OfEpiphany

Feels like I just gave up alcohol a couple days ago...I'm 137 days today, but I can feel my hold on sobriety loosening.

I've been romanticizing thoughts of going to my 'drinking buddy's' house; he's always down to slam down some booze. Playing quarters // beer pong all day, smoking cigs, talking about dumb crap..etc.

The stress melting away for those few hours, even for a night. I have nothing to look forward to, literally, nothing interests me...

So these past few days of just...literally not doing anything all day...I've seriously been contemplating it...

Then again, even the dreams I have where I drink, I end up regretting. And to my relief, I awake, knowing it was just a dream.

I wanna rush to the store, buy a bottle of sailor jerry's, some soda, and head over to his house and get black out drunk. Sloshed to the max, lmao that sounds SO relieving.

Dude, even the thought of drinking right now gets me excited. I believe I'm treading on thin ice at the moment.

But man, the day will be over anyways and I will wake up to a new day, realizing that I've tossed 4+ months of sobriety away...How bad will the regret be? It was bad losing 30 days, and the sorrow lingered for several days.

But either way, at this point, contemplating these things, knowing regret is waiting for me ..I don't think I even care? I want to drink to dull my senses. I want to indulge and drink to get DRUNK. Omg, what am I saying, I'm feeding the beast; the thoughts are getting stronger and stronger lately.

I need a new hobby, everything is boring though? I can start reading fiction, but why? Why would I read other peoples' work when I could work on my own? Then I realized writing a fictional novel is way more complicated than writing non-fiction.

I read these forums to see how much regret people have after losing a long stretch of sobriety....That should be enough to refrain from booze...And, 137 days of boredom.

I feel a resistance within me though; a feeling to not reach for the alcohol, but, the other half of me is saying, to hell with this resistance, just indulge in the sin for the sake of indulgence and be happy for a couple days.

And a couple days will open the wound for sure.

matilda123

I think you have done the right analysis here: romanticizing, forgetting, regret. It is easy to forget the pain and to romanticize the pleasure when we've achieved some distance from drinking. But as you yourself note, most who succumb have regret.

I understand about dulling the senses. I got home after a ten hour day Monday and wanted to do nothing more than drink. But I didn't. And I think that is what we have to do:fake it until we make it.

Trying to connect with dreams deferred is a great thing to do in these moments. What have you not been able to do (or let yourself dream of doing) because you were drinking?

Sending you supportive thoughts.

Dee74

maybe this is the key, OfEpiphany - why aren't you doing something with your life?
what's stopping you?

D

ScottFromWI

Drinking isn't "doing anything" either. It's just drinkimg. And it always comes with the hangover, the regret, the consequence of whatever you did blacked out, etc.

Have you consider volunteering your time or participating in some kind of exercise? There's a whole lot to do if you put your mind into it.

patricia68

I had a friend, a successful writer. He used to tell his students to write every single day at least for one hour. Not matter if it is good or not, keep writing. The inspiration will soon come

matilda123

Absolutely! And do read too: your readers will be able to tell and will thank you!

Serenidad

I felt the same exact way you do and threw away 5.5 years of sobriety. I REALLY regret it. It wasn't worth it! It wasn't fun. It was hell! I hope you don't drink but no one has the power to stop you but you. You will really regret it. Hang in there!

Soberwolf

Hi OfEpiphiny congrats on 137 days

I think its time to start introducing hobbies interests in your life your bored ? start a new course start to volenteer get bk into hobbies you liked before the drink

You couldnt pay me 500 billion $ to have a drink

hang in there bud better days ahead but you got to make them better

Mirage74

I've done that before. Thrown away sobriety time for "just 1 night". Like "yea, I'll just start sobriety all over again tomorrow". It just never worked out that way for me. Once I had that one night, I'm back in its grips. Who knows what will happen at that point? I'm just getting back 6 months later because 6 months ago, at 30 days sober, I just wanted to get drunk so bad that night. Glad you shared, hope this helps.

Buggirl

I am not far behind you and apart from when I come on here, I keep so busy I don't think of it that much and when I do, I come on here! Just keep posting here and think is it worth it after the difficulty of coming this far?

OfEpiphany

I didn't think posting here would do anything, but it does, especially with the responses and actually hearing from other people.

Serenidad

I get what you're saying. I've played Russian roulette with my life too. I don't think I have any more chances though so I'm DONE playing!

My good friend decided to have "on more drink" after 7 months of sobriety and she couldn't stop drinking the last time. She died within six months and she was very young. So sad!

Hang in there! Don't let the devil pull you back in!

Serenidad

Good! Glad it helps! My response right before this when I quoted Mirage was actually for you. Hang in there!!!!!!!

doggonecarl

Are you doing anything, recovery-wise, on a daily basis?

Because it reads to me that you are just abstaining. In my opinion, not drinking and living in recovery are two different things. You are not drinking and don't sound happy. That isn't recovery.

lunar

Wow, that's a long time.
Don't throw it away now.
I've done so, too many times.
Keep going!

SoberLeigh

Great job on 137 days, OfEpiphany, and coming here to discuss your concerns.

Volunteering is a great way to fill your free time; it also provides great perspective.

Spending time here at SR (receiving and giving support as well as acquiring a greater about alcoholism, sobriety and recovery ) can also boost your commitment to sobriety.

Welcome to SR.

Fly N Buy

137 days - or perhaps 138 today is awesome!!
Good for you!!

I too had to find something " to do with my hands and brains". Just sitting around sober is not enough for me. I need to shorten the day, so to speak.

I go to a lot of meetings, that helps. But if it's not your thing - I get it.
The other activity I am doing is taking free courses online. This gives me something to do and a sense of accomplishment. You sound intelligent and the challenge is keeping the active brain working - exercise it!!

Here's a link to free university courses if you want to check them out -
https://www.coursera.org/

Stay the sober course and consider taking one or finding another activity. We need to create new habits and work on gaining new interests.

Glad you're here,
Keep coming back!

Anna

I hope you make the decision to stay sober.

What changes have you made in your life besides stopping drinking? How is your daily life supporting your recovery?

OfEpiphany

I haven't made that many changes, but, I've noticed that over these past 4 months, my "luck" has drastically improved; like the small things that **** you off or stress you out have diminished drastically.

It felt like every other week something would happen that would get on my nerves (ie flat tires, losing something..etc). So those types of things seem to have vanished , at least at the frequency they were occurring. Or maybe I just haven't let the smaller things that happen annoy me. (I was getting flat tires left and right though, it was pretty weird...)

That's the biggest change I've noticed so far. Actually changing something in my life? Nothing really, can't get myself to do anything to be honest, I try to write here and there in my notebook just so I can build up something.

matilda123

I've had exactly that experience too! My nerves are just not as shot all the time by things that were happening. I also find myself wondering now how I had time to drink. Drinking (and getting over having drunk) takes up a good deal of time and energy.

You're doing so well; keep it up!