Raggletaggle

Hi,

I haven't posted here since September but have visited everyday since 2015 began. During that time I can count on one hand the amount of times I drank- to my regret and absolute agony...for days...The last episode was 13 days ago and I reacted so so badly that I have kinda shut down.

Here is whats been happening- I don't really desire a drink at the moment -day 12 - but:

1. My sleep pattern is wrecked- sleep all day..awake all night.
2. I am seriously worried about loosing my job...my attendance rate is abysmal and this is scaring me.
3. I am also studying but have fallen way behind.
4. Was involved in a great sports club but IRONICALLY since I stopped I havent been back(due to my self imposed lock-down)
5.Feel incredibly anxious all the time.
6.Visited Dr. said try lifestyle changes before meds.

My question to any of you wise people today is:
1. Why am I almost deliberatly sabotaging my opportunity to get healthy?
2. Why do simple daily organisational tasks elude me? E.g - Make food for next day, pack gym kit get up early and get on with the day...
3. How can I turn off the stupid, exhausting, shi**y voice in my head that sneers at me and belittles me and constantly points out my past and my shortcomings?
4. How can I allow myself to live fully, peacefully and contentedly instead of alone, in fear/anxiety and denial.
5. How can I stop feeling so so so tired all the time..had blood work done...stop hiding under the duvet instead of living.

I am a 41 year old divorced single woman who just dreads the present, past and future. I hate that I have ended up like this and am nearly believing it really is too late then why dont I just head to the liquor shop and stock up and go back down the rabbit hole until its all over.

On the other hand I want to love, feel loved, reach out, get fit, complete my study, help others, laugh and play...but that feeling is like a candle almost spent...it fades and is dying.

This is not meant to be a pity post - it is more of a - give it to me straight:

Off the drink and never been more miserable- how can I help myself?

Thanks if you read this- and sorry.

mecanix

Hello Raggletaggle ,

Wow that is so much stuff you're doing i'd be seriously tired out after all that stuff ..

On day 13 i could barely get myself together to shower and drag my sorry self to work , sandwich shop / greengrocers on the way .

Remember the acronym HALT , hungry , angry , lonely , tired …

I was a chronic overachiever and can be intensely focused so maybe i'm just projecting a bit ?

Anyhow keep on

m

Dave36

I know how tough it is. Just gotta hold on and stay sober. Try not to worry or think too much just let some time pass and you'll feel better. I'm early in recovery too. What ive been told is to just take it easy and take care of yourself in the beginning. All you have to do is not drink and leave everything else for another day. Things tend to work themselves out if we stay sober. Time will heal all wounds.

Soberwolf

RaggleTaggle you sound exausted and thats proberly down to the insomnia you describe plus your on day 12 early recovery is a rollercoaster

The important thing i think is a good nights sleep i would go back to your Dr and ask for help if your Dr knows your in recovery theyl be able to help if not go to a hospital where they will help

here is some links Relaxation Techniques | University of Maryland Medical Center

Sleep Hygiene: Tips & Techniques - National Sleep Foundation

Your doing exellent if you want to talk you can send a pm

Raggletaggle

Thanks for your responses. They make sense. Its almost as if I know this time I am in it for the long haul and internal negative forces are trying to undo it. Some call that an AV.

OK...so while I posted that I showered, dressed and ate. I also reflected upon my post and I think the answer is to just do. Do something. I am going into the office now to catch up- will do one day this weekend too.

The second thing is to go to a yoga class this evening.

That will do for now.

This facility is an absolutely brilliant place to come to. From one who is very private and presents as a very functioning person (most of the time!!) I don't think I would be able to walk this path without frequent drop-ins. I don't feel so alone.

Thank you.

Dee74

Some great advice here RaggleTaggle.

Good to see you back

D

JanieJ

hi Raggletaggle,

Try not to beat yourself up !

Just being sober is enough for now.

I felt like you do too, I'm just beginning to come out of that at four months sober and working towards better self- care now.

It takes time to unravel everything, you're doing great.

sugarbear1

have you considered working those 12 steps?

PurpleKnight

Welcome back RaggleTaggle!!

It's not going to be rainbows in the beginning, years of drinking can't be sorted out by the body in a matter of weeks, but it will get better with time, just remember you don't ahve to go through this again if you don't want to!!

Hang in there!!