Deserto

I'm embarrassed to be here for about the fifth or sixth time in nearly four years.

Fact is, if you stumble upon SoberRecovery, make an effort, and then go out and then try to come back -- well it gets harder to come back when you know the question is always going to be, "What are you going to do different this time?"

Well damn, if I knew that....

I love this community and want to be here but it becomes increasingly unwelcome. The earnestness becomes off-putting for those of us who are failing....

Deserto

Well ok. Point proven. Good night.

Nonsensical

Just a slight adjustment on your post and I think it becomes more accurate.

Welcome back.

We try to help one another here. "What are you planning?" gets to the heart of the matter quickly so that suggestions and encouragement can be more topical. It's not meant to be off-putting. Try not to take it that way.

What have you tried so far and did at least some of it work?

petals

welcome back, i love this site. sometimes i've had a reply to a post and thought hmm i don't like what they are saying .....but.... it is always well meant and because people care.x

aistar

Welcome back.

Dee74

Seeing as thats something I ask quite often, I'm taking this one a little personally.

I don't ask it to embarrass people, or bully them or puff myself up cos I'm sober and you're not, or put them off with my earnestness or 'golly geeness' or what ever the hell else.

I ask it because I know recovery is possible for anyone who wants it. I've been where you are.

I also know that the best ideas will come from you not me.

But mostly I ask it because whatever you've been doing just isn't working Des.

I know you're not here because you want to keep drinking - you want to stop.

so...time to get down to it Des. Stop blaming everyone else, and use that energy to get some traction going.

Think about what you haven't tried yet.

Make a list. Include everything from joining this months thread to inpatient rehab.

It's pretty easy to strike out the stuff you don't want to do.

What are you left with?
D

Dee74

Looks like I'm not finished...lol

What you call 'pressure' Des, is actually concern, advice, help and support.
Everyone here wants to see you succeed.

we're not the enemy.

Hope to see you log in again soon,
D

lastdayone

Deserto, I've been there - I've been to lots of different forums and had to comment saying I'm on day 1 yet again. I've always been received with support and understanding, but I worry so much about what people are thinking of me and whether they are judging me. I registered on here three years ago and never came back, and have created a new name this time because I don't want to remind myself of how close I came to almost getting sober last time. Speaking for me personally, I'm scared to receive questions like "What are you going to do differently?" because I don't know the answer to them and those are the questions I keep on asking myself. But those are the questions that I need to be asking myself, and I keep on reminding myself that the best way to fail is to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results.

That was a long-winded way of saying that I totally get how you feel. It's incredibly intimidating to return somewhere and admit to "failure" (although I'm gonna take Nonsensical's approach and reframe my failures as learning experiences). But I'm pretty sure the one thing we all have in common on this site is that not one of us has quit drinking only the once.

JanieJ

I think Dee has hit the nail on the head there.

Deserto, I've never seen anyone be unwelcome here when they 've returned. We're all addicts at the end of the day.

I think the question "what can you do differently" is a valid one, because if we do what we've always done, we'll get what we've always got.

Hope you can see that we are well- meaning and just want you to succeed Deserto.

Esspee

Hi

We've never met as I am new so please excuse me if anything I say sounds impertinent and doesn't apply to you.

Regarding the time it took for people to respond, in the 10 days I've been here I have noticed there are times of day when it is 'slow'. Usually around 8-11 am UK time. With it being an international forum you have a combination of sleeping, school runs, work etc. For me I post earlyish, shoot off and shop/do coffee etc and then come back. After around 11am UK time things take off and posts that have sat with 0 or 1 posts are soon up in the double figures. It is no relation to the content of the post or the person posting, just the time. Also sometimes people will read something and then go away and think of their response.

I don't think when people are asking 'what are you going to do differently' it is a criticism. I think it is trying to, in a caring way, prompt you to think things through, even thinking things through out loud on here. Without knowing what you are looking for/thinking it is difficult for people to help.

And the answer 'I really don't know' to that question is a perfectly valid answer. And if that's how you feel then say it - that way people can understand where you are.

People DO care. There are very few people on here who haven't 'gone off the rails' more than once during their journey to sobriety. But everytime you have a go it's a positive step.

If you subscribe to the Christian point of view then 'let he who is without sin cast the first stone' - I know I'm not without sin so no stone throwing from me. If you aren't religion then put whatever slant on that you will.

Please stay with us. I'm sure your experiences can help others just like people here will stand by you

Nonsensical

There might be a few, but I'm surely not one of them. I joined this forum specifically to get new ideas on how to stay sober because it was obvious none of my old ones were working. I've taken a few faceplants since joining, but I never gave up trying. Pride be damned, I wanted it too badly.

MIRecovery

I have found that my sobriety is not about what I want it is about what I need. The primary reason I am sober is because I sought out people with long term sobriety and allowed them to guide me. Many times I did not like what they had to say but I knew they cared and we're successful so I swallowed my pride and did what they did. Change is never easy but change we must because the alternative is staying the same.

Johnston

Ultimately you need to get sober for yourself and through yourself. If you rely on forums, groups, gods, or philosophies, good for you. At the end of the day it's up to you. Good luck.

Soberwolf

Hi Deserto, i dont mean this badly but how can you not know what to try ?

have you tried aa/avrt/smart ?

have you spoke to a cousellor or a addiction counsellor or a psycologist

have you considered CBT therapy or even group therapy

Have you thought about outpatient or inpatient

Have you considered rehab

Good luck deserto

LBrain

This is just an observation in general. I have only been a member here for less than 11 months. Over that time I have seen people come and spend a short period of time and disappear. Then a month or two later they show up again stating that they "failed". I have seen people posting who have been gone for six months to a year and longer who have "come back" to try it again.

I have seen and experienced the pain of those who struggle yet they stay here and share their struggle continuing to 'try' to do things differently. And they too often hear, "What are you going to do differently." Yet they are still here and continuing to do what they can to improve their situation.

I have noticed there is a core group of people who have been here and continue to post regularly. Some for less than a year, some for as many as five or more years. Why would someone with five or more years clean and sober need - or want - to continue to post on this forum? Certainly they don't need to be here. Do they?

Now back to your opening statement. Did you feel that after a month or two you were 'cured' and just went back to your old existence? One of the cliches that always used to irk me is the one that goes, "What do I need to change?" "Everything." I don't necessarily agree with that. But we have to change a lot. Quite a lot. Or perhaps we only need to change a little. The important part of that "change" is that is has to be a permanent change.

Getting and staying sober is not a temp job. It is a lifetime commitment.

Being embarrassed by coming here 5 or 6 times in four years is, unfortunately, your own doing. I don't know what coming here 5 or 6 times actually means really. Did you come for a day, a week or a month?
How long was your 'visit'?

One of things I noticed about the people with long term sobriety is that they don't ever think they have got it under control. Or that they are safe forever. And how do I know this? Because they are still around posting. Some almost daily. There are people who have come here only once who have 5+ years of sobriety. What do they all have in common?
They are still here. They only came here once in the last five years. Something to consider.

I hope you can figure this out.

DrunkenDonuts

Hey Deserto. What have you got to lose by trying? Or what have you got to lose if you don't try?
I'm not going to sprout cliched sentiments to you. You know what you have to do, and this place can help.

ANewDayNYC

I registered for this site in June 2013 and this is probably my 9th attempt. Nothing to be embarrassed about, we are all just trying to make attempts to better our lives. Each time I slip, I am able to make an adjustment. I'm confident we will both get there.

Tang

I'd offer advice, but I'm not much different than you. In business school they always beat the drum about having a business plan or else you will fail. I suppose that is the same approach I need to take with drinking.

Ultramarathoner

Failure is an event, not a person.

And it takes character to admit failure, even anonymously, and I applaud you for coming back!

I thinks the question about ‘what will be different’ is asked to (1) Shift the focus from what ‘was’ to what ‘can’ be and (2) Help one refine their plan.

I do things pretty contrary to the accepted and time tested principals. I don't label myself, couldn't tell you what day I'm on, am not a member of any group (other than this one!), haven't tossed any of the alcohol in my house, etc. Things that probably make some reading this cringe.

This is not because I'm a 'rebel' or trying to 'buck the system' and I wholeheartedly support which ever path one selects to reach their goal. I just found what worked for me- and live in that world.

As you continue your quest, you'll continue to refine what works for you. And with the tenacity and persistence you've demonstrated by continuing to return, I'm confident you'll find 'your' answer.

tomsteve

I'm thinkin there's a possibility ya feel unwelcomed and have that " off-putting" thing because yer asked what are you going to do differently, ya don't know what yer gonna do differently, and I high probability that ya don't do anything different?
Do you want to stop drinking?
Are you willing to change?
Willing to take what's suggested and put it into action?

There's a lot of people here that have been in your shoes. Not only with the drinking, but the thinking. They've got out from under and have great solutions.
Sure hope ya want to stop drinking and change. Life sober ROCKS!!!!!!!