Mirage74

I caved tonight, about an hour ago, about 11pm. I almost made it, albeit through what would have been another sleepless night, and tomorrow morning I'm sure I'll regret it. Or will I? I'm not sure if it was the disease, or just an intentional, conscious decision. There's just something going on in my life I find unacceptable. I've fought tooth and nail to rectify it, to no avail. Their heels are dug in, and I'm exasperated. I know that's vague, no need to get into details, but it's just easier to drink rather than fight it.

You can't change people. I don't accept that. It's a tenant I hear, it seems, constantly. And I don't buy it. Theres obviously some people I want to confront. And I can't get sober until that happens. And they are running from a fight. And I'm left in limbo, miserable, in turmoil, wanting to fight for something larger than me, like principles maybe. And they run, because they like things just the way they are. And they dig their heels in. Such bad blood, masked by an affected facade of normalcy. It's enough to keep at least one man drinking.

Sorry for the rant. I'm 4 drinks in, I've hit the sweet spot. Tomorrow, if I actually hit Send, I'll wake up and think "Crap, Did I post that?" Im so guarded, it takes booze to get me to spill what's going on. As though talking about it will help. Because unless I get my way, I'll never be satisfied.

I may not come back. Talking about it? It's too personal. I've got to find someone that has my back.

Esspee

Hi Mirage.

Are these people/issues worth the stress of confrontation? Will it really make you feel better? Or is it possible to decide to draw a line - with them/it the OTHER side of the line and move on, leaving it behind?

If it is possible, try and cut these situations from your life.

Take care and I hope you do come back

Dee74

I lost my post unfortunately so I'll try and recreate it.

I think you need to reframe this - rather than 'failure' maybe it's just that you haven't worked out an alternative coping strategy for your problems yet?

I had people in my life I wanted to confront too. I thought it would make me feel better but when I did confront them it made me feel worse, and I drank more.

I wanted them to say OMG, we have done wrong to you! we are so sorry!

That never happened and I know in my case it never ever will.

Drinking will never solve any of that. At best it numbs old wounds, but the pain will come back - there's no dealing with things, no getting past them, no growth.

The only real solution for me was to move on - otherwise I was reliving every hurt, every pain, every indignity over and over and over again.

I needed to forgive.

Forgiveness is not about telling people it's ok what they did or about letting them get close enough to hurt you again. It's not about pretending everything ok, or that everything was your fault....

It's about letting go. It's about you choosing to move on from that hurt and never looking back.

It's actually not about them at all...it's all about you thriving and finding peace and serenity despite whatever happened to you

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned the novel The Shack before to you.

The central theme of that book is you cannot move on while you have your hands around someone elses neck.

let go, mirage74.

D

Mirage74

Yes, it's worth the confrontation. Despite what I've been told my whole life, I'm a confrontational person. I enjoy it. I like hashing things out. They would tell you im like them - avoiding confrontation at all costs. Which is what I do, because I'm outnumbered, and it's what they're like - avoid conflict at all cost. I'm dying for some confrontation. Literally. I drink, because that may be my real drug. Open dialogue. Honest communication. Constructive criticism. Conversing with normal people - the good and the bad. Roll with the punches. I'm a fairly good- natured person, who likes to challenge the status quo. Surrounded by people who will fight that at all costs.

Mirage74

I'll look into finding that book, Dee. Tomorrow when I sober up. I'm sitting here wallowing.

Thanks for your post

Dee74

The Shack: Where Tragedy Confronts Eternity
by Wm. Paul Young

It should be in most bookshops, if not libraries

I can't promise that you will read the book and BAM things change...but they did start to change slowly for me from the moment I read the book.

It's a process not an event - I had 40 years of 'stuff'.

Take it easy on yourself and hit the sack

D

mecanix

Mirage ,
It's a shame you put this want of need before your sobriety .
Sounds to me like your banging your head against some other persons brick wall.

As a drunk i wanted the world to work at my pace and for me to dictate the timing of everything , usually right now . When i didn't get my way it hurt .

I always think now, normal people manage to go through what i'm going through and stay sober , i am not that unique.

Drinking is just the pit's you can throw all the excuses or reasons around you like and i won't be drinking . I hope you come round to seeing things my way , i have limitless time and patience that you can and will do the right thing in time

Take care of yourself , i hope you don't feel too rough in the morning , m

Mirage74

I'm still here. Very pointed mecanix. I love it, I welcome it. I want to be criticized. I'm hanging by a thread, because no one will tell me what they really think. I'm not a delicate flower. Tell me I'm flawed. I thrive on it. How can I become better when you don't tell me what I need to become better at? I'm not an island. I'm, at heart, a rebel. If you knew my upbringing, it all makes sense. To bad those around me deny that. This country was built by rebels.

I don't want to get sober, so things work out. I need things to work out, so I can get sober. Yea, I'm bullheaded, until I find another way. Thank you for your response.

Dee74

Noones going to lay into you mirage - that's not going to get you where you need to be

where you're at is solve problems---> stop drinking

where you need to be is stop drinking ---> solve problems

I know you want to believe you can change other people.

Bottom line -I don't think that's in your power (or mine)...but changing ourselves? hell yes.

Like I said drinking is not a solution - we just get maudlin and masochistic.

Get a clear head...read the book...start the journey of self discovery...find out who mirage74 realkly is, not who people have told you he is.

mecanix

Hey Mirage ,
soz if it came out like criticism , i don't mean it like that . .. it was just that i wanted the world to work at my pace , when it didn't it hurt and i used to drink because of that hurt .

I was putting the other stuff as more important before not drinking .. Till i changed my priorities , things didn't change ..

Thats all i got for you really … soz if it came across a bit strong i've only just woken up , not had my coffee yet and had a rough and emotional evening yesterday .

Things will change though

I'm off for coffee , m

Mirage74

Thx Dee, thx mecanix, for sharing. Mecanix, I welcome your thoughts, wasn't put off at all. Makes me feel alive. Like I said, I welcome criticism. Especially since yours was constructive. It's the best.

Dee, you come across so caring and helpful. You're a moderator. It's your job. But I just witnessed the fighter in you. I always knew it was there. I guess I'm conflicted. Sort of like US Grant was a drunk, despite being one of Americas greatest generals. How can you fight a war sober? ? Do you get sober and fight the ugly war? Or do you win the war, then get sober?

Sorry I'm rambling. I feel the concern. Feels good. I've got a lot to think about, after I wake up tomorrow.

Hawks

Isn't it weird how that works.

I never felt any better, no matter how many more I had, than I did at the 4 drink mark.

Sweet spot was exactly what it was.

Phenomenon of craving kicks in though, our bodies don't process alcohol correctly.

That's the big difference between us and normal drinkers.

We only have a 3 stage breakdown of alcohol and they have a 4 stage.

Crazy huh?

Medical science, even in 2015, still has not been able to find a way to turn drinkers of our type into normal Drinkers.

They cannot synthesise that crucial 4th stage.

Dee74

I got sober then found out that most of what I thought about the 'war' was wrong

You're right - I am a fighter...but fighting against myself was a losing battle.

I battled myself to a standstill.

I changed the terms of the engagement, and took alcohol out of the equation.

It was tough and uncomfortable and sometimes I wondered if I'd make it...but I did that when I was drinking too.

Drinking gave me no hope.

Staying sober gave me a light to head towards...the chance of a different outcome.

I'm glad I kept the faith. You will be too

D

Wastinglife

Sounds like you may be letting resentment and anger get the the best of you Mirage. You can't control what others think and once uou stop wasting energy and accept that, you can focus on your own well being.

I let go of my resentments with the help of a therapist and I found I now have less reasons to drink. A lot less reasons!

Nowsthetime

Hello: I hear AV all over your post. Have you researched AVRT?

You only hurt yourself by drinking and all the turmoil in your head only affects you. The people you are speaking of are going on with their lives and are clueless...

LBrain

okay - aside from what Dee and mex have already posted -- one of your (Mirage) posts fast forwarded me to reply.

All I can envision is the master saying to Cain,
"Grasshopper, one does not towel off before one steps out from the running water."

SoberLeigh

It's a great book, Mirage, and powerful. It is well worth the read. I've read it twice.

doggonecarl

Can't?

This "people problem" you are so cryptic about, led to your return to drinking and falling of these boards back in July. When you came back last week I wondered if you had resolved your problem. I guess not.

I don't know what the particulars are, but there will always be problems, barriers to our sobriety. Overcoming them is one avenue to recovery. Accepting the problem and not drinking over it is another. Using them as a free pass to drink is making sobriety insurmountable.

Soberwolf

Wow @ all of D's posts in this thread

The shack is a very powerful book i loved it

Good luck Mirage

SoberLeigh

I agree; Dee always has a way of hitting the nail on the head.