Tetra

Thank you all for your replies. I do appreciate it.

The reason I am doing interviews is because I am only on a 9 month contract.

However my father said maybe to give the interviews a break for a little while. Enjoy this job while I have it. Spring is coming and the walk to work will be nice. Everything will look brighter.

My usual routine on weekdays is to go to the office, leave my bag and coat and go to the main building to check for post. I like that short walk to get my head together and have a few words with the mailman. Today I decided on my way back to go to the canteen and grab a take away coffee. I met one of the girls getting breakfast - she was away for a week and she said she heard I had an interview. I told her it was rather difficult and when she went up to pay for her own food, she told the cashier "I would like to pay for all of this and whatever Tetra is having". Sometimes the kindness of other people brings tears to my eyes.

My Grandmother and my dad said "See? They obviously think a lot of you".

So for the next while, I'm just going to take things day-by-day and try not to get too stressed out.

Anna

Tetra, other people see how capable and kind you are. You need to see that, too.

matilda123

Tetra, I have nothing to add to the good advice here except to say that you are a person of value and need to surround yourself with those who affirm that value.

Sending you peaceful and supportive thoughts.

Dee74

well in my case, being combative in response to my parents being combative escalated things to an insane degree.

IMO there's no need to get heated, swear, or make a big deal of it.

I think the worst thing you can do before going no contact with someone is tell them you're going no contract.

In my experience, it simply ensures contact (mostly angry and guilt provoking contact) will continue.

D

Soberpotamus

I agree with this

PurpleKnight

Very sorry to hear that you drank Tetra, but great job on standing up to your parents and choosing and deciding what YOU want to do in all of this!!

Great job!!

Fandy

Your father is directing how and when you go for a job interview???? WHY? You can do this yourself.

when your time is up and you find yourself unemployed, you will not be happy either. You will be unemployed and back to your parents house. Keep looking and searching for a good permanent job, you can be more selective when you are not desperate.

You need to stand up on your own 2 feet and stop relying on your parents opinions about what you should do...I only say this because it goes waaaay beyond parents advice, they like you dependent on them.

RevivingOphelia

Yeah, I disagree. Oh, I never said TELL them you are going no contact. Just the expletive and THEN no contact.

I would just ignore all calls etc. Delete messages without listening. Block.

Anyway, some of the best silence with my mother was after an explosive fight where I erupted at her unfair judgment. It was a beautiful silence that I needed to heal. I decided when to initiate contact. I also didn't tell her I was going to go no contact. I just did it.

There is power in, especially a woman, using her voice when she has been silenced due to oppression. If that takes a well-placed expletive, so be it.

Dee74

Hard for me to argue against a feminist position

I have a reasonable relationship with my folks now - I don't think that would have ever been possible under the old conflict fuelled regime.

I stopped trying to change them and changed me instead - and that made all the difference.

Bring the topic back to Tetra, I agree with the prevailing wisdom here...I think emotionally divorcing yourself from your parents for a bit would help you termendously, noy only in recovery but in working out who Tetra really is

Aellyce

My mother was very intrusive, not only with me but also with my father. Lots of negativity, criticizing, etc. And trying to compensate for this, plus provoke attention and affection in ways that could at times be very unhealthy behaviors... in fact, some of these had lasting damaging effects on me as I was growing up. I did blame her for a while, but processed all that a long time ago. I always knew that she loved us very much and did all this from a good will, not a bad one... but fact is, it often came out wrong. She had a very difficult childhood, grew up with foster parents that abused her and there was always just so much about her that she never let anyone access due to the hardships her experiences (and whatever else) left on her psychologically, I think. She was often very depressed and just generally very insecure. But someone who craved the love, affection, and belonging she never received in her youth... Unfortunately, she could not find this truly in her family with us either. I thought about her a lot, trying to understand her in retrospect after her passing... Our relationship in my childhood... and sometimes it broke my heart that I automatically distanced myself from her as a young child -- but I think it was only an automatic reaction to protect me. And I am grateful for whatever instinct I had to do this, otherwise it could have been troublesome for me, I believe.

Tetra, I can easily understand if you feel reluctant or even guilty to set boundaries with your parents, but think about it: it's not your fault or your responsibility to make up for whatever difficulties they might have endured in their own life that they are projecting on you in some form. We all deserve our own lives and loving, supportive people who are compatible with us in constructive ways. It's unfortunate that sometimes the incompatible ones are family members... but that is just how life can happen sometimes.