Boyfriend giving up on himself?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 8
Boyfriend giving up on himself?
Hi guys, I'm new here, I'm a spouse of a guy with alcohol
Dependency, it's getting to a point where talking to him about it doesn't really seem like an option, I've tried, but he ends up getting very agitated and I look like a nag. A bit of back ground story -
We have been going out for exactly a year this month, I fell in love with him right away, he felt the same so he wanted to tell me straight up front about his alcohol addiction, this was make or break for us but I chose to stick by him because I could see potential in the relationship as well as in him. At first he would drink cider then he cut down to weaker beer, he said to me when we first starts dating that he needs to cut this down because he doesn't want to risk losing me. All his friends have fallen in love with me, saying I'm the best thing to ever happen to him, I've made close friends with one of the female friends and she says before he met me he would drink a bottle of spirits a day and drink about 12 ciders in the pub some nights. A few years ago he gave up alcohol for a week and he had a panic fit and since then it had worried him that he will have another. But we have proven it isn't a physical problem as he has managed two days without alcohol and that's when he was really ill.
12 months on and I feel as though he has given up, he works really really hard and the alcohol doesn't affect it he can go a full day without drinking, but only if he's working, on his days off he makes up for lost time and drinks all day, we never do anything on his day off because it has to revolve around alcohol and we certainly can't drive anywhere, don't get me wrong if we had to, he would make sure he is fit enough to drive, but he always chooses not to and would rather unwind and drink.
He has moments of positivity where he will want to sort his health out and do bench weights and start going out to places with me, suggesting we go someplace nice, but the drinking always seems more appealing. He gave me permission to point out if I think he is drinking too much and so last night I observed, he had 10 cans of beer in 4 and a half hours, I told him not to get annoyed with me but I think he is drinking too much and to slow down a bit, this started a massive argument and he told me that I'm annoying him and now isn't a time to worry about it and he is winding down before work tomorrow and he can do whatever he wants. I told him that it is affecting his health and I'm worried about him because his face is starting to get blotchy and he replied "I don't care, we all have to die someday, stop worrying about me! If you think I'm never going to drink for the rest of my life then your mistaken, if you can't handle it, leave" he thinks none of this is my problem but we are in a relationship and he doesn't realise it affects me as well.
It's like he doesn't realise that it's affecting me as well, I'm stressed out about it all the time because I want him to get healthy and start looking good and feeling good about himself but he's letting himself go because his job is taking up all his energy.
Granted he has done exceptionally well in just a year to hold down a job and find a new girlfriend and get a new car, he makes out I don't really have a clue about him or about his life because I think drinking 10 cans is bad.
I keep annoying him every time I bring it up but I'm just worried and I love him! I don't know what to do, I'm powerless now because I feel he knows that this could potentially ruin his relationship with me but he chooses to not do anything about it and I can leave if I don't choose to accept it. I know I can't make him do anything and it has to start from him but I don't want to lose him at a early age because of this evil substance. Can anybody help me that is going through this themselves?
Dependency, it's getting to a point where talking to him about it doesn't really seem like an option, I've tried, but he ends up getting very agitated and I look like a nag. A bit of back ground story -
We have been going out for exactly a year this month, I fell in love with him right away, he felt the same so he wanted to tell me straight up front about his alcohol addiction, this was make or break for us but I chose to stick by him because I could see potential in the relationship as well as in him. At first he would drink cider then he cut down to weaker beer, he said to me when we first starts dating that he needs to cut this down because he doesn't want to risk losing me. All his friends have fallen in love with me, saying I'm the best thing to ever happen to him, I've made close friends with one of the female friends and she says before he met me he would drink a bottle of spirits a day and drink about 12 ciders in the pub some nights. A few years ago he gave up alcohol for a week and he had a panic fit and since then it had worried him that he will have another. But we have proven it isn't a physical problem as he has managed two days without alcohol and that's when he was really ill.
12 months on and I feel as though he has given up, he works really really hard and the alcohol doesn't affect it he can go a full day without drinking, but only if he's working, on his days off he makes up for lost time and drinks all day, we never do anything on his day off because it has to revolve around alcohol and we certainly can't drive anywhere, don't get me wrong if we had to, he would make sure he is fit enough to drive, but he always chooses not to and would rather unwind and drink.
He has moments of positivity where he will want to sort his health out and do bench weights and start going out to places with me, suggesting we go someplace nice, but the drinking always seems more appealing. He gave me permission to point out if I think he is drinking too much and so last night I observed, he had 10 cans of beer in 4 and a half hours, I told him not to get annoyed with me but I think he is drinking too much and to slow down a bit, this started a massive argument and he told me that I'm annoying him and now isn't a time to worry about it and he is winding down before work tomorrow and he can do whatever he wants. I told him that it is affecting his health and I'm worried about him because his face is starting to get blotchy and he replied "I don't care, we all have to die someday, stop worrying about me! If you think I'm never going to drink for the rest of my life then your mistaken, if you can't handle it, leave" he thinks none of this is my problem but we are in a relationship and he doesn't realise it affects me as well.
It's like he doesn't realise that it's affecting me as well, I'm stressed out about it all the time because I want him to get healthy and start looking good and feeling good about himself but he's letting himself go because his job is taking up all his energy.
Granted he has done exceptionally well in just a year to hold down a job and find a new girlfriend and get a new car, he makes out I don't really have a clue about him or about his life because I think drinking 10 cans is bad.
I keep annoying him every time I bring it up but I'm just worried and I love him! I don't know what to do, I'm powerless now because I feel he knows that this could potentially ruin his relationship with me but he chooses to not do anything about it and I can leave if I don't choose to accept it. I know I can't make him do anything and it has to start from him but I don't want to lose him at a early age because of this evil substance. Can anybody help me that is going through this themselves?
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
hi HBG -
you should definitely check out this area on SR
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
it's for Friends and Family of alcolholics. Plenty of people stuggling with the same things and some really great advice/support.
Glad you found us
you should definitely check out this area on SR
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
it's for Friends and Family of alcolholics. Plenty of people stuggling with the same things and some really great advice/support.
Glad you found us
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,552
The good news is, he is aware of his consumption. The bad news, you telling him is going to make you the enemy. I am in the same boat, with a slight twist...I'm almost 5 months sober. I know what that brain is like. And you are threatening his favorite relationship.
It feels lonely being in a relationship with an alcoholic, doesn't it? Everything will become an excuse for why he drinks, even you. And it progressively gets worse. I remember 4 years ago, mine telling me I don't ever have to worry about anything again. I used to call it his house and he insisted it was ours. Two weeks ago he passed out while watching my daughter, leaving a 6 year old to run around the house until midnight. When I expressed my disgust I was told to "get out of my house then". My once safe and secure environment has become a nightmare. I will be applying for assistance to try and find someplace for me and my daughter to live. It doesn't get better. I wish I could sugarcoat this but it doesn't. Until he actually stops drinking for good and gets some kind of program, this is going to escalate. Threatening to leave, won't work. Crying definately won't work...he will not feel bad for you, it will only make him more sure you are the one that is crazy. It hurts, and it's scary. And he probably is a great person with potential. But as long as he is in the grips of alcohol, he is not going to let those true colors shine.
Jennifer
It feels lonely being in a relationship with an alcoholic, doesn't it? Everything will become an excuse for why he drinks, even you. And it progressively gets worse. I remember 4 years ago, mine telling me I don't ever have to worry about anything again. I used to call it his house and he insisted it was ours. Two weeks ago he passed out while watching my daughter, leaving a 6 year old to run around the house until midnight. When I expressed my disgust I was told to "get out of my house then". My once safe and secure environment has become a nightmare. I will be applying for assistance to try and find someplace for me and my daughter to live. It doesn't get better. I wish I could sugarcoat this but it doesn't. Until he actually stops drinking for good and gets some kind of program, this is going to escalate. Threatening to leave, won't work. Crying definately won't work...he will not feel bad for you, it will only make him more sure you are the one that is crazy. It hurts, and it's scary. And he probably is a great person with potential. But as long as he is in the grips of alcohol, he is not going to let those true colors shine.
Jennifer
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
I realize the situation is very upsetting and there is no easy fix EXCEPT for the drinking person, male or female. They have to want to get sober for themselves or your constantly banging your head against the wall with no long term positive results.
No one else can get an alcoholic sober or drunk, period. There probably are many things that might work, temporarily, then it’s the same old same old.
The above suggestion about Friends and Families is a good one for the abused along with Al Anon meetingS in your area.
BE WELL
I realize the situation is very upsetting and there is no easy fix EXCEPT for the drinking person, male or female. They have to want to get sober for themselves or your constantly banging your head against the wall with no long term positive results.
No one else can get an alcoholic sober or drunk, period. There probably are many things that might work, temporarily, then it’s the same old same old.
The above suggestion about Friends and Families is a good one for the abused along with Al Anon meetingS in your area.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Originally Posted by countrygirl2014 
The good news is, he is aware of his consumption. The bad news, you telling him is going to make you the enemy. I am in the same boat, with a slight twist...I'm almost 5 months sober. I know what that brain is like. And you are threatening his favorite relationship.
It feels lonely being in a relationship with an alcoholic, doesn't it? Everything will become an excuse for why he drinks, even you. And it progressively gets worse. I remember 4 years ago, mine telling me I don't ever have to worry about anything again. I used to call it his house and he insisted it was ours. Two weeks ago he passed out while watching my daughter, leaving a 6 year old to run around the house until midnight. When I expressed my disgust I was told to "get out of my house then". My once safe and secure environment has become a nightmare. I will be applying for assistance to try and find someplace for me and my daughter to live. It doesn't get better. I wish I could sugarcoat this but it doesn't. Until he actually stops drinking for good and gets some kind of program, this is going to escalate. Threatening to leave, won't work. Crying definately won't work...he will not feel bad for you, it will only make him more sure you are the one that is crazy. It hurts, and it's scary.
And he probably is a great person with potential. But as long as he is in the grips of alcohol, he is not going to let those true colors shine.
Jennifer
It feels lonely being in a relationship with an alcoholic, doesn't it? Everything will become an excuse for why he drinks, even you. And it progressively gets worse. I remember 4 years ago, mine telling me I don't ever have to worry about anything again. I used to call it his house and he insisted it was ours. Two weeks ago he passed out while watching my daughter, leaving a 6 year old to run around the house until midnight. When I expressed my disgust I was told to "get out of my house then". My once safe and secure environment has become a nightmare. I will be applying for assistance to try and find someplace for me and my daughter to live. It doesn't get better. I wish I could sugarcoat this but it doesn't. Until he actually stops drinking for good and gets some kind of program, this is going to escalate. Threatening to leave, won't work. Crying definately won't work...he will not feel bad for you, it will only make him more sure you are the one that is crazy. It hurts, and it's scary.
And he probably is a great person with potential. But as long as he is in the grips of alcohol, he is not going to let those true colors shine.
Jennifer
Unfortunately it’s better to find out sooner rather than later.
It’s often said we are dealing with alcohol, Powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious with the only positive answer is to stop it’s intake.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
I'm sorry that you are finding out the hard way that an alcoholic will not quit unless he or she wants to. That panic attack your boyfriend had was most likely withdrawal and he probably didn't have them while sick because he was too miserable to feel them.
Think ten years down the line. Is this truly the life you want to have then? Don't think of his potential. Think what he is now. It won't change and will get worse. I've been married to one for ten years. I'm an alcoholic too but I've been sober over a year now. You will be sitting home watching him drink to get drunk or you will be out on your own if you want to do anything out of the house. You've already seen that plans revolve around the drink. Your world will shrink until nothing matters but the bottle.
He knows this is affecting you. But that's not important except in some tiny corner of his brain. It's a bleak future for you. Don't have kids with him. You will be a single mother even if he's sitting in the next room. If someone had told me all this when I met my husband I wouldn't have listened. He's a good guy. Great potential. He'll change for me. No. He didn't.
I would leave. That's not what you want to hear. You most likely want to hear that it all ends happily. That your love is enough. Its not. He's already told you that he won't live his life without alcohol. If the life you have at this very minute is the life you want to have always then stay and put up with it silently. If you envision a better life for yourself, leave.
Think ten years down the line. Is this truly the life you want to have then? Don't think of his potential. Think what he is now. It won't change and will get worse. I've been married to one for ten years. I'm an alcoholic too but I've been sober over a year now. You will be sitting home watching him drink to get drunk or you will be out on your own if you want to do anything out of the house. You've already seen that plans revolve around the drink. Your world will shrink until nothing matters but the bottle.
He knows this is affecting you. But that's not important except in some tiny corner of his brain. It's a bleak future for you. Don't have kids with him. You will be a single mother even if he's sitting in the next room. If someone had told me all this when I met my husband I wouldn't have listened. He's a good guy. Great potential. He'll change for me. No. He didn't.
I would leave. That's not what you want to hear. You most likely want to hear that it all ends happily. That your love is enough. Its not. He's already told you that he won't live his life without alcohol. If the life you have at this very minute is the life you want to have always then stay and put up with it silently. If you envision a better life for yourself, leave.
Adventurer
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Tuxedo Park, NY
Posts: 1,101
Everything everyone said is sad but true. I was in the position of your boyfriend for a long time. I loved the alcohol and my gf at the time told me I needed to quit. I did not and kept drinking she then left. I finally got sick of being hungover/sick/miserable and alone. I myself had to find the reason to quit and since I have quit I have had some relapses but I am almost to 5 weeks sober since the last slip up. It has to be something he does and nobody can make him do it except him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 8
Thank you everybody for your warm welcome and kind words. Does it really have to come down to me walking out? I'm worried he will just call my bluff. I can't build the strength enough to walk away, is there any other way of him realising I WILL eventually leave if things don't change? I've cared too much up to now and I realise now it's getting me no where and to be frank it's making me look pathetic and like I'm a complete door mat. I know about how people take for granted what is always there but do I really have to leave just for him to realise my worth?
Ya**!
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Canada! wtf eh?
Posts: 1,123
You threatening to leave won't be the reason he quits drinking. IF he ever does stop, it will be for himself... and only then will it actually be a lasting sobriety. There's really no other way for it to work.
I'm sorry this brings you here but you have found in incredible resource in our community. Welcome.
I'm sorry this brings you here but you have found in incredible resource in our community. Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Hello: saying or threatening that you are leaving will not do a thing if you do not mean it. I'm telling you from experience. My SO begged me to quit for years. It was until I wanted it that it happened. Don't give ultimatums that you can't keep because that will be worse. Search in your heart for what you really want, need and deserve. We will be here to support you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 8
Thank you :-)
I really want the best for him, he seems to let himself stew in his own mess. I try and help but it seems to be getting nowhere. I've forgotten about my own life, all I do is worry about him. He moans about money but his money goes to booze every week. I thought I'd be enough to make him stop but I just come across as an annoying nag now when all I want to do is help him on his way to recovery, he's done it before, he told me he would drive around to resist temptation of getting drunk. But it seems now that he doesn't ever want to do anything, I have to force him to actually take a walk with me! I don't want to just go out on my own all the time :-(
I really want the best for him, he seems to let himself stew in his own mess. I try and help but it seems to be getting nowhere. I've forgotten about my own life, all I do is worry about him. He moans about money but his money goes to booze every week. I thought I'd be enough to make him stop but I just come across as an annoying nag now when all I want to do is help him on his way to recovery, he's done it before, he told me he would drive around to resist temptation of getting drunk. But it seems now that he doesn't ever want to do anything, I have to force him to actually take a walk with me! I don't want to just go out on my own all the time :-(
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
Honeymoon is over and he is settling back to equilibrium. I'd apologize and let him down easy and go on with your life. And don't date people who have substance abuse issues, it's kind of a big red flag.
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