lilac0721

I am with everyone in dealing with anxiety. I made it 5 days last week before caving to the desire to drink. Then ended up bingeing Sunday and Monday.

I am feeling extremely overwhelmed: upcoming move to a new state (less than a month away, and I haven't started packing), trying to find work in the new state, school, and a full time job. And trying to take care of myself. Yeah, right!

I think I have to take a leave of absence from school. I just can't handle everything. I am also having doubts about taking on so much additional student loan debt...I am confused. And overwhelmed. And anxious.

Made a healthy dinner for myself and my husband last night, but couldn't eat much. I went o bed by 9pm, then woke up at 330 this morning. Decided to just get up at 4am. I'll go to the gym here shortly. Since I am back to day 2 after a 2-day binge, I may not have the best workout, but it'll be something to burn off anxiety.

Dee74

Try and prioritise Lilac.
If you have too much 'on', set aside the stuff you can set aside.

make to do list and make the daily targets reasonable.

It doesn't have to be stylish - just get through it...you can do this

D

AGAGONNHOJ

Haven't posted in a week - had a tiny relapse last Sat - had 3 big bottles of Chang beer. But not feeling down on myself at all - only a few months ago, staying booze-free for just one day was unthinkable.

Overall, since making resolutions on New Years Eve, have been doing OK. Managed all of January apart from one week where I was drinking every day.

Along with keeping to a vegetarian diet and doing a 10km run most evenings. Starting to see benefits now - 4 separete people have now told me that I've visibly lost weight. Something I can pin down entirely to my liver not having to work all the time at getting rid of alcohol, it's becoming a more efficient fat-burning machine now (I was running hardcore every day before, but was still gaining weight).

Just last night at the Peace Bar, a reggae bar in Chiang Rai, Thailand where I live, I went out to see friends I hadn't seen since New Years - and everyone said how much better I looked. One person: "Where's your belly gone?".

Hung out, laughing, joking etc, feeling happy, didn't feel the urge to drink in the slightest - and just content to sip slowly on a hot tea, and then a fruit shake!

Was getting a bit disheartened - but now that a month has passed since new year, all my hard work is starting to pay off - by SongKran (Thai new year in April), pretty sure I'm on track to be in an even better shape. If just one month can do this, even with a couple of relapses, just imagining what 2 more months, hopefully with no relapses at all, will do to me . . .

Keep going, everyone - remember what I said before, that 6 months sober is merely 180 small victories (every morning waking up sober should be seen as a huge triumph).

Focus on the feeling of clear-headedness, of sobriety rather than "I must not drink".

Focus on what you want to achieve, not what you want to avoid.

Don't despair over any relapses - it took me a long time indeed, with many disappointments and relapses, to get to the stage I'm at now. Took me a long time to get into the habit of getting it down to weekends only. Then from Jan, 2 weeks drink-free at a time.

But it's paid off, I'm starting to see rewards, and got another good thing to focus on, on achieving, holding on to etc - my body being visibly slimmer as well as feeling more mentally on-it.

lilac0721

Wow, that's awesome! Way to not beat yourself up from setbacks...that is a good message for people like me to hear. I tend to beat myself up and feel intense shame when I have a setback and then drink more and the cycle continues.

I also like to run - have been very inconsistent in the past few months. I've also gained a bunch of weight. Got to the gym this morning and did some elliptical and incline walking on the treadmill. Taking it easy after the binge I had on Sunday and Monday. 10k every evening sounds great!

Do you have any cravings on your veg diet? I've been eating more low carb, which seems to curb cravings.

Esspee

What a fantastic way to term it.

I have a job interview/assessment tomorrow morning about a 3 hour drive away so I'll have to leave quite early (I have to 'touch' the edge of London during rush hour so am allowing a lot of time!).

I've got all my interview clothes sorted (everything from underwear to overcoat); make up laid out; purse, pad and pens in bag; keys by door; car full of petrol; showered and scrubbed from head to foot and ready for an early night.

I'm not heading off yet (it's only 3.20pm in the UK) but I know I can kick back and relax for the rest of the day (dinner cooking in slowcooker) and come the morning I can get up, wash and go without any panic.

I would never have been so chilled if I was still drinking. I'd have sat here working out the last time I could drink to be sober tomorrow, realise I couldn't have anything and spend the evening sulking !!!

AGAGONNHOJ

Thanks I know what you mean - back when I was still drinking, I had people telling me I'd gained weight, despite not over-eating and doing at least 5km every day! Which got me downhearted, made me want to just give up, and drink again.

I kind of did at first - considering Thailand is the second most strongly Buddhist country in the world (a couple of percentage points behind Cambodia), being vegetarian's not that easy here, as meat is literally everywhere. Plus I was a huge carnivore, and really into meaty curries here! Especially Gaeng Hang Ley (a Burmese-influenced northern Thai curry made of molasses, loads of ginger, stewed pork with fat on, and spices - so good, but also extremely high in fat and cholesterol). Saying goodbye to that one was a bit hard.

But I found a couple of awesome vegetarian restaurants at the bus station, only a short drive from the school I teach at. In each case, 30 Baht (less than £2) gets you a plate of rice - and the good stuff as well, fibre-rich mountain rice - with servings of whichever two dishes you want - and they have different Thai vegetarian dishes there every time, which taste amazing.

Plus you can get Som Tam (spicy shredded papaya, peanut, tomato, string bean & chilli salad) on pretty much every street corner!

You'll get better at exercising as the recovery process continues - I certainly did. When the liver's not working hard on alcohol, it can perform its other functions more efficiently, not just burning fat but keeping the body going at things like exercise!

For me, 100 hours sober was the magic hour - my head started feeling clearer, brain working better, more aware of things and suchlike. When you get to that point, focus on how you feel at that moment, and every morning after that, focus on the feeling. It takes time to get through the first stages, it'll be ups and downs, not an unbroken line of progress

AGAGONNHOJ

I know I said focus on what you want to achieve - but also last night, at the Peace Bar, I encountered a full-on, in-your-face example of where I was a year or so ago!

Met a guy who was, shall we say, pretty inebriated already at the bar, while sat waiting for my tea. Apparently he'd been putting away at least a small bottle of spirits pretty much every day, that night he'd been on the beer, and bought a round of Sambucas for me and my mates (I politely declined my shot).

Was excited to meet him at first, as he was also from Sheffield, my city in the UK. But then he did some inappropriate **** - first, he creepily hit on a female friend, upon which we went out back to chill there instead.

Then later on in the night, he put his arm round another female friend, after she went to the bar!

Just had me thinking, thank **** that's not me!

Esspee

Just finished Day 10. From now on if I need to count up his many days sober I've run out of fingers so will have to include my toes!!

JT0626

Still going strong....work has kept me really busy! I am loving not drinking alcohol....life for me is getting better & better. I am seeing things more clearly now & ready to take action!

Oh & someone at work told me I look like I have lost weight....that made my day. :-)

lastdayone

Well done everyone!! Sounds like it has been an incredibly productive day all around. I really like the idea of having forums for each month, it's a great way to find people who are at exactly the same stage as me. Anyone else on day 2 today?

I haven't quite reached the stage where I am seeing things entirely clearly - there is still a level of "brain fog" and I can't tell if it's because I've not exercised in over a week (most likely), because of the alcohol, or because of my anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medication. Probably a mix of all three, but I'll be so relieved when it's gone.

Esspee, GOOD LUCK in your interview tomorrow! You'll do grand

Dee74

You don't find going to bars is difficult AGAGONNHOJ?

D

Sugar77

Hey Classmates,
I haven't posted in about a week now. I've been on here everyday though,always, reading posts. After week two, I just got really down,couldn't shake it, just felt so hopeless and weepy. Think I fell off that pink cloud with a bang!
My husband,who is so supportive,says he wants to understand but he doesn't understand. So I find it difficult to explain to him,how it feels,how I feel. This site has kept me sane, well sanish Daily I read posts that could of been written by me, that helps me more than I can ever say. I don't feel so alone in this. Something that Dee posted really hit home with the way i'm feeling now...... I don't know who my sober self is.That terrifies me. I feel like I have this relentless voice in my head questioning me all the time, and I can't get away from it. I guess I didn't have to think too much when I was drinking or hungover, maybe it's my brain just functioning again,who knows?
Anyway I don't like it, it makes me anxious. I'm hoping that settles down in a while. I need decent sleep.
It's fantastic to see familiar names still hanging in there! You are all strong amazing people. I don't post when I'm down, I don't like moaning or feeling sorry for myself,or putting negativity out there, I wanna post good stuff but that ain't real life so ill try be better at posting in future.
Today was a good day,the awful low mood is beginning to shift,I hope!I'm impatient,I want someone to say on day 40 (for example) you will feel great sober,everything will click into place etc but I know it doesn't work like that. So i'll keep on making plans,working on my sobriety, because I cannot be still or caught off guard. That is the most priceless advice I have got off SR.
Day 20 tomorrow!!!

Ramblings of an unhinged,but sober, Irish woman

Dee74

Give yourself time Sugar - the sober you is nothing to fear - it's you after all.

Some recovery approaches have a name for that Voice - the addictive voice or AV. It mostly babbles...its aim is to steer us back to active addiction.

Don't let it

D

tomli

I'm in! Last drink Feb 5th, 2015.

Tom

Dee74

welcome Tomli

D

simplex

Checking in to the class. Today is the end of day 3 for me which is where I usually hit a self imposed "wall." But I've been proactive this time and intend to keep it up by reading and posting here. It feels good being with people in the same boat, hope you all are well tonight.

lilac0721

Yeah, that darn AV tried to get me after work today. this is my second day 2 in the past 2 weeks. It was MUCH easier to resist the AV tonight. This is evidence that the more we practice not giving in to urges, the easier it gets. Last week, day 2 was kind of tough.

So I am sitting here in front of my laptop and sipping flavored sparkling water. It tastes Sooooo much better than the vodka and tonics I used to drink!

gtg5000

Glad I found you guys, I didn't realize there were classes to join, I'm day 16 and am determined!

I bought a house today...yay!! But the most surreal situation occurred during settlement. The real estate agent was obviously hammered. She was slurring her words, reeked of alcohol, talking loudly and bouncing into walls. There were five other people in the room and nobody batted an eye at her behavior.

By the time I left my nerves were shot, I couldn't believe how we all sat there and pretended like nothing was happening. For me, I knew I just had to sign the papers and get out of there as quick as possible.

I always prided myself on being a highly functional alcoholic and that nobody knew, I wonder if she thinks the same thing?? Was I her? No, because I only drank at home. I would never make a spectacle of myself in public. But wait...my kids...was I her with them...omg!

The whole thing shook me up, it really re-enforced my decision to stay sober!

AGAGONNHOJ

Been avoiding them mostly, since New Years. Been spending a lot of time alone, doing loads of running.

Problem was, I miss the social atmosphere, and my friends whom I often hung out with there.

So in the end, I came to a deal - that I'd go there, but if I felt like I couldn't stop myself from having a drink, I'd leave straight away.

And it wasn't a problem - like I say, I just sipped on a cup of tea - and then a fruit shake (Thailand is good for fresh fruits). Left circa midnight, having neither had a drink, nor even wanted to. Seeing my friends, being happy to see them, was more than enough.

Didn't think it would be an issue, really, as my problem, I'm pretty sure, was never physical addiction per se - more of a mental dependency. Even as I've had some serious problems in the past, they were context-dependent- if I wasn't in a good place (which over the past few years has been many times), I'd find myself drinking heavily, whether in a bar or at home (after a visit to a corner shop).

If in a good place, however, I'd quite happily go to a bar, buy a drink, have a sip or two of it - and then pretty much forget about it for an hour, the drink sat in front of me, forgotten.

And right now, I'm in a pretty ******* good place

Dee74

Fair enough. Hope it continues not to be a problem for you

D