Emotions come back that were numbed with drinking
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Emotions come back that were numbed with drinking
This wasn't really written for anyone to see. It's just a journal entry for myself, but I thought I would share. It turns out that after becoming sober I've realized that I never really dealt with this. This is about an ex from years ago. The night of the break up I numbed myself to sleep with beer-- that night and everynight after that for a year. I've had a break up since then of course, but that was last year and I was moderating at the time and well we all know how that worked out... But at least and had plenty of sober nights to deal with it my most recent break up and I'm fine... But this ex, I never dealt with it, and maybe that's why this is coming back now.
Yeah she is an alcoholic, and of course I cannot blame anyone but myself, but I do think she played a role in my drinking. I guess seeing the way she drank made me think it was ok. She's so much older than me and I was very impressionable at the time. I thought "well she does this and she's ok so maybe I'm doing is ok, maybe I'm not that bad, maybe this is ok." I knew it wasn't, but I justified it. It didn't matter though, because once she was gone I just found other reasons to justify it. She would never be with me if I gave up drinking. Because then she wouldn't have someone to validate her own problem.
I mean I've moved on in a sense. But I never fell in love again like that. Maybe I never will and maybe that's a good thing. It's possible that living the high life with her wasn't really love perse, just lust, just another addiction. I mean how many people have ex's that they never spent a sober night with?..Its possible that it was just extreme passion with floods of dopamine and oxytocin.., but not that friendship type of love that you need for a long term relationship...
The distance also played a role for sure. The anticipation of seeing each other probably made the act much more intense. The longest we spent together was 12 days straight, we had a few 6 days and a bunch of 4 and 5 days. The other factor is we always saw each other on vacation so when I say 12 days I mean all we did for 12 days is spend time together... literally no breaks from each other except for showering and bathroom breaks, which we sometimes did together--the showering, not the bathroom breaks lol. That type of intensity is something that even married couples would have trouble rivaling. I may not get that type of intimacy with someone ever again. Maybe during my honeymoon? It can only really be done on vacation, out of the country where your cell phones don't work. Where you aren't even texting other people, totally disconnected from everyone but each other. I mean I didn't have any contact with anyone but her for 12 days... except for waiters etc... It was just hours of lovemaking per day, tons of food, and tons of drinking... which may be why I fell so hard.
Yeah I don't know what it would be like to live with her, or anyone for that matter, but we did get a lot of one-on-one time. I think that she is too independent in some respects. I can imagine eventually she would be going out with the girls and I'd be home sober and annoyed that she came home drunk every night. Or maybe I would have drank myself to oblivion, because I'd constantly be drinking with her, or pressured by her. Either way, It wouldn't work now, and I'm glad that it ended before it got bitter because I don't have negative hindsight bias on the good memories I do have.
Yeah she is an alcoholic, and of course I cannot blame anyone but myself, but I do think she played a role in my drinking. I guess seeing the way she drank made me think it was ok. She's so much older than me and I was very impressionable at the time. I thought "well she does this and she's ok so maybe I'm doing is ok, maybe I'm not that bad, maybe this is ok." I knew it wasn't, but I justified it. It didn't matter though, because once she was gone I just found other reasons to justify it. She would never be with me if I gave up drinking. Because then she wouldn't have someone to validate her own problem.
I mean I've moved on in a sense. But I never fell in love again like that. Maybe I never will and maybe that's a good thing. It's possible that living the high life with her wasn't really love perse, just lust, just another addiction. I mean how many people have ex's that they never spent a sober night with?..Its possible that it was just extreme passion with floods of dopamine and oxytocin.., but not that friendship type of love that you need for a long term relationship...
The distance also played a role for sure. The anticipation of seeing each other probably made the act much more intense. The longest we spent together was 12 days straight, we had a few 6 days and a bunch of 4 and 5 days. The other factor is we always saw each other on vacation so when I say 12 days I mean all we did for 12 days is spend time together... literally no breaks from each other except for showering and bathroom breaks, which we sometimes did together--the showering, not the bathroom breaks lol. That type of intensity is something that even married couples would have trouble rivaling. I may not get that type of intimacy with someone ever again. Maybe during my honeymoon? It can only really be done on vacation, out of the country where your cell phones don't work. Where you aren't even texting other people, totally disconnected from everyone but each other. I mean I didn't have any contact with anyone but her for 12 days... except for waiters etc... It was just hours of lovemaking per day, tons of food, and tons of drinking... which may be why I fell so hard.
Yeah I don't know what it would be like to live with her, or anyone for that matter, but we did get a lot of one-on-one time. I think that she is too independent in some respects. I can imagine eventually she would be going out with the girls and I'd be home sober and annoyed that she came home drunk every night. Or maybe I would have drank myself to oblivion, because I'd constantly be drinking with her, or pressured by her. Either way, It wouldn't work now, and I'm glad that it ended before it got bitter because I don't have negative hindsight bias on the good memories I do have.
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
Welcome back Serper. Have you found a plan that works for you? The emotions will come..and we must find ways to deal with them.
Well I'll have two weeks tomorrow. The big difference in my plan this time is that i's not a secret restricted to you guys, everyone knows what I'm doing. The degree to which they know why is based upon how close they are to me, but I promised at least 10 people that if I drink I will call them and tell them I slipped. That is a HUGE deterrent. Plus I have people texting me daily to check in... so the social support is huge and it's working. The emotions are coming and going, but I'm dealing with them by writing them down, sharing with you all and also talking to my friends about them....
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You mentioned you were going to try some AA meetings and seek some counseling for anxiety too, how,did it go? Relying on the consequences of drinking as a deterrent tends to "wear off" after a while
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Well done on your two weeks, just remember that sobriety isnt something your working towards, its something you have right now. Go gentle on yourself and use those phone numbers.
After i got sober, and the desire to drink eventually left me, i realised that im no longer battling with alcohol, im battling with dealing with and managing my emotions, im left raw and its taking time to learn to mature on an emotional level. Sobriety rocks, its some journey and a life beyond my wildest dreams.....youll see my sober friend, just stick close.....much love to you
After i got sober, and the desire to drink eventually left me, i realised that im no longer battling with alcohol, im battling with dealing with and managing my emotions, im left raw and its taking time to learn to mature on an emotional level. Sobriety rocks, its some journey and a life beyond my wildest dreams.....youll see my sober friend, just stick close.....much love to you
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Originally Posted by Jambo1979
Well done on your two weeks, just remember that sobriety isnt something your working towards, its something you have right now. Go gentle on yourself and use those phone numbers.
After i got sober, and the desire to drink eventually left me, i realised that im no longer battling with alcohol, im battling with dealing with and managing my emotions, im left raw and its taking time to learn to mature on an emotional level. Sobriety rocks, its some journey and a life beyond my wildest dreams.....youll see my sober friend, just stick close.....much love to you
After i got sober, and the desire to drink eventually left me, i realised that im no longer battling with alcohol, im battling with dealing with and managing my emotions, im left raw and its taking time to learn to mature on an emotional level. Sobriety rocks, its some journey and a life beyond my wildest dreams.....youll see my sober friend, just stick close.....much love to you
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