EndGameNYC

I couldn't do it. Dating a co-worker would be difficult enough for me, but I just couldn't date someone in early sobriety. It took me about sixteen months before I felt I was even close to being ready.

My first sponsor and I got along very well. I trusted him completely, and followed his suggestion that I wait a year. Taking care of myself, discovering things about myself (mostly through action), and sticking my toe into the real world were the best things that I had ever experienced at that time.

grocerease

You only live once and love is a beautiful thing. I say take the plunge and do it. No regrets. You can't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket.

grocerease

Just be honest and straightforward from the beginning about your sobriety. If she respects that it's a great start.

Fluffer

I am relatively new to recovery and the related wisdom and I have a lot of respect for Dee's and other people's opinions on here, but can someone tell me why enjoying time with a romantic prospect is such a bad thing in early recovery? I can see some scenarios where it would be a bad idea like where the newly sober person is emotionally disturbed or vulnerable and walking on eggshells, and a rejection might send them over the edge. Or maybe sex can become a substitute addiction for alcohol. And sure, you don't want to go to the bar with her friends who are doing shots. But assuming this is just a healthy romance, is that so bad? Does recovery have to be so bleak? isn't dating good clean fun that can take your mind off of booze and provide positive reinforcement for a healthy lifestyle? I guess your chances of staying sober are better if you lock yourself in your apartment for a year, but isn't that a bit unnecessarily dismal?

Fluffer

And another thing - maybe a newly sober person would benefit from learning some correct courtship behavior and rituals instead of the dubious and unwholesome mating practices engaged in by many people who meet their partners in bars. (although I'm sure SDH never did anything like that).

SDH73

Yeah...never did that.

Fluffer

No doubt. I must be projecting.

Dee74

Like I said I was one hot mess when I got sober.

I've often said that I would have been 'inflicting' myself on someone at that point.

I'd never spent time with myself ever - even when I was alone I needed to get wasted because I didn't like myself very much.

I was in serious need of renovation...and I needed to do that alone.

Cliche if you like, but I needed to learn to love myself before I put myself out there again.

Also...dating is a lot of stress and anxiety, or it was for me.

If your go to solution for worry and anxiety is drinking, the inherent problem there is obvious.

If you have a fight, become annoyed by your partner or jealous, or you break up....

if you can honestly say your mind is not going to go to a drink then fine...but if it will, I think caution is needed.

I get it - we all want to be well and to move on from our alcoholism ASAP...

honestly...finding partners is more often about that than anything else in early recovery.

Its good to take a step back, breathe and remember - we have the rest of our lives before us.

It's not a race. It's not called 'recovery' by accident - most of us are pretty beaten up...it's a process and it takes time.

Noone has ever suggested locking yourself in your room for a year...

but seriously Fluffer - even simple human interaction was beyond me at the start.

I had to work up to that, and then beyond.

Jumping too soon into something we're not ready for can be disastrous.

D

SDH73

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LBrain

Fluffer: "I can see some scenarios where it would be a bad idea like where the newly sober person is emotionally disturbed or vulnerable..."

Dee addressed much of your response.

If you take a look at all of the first posts of the folks who come here, you may discover that many fall into the "vulnerable" "emotionally disturbed" category. I don't mean emotionally disturbed in the classic definition of the term. But by the time folks find their way here, or in a meeting or at a counselor's chair, they are pretty beat up emotionally.
All of that 'advice' has been based on worst cases. When someone shows up, there is no telling how ready or not they are to face "reality" again. So they are advised to step back and take things slowly.
I'm still in my year hiatus from looking for a job after I was "let go". I'm still "finding myself". We all are in different stages of development when we first get sober. Just like there is no one size fits all 'recovery' program, there is no single piece of advice that fits everyone regarding life functions. And usually most lean toward the side of caution for newly sober people as far as advice goes.

anattaboy

Nothing ventured is .....
I told my wife when we met in a bar 8 yrs. ago that I'm not ready for a relationship and my ship is barely sea-worthy. We are now sober and forever. My sponsor said we would never make it and then he re-married his wife of 17 yrs. (they were divorced 20) so now we talk about our dogs mostly. He has a spoiled retriever and we a mini aussie. Best wishes

Jupiters

I like this.
Renovation.
Oh yes - major renovation was needed. My soul was stripped and bare. My emotions raw like sandpaper and drywall. Definitely needed some TLC.

ubntubnt

why not enjoy the friendship for a while and continue to work on your sobriety? then a few months down the line see how or whether things have developed? if its meant to be then its meant to be and if its not then there is no damage done so you will be in a better mental place anyway?