Spacegoat

And I'm sorry guys that I'm not exactly coming across like a ray of sunshine in these threads! Because they are personal, and it has not been an easy time that I have described (don't get me wrong I have had great times in life too its just gone pear shaped and pretty much was to begin with, I'm just trying to fathom what I can do to make things better basically) so there is no point in my trying to describe my situation in optimistic terms, as I'm really not optimistic the past few years by default. And thats what I'm worried about…

End game man I'm still trying to digest your comments and I was expecting you here! And I appreciate it, and you are right about some things. But you are exaggerating some things tbf. I haven't exactly railed against a load of institutions and people, ok I am not cool with that woman and her office (people have said much worse about her) but apart from that, the homeless shelter & the council - I never said a bad word? The people were fine, but my experience was exactly as I described it. Nothing happened, And they told me to F off in not so many words firstly, then just ignored me basically.

And they knew how vulnerable I was, now theres an observation for you. I could be more PC probably but hey, Im not perfect and I never claimed to be and I am just exhausted and jaded here man based on that whole situation, nobody disagrees that was a difficult situation and I consider myself lucky I didn't damn lose my mind. Rehab would have been perfect then in retrospect. I didn't sleep for the first month here not one wink, for 3 and a half weeks anybody ever go through that? I had a brave face on through all that and thought I was doing good so, I just don't understand a lot of stuff… Ok I'm rambling now. Up all night again.

Spacegoat

Your right about the interpersonal style and defensiveness though. And those things I do carry IRL. I don't know, I'm just not altogether comfortable with my emotions man I was an emotional wreck for years so I'm pretty intent on not going back to that. That doesn't make me a psychopath though (which the jury is apparently out on around here). I didn't say either dude that counseling is either rubbish, nonesense, or hasn't worked for me - I haven't actually done any of it. Oh I went to one session when I was drinking yes, seething with rage from the lies I (still have to) endure so I've been working on that myself. I'm not so angry now. But my file isn't good I know that much

Aellyce

So you do get something out of talking about yourself, having others listen, make comments, and interact with you? And like to reflect on the feedback?

Spacegoat

Well it passes the time anyway! Kinda feel guilty replying to other threads and not some comments here too. I read yours it was good, I haven't broken it down yet though and I wonder is there any point. I do absolutely intend to reflect on the feedback, but I've been toying with the idea here that by breaking replies down (which I tend to do) that I may be pre-digesting thus negating them to a degree, what you think about that? I think it might be somehow true psychologically, not sure…

Spacegoat

I'm fricking lonely man if I'm honest! Not surprisingly

Plus I've said a lot of things here that I would not feel comfortable IRL

Spacegoat

I'm kinda viewing this as a counselling/therapy/confession tbh

And I don't feel super self-conscious here, which I always do IRL.

It's a large part of why I drank that. Well theres your answer...

LBrain

I never thought I would ever say this...
Stratman, you need to go to AA and find a sponsor (or two) and work through the steps. Really

Aellyce

I think that you should do what you find helpful with the comments. It's not about pleasing others or fulfilling perceived expectations of other people, it's your life. I personally really enjoy constructive criticism, being challenged, even if it seems tough and defies my momentary feelings. But I've been around people who communicate like that in my whole life, so it's natural for me. But sometimes just a few kind words, a pat on the back, or a subtle gesture of understanding and fellowship is enough. Depends.

I think that more than anything, you should "respond" to comments inside your head as honestly as you can. I personally enjoy introspection very much, too much in fact... and also to discuss it with people. But you can choose the way you do it here, it's not some sort of structured program or scheduled therapy approach. I have the impression that you would enjoy dialogue though... just have too much going on in your head right now. So, let it out, that's what this board is for.

Now how to actually process comments... that depends on many things I would say: the topic, the style of the comment, your cognitive and emotional style, and what sort of automatic reactions you generate to it in your head. Then, not least, how you want to use the comment and interactions with the person who commented. I always do a lot of analysis in my head and also in my interactions (part of this approach is "breaking it down" as you said, taking it apart and looking at it from many angles). But I also do just as much intuitive kind of association: take a comment and let my mind run with it freely. Then spit out the associations if I want, see additional feedback. I sometimes tend to go really abstract with this and on many tangents, using lots of over-the-map connections, imagery, whatnot... like you, music, too This kind of intuitive wandering is usually really fun and meaningful for me (one can analyze the seemingly random associations) but it's not always appropriate in every situation and with every person, in my view at least. For more analytical type processing, I usually like to take my time and not be super fast and spontaneous. And often "redo" it multiple times about the same topic -- usually it evolves.

I can see that you do crave freedom in your life and in your interaction, but at the same time you are afraid of it and uncertain. So, practice here on SR if you wish. No more risk-free environment than here, really. And you won't be changed $ for it

Finally, I know that your mind is restless right now, but try to get some more conventional rest. You know, sleep at night and similar animals.

P.S.: Face-to-face therapy can get a little more freaky at times in my experience, but there are many aspects we can only experience and use that way, in part because that interaction goes on multiple channels, many non-verbal. I love that (unspoken) stuff, too.

Spacegoat

Thats a really well tailored observant and comprehensive comment! Thanks.

I've read it 3 times. I could just go all 'wavy' but I'm actually going to sleep on that

And LBrain you might be right, I have been thinking about them. Peace

Spacegoat

Here's a question. We have to examine closely a lifetime of repressed and conflicting emotions if we are to ever be free of them am I right?

Dee74

Speaking for myself, I used to think that - but my experience has kinda suggested the opposite.

I didn't have to minutely examine everything in my past in order to make the decision to let it go...I just let it go.

I did the minute examination and living in my head thing for decades and all it seemed to do was go round and round and keep me drinking and/or unhappy.

When I stopped drinking I found that not only did my head get clearer, eventually, but all that old baggage seemed to matter less.

I began to focus on the 'now' rather than the 'then'.

It wasn't an event, it was a process, but yeah...my experience, but maybe finding out the why of things is not as important as you might think stratman?

D

EndGameNYC

It's been my experience that action precedes insight, or any freedom that may accrue from insight. If taking action is random or only a repetition of past actions that haven't lead to change, then we're only repeating our personal narratives. What's often most enlightening is doing what we don't want to do, what we'd never imagine we'd do, or doing what's most uncomfortable for us, within ethical and legal limits of course, and with the aim of bringing ourselves to a better place.

I've known plenty of people who could trace their personal threads back several decades and to early childhood with all kinds of astute and perceptive analyses of what happened, why it happened, and how it is that what happened brought them to where they are today. Armed with a dossier of past internal conflicts alone, they remained miserable in the present. Yet many also remained adamant that working through repressed feelings and conflicts is the only way to go.

No, none of that ever worked for me. I know who I am by what I do, not by what I think or by what I believe is in my heart.

Spacegoat

It is man, I'm just not a superficial person and I cannot live like this.

I'v put so many confusing things in perspective. I found out who my friends are - nobody. I know who I can trust now - nobody. I know when I am going to be getting back with my ex partner - never. I'm not a homebird. Now I can finally heal.

I've been engaged in intense psychotherapy on myself before and was making good progress. Found out I'm not bad person, mystery solved. Discovered I was an unloved/unwanted child, mystery solved. Found out that doesn't make me a bad person, or potentially anyone else. I found out that we must confront the truth within ourselves in order to be free of the past, which is why I'm disagreeing here. Thats about as far as I got before things took a turn for the worse.

Spacegoat

I've since learned that I do not handle stress very well (always turned to drink without realizing how much that negated my development), that my life was not supposed to be that compromised by people I cared about and that I had no lasting peace ever basically, without which I can never be truly free (internally) and happy.

So those are tools and things I have learned going forward, but that changes nothing now. The idea of sticking a band aid on my soul just makes me ill, and learning how to carry the baggage with the least discomfort is what took me down in the first place. I need to be free of it. And then apply the coping strategies for living in peace. If i could be free of the past and find somewhere to live in peace, I would be the happiest burger flipper around believe that bro.

So no offense. I have no idea how I'm going to achieve it. It may have been easier in the past, if anyone has suggestions fire them out please...

Spacegoat

Why I wish I knew what I know now when I was young http://youtu.be/1_xwnb3cymc

Dee74

I didn't expect you'd agree with me Stratman

Just don't spend so much time in the past that you miss any more of the present....

I went there and back
Just to see how far it was
And you, you tried to tell me
But I had to learn for myself

Faces, Debris.

D

suki44883

I believe we can "think" things to death. All that does is make us go off on tangents that don't really deal with the problem at hand. If you drink too much, you need to figure out how to stop doing that. After you have accomplished that, you can delve into the past and try to figure out why you were okay with slowly destroying yourself.

Take one thing at a time. The most imperative thing is to find a way to stop drinking for the long term. You can do it. Don't analyze every minute particle of your life right now. That can come later, if you still feel the need to do that.

Spacegoat

Thanks guys!

End game I had a reply typed up but F it, something unusual is just after happening here. I just a striking epiphany. And I have had literal waves of joy rolling over me for the past 15 minutes.

How is this even possible all I did was access a memory I think. Thats amazing, the sheer elation of it. How long will it last I wonder, well I may as well enjoy it! Shop is closed for now, Lol

Aellyce

Are you sober now, bud?

LBrain

Dee: "I didn't have to minutely examine everything in my past in order to make the decision to let it go...I just let it go."

^^^^ This is one of the best pieces of advice. Something I had to do. I would drive myself insane going over and dissecting everything that was wrong with my past. I needed dynamite to blast myself out of my head. I still haven't completely sealed the entrance back into the cave but it is almost closed up.


++++++++++++++++

I just read endgame's response, yeah, that is exactly what I'm talking about in a different language...