livinginhope

The truth is, I am very lonely. I have no family, and most of my friends are drinkers and pot smokers.

I know that dating now--at 35 days sober--is not a great idea. I need time. At least a couple more months, before I am ready to even consider anything like that.

But I do miss the company of a good woman. Not for sex. I am not emotionally, and possibly not even physically, up for that. I've never been a promiscuous person in my life. I can count the lovers I've had on one hand. And I thought, or at least hoped, that they all would be lifetime relationships.

I would love to have a lady to hang out with. Dinners, walks, sharing a large popcorn at the movies, shows, thrift stores and yard sailing, acting goofy to make her laugh. I crave it more than I do a drink. The potential for romance on top as a bonus.

Hopefully in time it will happen. One thing I know is this: The chances of finding someone to be with in my self-inflicted alcoholic solitude are almost zero. Being sober opens up a myriad of possibilities.

I am going to work on myself for the time being. Getting acquainted with the sober me, going through the changes that recovery brings about, and finding my place in the world as a clear-thinking individual.

As my username suggests, I am Living in Hope.

Soberwolf

Its good you realise why it will take time....the risk of relapse is extremly high entering a new relationship early on

i normally say 6-12 months the later being better as it gives us time to build our sober muscles early sobriety is already hard enough without adding the additional pressures a new relationship brings

Your post was awesome keep up the fantastic work and live in hope bud (i liked the way you done that at the end of your post)

Wastinglife

I know what you are feeling. My drinking destroyed a 6 yr relationship that was heading for marriage before I really lost control. Been single 4 years. I have dated women I met online but that always lead to relapse. I meet them online but I haven't mentioned my alcoholism on my profile for obvious reasons.

Each time I drank on these dates. Once got really drunk and was cut off by the restaurant. I did see a girl for about 3 months before I was back to daily drinking. I am not a good partner for any woman right now. Still just a dry drunk but in therapy and go to AA sometimes.

Work on things first. How can someone else love you if you may not love yourself?

Della1968

I understand where you are coming from. I need to love myself before I can be of any use in a relationship. I know this but it does get lonely but I was lonely as hell sitting by myself drinking. At least sober I can work on myself and eventually have the ability to have a healthy relationship.

Dee74

I reconnected again with people doing things like volunteering. Could that be an option for you?

Frankly I needed human contact, reminder of how to be with people, and friendship more than I needed the ups and downs and emotional investment of a relationship.

I was one hot mess really. No one else deserved that in a romantic relationship.
I needed to learn to love myself before I could expect another person to love me.

I'm glad I waited a while
D

livinginhope

I know I am not ready for a full-fledged relationship, but as I said, I miss the company of a woman. I'd be happy to have a friend. Guy friends are great, but there is something magic and special about being with a woman. At least I think so.

Notmyrealname

Look at the bright side of being single -- just think how much money you're gonna save on Valentine's Day!

Seriously though, it's a good opportunity to put in some "you" time -- self-improvement or development or whatever.

livinginhope

Volunteering is an option I am considering. To be completely honest, I am not sure I am even ready for that right now. I'm still struggling to maintain my job, and I am exhausted and stressed out when I get home. I need more time.

Della1968

I agree...well substitute men for women in my case lololol. Time can do magical things. When you last expect it you will find it.

Esspee

I think you're right to wait a while. I've been single for three and a half years but wouldn't dare risk dating as I know 'going for a drink' would crop up and while I'd go with good intentions of drinking soft drinks, as soon as I saw the wine I'd be off!!

Mikie9

Hang in there my friend, work on yourself right now, and you will be ready when you are ready. One of my reasons to stop drinking was so I could have a real relationship with a woman, but until I work on myself, that can never happen. Mentally and physically I am not currently fit for it, no matter how much I want it.

Dee's suggestion of volunteering is a good one. It gets you out there meeting people, who probably don't drink. I could't do the volunteering I set out to do, homeless shelter. But I could volunteer at the animal shelter here. Not a one of the people there drink, and it has helped me become me again, outside of myself and out in the world sober. Sure, I mostly clean up dog poo and play with dogs, but it gets me out, and gets me feeling like I am doing something.

Hang in there, the perfect woman is waiting on us, but we have to be "us" first before it can happen.

Notimetoloose

You sound lovely.
I hope you and the right woman find each other...especially now, the new and improved sober you.
Give it a little time, get through the majority of 'the firsts'. The first time you do anything sober that is usually associated with having a drink or few!....
Joining Meetup can help and that gets you out there in the community and socializing.

Plus gets you plenty of practise of socialising sober.
Take care.

upminer

You have to focus on yourself. It only took two months of not drinking for me to decide to file for divorce If I stay with my wife it will lead me back to drinking. She drinks. She is embaraased if I drink NA or water or a soda when in the company of others she constantly offers me alcohol she only drinks once a month or so but when she does its a binge involves paying a babysitter and going to bars all kinds of comments from her non drinking mother I guess having me be a daily drinker deflected some of it as she could always say she's not as bad as me.... Yeah I don't need that in my life and when it's over I'm not prioritizing dating. When I do it will be clear from the start what I'm about and what I want and don't want. Good luck

SoberCAH

This is an important topic, and I am glad that your are here with us.

You mentioned work-related challenges and chronic tiredness.

Your comments reminded me of how difficult early sobriety can be.

Personally, I suspect that the woman you are meant to be with (for me, by God) will show up in your life when you and she are both ready for a mature, loving relationship.

Just my thoughts.

But I am a guy and I don't spend my spare time reading about relationships (like Clint Eastwood as Sgt. Gunney in Heartbreak Ridge).

carla1979

I understand as well and I am married. But I feel like we are just raising our kids together. You do need time because close opposite sex friendships often leads to intimacy. I know we long to fill a void but focusing on yourself is the most important right now.

SoberComposer

I completly agree! I quit on Aug 2nd 2014 so that makes me 6 months today and loving being single! I havent dated or even want to engage in anything physically aka non-verbal commitments. It just feels great to get out of that needy phase (0 - 4 months) and really embrace my own passions without having to make any emotional, time or money considerations. Try to take it one day at a time and slowly begin getting exercise on a regular basis. Work on building an infastructure of support for yourself. This will fill-in the emptyness and position yourself t be a Full person. When two full people meet each other = healthy relationship. Personally, I drank because of loneliness... I no longer drink but am solving the Reason why I drank. I no longer need any crutch and deal with life when it comes. I also know that when "I" do "choose" to date, there will be one very lucky lady out there

Much love, respect and best of luck!

PurpleKnight

Great post livinginhope!!

Hang in there, Sobriety is a great foundation to build on!!