Home, Homeless, Homelessness?
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Home, Homeless, Homelessness?
Hi all. I'm putting this out there as its a large factor in mine or anyones recovery/life in general, and this is something I have known for a very long time.
Basically since I broke up with my ex 2 years ago I have been homeless - there is no other word for it. So, as I had spent all my money on her and the child that xmas finding out that she was cheating over the holidays left me out on the street. I had no income or money left, I literally had spent my last 100 filling her cupboards with food and also as we had agreed on a solid plan re our future which was now not going to work, I was F'd (over) basically. So, I rang about and stayed with an old friend in town for a few nights, then his brother for a few, then him again- eventually they stopped picking up, they were complaining about me drinking which was true, I was drinking all day hard, and which I was borrowing money to do so. Then I end up staying with a girl I know, her and her son I slept on their couch for a few weeks. She fed me etc and was a good mate for which I am grateful. I've since tried to repay the favor. I was in contact with a relative by then who said I could stay with her an hour away, and I was still borrowing money. I was trying to make contact with my ex to get my clothes if nothing else, but a wall of silence from her and her sisters and when in they did respond, they would neither let me collect them or leave them at a neutral location - They dropped them into my local! Which really made me feel disgraced. I had been in the same clothes for over a month at this point. I took an alcoholic fit of some description soon after, someone rang an ambulance and I ended up in hospital for the night. They discharged me but found me sleeping around there the following day so directed me to a homeless shelter… And I'm in a different town since then…
Basically since I broke up with my ex 2 years ago I have been homeless - there is no other word for it. So, as I had spent all my money on her and the child that xmas finding out that she was cheating over the holidays left me out on the street. I had no income or money left, I literally had spent my last 100 filling her cupboards with food and also as we had agreed on a solid plan re our future which was now not going to work, I was F'd (over) basically. So, I rang about and stayed with an old friend in town for a few nights, then his brother for a few, then him again- eventually they stopped picking up, they were complaining about me drinking which was true, I was drinking all day hard, and which I was borrowing money to do so. Then I end up staying with a girl I know, her and her son I slept on their couch for a few weeks. She fed me etc and was a good mate for which I am grateful. I've since tried to repay the favor. I was in contact with a relative by then who said I could stay with her an hour away, and I was still borrowing money. I was trying to make contact with my ex to get my clothes if nothing else, but a wall of silence from her and her sisters and when in they did respond, they would neither let me collect them or leave them at a neutral location - They dropped them into my local! Which really made me feel disgraced. I had been in the same clothes for over a month at this point. I took an alcoholic fit of some description soon after, someone rang an ambulance and I ended up in hospital for the night. They discharged me but found me sleeping around there the following day so directed me to a homeless shelter… And I'm in a different town since then…
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I spent nearly 6 months in that homeless shelter from then, and I got on a social welfare payment. So I continued drinking basically, I was hooked by that stage and you have to be out of there during the day anyway. Aside from the pub, I went to every office about town to see if I had options re housing, I invited my ex partner to attend a mediation session about the kid, went to offices about my 'rights' etc but I may well have been going around in circles - which I was. The remit of the homeless shelter is to help people find suitable accommodation and while I got on fine with all the staff and have nothing bad to say about them, ultimately they failed me in this. They said they were under serious pressure from the local council about me, and that I had to be gone by xmas unfortunately. In the meantime I am watching everyone else being looked after, something again I have noticed for a long time. So naturally I was in with the council trying to get on their thing, initially the told me to "go back where I am from" but I argued that (I was hoping to go back to college here) and they conceded and offered me a place on a scheme. Unfortunately after I had a found a place, they went awol on me for weeks, and my deadline came with the hostel. I can only assume someone was trying to force me into rough sleeping, that was the inevitable outcome and thats the vibe I get 'I haven't suffered enough' basically'. I don't know why. Luckily, I did not have to rough sleep through any of this part from 1 or 2 days, thats not to say that I haven't in the past though when I was younger…
So, "Where I'm from" … I'm not sure if I have ever had a 'home' basically. My upbringing was "hell" to quote the local doctor, so thats known and as for the 'home' thing, well its something that I have been acutely aware of for over half my life. I've never had a place to call 'home' basically. even when I was a teenager at home, apart the domestic violence/ mental & physical abuse (not my words) I witnessed and was subjected to on a daily basis, I never even had my own room man! Well I did, but anytime I did it up it would be tore back down, I'd be moved around, things I'd buy would be assimilated about the house (my first PC eg.). Decks and stuff thrown in the garden, all my room smashed up or moved about. And that has continued down there to this day… No stability in my life, is what I am talking about. No safety or security either. I used to work a lot when I was in school so I was trying to have my own lifestyle, but I used to spend most school evenings out with older lads drinking probably, or call around to some older dudes still for a smoke but I still had to go back to that.
So, "Where I'm from" … I'm not sure if I have ever had a 'home' basically. My upbringing was "hell" to quote the local doctor, so thats known and as for the 'home' thing, well its something that I have been acutely aware of for over half my life. I've never had a place to call 'home' basically. even when I was a teenager at home, apart the domestic violence/ mental & physical abuse (not my words) I witnessed and was subjected to on a daily basis, I never even had my own room man! Well I did, but anytime I did it up it would be tore back down, I'd be moved around, things I'd buy would be assimilated about the house (my first PC eg.). Decks and stuff thrown in the garden, all my room smashed up or moved about. And that has continued down there to this day… No stability in my life, is what I am talking about. No safety or security either. I used to work a lot when I was in school so I was trying to have my own lifestyle, but I used to spend most school evenings out with older lads drinking probably, or call around to some older dudes still for a smoke but I still had to go back to that.
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Eventually anyway I finished school just about, it wasn't easy as I had some legal troubles in my final years- me and my drinking buddies used to get in fights with lads from out of town was a kind of normal weekend then, they didn't like our style and vice versa. I don't agree with that behavior but it does go on and its a long time ago now. I never picked a fight but i got involved in some. I was the youngest of our group as well, so how I ended up taking most of the flack I still don't know. What I do know is that I was dealt with harshly on the street, in the courts and subsequently the local papers - I still have the scars and missing teeth to remind me of this confusing time, and my family law brief brought it up with me last week!!! Seriously, she was pressing me on public order offences I was involved in when I was a school kid, which was the best part of twenty years ago now!!! And were all drink related to begin with. That was my teens, I'm in my 30's now for f*ck sake! With 2 kids. So how relevant any of that, is what I'm getting at and hopefully will hear some opinions. It was relevant enough for my solicitor to quiz me about though!
Now to my point: I eventually healed from that dark period (to an extent?) when I left school and home in search of work. I had a few jobs in the town where I am now, living for the weekend as I was still a teen (17,18) so would work all week not really worried about the future and head out at the weekends in my flowery shirt, I was experiencing sleepless nights during the week though - the first of many since. But life was stable enough all things considered, had loads of friends. Work dried up here and most of my buddies finished college so I got a job closer to home then with a financial institution and stayed there for a few years. Bought my first car, had loads of mates, was persuing my little DJ hobbie there were some good nights. Was in a relationship, got on great with my colleagues, was liked and respected etc. The goal of work? Well to keep advancing and own a home someday. My own sanctuary where I could live in peace and pursue my musical interests, without having to fight anyone or deal with BS. Peace is the operative word, its not much to ask for in this world. Well thats always been the vision anyway…
Now to my point: I eventually healed from that dark period (to an extent?) when I left school and home in search of work. I had a few jobs in the town where I am now, living for the weekend as I was still a teen (17,18) so would work all week not really worried about the future and head out at the weekends in my flowery shirt, I was experiencing sleepless nights during the week though - the first of many since. But life was stable enough all things considered, had loads of friends. Work dried up here and most of my buddies finished college so I got a job closer to home then with a financial institution and stayed there for a few years. Bought my first car, had loads of mates, was persuing my little DJ hobbie there were some good nights. Was in a relationship, got on great with my colleagues, was liked and respected etc. The goal of work? Well to keep advancing and own a home someday. My own sanctuary where I could live in peace and pursue my musical interests, without having to fight anyone or deal with BS. Peace is the operative word, its not much to ask for in this world. Well thats always been the vision anyway…
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Now to my actual point: I'l try to be brief as I can go on a bit. Basically my girl got pregnant, we had been together for a few years so we moved in together, this was all new to me but however- she upped and packed her bags one night over something stupid and never came back, leaving me to pay the rent and try to figure out what was happening. I was going in to work but started feeling like crap, taking days off holiday and eventually I couldn't afford to pay the rent and there was no point, I think I was already off work with depression at this point. Gave up that place and moved in with a mate, he had broke up with his girl and wanted to party but I was the opposite we were at odds and that didn't last long. The child was born then and I moved back into town with more sensible lads, she used to bring the baby over every day which was great but I was depressed asf, it didn't help that I had to nanny to lads not to drink or smoke and there were 7 of us in a tiny apartment at times (3 couples and the baby) so that wasn't going to work. I rented a small house on my own to make things easier but the plumbing was a mess so moved after 6 months to another house in the estate, same problem so I was on the lookout again.
I was still depressed at this time, her and the baby used to stay 3 nights a week but never more (a legal thing, her and her mother have all this planned since day dot seemingly) and the rest of the week I spent alone drinking mainly. I still had mates and would let them call around occasionally but mainly I was avoiding people and wanted to be alone. I was listening to rock music! My decks were packed away, I had no interest in any of that - far too happy for me. I was playing my keyboard a bit! Really haunted stuff, I used to play along to the songs I was listening to basically. Oh and my father was hounding me at this stage. He would just show up, invite himself in and land a load of problems on me, the same crap I been listening to my whole life basically. I used to try to reason with him, in that did he not understand I was facing the same problems myself, and that it was worse in that my life had not even really begun? Seemingly not. I used to hide a lot from him, my heart would skip a beat whenever I heard the doorbell so that want so helpful. Anyways I have some strange mixed emotions about that time as I learned a lot about music I think!
http://youtu.be/T13se_2A7c8 The Doors - Yes, The River Knows - YouTube http://youtu.be/hWWFZoTNrEs etc…
Me and my keyboard lol. And I still haven't got that back
I was still depressed at this time, her and the baby used to stay 3 nights a week but never more (a legal thing, her and her mother have all this planned since day dot seemingly) and the rest of the week I spent alone drinking mainly. I still had mates and would let them call around occasionally but mainly I was avoiding people and wanted to be alone. I was listening to rock music! My decks were packed away, I had no interest in any of that - far too happy for me. I was playing my keyboard a bit! Really haunted stuff, I used to play along to the songs I was listening to basically. Oh and my father was hounding me at this stage. He would just show up, invite himself in and land a load of problems on me, the same crap I been listening to my whole life basically. I used to try to reason with him, in that did he not understand I was facing the same problems myself, and that it was worse in that my life had not even really begun? Seemingly not. I used to hide a lot from him, my heart would skip a beat whenever I heard the doorbell so that want so helpful. Anyways I have some strange mixed emotions about that time as I learned a lot about music I think!
http://youtu.be/T13se_2A7c8 The Doors - Yes, The River Knows - YouTube http://youtu.be/hWWFZoTNrEs etc…
Me and my keyboard lol. And I still haven't got that back
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So whats the point you wonder? I'm getting there: I found a place anyway but it was the other side of town, a real nice place in fact an apartment. I took it anyway and stayed there for over 4 years, for me to say it was the best of times it was the worst of times would be an understatement! The problem was you see, I was claiming a rent supplement from the govt after losing my job and the woman who administers that in the area doesn't like me very much. I know this because she came up on the street and threatened me once, I have some history with her daughter going back to my teenage days. Many years had obviously passed, but I didn't realize this woman has absolute power over housing and rent agreements for people out of work where I am from and she just made it a nightmare from day 1. It took almost a year for her to approve my application, so that was stressful I was out of dollars after a month so I had to hold the landlord off on a promise for that length! And I was diagnosed with clinical depression/anxiety at the time, was trying the meds too I think but she just turned the heat up on me! I was minding my own business, had the kid there every other day as his creche was beside me. Alcohol was under control but in there and yes I was depressed but struggling along, I was glad of the break from my father but I never got any peace in that place. She was trying to make me homeless now in hindsight. Anyway, the landlords got their money after year one but I was a bit pissed by this stage, that was a lot of undue stress and I already had a lot which was acknowledged medically, I started leaning more and more on alcohol but still kept it together. I was beginning to come out of my shell eventually i.e. leave the house and guess what she did it again!!! Pulled my rent claim this time for 18 months, again dumping a load of unnecessary stress on me and my drink and drug seeking amped…
I snapped and had a breakdown during this, I was already losing everything in my life- my motivation, my work, my hobbie, my friends as they were all partying and I wasn't, my partner and the future we had planned together, my family situation was a mess. And now this woman was trying to take the roof from over my head! I ended up in the mental hospital during that as I was drinking constantly and looking to the doctors for drugs. I wanted to die basically, but I was getting glimmers of hope from the drugs I was taking mainly weed but I had read about other things as well, it was a strange combination wanting to die and fly at the same time. That lady pushed me over the edge for sure… When I left the rehab clinic (early) I just didn't give a F tbh, I'd snapped I was sick of trying to be patient and do things right I just wanted to get high and try anything to change my suicidal mindset basically. Weed helped a lot but alcohol didn't, I couldn't separate any drugs at the time it was just F'n 'keep going man'. I started balling into the pub then on a mission, I had uppers and downers, good weed and a serious obsession with alcohol, I was looking for all and any drugs then which I did find cos I was on a quest! But I wasn't being responsible, I just was up for anything that seemed like fun and I had built up this impenetrable type persona which was totally was totally false and fueled by alcohol - I was putting out this 'I'm a crazy guy do not mess with me' vibe which wasn't true at all but it did get me more drugs somehow! Don't ask me how, its all a blur but I was more active for one thing. I was off my head basically…
I snapped and had a breakdown during this, I was already losing everything in my life- my motivation, my work, my hobbie, my friends as they were all partying and I wasn't, my partner and the future we had planned together, my family situation was a mess. And now this woman was trying to take the roof from over my head! I ended up in the mental hospital during that as I was drinking constantly and looking to the doctors for drugs. I wanted to die basically, but I was getting glimmers of hope from the drugs I was taking mainly weed but I had read about other things as well, it was a strange combination wanting to die and fly at the same time. That lady pushed me over the edge for sure… When I left the rehab clinic (early) I just didn't give a F tbh, I'd snapped I was sick of trying to be patient and do things right I just wanted to get high and try anything to change my suicidal mindset basically. Weed helped a lot but alcohol didn't, I couldn't separate any drugs at the time it was just F'n 'keep going man'. I started balling into the pub then on a mission, I had uppers and downers, good weed and a serious obsession with alcohol, I was looking for all and any drugs then which I did find cos I was on a quest! But I wasn't being responsible, I just was up for anything that seemed like fun and I had built up this impenetrable type persona which was totally was totally false and fueled by alcohol - I was putting out this 'I'm a crazy guy do not mess with me' vibe which wasn't true at all but it did get me more drugs somehow! Don't ask me how, its all a blur but I was more active for one thing. I was off my head basically…
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Whats the point again??? The point is that woman, and therefore that whole office as she seems to have full control was basically hounding me out of where I was living and ultimately where I am from even though I was very depressed and actually suicidal at the time. This is the office that is actually supposed to help people who are out of work, not drive them to despair I'm sure. I did end up taking an overdose in that place as I had had suicidal thoughts the whole way through but the only good thing I take from that is that it made me evaluate a lot, mainly my suicidal thoughts and I made a resolve to try and get my life back. Unfortunately things have gone steadily downhill since despite my efforts, and that whole experience with her office (for years) left me on this anti-government type buzz that I acted out on the internet, really now in hindsight its just this one individual/office I had a problem with I don't even believe some of the stuff I was looking at, it was all new to me that. Anyways 'the party' was over once I took that OD, I never went back to the apt but I kept it on for a while until I made my decision but it just didn't seem right after that. Though my mindset has improved but I have had a lot of knocks since, and there just doesn't seem an end in sight. Obviously that lady won her battle, easy enough though when all she had to do was press a button, she was persistent at that.
The point is that I have been hounded out of where I was living, even though I had the support of my landlords who were local business people. I was hounded out of the community, even though I had mate theres, my family, everyone I know basically fair enough I did myself no favors going off the rails but thats not the issue here. What does everybody think about that??? Is it business as usual? I dont think so, this has never happened to anyone I know, everybody else is living in harmony, if they run into difficulty they are looked after by the community (her office). Does anyone agree that I should be still paying for things that happened when I was a teenager??? Regardless of my own circumstances then, or the fact that I was already punished 3fold back then and rather brutally tbh looking back. Because I don't. I'm not a bad guy or a criminal, I used to wonder if i would do better that way but its a mute basically, as I'm not. So now, because of this woman her offices vendetta I have lost a lot and don't feel I can practically live anymore in peace or otherwise given she controls the area with regards to housing, I just can't do battle anymore. It aint no thing in me. And neither am I a teenager no more, I'm in my 30's man with two kids, one is 9 this year and the other is 3. What am I supposed to do???
The point is that I have been hounded out of where I was living, even though I had the support of my landlords who were local business people. I was hounded out of the community, even though I had mate theres, my family, everyone I know basically fair enough I did myself no favors going off the rails but thats not the issue here. What does everybody think about that??? Is it business as usual? I dont think so, this has never happened to anyone I know, everybody else is living in harmony, if they run into difficulty they are looked after by the community (her office). Does anyone agree that I should be still paying for things that happened when I was a teenager??? Regardless of my own circumstances then, or the fact that I was already punished 3fold back then and rather brutally tbh looking back. Because I don't. I'm not a bad guy or a criminal, I used to wonder if i would do better that way but its a mute basically, as I'm not. So now, because of this woman her offices vendetta I have lost a lot and don't feel I can practically live anymore in peace or otherwise given she controls the area with regards to housing, I just can't do battle anymore. It aint no thing in me. And neither am I a teenager no more, I'm in my 30's man with two kids, one is 9 this year and the other is 3. What am I supposed to do???
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And I know the easy answer: Just get a job, get your own place and be done with that. Thats true! Thats a great plan, I never envisaged myself being dependent on handouts or social housing schemes and I don't want to be. Unfortunately though, I don't own any property, or I won't be able to get a mortgage any time soon working or not - that was away the plan but life is happening now and not 5, 10, or 15 years down the line. And life is passing me by. Everybody needs to live somewhere, well its not looking good for me I'm on the sidelines and I'm not even human now apparently.
Anyone have any thoughts? It's not a pity party! And I'm not exactly looking for advice but feel free to offer it, I would definatley like to hear some thoughts. Hell, you can berate me if you want! There won't be an argument, I harbor no resentment to the world or anyone in it, so long as I'm not drinking anyway but thats nothing new here...
Anyone have any thoughts? It's not a pity party! And I'm not exactly looking for advice but feel free to offer it, I would definatley like to hear some thoughts. Hell, you can berate me if you want! There won't be an argument, I harbor no resentment to the world or anyone in it, so long as I'm not drinking anyway but thats nothing new here...
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woah dude.
There's a lot to digest here Stratman - this might be the longest post I've ever seen here at SR.....
Give me a chance to read and digest it properly - try and stay patient and I'm sure you'll get other replies too
D
There's a lot to digest here Stratman - this might be the longest post I've ever seen here at SR.....
Give me a chance to read and digest it properly - try and stay patient and I'm sure you'll get other replies too
D
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Thanks for sharing all that Stratman.
Don't you think we need to reach a line when we let go of the past tho?
Shouldn't our focus be on today and what we can make of it?
what is holding you back from finding a job, saving up and getting that place of your own - even if, for now, it's a renter and not 'yours'?
I'm not sure what to say about the woman - I know in my country there are avenues of appeal...there's also the local media if official channels bring no results...
but really...all thats in the past too, or it should be.
Unless there's something I missed there's no reason why you cant move on with your life.
Get a job - even if it's flipping burgers, whatever - save up and get your own place in spirit if not in deed and title - sidestep the whole government bureaucracy and what ever personality conflicts you may have.
Don't you think we need to reach a line when we let go of the past tho?
Shouldn't our focus be on today and what we can make of it?
what is holding you back from finding a job, saving up and getting that place of your own - even if, for now, it's a renter and not 'yours'?
I'm not sure what to say about the woman - I know in my country there are avenues of appeal...there's also the local media if official channels bring no results...
but really...all thats in the past too, or it should be.
Unless there's something I missed there's no reason why you cant move on with your life.
Get a job - even if it's flipping burgers, whatever - save up and get your own place in spirit if not in deed and title - sidestep the whole government bureaucracy and what ever personality conflicts you may have.
Last edited by Dee74; 02-06-2015 at 12:55 AM.
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Haha. Man thats the short version, you should have seen it as one post. I could have split it in twice as many for ease of reading.
Luckily its not any emergency, I just really needed to get that off my chest. So its predominately a vent and its in that tone to an extent, but its an interesting story, not a whine and certainly it is all true.
So if anyone does read it, I absolutely would appreciate if they leave a comment. I was lying in bed thinking about this all evening so I wanted to get it out or it probably wouldn't be the last time, it definitely was not the first either.
Luckily its not any emergency, I just really needed to get that off my chest. So its predominately a vent and its in that tone to an extent, but its an interesting story, not a whine and certainly it is all true.
So if anyone does read it, I absolutely would appreciate if they leave a comment. I was lying in bed thinking about this all evening so I wanted to get it out or it probably wouldn't be the last time, it definitely was not the first either.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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While I've never been in your situation, why not start with small steps? Certainly for me dwelling on my past mistakes and woes leaves me powerless to change. I know I need to decide I want to be happy before anything else. I really wish you the best.
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
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Stratman, that was a heck of a story. Thank you for sharing.
I have a story too - abusive parents, homelessness, illness, etc.
Yes, you have suffered, and I understand your feelings of helplessness and anger, but I agree with Dee.
It WAS.
It's gone, in the past. I realised I had two choices- continue to feel sorry for myself or move on with the realisation that I and only I could take my life and make it the way I want it to be.
It takes work and determination but that feels kind of good.
I hope you can move forward with hope, Stratman-whatever your situation, you are sober, and that is awesome.
I have a story too - abusive parents, homelessness, illness, etc.
Yes, you have suffered, and I understand your feelings of helplessness and anger, but I agree with Dee.
It WAS.
It's gone, in the past. I realised I had two choices- continue to feel sorry for myself or move on with the realisation that I and only I could take my life and make it the way I want it to be.
It takes work and determination but that feels kind of good.
I hope you can move forward with hope, Stratman-whatever your situation, you are sober, and that is awesome.
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Holy cow! We have an SR world record right here.
If you leave the bottle behind, as well as everything else that happened in the past, every painful memory, you are now. And now, is all we have, and must accept the now, even if it's good, bad, or just pure hell.
Then you are sitting in front of your book of life. The pages for your future are all blank. Greatest thing about sobriety, is that you get to write your life story as you wish. So how you want the story to unfold is the question that needs reflection.
Good luck!
If you leave the bottle behind, as well as everything else that happened in the past, every painful memory, you are now. And now, is all we have, and must accept the now, even if it's good, bad, or just pure hell.
Then you are sitting in front of your book of life. The pages for your future are all blank. Greatest thing about sobriety, is that you get to write your life story as you wish. So how you want the story to unfold is the question that needs reflection.
Good luck!
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Stratman you will never find satisfaction in seeking justice from the past, the only way to deal with it is to draw a line behind your heels and move forward. Your child needs a father to guide him confidently into the future.
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I'm so sorry, Stratman.
You know that one thing you definitely have power over at this point is staying sober. You have made a decision not to drink and use, and that will be your ticket to a saner life. The more time goes by, the clearer your head will become, and the more rationally you'll be able to investigate your options and determine where to go from here.
Your life has a real purpose for good. Trust in your HP, and you will find it, and it will eventually come to fruition.
You have already brought a lot of joy to us here on SR. Don't lose hope.
You know that one thing you definitely have power over at this point is staying sober. You have made a decision not to drink and use, and that will be your ticket to a saner life. The more time goes by, the clearer your head will become, and the more rationally you'll be able to investigate your options and determine where to go from here.
Your life has a real purpose for good. Trust in your HP, and you will find it, and it will eventually come to fruition.
You have already brought a lot of joy to us here on SR. Don't lose hope.
The Long and Winding Road....
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Brisbane QLD
Posts: 897
I understand that you have suffered stratman
you are not alone in that unfortunately
many of us here have, myself included
you are in the right place
stay sober and life gets better
peace
v
you are not alone in that unfortunately
many of us here have, myself included
you are in the right place
stay sober and life gets better
peace
v
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