Jupiters

welcome KG
so glad you found us. I think it's great you are taking care of your estranged uncles burial. That isn't something a horrible person would do. Not at all. That's a caring, loving person.

firstymer

Good luck on this, your Day 1, KG.

When I was drinking heavily, I didn't like myself much either. I knew deep down that I was wasting a good life. I was allowing myself to be a worse parent, a worse employee, a worse friend than I knew I was capable of being.

THAT is what finally motivated me to quit, once and for all. To give myself a chance to show what I am capable of. To allow the "good" me to have a chance to show itself.

I am not perfect since I got sober. But I do finally like myself. And that is a big change for me.

I hope the same for you. Good luck. I am glad you are here with us.

KaleGrrl

Thank you Jupiters and Firstymer. I've had to make a lot of phone calls this afternoon and am wiped out again (but sober). And still needing to make more calls. It's been an emotional day. Thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement!

PurpleKnight

Keep pushing through KaleGrrl!! You can do this!!

Sasha4

You don't actually know for sure that your uncle was unhappy?
Sorry if I have missed it somewhere, but he was poor when he died right? But you have no knowledge that he was unhappy?

Life might have been hard for him, but you don't really know his state of mind I guess.

I would probably assume myself that being a pauper would be an awful way to live. But I don't know that for sure.

This is a shock for you.
Its probably brought other feelings to the surface.
Maybe you don't need to deal with them all at once.
You don't have to solve them all straight away, but you you can start working on them now.
I also think you need to go a bit easier on yourself.

I think it is a natural feeling when someone dies, that we question did we do enough? Did we spend enough time with them? Did we help out enough? However sometimes we don't even know if our help was required or needed.

I really wish you the best and will be thinking of you.
I think what you are doing sounds very caring and shows what a good person you are.
I wish you the best xx

Pondlady

I'm sorry about your uncle, but it's a wonderful thing you're doing, taking care of his burial. Drinking fills us with self loathing and guilt, once stopped, you'll feel so much better about yourself.

beach20

You are not a horrible person., I have trouble with self-loathing.

However, you were created because the universe wanted you and needed to love you specifically!

You were created because you were needed..troubles and all!. That makes you another special person among all of the people!

KaleGrrl

Today, I found out that a neighbor of his apartment complex called the police because there were papers that built up, and as it turned out, also the mail. And a smell. My uncle was one of those that you hear about from the movies or jokes or whatever-- a smell in the hallway, decomposed for several days before it was known he was dead. How awful. I can't explain the sadness I feel. I loved him as a child but he was very messed up. I knew that from a young age. He lived off his parents. He was bright--he graduated from Cornell, but he had mental problems. Anyway, enough about that. May he rest in peace.