Janis

I'm going to a meeting in about 15 minutes but my disease has been talking to me telling me that I overreacted to my drinking. That I'm not really an alcoholic and I just think that I am. HOW INSANE IS THAT? What in the world?! After all I've been through I'm fighting my disease trying to rationalize that I don't have a problem and my problem was admitting I have a problem to those around me making them sensitive to my alcohol use. No joke this is what is going on in my brain.

I'm committing to staying sober today and just letting these insane thoughts go by. Playing the tape out in my head. I really don't understand this disease of the mind.

Just wanted to put it out there because we shouldn't keep secrets, espeically those that relate to drinking.

MIRecovery

Cunning, baffling, and powerful. Without help it is too much for us but there is one who has all power that one is God may you find him now.

I pray daily for the obsession and compulsion to be lifted from me for this day. So far this has worked pretty darn good for me.

SoberLeigh

Alcoholism knows no 'boundaries' and our AVs will tell us anything and everything to effect relapse, create chaos and cause damages in our lives.

Hope that the meeting goes well, Janis, and that you have the opportunity to share your feelings and concerns.

Ttspeirs

Just for today.one day at a time . These thoughts are called cognitive distortions trying to falsely justifying you to allow you to give in to something that is wrong , violating all your core values . They are just thoughts,they don't have to become actions . hang in there they will pass and as time goes on they will be less frequent .good on you for going to a meeting . I hope it helped you today
Trevor

Anna

I think that the AV puts up an extra fight when it senses that you are beginning to succeed. As you said, it's insane, so just let it go.

Bassmasters

What disease are you referring to?

Is this cancer, alzheimers... surely this isn't something that will-power can control. We can't be thinking that, and taking responsibility, right?

Okay good. A disease it is.

Soberwolf

I hate this disease/addiction/illness

Andante

Whoa there, snark boy.

The “disease” versus “choice” argument has been already beaten to death many times on these pages, with the conclusion that the reality defies being categorized so simply.

If quitting drinking was a simple matter of will power for you, great. But please don’t judge others for whom it isn’t.

Jsbodhi

Thats the same argument that my AV gives me too

tomsteve

Thank you for the flashback,Janis. I remember fighting te mental obsession and the times my thinker would say," maybe I'm not that bad."
But by the grace of God I didn't completely pickle my Brain and had a lot of memories if what alcohol did.
The fight and footwork of working the steps was worth it. Te 10th step promises happened.
And they will happen for you,too as long a ya keep fighting and put in the footwork.

Soberella66

It sure is! I always feel like I'm over-reacting too after going to a meeting and making phone calls for assessment appts for treatment which I always bag out on after a few days.
Worse is that so do many of my friends and family: "You're not an alcoholic"... "Just cut down"... "just have three glasses next time..." "Eat something before you start drinking". It's so much worse when the voice is coming from real people you trust.

heartcore

I wonder all the time if I am "really an alcoholic." People who love me tell me regularly that I am "definitely not an alcoholic." I sit in meetings listening to people and the mantra sings through my head for an hour "I'm not an alcoholic, oh, no, listen to that guy, nope, not me, I'm not an alcoholic, oh my god, no way, people really do that?"

I've been involved with 12 step programs almost my whole life. I've lost love relationships because of my behaviors with alcohol. Every poor decision in my life has been while using alcohol. I have health issues which require not drinking alcohol. I am able to better pursue fitness while not drinking alcohol. I am more beautiful when I don't drink alcohol. I like myself better when I don't drink alcohol.

So - bottom line - every day I wonder if I am an alcoholic, every day I decide that I am NOT an alcoholic, every day I choose sobriety because it doesn't matter for s*** if I am an alcoholic or not - my life is better when I choose not to drink.

You don't need to identify as a sex addict to have ethics and beliefs about what is right for your life in terms of relationships (I simply don't get involved in this or that because it isn't right for me...). You don't have to identify as a tobacoholic in order to quit smoking - shoot, you don't have to go to meetings for the rest of your life saying that you're a tobacoholic either to keep from taking a puff!

We get to decide why we want to quit, and we get to use whatever words to describe our challenges fit best. We also get to decide what aspects of recovery are most helpful to us and which ones don't feel supportive. I'm not sure that defining myself as an alcoholic makes me feel most healthy. I feel really strong when I just tell people "Oh, I don't drink." That feels fabulous.

I am trying to focus on just how fabulous it feels to be sober, and use less of the language that reflects despair or damage or decay...I notice that it makes me feel less strong. Some meetings use that language and others don't, and having just read your post and thought this through, I may stop going to the one meeting that really uses strong negative language in the addiction/alcoholism "stories." I have another meeting that I go to that focuses on growth inside sobriety, and it leaves me feeling positive and powerful afterward, whereas the one I just went to often leaves me feeling like something in my system is "damaged" and that is what it means to be "alcoholic."

freshstart57

I like that, HeartCore, wise words from the owl. We have enough experience now with alcohol to know what we must do, and we have an inner moral compass composed of ethics and beliefs that points us in the direction of how we can achieve it.

I will never drink again, but anyone who knows me will tell you I used to have plenty of faults, shortcomings and damage, and I bet I still do. I won't let these defects determine or affect my sobriety. I can't make a state of freedom from defect become a condition of my success.

Let me work on those shortcomings and find new ways to grow, but let me do it from a secure position of complete and permanent abstinence from alcohol.