Scared
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,552
Scared
I have stubbornly fought a lot of you tooth and nail over the subject of my alcoholic significant other. I am thinking too much at once but as my brain heals and clarity sets in, I realize I am shifting away from him. It's hard to tolerate alcoholic behavior. For the first time in my life, I am pretty sure I'm doing well. I have a stupid job, but it gets me by, I am active in AA and my recovery, I started college, my daughter is doing well in school, my mini farm is thriving, my art is actually selling, and I can remember every night and every morning...thank you universe for all of this. But...he hates it. He is causing problems where there isn't any, his drinking has suddenly increased, he crashed his truck last weekend, and he is telling everyone how awful I am. I won't let him drive my daughter anymore and that's a problem to him. I'm broke and in the middle of a semester. I can not just pick up and leave, but part of me wants to. My truck is in his name, my dog, my chickens, my rabbits, my turkeys, all of my daughters stuff...everything I live for is in this house. Am I just having an emotional night? I don't want to run from my problems anymore but I already know I can't fix this. I am an alcoholic! I am starting to understand the thought process. I'm just sharing my concerns for the evening, so I can sleep and not worry so much.
Jennifer
Jennifer
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 1,972
I don't know the details of your situation, so I am not sure what to say. I see some really great things though in that you have a job, your art is selling, etc.
Are you scared emotionally or financially to live apart? Is he angry that you got sober? Is he acting out as a result?
Are you scared emotionally or financially to live apart? Is he angry that you got sober? Is he acting out as a result?
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
When I joined this site I had a 4 month sobriety period. During that time I got rid of my alcoholic boyfriend. I remember being around him and thinking have I been drunk for this entire relationship?? What am I doing with this clown? I'm not saying your situation is the same as mine but I can relate to relationships changing when one person gets sober. It must be taxing on you to have to put up with alcoholic behaviour when you are trying so hard to succeed and better yourself. For what it's worth I think you are doing a great job!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 419
Just want to say that I am rooting for you. It was great to hear that your art was selling. That sounds like a beautiful thing. I am thinking that is probably about as hard as a musician selling a song, and I know how tough that is. I am just there to say that I support you in spirit.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: The Northland
Posts: 600
Relationships go out of balance when one person changes. His AV is being threatened by your sobriety, and all you can do is take care of yourself. Balance will be restored, or it won't. You are doing great.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Keep pushing trough, and running him over in the process if he doesn't get his proverbial crap in order is perfectly fine.
Priority is you, your daughter, and the great plan you have going. Everything else is irrelevant, specially him.
My 50 cents
Priority is you, your daughter, and the great plan you have going. Everything else is irrelevant, specially him.
My 50 cents
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
Do you think maybe he's afraid you are outgrowing him?
By building positive things like attending college, and selling your art,
you are undermining the financial / housing control he's held over you all these years.
You might, just might, take it into your head to do something different and not
get old with an increasingly abusive drunk.
Do you think maybe you really are outgrowing him?
His pushback may just be to get you drinking again and things back to status quo, eh?
By building positive things like attending college, and selling your art,
you are undermining the financial / housing control he's held over you all these years.
You might, just might, take it into your head to do something different and not
get old with an increasingly abusive drunk.
Do you think maybe you really are outgrowing him?
His pushback may just be to get you drinking again and things back to status quo, eh?
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
I want to respond to every post like this I see but refuse to put Wife's business out there. I will say I had to be willing to risk everything to stay sober and did leave for a bit. WE are now coming up on 8 months but it could have gone the other way relationship-wise. Sober-wise for me would have been the same 8 months. Still tons of stuff to work through but luckily I get up early and sobriety challenges have not killed me yet. The best of the best of wishes to you on making a choice between hard and harder.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,544
I agree with a post made earlier. When one person in the relationship goes "Sober" the other is sometimes left behind. Not because we look-down on them--or think we are better. We (the one trying to stay sober) now have to watch out for ourselves and our children who witness our behavior.
Maybe now it is time for a change, I can't say--only you.
Sometimes with relationship and life....it's unpredictable. We jus take
"ONE DAY AT A TIME"
Maybe now it is time for a change, I can't say--only you.
Sometimes with relationship and life....it's unpredictable. We jus take
"ONE DAY AT A TIME"
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by countrygirl2014 
I have stubbornly fought a lot of you tooth and nail over the subject of my alcoholic significant other. I am thinking too much at once but as my brain heals and clarity sets in, I realize I am shifting away from him. It's hard to tolerate alcoholic behavior. For the first time in my life, I am pretty sure I'm doing well. I have a stupid job, but it gets me by, I am active in AA and my recovery, I started college, my daughter is doing well in school, my mini farm is thriving, my art is actually selling, and I can remember every night and every morning...thank you universe for all of this. But...he hates it. He is causing problems where there isn't any, his drinking has suddenly increased, he crashed his truck last weekend, and he is telling everyone how awful I am. I won't let him drive my daughter anymore and that's a problem to him. I'm broke and in the middle of a semester. I can not just pick up and leave, but part of me wants to. My truck is in his name, my dog, my chickens, my rabbits, my turkeys, all of my daughters stuff...everything I live for is in this house. Am I just having an emotional night? I don't want to run from my problems anymore but I already know I can't fix this. I am an alcoholic! I am starting to understand the thought process. I'm just sharing my concerns for the evening, so I can sleep and not worry so much.
Jennifer
Jennifer
I don't read IM GONNA DRINK!!!!
Yer seeing alcohol was but a symptom of much deeper problems- problems that were either there when you were drinking or were waiting to you to stop drinking to materialize.
It can be quite common when one person in a relationship gets sober the other gets resentful. Here some things I'm gonna assume he's thinking and might not realize it:
He lost his drinking buddy and is resentful.
He lost someone to join in his misery.
He is fighting denial about his own problems with alcohol.
So, if getting sober and putting in the footwork to Change me and make ME and MY life better means I'm awful....yeah, Ill take it!!!
Yeah, her having an emotional night, but I think it's a good thing. Her not in denial about the problems that need to be addressed and dont want to run from them.
As for what to do with drunken other?
I'd suggest heading over to the friends and family forum here.
and
Call your sponsor
Turn to page 164 of your BB and read the last two paragraphs.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,358
Jennifer, dear countrygirl? Thank you for the lovely post! So full of growth, creativity, and responsibility. I believe that you will figure all this out in your own time. Start a personal savings account if you don't have one already.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,552
I am so grateful I stopped defending him. I wish I could comment on everyone's post, you all had something good to say. I WILL be taking all of these suggestions. And zen, I'm at four and a half months and it hit me last night. I'm afraid I've been with someone worse than me so I looked better. Ugh... Easy does it
Jennifer
Jennifer
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Country Girl:
Sounds like you're sure on the right track. Keep doing what you're doing. You can't fix him and unless he fixes himself he's not right for you. Your sobriety is all important to you and to your kids. Congratulations on getting on the right track. It's mighty tough at first but it's sure worth it!
W.
Sounds like you're sure on the right track. Keep doing what you're doing. You can't fix him and unless he fixes himself he's not right for you. Your sobriety is all important to you and to your kids. Congratulations on getting on the right track. It's mighty tough at first but it's sure worth it!
W.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Well you're doing something right at 4 and a half months!! So don't beat yourself up too much!! 
Sometimes dealing with both alcoholism plus being a family member of someone with a drink problem can be tough, but in some ways understanding things from both sides can compliment each other.
Hang in there!!
Sometimes dealing with both alcoholism plus being a family member of someone with a drink problem can be tough, but in some ways understanding things from both sides can compliment each other.
Hang in there!!
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