trying "again" sigh
 

I really don't even know what to say... I bought beer Sunday after a frustrating day. Of course it all went down hill after that... So down hill I drank my vanilla extract because it was all I had left. I haven't slept at all the last 3 nights and I can't eat. I want off of this crazy train!

Welcome back on track and I wish you well on sobriety. Try to build a strong support system around you, do you have people you can talk to if you have urges. Have you looked into SMART, AA, AVRT or any of the other programs that are out there?

You used to have a great signature...if you have any kind of faith, thats a great place to start Alynn :)

welcome back :)

D

I never knew what went on in my head to make me take that first drink, either.
All memories of the fear and anxiety that awaited me disappeared. This happened a hundred times. And I'm not exaggerating.
I needed help. I couldn't stop on my own. Went to AA and got sober for seven months, but slowly started with that voice again. "You can have a few and relax". Of course, we all now where it goes from there.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Those AA meetings planted a seed in my head that others had stopped, then so could I. And I did, finally.
You can do it, too.
I agree with the above of trying a program of recovery. Many have been saved by this, including myself.
Best to you and don't give up.
Oh, and I drank cooking Sherry once when I ran out.

Thank you Dee! I'm clinging to my faith at the moment. This cylcle is crazy. I binge 3-4 days, feel horrible, beg my saviour for forgivness. A little time goes by and I get bored and start over. I'm planning on going to meeting today. I had a great support system at my church but my job has changed a little and I'm woking weekends.

If I could only stay this focused in the days,weeks,months ahead I would be fine.

Meetings will help you stay focused, and coming here on a regular basis will too. Early on I used to make very detailed daily "plans" of what I was going to do every day, right down to the hour. Even if I was just going to clean the kitchen or read a book, I wrote it down. If you can eliminate as much Idle time as possible it really helps keeping the cravings and thoughts of drinking at bay. Making sure you eat/drink well and get enough rest is also very important.

Welcome back, Alynn. Recommitting to AA sounds like a good idea.

Stay close to SR; one of the great things about SR is that it is a 24/7/365 place for support. When you experience urges or cravings, log-in; you'll find support.

We are here for you.

What support are you using after 3/4 days?

I went round and round the same cycle for a long time, because I was depending on my own mind, which was addicted to alcohol to not somehow want to drink, the results were almost inevitable.

So instead I needed to utilise some support, not only in the relapse times, but in the Sober times, something to keep me focused and short circuit my own mind, a second opinion on things, as in isolation there seemed to just be a never ending merry-go-round.

You can do this, but a plan could make all the difference!! :)

I slipped up too and now am on day 7. You can do it. You are back on track- keep following it. That track leads many ways- all forward. The other track, with alcohol, leads to only one place- and that place has all bad things one can imagine.

I do need to make a plan for the days and weeks out. My problem is wanting to just forget about it and move forward. I guess you can't do that with this disease. Gotta figure out a way to stay on top of it :(.

Wish I wasn't so afraid of going to a meeting. I know I would be fine once I got started with them. Just making that first one is scary

Have you spent any time reading on AA's site or on this site in the 12 Step forum?

What is it exactly that you are afraid of in attending? Everyone there is just like you and they want you to succeed. They won't make you do anything at all. You don't even have to introduce yourself until and unless you are comfortable doing so.

I really don't know! I know I shouldn't be but I'm just so humiliated. I've been to one and cried the whole time. I felt really silly setting there crying like that

I cried for a month at meetings.

Part of it was my brain's hyper-sensitivity in early sobriety and part of it was the psychological ramifications of the causes of my drinking and then what I've done while drinking.

You are not the only one who cries through meetings. It gets easier in time. The hyper-sensitivity diminishes. At least in AA it is a safe place to cry - people there get it. (Well, a lot of them do.) It's good to cry. Something is trying to come out, and until it does you cry.

I stopped going to meetings after 120 days. I haven't picked up a drink, though. There is a lot of wisdom in those rooms and if life seems baffling, there is help in the rooms too.