Aellyce

Hey Strat.

What a share! You really reminded me of a younger myself with this thread and with writing about your story and your thoughts. I used to share mine in a similar way, but back then not on message boards with lots of people, I did with my intimate partners and friends. Lots and lots of emails, I wrote them both sober and drunk. Often once I started, I could not stop writing for a whole day.

What I would like to comment on now is not about details of your story, more about the big picture. My thoughts may well be mental projections because I don't know you enough to be able to judge it appropriately. But I have an impression that while you complain about not having a place in life, not "owning" your life so to speak, I feel that you perhaps have been avoiding these in most of your life so far. Avoided living in good ol' practical reality and dealing with it's "ordinary" everyday affairs in a satisfying way (for you). Drinking and drugging is one of the most typical escape routes we tend to choose in this context... I definitely did that, and it was very hard to let go of my crazyworld because with my mindset back then, I really felt I much preferred to live in my head, no matter what madness inhabited it. And I always felt subjectively that I never wanted to own anything... the less surplus the more perceived freedom. I have a property in my home country, but it's only because it's my father's home... I've been renting in my whole life so far, and moved around tons. And I'm older than you.

So in my case, I figured all this was basically manifestations of my fears of commitment, and the sense of "freedom" and independence I had was actually a false sense of it. In reality, I was terrified of the freedom of responsibility and of being truly embodied in practical reality. So these days, most of the progress I'm making is coming from trying to set my feet in what we could call "ordinary reality" -- and I won't say I always like it. Still very inclined to escape into my head, into my fantasy world, etc. However, what gives me the only true sense of progress now is to try to create my balance between flexibility and settling, independence and commitment, not being tied down by too much material belongings but also have enough to provide a truer sense of security than what I can obtain from boundless wandering. And I find the sense of freedom coming from taking responsibility for not only my own choices but also for things that go far beyond myself (eg. in my work) is more liberating than anything else I'd experienced before. In a more mature way. Of course it's also terrifying at times, that's normal part of the construct, I think. For me, committing to permanent sobriety was not only a huge deal in terms of improving my health and my live, but also an important step in my spiritual development such that I really feel my philosophies are more aligned.

I feel that you have a gift of being able think and feel deeply, and you could use this absolutely to your advantage, but it would have to be combined with acceptance and not seeking escape routes. I would say that the acute sense of "homelessness" you feel now probably signals an important wish you have, and something to work towards. I am sure your having a child already provides a good reference point in terms of commitment, something to work with and to work around.

So what I suggest is that you start seriously planning what you would like to achieve in your short term future. Set realistic goals, break it down to smaller parts, and start working on them. This might also help pull you out of your head and of your depression a little. You are right: it's not useful to dwell on the past much, but it's useful to take our lessons and learn from them. Also, I don't believe that we can purely "let go" of everything from our past... some of these things we probably carry forever as imprints in our minds and in our hearts, and it's not necessarily a bad thing, in fact it can be good ground for growth. Life experience, which can help us make better choices in the future if we use it in a healthy way. It's a well-known fact that we are altered by experienced throughout our lives -- they affect mechanisms in our brains.

You can absolutely get out of living with other people and inside your head, it may just take some firm commitment, hard work, and time to work towards those goals.

Spacegoat

Theres some awesome advice on this thread I can't wait to come back and reply to posts properly, I'm not done yet though theres a few whacky stories left and they are just the ones I can talk about! Yurt

As someone said though- about the girl: I was definitely better off finding out now as opposed to another decade down the line how true is that. There but for the grace of God go I...

No truer words have been spoken...http://youtu.be/o_lPHjn0Aqk… (dope & disko baby!) I better leave it at that for now. I need some rest, it's been emotional.

I'm going to post some tunes for someone in another thread first as I've been banging them out all night & day so may as well strike while the iron is hot there.

Speak to you later

INgal

I can'tbegin to understand what you're going through, Stratman, but if you are near a metropolitan area there should be a network of businesses that hire the homeless. I think having a job would give you a sense of self-worth. Playing again would also, so maybe you could find some jam nights in coffeehouses (not bars). Getting rid f those chains that bind you, alcohol & drugs, will be your first step towards independence. Good luck to you & hang in there!

Soberpotamus

I sensed an incredible amount of pain behind your prior posts, Stratman. This confirms it all.

I'm sorry you experienced those things in your past. I can actually relate to some of it.

But I do hope you will be open to some of these suggestions. I have recommended a book to you in one of your prior threads, and I think it still might be very helpful for you if you could get your hands on it.

Just remember that you deserve to be free from your past and that pain. And you can be.

Just a couple years ago, I had a sudden realization, an epiphany maybe... that I was carrying a whole lot of residual pain from my childhood, in the sense that even though I was quite aware of it all, there seemed to be this unspoken rule as if some phantom person held this mandate over me... that I wasn't to let go of it all. Like I was mostly free, except for this grip I had and just wouldn't let go.

Anyway, you are allowed to let go

Soberpotamus

And one more thing... there's also an incredible amount of strength to tap into once you've survived these types of things. You're a survivor!

Gilmer

I had a friend who made a simple mistake and got charged with a felony with very serious social repercussions. Social services almost took her kids away, although she was an excellent mother. Instead of telling her personally that he was very sorry for her trouble, our pastor expressed his sympathies to her husband.

Immediately she developed rage at the pastor and hated him with a passion. She couldn't speak of anything else. What she had been through with the felony was a total nightmare, and her life changed in an instant. She deservedly felt that she needed at least a simple "I'm sorry" from the one who was supposed to care for her soul!

I'm no psychiatrist, but it seemed like she'd been through a severe mental trauma. I knew from my experience with my own post-partum depression that the best thing the counselor ever did was let me vent.

I vented and vented about my horrible life--then in three months I was just done.

In ordinary life my friend was a fine and loving Christian woman; however, after the catastrophe, all that could come out of her mouth was venom. Others corrected her, telling her to be more Christlike; to own up to her sin and forgive the pastor.

She couldn't even fathom such talk at that point. Her hurt was too deep.

So I decided to do for her what my counselor had done for me: I took her out to coffee once a week and just let her spew for an hour each time. Again and again she trashed the pastor. She was a broken record of hate.

She did this for seven whole months; then one day she was just done. The poison was all out in a safe place, and the rage was all gone. She never felt great warmth for the pastor again, but the hate had dissipated and she was able as a Christian to forgive his error in judgment.

I hope this is your safe place to spew all the poison out, Stratman. Rip it all out by the roots for as long as it takes, a piece at a time--and then you will be done and free to move on at last.

I hope this rings true for you. May God bless you.

newhope01

Hello stratman, we've met before in the chat rooms a few weeks ago. I appreciate you taking the time to share your story with us and I hope that it was cathartic for you.

I know you said this but it seems to me as I was reading your story, it was full of resentments. Of course you developed them for good reasons but these resentments you harbor can't possibly be helping you achieve your goals?

You already got a lot of positive advice from some folks here but I just wanted to reiterate that the best thing you can do for yourself is stay sober and work on releasing some of these resentments. Forgiveness is a powerful gift and it may do wonders for your new sober life.

hopeful4

Wow.

I just want to say that here in the US there are Landlord/Tenant laws which are very strict. If they were not being abided by, you should go up the chain to the state level if you have to. HUD could likely counsel you on that. EVERYONE who works has a boss.

Also I will say there are laws about how to evict someone. If your residence is established over 30 days at a residence, you have to be given written notice and in most states 30 days to move out.

Just throwing these things out there, you may already know all of this.

It sounds like a different town would be good for you, maybe even a different state.

I wish you luck.

Wholesome

I remember after I left my abusive marriage after getting punched in the face and then held down and head butted in the nose by the nasty bully I was full of anger and hatred. I spent a good year, longer even reliving it over and over in my mind. It ate me inside. And on some level it felt good to be all justified in my anger. I became almost addicted to my self righteousness. After all he had done me a great injustice!! He had wronged me in a very personal way, humiliated me, injured me! He deserved my wrath and I was entitled to my rage. But I eventually got to a place where it was only causing me pain. He didn't give a **** that I was still pissed off! He was out living his life, indifferent to my continued suffering. Boy was that a bitter pill to swallow. The realization that no one cared but me and that I was doing it to myself by holding on to all those feelings of resentments an injustices and anger. Best thing I did for myself is to allow myself to move forward and create a new head space where I could start finding the positives in life and making a new life for myself.

I advise you to do the same. Stop letting old relationships define who you are and where you are in your life. It's not worth it.

EndGameNYC

Huh.

Socratic Method? There needs to be at least two people or two sides participating.

It's unclear what it is that you're asking for on SR, or if you're asking for anything at all.

What I've observed in the responses to your very long and complicated comments is that some people are walking on egg shells, perhaps concerned that they'll hurt your feelings by being more direct. I've also observed that this is one of the things that you pull for from other people. You ask for something, but you also make it clear that you'll only accept whatever it is you say that you want if it's presented in a certain way. There's nothing remarkable about this; nor is it at all uncommon. It was, in fact, my calling card before I first got sober when I was a very young man. But what this interpersonal style does is severely inhibit the development of a therapeutic relationship, to say nothing of other relationships, about which you've previously commented. As I recall, you've stated that counseling or therapy hasn't worked for you, that it's a waste of time, and that you're either tired of telling your story to a stranger or that it doesn't get you anywhere. There seems to be a great deal of defensiveness beneath the generous amount of material you've provided here, that you've framed as playing the devil's advocate. What's in it for you to argue against people who are trying to help?

You describe yourself as a "lover and not a hater," but your pacifism doesn't seem to allow you to get anything done. I see neither love nor hate, only resignation and a determination to stand perfectly still...both love and hate require a certain level of passion, and taking action is a given. So I'll cut to the quick.

You seem to have settled into your narrative as a lifestyle, Stratman, and you've blocked the exits. Nothing gets in, and nothing that is at all meaningful ever comes out of it. You've railed against a range of institutions and several people, including (more recently) a particular kind of woman who's only interested in furthering her social and economic standing in life. I have a feeling that what you've posted here is only the very short version of what's banging around in your head most times. Thus, the "vent."

Again, you've provided a running list of things you can't do and why you can't do them. If you've exhausted all potential avenues of relief, then what next? Are you making a plan, or are you building a case against everyone and everything that's hurt you? Are you soliciting a jury on SR, or are we merely witnesses for the defense? The past influences the present. I get it. But deciding that the past determines our present and future actions is simple fatalism and a very pedestrian act of bad faith.

"Resentment, anger and fear only hurt the person who is carrying them around. There is no benefit in holding onto these or having a victim story. Stories are pointless. Hold onto the resentment, anger and fear, and your nightmares will come true."

I don't recall the source of these sentiments, nor am I completely certain that this is an exact quote. It doesn't matter. Living in the now for you has become and (has been) living in a "now" that has long ago passed you by. And the only thing that I can see for you in all this is to continue to live in misery.

Dee74

Some great point in posts above Stratman.

I'm not really playing devils advocate tho - I'm suggesting,, gently, there is another better way to deal with all of this - if you want to.

I used to be very invested in my past. I brandished my past around as the reason for what I was like now. I wouldn't have called it a victim mentality then but I would now. I was letting those things hurt me over and over and over again.

I found I couldn't move on until I let that past go - you won't get away from your past while you still have your hands around people's necks.

D

Spacegoat

Hi guys. I was going to write back earlier but I fell asleep. I meant I was the one playing Socrates/devils advocate when I replied to your points but I realized earlier - thats fine in some obscure debate but really serves me no purpose in threads like these and some of you have you picked up on that. There was really no point in me replying to your post with counterpoints Dee as the ones you made were all but un-arguable. So guys, you are right and I got to stop doing that… It does come across as kind of victims mentality, which I have been battling with if I am honest. For a large part of my life. I have always been oppressed by someone, for many many years it was my father: I could cite many examples of this and its certainly true.

I just want to point out that my last posts earlier contain a lot of spelling mistakes - actually they are typo's/autocorrect errors as my keyboard battery was low. Doesn't matter I know but I must everyones grammar on this board is pretty much pitch perfect which refreshing and unusual to see (we are an intelligent bunch on the whole I've noticed)

Thank you guys for sharing experiences with me I know it can be difficult, I don't think anyone would be here if they haven't been through some trauma's in their life and I'm sure that as a group we have been through a lot.

Della1968

I think you have a lot more potential than you think. You just need to think outside of the box. I am trying to rebuild a life at 46...wish I had done it a decade ago but we can't change the past. Pursue every avenue you can to get to a better place. Don't just sit passively in a bad place.

courage2

Hi Stratman, I said I'd come back and I wanted to keep my word. I don't have much advice to give you, though -- nothing other people haven't said already. We all carry around a lot of bad news from our pasts -- it hardly even matters what the details are, it's the way we let the past fester in us and hold on to hurt until it poisons us. When we have that kind of mindset and use drugs & alcohol, bad things happen, no matter who's at fault.

In my experience, I had to be off drugs and alcohol for a prolonged period of time to be in a mental position to look at my situation -- all my various "he did that/she did this"es -- sensibly. I'm still working on learning what good sense means.

For now, I think you should focus on the basics -- staying sober is first, then generally taking care of yourself. Take small steps every day by eating right, exercising out of doors, having a shave or whatever makes you feel sharp, getting good rest -- those will help you feel stable and like you have more control. You want to be rested & healthy to go for interviews about volunteer work and housing opportunities.Down the line more and more things will come into place.

While you're working on all your issues, keep posting. One of the first things anyone wrote to me on SR was "post post post" -- it's been very helpful to me, even when others might be tired of my venting

Spacegoat

Hey Della thanks. Glad to hear you are rebuilding your life. There are a lot of good souls on this board.

Good advice courage thanks for that. I'l keep posting for now, I'm really only counting dow the days until this court date and there is nothing else around here for me. Sad but true

Endgame, was wondering when you would weigh in lol. Well, you are right. And so is haennie. I don't know what else to right now though.

Spacegoat

I'm not nearly as chirpy as I was this morning. Took some St Johns there, double dose. Some distractions - music or funnies will just about do for now.

Jennie thanks. That phantom thing you mentioned, I can really kind of relate to the imagery of that for a long time. I've been battling with that thing, I'm winning now though so thats good.

Ladies as for the spitting venom thing! Guilty here yes, alcohol really fuels that for me its not really my nature. Which I need to get back to some way or another and then NEVER let any of this happen me again, it's really deeply ingrained though. It's just been relentless. But I could never be a sensible or responsible person (towards myself) with alcohol so thats a start right...

Spacegoat

Newhope haha, you are right. What I meant to say is that I harbor no resentment towards anyone here. Unfortunately I seemingly do carry around a lot of resentment but there is progress to me made in being able to define it right? Which us what i am doing here in a way I think.

Don't have my hand around anyones throat Dee. You would be forgiven for think that if you met the drunk me. I was angry about all of this stuff when i was knocking about on the street, for sure. I'm not Jesus! And its not all sunshine and lollypops out there (ah shoot) is what I noticed so, hmmm. Time to get wise. But man, if you read through my posts and I think I have said it explicitly and also otherwise - its all about peace for me man. Peace of mind - to live in peace : Thats basically what I'm searching for since I was kid and its wearing me down man…

Really the crisis I am in here (for me) is about freedom and fulfillment but in more practical terms: It's a trade off man wether I hang around here just to have minimal contact with my son and keep my aunty happy even though i am not welcome in the community or comfortable here. Or just, wander off travel, live or whatever who knows, be the free spirit that I am basically. It's a serious dilemma guys because I can't see how I can do both.

Spacegoat

His mother has never repeated my schedule or plans, thinks nothing of ignoring me for a week, month, year or 18 months as it happened since we broke up. She rang me up after 18 months as if nothing happened! Like I had text her very couple of weeks (not obsessively or off topic - which I'm sure she was surprised by), written to her, got a family member to call and talk, and invited her officially through a mediation service which she ignored. This was all re access and the child, nothing else, but 18 months man! Sheesh...

So the conclusion is inescapable: If I ever had to travel, even just an hour by bus never mind by train or by plane she would just let me down through sheer ignorance. She's a lot like my mother in that regard. SO, I could never stay sober like that and thats why I couldn't get sober in the first place I know this as fact- I'm just too sensitive to it. This is what I am paralyzed about, this is why I cannot move on with my life as you asked Dee. It's like, do I do right by my kid or by myself? It's a nightmare for me, and has been for 7 years (oh, reminded me of this track in fact http://youtu.be/IGpAf5VDO3Q) Anyway, we are in court later this month so lets see what that brings… Ugh...

Dee74

Ever heard the oxygen mask analogy Strat?

When the plane is going down you gotta put your oxygen mask on first so that you can be of use to your loved ones.

Right now you're gasping for air all week waiting for the weekend.

I'm not a geography whizz but I'm guessing that even in 'Soberville' you could probably move a town or two away and still see your son regularly, Strat.

That being said, I hope the upcoming court thing will result in terms more amenable to you

D

Spacegoat

Never heard that one Dee. There is nothing going on in those towns or if there is nobody has told me about it anyway. Yeah I don't know man there is no plan, I just want to give some xmas presents some ball of crap just for that isn't it. And in March nearly it will be. See what happens anyway. Talk about disharmony though. Ugh

Problem is man, and I don't know how this has happened but I just feel like I belong anywhere? It's weird. Everyone else I know seems to be united by one thing or another, I'm just an outcast for some reason. Feel like an alien here. It all started with my depression anyway. I tried to get involved with a couple of different communities online, that didn't go well though I was drunk all the time.

I don't know man F it anyway. Worst of all, I don't have any motivation, vision or drive left I just cannot get that going at all? Ok so I've accepted its a better state than being purely driven by alcoholic rage and destruction but still, its not me though. How am I ever going to get back ? I always had those things through thick and thin, I always felt like I deserved a normal future man wtf, peace of mind and live in peace it's just seems impossible though now. And I've never had it thats the worst part. I've been working towards it yes. I don't know, its weird man. Ugh