Winterkat

Desperate.
Lonely.
Powerless to beat this thing.
Powerless to effect any change it feels like.
Looking in the mirror, I dont even recognize myself. Normally althletic, I've gained 20 lbs (or maybe more). I don't have the energy to do the things I love. I barely have the energy to do the things I don't love. I feel like every day is a hurdle.

I know part of it is the booze. But the booze is like this terrible cycle of self medication.

I work from home. I feel so lonely and isolated, and our company culture means I'm stuck working at least 11 hours a day, then checking my phone all night and all weekend. I'm becoming less and less effective over time I feel so burned out. So I drink to settle that anxiety, but it just creates anxiety. I drink all day, and lay off at night. I usually just have a nice buzz, but sometimes I have too much on an empty stomach. Then it's a problem.

I know I need a new job. That has to be step 1 but it means leaving an industry where I'm comfortable and relying more on my husband financially.

I need to get through this depression, and get moving but I don't know how. Meds? Just quit drinking and hope sunshine filters into my brain?

I just feel desperate tonight. My husband is travelling and I live in a city where I know no one socially. Stuck at home all day. Having trouble getting to take a class because of the work hours.

I know.. Blah blah blah. I'm sure you've all heard it before. But I just can't seem to STOP. I'm drinking a bottle of wine a day at least. I NEED to stop.

Please please please help me do this. I feel so lonely. I'm so terrified that this is getting way ahead of me. I don't want to lose everything, but is know I have to change everything.

Mark1014

Hi winterkat, I have noticed some improvement in the melancholy since quitting in October. I'm giving it a little time and plan to talk to a doctor if there isn't continued improvement. Just as important, I've gotten much more focused in my ability to plan and structure my future. I know I'm making better decisions now....you will too. With a little sober time you can manage the decisions involving your job etc.. Priority one for now should likely be getting your feet on some solid sobriety. The rest will fall into place. Wishing you the best.

least

Get active here. Post when you feel like drinking. We'll help you thru the rough spots. I hope our support can help you stop drinking for good.

Dee74

What least said

getting active here, not only helping myself but helping others, made all the difference for me

Anna

SR is a great place to come and we do understand how hard this is.

Working 11 hours a day and being 'on call' evenings and weekends sounds like you could not manage much balance in your life. Did your depression start before you began drinking? Mine did and I needed to finally get proper treatment which enabled me to stop drinking. If not, you will likely find that your depression will begin to lift when you stop drinking.

Mikie9

Hi Winterkat. It reads to me your plate is too full, and we can't blame the plate if things get spilled all over. 11 hour work days and still checking on work at night and weekends? Things are bound to spill over and make mess.

For me, I had to change my work devotion. I still work and make a good income, but my time is my time, it has to be or else I would just drink when I had any free time to combat the stress, by drinking and escaping. No reward there for my hard work, none at all. And as I got older, the drinking got worse and added even more stress physically to my body, and work became even harder, so I drank more.

You can post as much as you want here, about anything. Everything has been posted here over the years, but that doesn't mean anyone is tired of hearing from someone who needs help. As a matter of fact, helping others helps many of us, myself included.

I can't tell you what to do, I can only share my experience with working more than I am living, and it isn't a road I chose to stay on, and I am doing just fine

Best of luck. Again when you are feeling lonely, you have a lot of friends here to talk to who are on the same boat, looking for people to share this issue with... others who understand. It is a very powerful tool to just share.

Nonsensical

Yes.

If that doesn't work then find out what else in addition to the booze is blocking the sunlight. You'll never figure it out until the booze is removed from the equation.

Hawkeye13

When I quit drinking I joined a Crossfit gym the same week.

I made myself go at least 3 times a week and did the Paleo Diet.

It only takes an hour to get a very good workout, and you meet people.

It helped with depression, and I dropped forty pounds of fat and built some serious muscle.

Between the social connection and the physical improvement, my energy got better and depression lifted. I didn't want to drink because if / when I did it made me feel like crap when I worked out.

Losing the weight and getting muscle dropped me three pant sizes which helped quite a bit with self-esteem and the depression also.

I am not saying it has to be Crossfit, but some exercise program where you go out, meet other people to do it, and really make some lifestyle changes can make quitting easier. It gives you another focus.

If your eleven-hour days don't allow for that, you need to change jobs ASAP.
If you are drinking and destroying your health for a crappy job, perhaps the priority should change--it isn't easy, but is worth it.

Winterkat

Thanks for all the replies.

To answer some of the questions: I'd say my depression started about three years ago. My DH got a job in a remote city, about an 18 hour driver from "home". I left my job that I had for over 15 years, co-workers that were like family, a city I loved, a house and yard I adored.. Life just felt really in place.

Unfortunately, my husband was kind of stuck n his job. An excellent position came up for him, and so we made the decision to move.

I'm in a city I hate. It's a 2 hour flight to anywhere. There's limited access to things I enjoy. I took the job from home because it allowed me to stay in my industry, which would open up more options for when we move back (looking less likely all the time). That being said, now I feel like all it's done is isolate me from developing a social network. due to DHs position, we can't socialize with his coworkers. Aside from that, he deals with people all day, so he's burnt out from that when he gets home- and I'm desperate to get out and see people. I'm pretty social by nature, so I'm realizing that this arrangement is really not working to improve my mental health.

The hours and needing to always check my phone is making me feel even more trapped. Life being life, it's always the one hour when I don't check that all hell breaks loose and I "should" have been checking. It's a very punitive environment. I do good work and am generally left alone to do my thing so I don't have much to worry about. but "big brother" is always watching. Taking a lunch break just to see the sunshine gets disapproving sniffs that I'm not pitching in. I think everyone has a very unrealistic vision of what working at home is.

It all seems like it should be easy to fix, but I just feel stuck. I guess first is to stop drinking. Set some boundaries at work, and if that doesn't work, then find something else.

Again, I appreciate the replies and insight. I know I'm working more than living, and that's not the person I used to be. I used to actually work a part time job on top of my full time one, and didn't feel trapped like this.

Putting it in black and white, it seems the answer is obvious isn't it?

SoberLeigh

^^^^^ This. SR can be a powerful tool.

Soberwolf

I agree with Least get active it helps

anattaboy

Dropping the booze opens doors (and lets light in the windows). Give yourself some air and light. Hanging out here gives some new perspective from many. Sounds like you want that. Welcome.

PurpleKnight

You can do this Winterkat!!

biminiblue

Sounds like some things need to change.

If you stay with the work-at-home option, there has to be some "off" time.

Set yourself a schedule and post it to your coworkers. "I will be at lunch from X:XX to X:XX. I will be available from X:XX to X:XX."

I think if you don't carve out some private time you are going to really suffer. Of course, I'm sure they all think you have to be available 24/7. If that's the case, maybe a new job is in order? If your husband has a good position maybe now would be a time that you can take a lesser-responsibility position that at least will get you out and around people.

lastdayone

WinterKat, you are fantastic for posting here and asking for help. That's a huge first step!

I totally get turning to alcohol to deal with depression and anxiety - that's exactly what I have been doing and while it numbs the pain for a while, ultimately it makes things that much harder. I echo getting involved here, hopefully that will help you deal with your loneliness and help you stay on your sober track. I have just been reading through other people's success stories and found them incredibly motivating.

*hugs* if you would like them.

Lovesunrises

Hi Winterkat. I can empathize with your situation and feeling of loneliness. Although I don't live in a remote area, I live alone, my kids all live out of state, etc. I've felt trapped and stressed out in my job for years. I echo what everyone else has said. Come here when you feel like drinking. It has really helped me. I've only been sober now for a couple of weeks, but I've made it through 2 weekends since quitting and if it wasn't for the support I received here, I don't think I could have done it.