OnMyWay7

I want to hear about your attempt at "Moderation”
Yes I know “moderation” is not going to work for me but I’d like to hear from others to help confirm to my AV that no – moderation doesn’t work for an alcoholic. And heck maybe this will help others who are considering “moderation” I’ll start with my “story.”

I started abusing alcohol in 2008 – I know why but that’s not important – what’s important is I started drinking every night to avoid things. Fast forward to 2011 when my son asked me to quit – told me I drank too much. Over the next 6 months I observed myself and yes he was right I did drink too much. I drank every night, I drank alone, and mostly I drank to get drunk or to at least “feel it.” I stopped in October 2011 and it was hard – really hard. I stayed sober for months (maybe 6-9 –months, to be honest I can’t really remember).
“Moderation” I do remember when I started drinking again I was only going to drink on weekends. I would even take drugs to stop me from drinking (antibuse) on Monday and would stop on Wednesday so I could start drinking on Friday nights. See? I had a plan. I had a plan for forced moderation. Well then the whole just weekend thing got in the way because of vacations and holidays (July 4th) etc. so I just stopped taking the medication during the week and went to self-checking.
Fast-forward to 2014 – I was still drinking wine at night but it just wasn’t doing it so I added vodka. Sometimes I just bought some of those small bottles (I mean how bad could they be right?) but then it just didn’t make financial sense so I started buying larger bottles and just drinking it right out of the bottle (just to take the edge off and to augment the wine). Unless I was out driving then the small vodka bottles made sense again because I could have 1-2 (or 3) while I was waiting for a kid to finish some practice. For regular drinking it was better if I hid the vodka bottle in the basement so I could grab a swig when no one was looking (just easier that way – you know?) and it was more cost effective.
Then my significant other had a large heath issue that started in January 2014 and I now had access to pain pills. (Now they really augment the wine well). By September 2014 my financial advisor has me go for personal life insurance and guess what – I get turned down. High liver enzymes. Holy Molly. This sucks. Now I really have to grow up, I have 4 kids under the age of 14. Hard look at what I was doing to myself, my kids etc. By the end of 2014 I had to break an addiction to pain medication (I was now finding ways to get my own pain pills but my doctors were catching on) and I was going to have to stop drinking. December 25th was my last pain pill. December 31st was my last drink.
I still have a successful career with a global company. I never missed a day or work. Many people do not believe in any way that I have a drinking problem – in fact my significant other is very surprised. I hid it very well. But like they say “rock bottom is when you stop digging”
Moderation didn’t work – and in fact I got much worse. I can never drink again and I’m okay with that – I have to be okay with that - sometimes it’s hard but I’m okay with it because I don’t want to go back to vodka bottles in the basement. Because I can’t moderate and I’m only going to get worse and I want to live.
What’s your story??

ScottFromWI

I tried the following:

Drinking only after 5pm on weekdays
Drinking only light beer
Drinking less than 4 drinks a day
Drinking only one drink a day, but EVERY day
Alternating NA beer with real beer
Drinking every other day
Drinking low alcohol beer
Drinking only at home
Drinking only away from home

Every single one ( and many others not listed ) failed - EVERY time.

I could go on for ever, but the bottom line is that you CANNOT moderate or control your drinking if you are an alcoholic. There is no exception to this rule.

Jupiters

my moderation story.

It started. It ended.

there was nothing good that happened in between.

Bruno1979

I have actually learned how to moderate my drinking, unfortunately though it is very painful and torturous so I've decided not to bother at all now.

Bruno.

doggonecarl

Moderation worked for me...

Until it didn't.

Anna

These are just a few of the threads we have on the topic. There is lots of good reading here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oderation.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ion-again.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...se_______.html

Soberwolf

I think Scott & Anna are spot on

Hawks

It took all and I mean all my will power to moderate.

And I hated doing it.

It was exhausting and unhappy.

I would have rather not started than just tried to stop at 3,4.

But I could pull it off occasionally, when the planets aligned etc.

But mostly, just didn't want to....... Quit just as the magic happens? Screw that.

Ruby2

I may have attempted to moderate at one point but I always went back to out of control mode. I've read of people moderating. Keeping detailed charts of when and how much they drank. Planning when they could drink and how much. It sounds like alcoholic torture, actually. Sure, I did the same amount of planning and keeping track without pretending to moderate and it was still torture. Not having to worry or think about graphs and charts and detailed measurements and journal entries is liberating. I no longer have to worry about how much, when and where because I don't drink at all. Its freed me. Good luck. You can do it and great job!

Fly N Buy

Never tried to moderate, I am a drunk and will drink it all until it's gone - then drive while I am intoxicated to go get more.

That was the point, for me.

Gardennerd

I had 1 glass of wine after 4 months sober, said hey that wasn't so bad. Then I had 4 IPAs the next day and it was perfect, then I had 6 etc. I tried only drinking after 5 and only weekends. Etc. none worked for more than a week. It's too unpredictable. I'd be ok 1 time, then on a 3 day bender and not remembering 1/2 of it. The stuff in the big book hit home to me there. Everyone in the examples even in the 1930s tried it. I think if you have to "try to moderate" you can't. Normal people just have 2 and say "that was good, now I'm going to go home" not "hmm, I can get a cab, I'll have 5 more"

I am hypoglycemic. I don't eat sweets because it messes me up. On the holidays I'll have a spoon full of pudding and say "oh that's nice" then go watch tv. If that pudding were beer id finish everything on the frig.

SoberLeigh

How do I spell moderation - f.a.i.l.u.r.e.

jaynie04

Oh Lord. I don't miss it. The dreaded preoccupation. Do I have enough? Can I drink at that event? Will the waiter pour more soon? Where did I leave those empties? What time can I start? Didn't I already read this book? Sorry, can't make it, too hungover.

I remember the last morning in rehab. I had packed my bag and was alone in my room. The van was coming to take me to the airport. I realized that every person like me who left that facility was literally taking their life into their hands as they crossed that threshold. I had an overriding sense of two paths in front of me. One was murky and familiar. The other was strange and untested.

I knew where the familiar road would take me, hadn't I already wasted enough of my life? It actually scared me, I had a sense of being in a movie and this was the pivotal moment…good ending or not?

Imagine pouring a bottle of vodka into you hand and trying to grab it….you can't. I couldn't delude myself anymore that whatever tweaks I made to my drinking were going to have any sort of impact. I was simply prolonging it, treading water, wasting my life.

Last weekend I was at a formal event and there were 2 bottles of wine on the table (of 12). I can't express strongly enough what a relief I felt that I didn't have to sit there in agony.

My SIL was here at Thanksgiving, I know she has a problem with booze. I felt for her, that nails on a chalkboard trying to behave because other people are watching. I didn't feel envious as I saw her drinking, I felt sad that she was still under the spell. I remember being a slave to a liquid in a glass.

It is over. And it is not defeat, it is a liberated bliss.

Getting sober is not a punishment. For me it has been an overwhelming sense of escape and astonishment that I had everything I needed all along. I don't think there are many changes a person can make that have such a dramatic impact on their lives.

At first it was like, ok I doing this, totally weird but not awful. Still doing this, whoa, I actually ran 2 miles and finally filed all those papers. This is getting easier, and I am liking the fallout. What a delight it is to wake up without a shred of embarrassment. Holy cow, another surprise to the upside. Yeah, I would love to have everyone for Thanksgiving this year, I am in a good place. Wow, looks like the Christmas tree might come down before May this year.
Those days of squirreling around fixated only on that bottle I had hidden in the pool cushions in the basement…..yuck.

Moderation to me would be like baking brownies when I am on a diet….I am too nice to do that to myself. Sobriety requires broad strokes. Make it clean, that tension of being sucked back in disappears once you decide that it is no longer an option.

It is not that you can't drink….it is that you don't drink!

RandomDiego

Failed completely.
There were two possibilities, having some self-control and going home completely raged, or ending completely drunk.

Nonsensical

Tried most of those and too many others to count. I had several I won't drink until I have lost ___ pounds.

I don't recall my first moderation plan.
My second to last one was I won't hide more liquor than I am actually drinking and I won't drive drunk to get more. That's some serious moderation there, eh? (Oh, by the way - FAIL!)

The last one was I don't drink anymore. Best plan yet!

Soberpotamus

My attempts to moderate were a great big failure. I developed some hard won insight into the nature of my addiction. It was also a great big stall for time. Time with my wine. It was wasted time that I wish I could get back. More than anything I regret the squandered time.

lunar

If "moderation" existed in my life,
I wouldn't be an alcoholic.
Moderation always led to a long, painful binge.
And then more.

daxemus

When I controlled it I couldn't enjoy it and when I enjoyed it I couldn't control it.

I'm an alcoholic and I obsess and crave alcohol when I drink.

I can't moderate.

Thanks for this reminder.

Ruby2

"Last weekend I was at a formal event and there were 2 bottles of wine on the table (of 12). I can't express strongly enough what a relief I felt that I didn't have to sit there in agony"

Holy cow, Jaynie. Isn't a relief? Two bottles for TWELVE people? In the before times I would have been sitting there watching people pour out. Salivating until it came to me. Getting antsy watching the bottles empty. Making sure that I got my fair share (and then some). It is insanity.

Ethos23

I can moderate . . . for a while. It is no fun at all. It's not like when I moderate I am satisfied with one or two drinks. My mind is screaming for more alcohol, to just be able to pour a huge drink and slam it. That is what feels good to my AV.

I now choose to do what feels good to me, and that is abstain 100%.