is it normal for alcohol consumption or lack there of to dramatically affect your sexual relationship. Its like we've become two different people and though I love my wife, the spark sexually isn't there at the moment. I can tell that spark isn't there for her either, something is missing. However, how in the world could alcohol possibly effect that 'spark' as I put it.

Did anyone else notice sexual problems more less desire, not the same, different feelings after they quit. Its not talked about often because its taboo but I can't imagine I am all that unique. In sobriety this is one of the few things I really want to enjoy again.

Thanks for reading, share if you like....
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Old 02-13-2015, 06:45 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Not taboo... an interesting subject... I have been experiencing some of the same question....

Almost all of my relationships have revolved around some substance or another. I am sure a lot of people will say the sex is way better sober... But learning to date sober.... Break those edges and make things happen...

Completely awkward...

I am like a fish out of water these days...
Valentines day hammers that home...

What has been everyones experience?
How do you make the switch?
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Old 02-13-2015, 06:48 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I am curious about this too! I can't imagine getting comfortable with someone enough sober to even have sex!
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Old 02-13-2015, 06:51 PM   #4 (permalink)
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our emotions and physical self are still in the healing process. I'm sure some foods taste different too.
there have been quite a few discussions about this in the 'men's room' forum.

What you are experiencing is pretty normal. We have a lot of catching up to do as far as being "normal" again in many aspects of our being. Have patience.
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Old 02-13-2015, 06:53 PM   #5 (permalink)
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That a real challenge Della.... I think communication is a huge issue around that... If they share your long term goals or not.

I haven't had sex with anyone since I've been focused on my sobriety...
Oh wait... shhhhhh!

Apparently I need to visit the men's room from LBrains post.
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Old 02-13-2015, 06:56 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Well I don't think I can go in the men's room here but I have been known to do it at concerts when the women's were full
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Old 02-13-2015, 06:57 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Well I don't think I can go in the men's room here but I have been known to do it at concerts when the women's were full
lol
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Old 02-13-2015, 07:05 PM   #8 (permalink)
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So many people rely on alcohol during sex because they believe it lowers their inhibitions, allows them to be more adventurous and boosts their self esteem
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Old 02-13-2015, 07:14 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Here's the thing: Sober sex is about connection and love. Drunk sex was never about that. Pretty simple.
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Old 02-13-2015, 07:20 PM   #10 (permalink)
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My husband and I have been married 8 years, we were also 18, and since I've been working on getting sober, our sex life has changed as well, it went from nearly every day to maybe once a week or once every two weeks. :/
Not just on my end, he's been working a lot more at a very physically demanding job, and is often exhausted when he's home, but I'm not really up for it anyways.
I guess really, there are a lot of factors to consider, and to look at the big picture of things when it comes to a sexual relationship.
I thought maybe it was just me, that maybe I was putting so much effort mentally, physically and emotionally in sobriety that other things kinda were put on the back burner. I'm glad you posted about this.. its good to open the conversation airways and vent about it. I'm positive that we're not the only ones that have had this or a similar situation.
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Old 02-13-2015, 07:28 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Relationships can be in for a shakeup when either side makes a major lifestyle change. Quitting alcohol is definitely a major change. TDG...unless I'm mistaken, you have mentioned that there is quite a bit more going on between you and your wife than just the alcohol issue. Those could also be major factors that would affect your romantic/sex life.
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Old 02-13-2015, 07:34 PM   #12 (permalink)
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It's been the same for us but must admit that after 30 years together the intimacy is there but not the passion as when we were younger. Sometimes one trades things up but it is no less meaningful. I suspect it can be much easier for one in a loving relationship compared to strangers just meeting. It was a little different at first but once we once you get the hang of it again it is no better or less better than before.
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Old 02-13-2015, 08:23 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Well I don't think I can go in the men's room here but I have been known to do it at concerts when the women's were full
lmao
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Old 02-13-2015, 08:54 PM   #14 (permalink)
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To be perfectly honest I find sex with my boyfriend pretty boring now that I'm sober, but couldn't get enough of him while I was drinking
It's not just a lack of sex drive because I actually think about sex more since quitting alcohol
Hoping its just because it's early for me (1 month sober) so I'm interested that others have experienced such dramatic change too..
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Old 02-13-2015, 09:21 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I read up on this a while back.

So far as guys go, drinking drives up estrogen levels and our bodies respond with extra testosterone production to combat that.

Testosterone boosts sex drive.

With women, the extra estrogen drives the same thing.

When you get off the booze, hormones will lapse at first, as they have been artificially stimulated for years , and will hopefully rebalance over a year or two.
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Old 02-13-2015, 09:33 PM   #16 (permalink)
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I experienced this in early sobriety. It definatly gets better over time. At 8 mo I'm feeling much more connected and passionate. I talked about by drive, insecurities, ect with my husband and that really helped.
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Old 02-14-2015, 03:10 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Hawks that is some very interesting information I will have to look into. It appears as though there might be a scientific reason I am feeling this way. Thank you all for responding, this topic very much interest me.
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Old 02-14-2015, 03:20 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Quote:
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I read up on this a while back.

So far as guys go, drinking drives up estrogen levels and our bodies respond with extra testosterone production to combat that.

Testosterone boosts sex drive.

With women, the extra estrogen drives the same thing.

When you get off the booze, hormones will lapse at first, as they have been artificially stimulated for years , and will hopefully rebalance over a year or two.
Or sooner...
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Old 02-14-2015, 03:44 AM   #19 (permalink)
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I would say it most likely interacts with our character and temperament (who we are, really). I've always been a sexually very aware and very interested person. This is actually a domain of my personality that I am very satisfied with and am rather proud of -- never had any problems in this area, never even wanted to get into any sort of extremes, which is one reason why I feel so comfortable with it, at least something rewarding that I don't tend to use/experience with extreme measures.

My sex drive was quite up in early sobriety, and I made theories about this... like the brain craves rewarding experiences, the dopamine boost we used to have while drinking... but reading stories here, it seems like it can also be just the opposite in early sobriety.

I would not worry about it, Jeremy. Very likely these things will change, both for your wife and yourself, with more time. Focus on the real important parts of recovery right now... sex can be figured out later. I would also discuss all this with the wife openly.
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Old 02-14-2015, 03:56 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Great thread! Glad it's being talked about, been having these worries myself and reading the replies helps alot, I need to give it time. Figure out who this weird, uncomfortable sober person is first and hopefully the rest will follow
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