Regrets
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Reading, pa
Posts: 3
Regrets
I am once more newly sober. Before it was for other reasons, but this time, it is for me. My bottom for me was a few weeks ago, when I went over to ex-fiance's house, drunk, and he was watching our kids that weekend and yelling and screaming at him accusing of him an affair and saying I was going to kill myself, all this in front of my kids. My ex and I were together at this time. I crashed out at his place since I was too drunk to drive. Next day, I woke up with such shame. This was a culmination of three weekends that I drank heavily and fought with my ex. I said to my kids and fiance that was it. I know they shouldn't believe me, but I said now I realize what a horrible impact my drinking was making on our family. Needless to say, my ex broke up with me a few days later, because I did snoop in his email and found stuff that I didn't think was OK, I told him and he flipped out and said we are done because of that and my drinking. He is a bit controlling not and has punched doors when he was angry. I feel such regret now since I am sober and seeking counseling of the five years of on and off drinking and what my children had to go through and that my ex and I would be still be together even though he left me before when I actually was sober, he said he is still in love with me and if I continue to stay sober, then maybe we can get back together. How do I just focus on myself rather than thinking about getting back with him? Ironically, he's not much of a drinker, but just got a DUI...something that I could I have gotten 1,000 times. How do I make amends to my young children who are already much happier since I have been sober even though it has been just a month.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
What worked for me: 
Stand up on your 2 feet, clean yourself up, call your AA Sponsor, go to an AA meeting and get ANOTHER White Chip (I had enough to tile a bathroom), get down on your knees and ask for the GRACE to suspend your feelings of remorse and shame, SURRENDER to WORKING the process of the 12 Steps of AA...continually and all the way through.
Tomorrow - do the same thing
Next Day - do the same thing
Rinse & Repeat...
Rinse & Repeat....
RDBplus3...Sober & Free...and I KNOW you can be
Stand up on your 2 feet, clean yourself up, call your AA Sponsor, go to an AA meeting and get ANOTHER White Chip (I had enough to tile a bathroom), get down on your knees and ask for the GRACE to suspend your feelings of remorse and shame, SURRENDER to WORKING the process of the 12 Steps of AA...continually and all the way through.
Tomorrow - do the same thing
Next Day - do the same thing
Rinse & Repeat...
Rinse & Repeat....
RDBplus3...Sober & Free...and I KNOW you can be
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 203
"How do I make amends to my young children who are already much happier since I have been sober even though it has been just a month."
Did you ever watch the show Reba? If not, a recurring story line focuses on Reba's daughter Cheyenne and her drinking problem. In one episode after attending AA for just a day, Cheyenne attempts to make amends to her family. A family members cuts her off and says "you've only been working the program for 1 day and you're already on step 9?" And Cheyenne responds "well I skipped a bunch of boring ones."
She relapses later in the episode.
My point...you're jumping ahead. Steps 1-8 maybe "boring" but when worked correctly they make step 9, more meaningful, especially to those who've "heard it all before."
Lead by example. A person's actions speak volumes. And coming from someone "whose heard the 30 day sober speech many times". I want action not words from the addict in my life.
Congrats on 30 days. And good luck.
Did you ever watch the show Reba? If not, a recurring story line focuses on Reba's daughter Cheyenne and her drinking problem. In one episode after attending AA for just a day, Cheyenne attempts to make amends to her family. A family members cuts her off and says "you've only been working the program for 1 day and you're already on step 9?" And Cheyenne responds "well I skipped a bunch of boring ones."
She relapses later in the episode.
My point...you're jumping ahead. Steps 1-8 maybe "boring" but when worked correctly they make step 9, more meaningful, especially to those who've "heard it all before."
Lead by example. A person's actions speak volumes. And coming from someone "whose heard the 30 day sober speech many times". I want action not words from the addict in my life.
Congrats on 30 days. And good luck.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
I agree with Ileana that there is a certain amount of wisdom in doing the steps in order, though I'm not sure if you attend AA or are involved in with the steps. Since you use the word 'amends' in your post I'm going to assume that you have some familiarity with AA.
You might be interested to know that on the day AA was born one of it's founders (Doctor Bob) spent most of the day making amends to those he had harmed. Dr Bob never had another drink, and it was another three and a half years before the 12 steps were put to paper.
The point I'm attempting to make is that the 12 steps involve certain principles. IMO these principles are important to practice regardless of where you might be in the process of doing the steps.
I believe you can begin to make things right with your kids by simply not drinking. In addition I believe you will find more ways to do so in the future, but this is a good start.
As for the relationship with your ex? I think the serenity prayer has something to say about that.
You might be interested to know that on the day AA was born one of it's founders (Doctor Bob) spent most of the day making amends to those he had harmed. Dr Bob never had another drink, and it was another three and a half years before the 12 steps were put to paper.
The point I'm attempting to make is that the 12 steps involve certain principles. IMO these principles are important to practice regardless of where you might be in the process of doing the steps.
I believe you can begin to make things right with your kids by simply not drinking. In addition I believe you will find more ways to do so in the future, but this is a good start.
As for the relationship with your ex? I think the serenity prayer has something to say about that.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Hi and welcome Second 
I really encourage you to focus on yourself for a while - get sober for you because I believe thats the only way lasting recovery works.
I understand you want to get back with your family and I hope you will in time...but it sounds like they need a little time to themselves to.
The best thing you can do for yourself, and for those who love you, is to get sober and stay that way
It's my experience that actions speak louder than words - people saw the changes in me and by and large they responded positively
D
I really encourage you to focus on yourself for a while - get sober for you because I believe thats the only way lasting recovery works.
I understand you want to get back with your family and I hope you will in time...but it sounds like they need a little time to themselves to.
The best thing you can do for yourself, and for those who love you, is to get sober and stay that way
It's my experience that actions speak louder than words - people saw the changes in me and by and large they responded positively
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
It's so good to meet you Second - you'll find plenty of encouragement here. Please be kind to yourself and patient - try not to dwell on things you can't change. You will heal and rise above the bad times - everyone will see the difference.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Tampa, FL
Posts: 167
Welcome Second to the forum. From what I understand you will be ready to make amends to your children once you have forgiven yourself. You have ways to go. Forgiving yourself is the key and probably the toughest for now. Congratulation on your new sobriety!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Wales
Posts: 497
Hey you've found a great place here and nice to meet you x
By being sober you'll automatically start doing things differently. Luckily I managed to not do anything too awful in front of my daughter but I certainly spent a lot of time recovering when I should have been doing things with her. I've found since I've been sober I'm spending more quality time with her and although she doesn't seem to have noticed I'm not drinking now (maybe she's just not saying anything) we r spending much more quality time together and it feels good to be making that time for her that I should have before.
I know it's hard but try not to spend your time looking back and thinking of regrets. Look forward and do the things you wish you had been doing all along xx
By being sober you'll automatically start doing things differently. Luckily I managed to not do anything too awful in front of my daughter but I certainly spent a lot of time recovering when I should have been doing things with her. I've found since I've been sober I'm spending more quality time with her and although she doesn't seem to have noticed I'm not drinking now (maybe she's just not saying anything) we r spending much more quality time together and it feels good to be making that time for her that I should have before.
I know it's hard but try not to spend your time looking back and thinking of regrets. Look forward and do the things you wish you had been doing all along xx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Torrance CA
Posts: 8
Hi, Second,
Glad you are getting sober. I can recall many mornings recalling humiliations from the night before. It's not fun to think about them even now.
I am working on patience as well, and have learned that one cannot make amends until he or she is fully aware of the nature of his or her wrongs. It wasn't until working my fourth step that I understood that I needed to see my life in a very different way.
I am so glad that I heeded the advice of other sober alcoholics and did what my sponsor told me even if I didn't really understand the point if it. So much of what I have gone through was the result of my messed-up thinking.
Best of luck to you, my friend!
Glad you are getting sober. I can recall many mornings recalling humiliations from the night before. It's not fun to think about them even now.
I am working on patience as well, and have learned that one cannot make amends until he or she is fully aware of the nature of his or her wrongs. It wasn't until working my fourth step that I understood that I needed to see my life in a very different way.
I am so glad that I heeded the advice of other sober alcoholics and did what my sponsor told me even if I didn't really understand the point if it. So much of what I have gone through was the result of my messed-up thinking.
Best of luck to you, my friend!
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