Learning how to live
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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I have some character defects that I tried to drown with booze. Then the booze became my character defect and now those things I never liked about myself don't seem so bad. Just human. And when I get to feeling down (which is a lot recently) I try to think of my character strengths, like that I'm funny, I'm caring, I can cook. Yes, I do count cooking as a character strength 
Next time you are feeling extra honest, make a list of your strengths, just in case you need to look at it in a time of need.
Next time you are feeling extra honest, make a list of your strengths, just in case you need to look at it in a time of need.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,552
Originally Posted by shinebright7 
Hi Jennifer, I found your post because SugarBear told me about it in the chatroom tonight. She said it was a really honest post and that it might be helpful to me as a Friend/Family member. She was right. I especially related to what you said about how "normal" people don't like me and they don't know why. I feel like this is the case with my AH and my sister. She doesn't know him all that well, but I can tell she doesn't respect him from the get go. Me on the other hand, as a codependent, I get mad at her when she's not nice to him or she's sarcastic or condescending. Before I knew the extent of his addiction, I just thought he was a sensitive guy who had been through a lot of hard times in his life and needed a soft place to land. I fell in love with him not knowing that his addiction issues were actually unhealed. My sister? I guess she saw something else and realized there was something off about him. Another friend of mine has a gambling addiction. Tons of "normal" people don't like him. My BFF has been codependent in her relationships and she got wrapped up in all sorts of his addiction. Other people actually said to her when they were dating, "I don't know what it is about him, but I just don't like him." She didn't know what to make of that because she felt a big connection to him. They're not dating anymore, but they do do the back and forth thing because he's very persistent and manipulative, and she's very, well...without boundaries. I find it fascinating! My sister's BS radar is way more fine-tuned than mine. I put up with way more -- and then tell myself that it's because I'm compassionate and have a big heart and I'm not judgmental. But then when the crappy behavior from the addict comes in my direction, I'm devastated, judgmental, and feel victimized. Ugh. Mh husband is also always picking on other people and judging what's not right about them. (Related to what you said about making other people look bad so you look good.) Even people on TV, he's judging how they're aging so poorly or how their situation is so messed up (like on a cooking show and they're telling their background about how they became a chef). It's constantly putting others down, judging someone's choice in car, whatever. I appreciate that you shared this because it make me feel less crazy that I see it in my AH. I don't know your story, Jennifer, but as I read this post, I experienced it as your being very honest about the truth of where you're at with your alcoholism -- noticing what you do in character defects so that you can improve. I can only hope that my husband discovers a smidgen of the honesty that I see here in you today. Thank for your sharing and all the best with your renewed recovery. ((((hugs)))
Jennifer
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,552
And of course I re read your post and am going to add onto that. It really is fascinating how these actions flow.
People can usually feel when something is "off" with another individual. Secure people seem to listen to their gut and distance themselves. And insecure seem to jump right on in. I have done this my whole life. I jump into bad relationships and I don't know why.
I know I am insecure. I feel opportunities for relationships are far and few so I'm afraid to be selective. And maybe I feel better about myself if I'm with someone worse off than me. But then I take the pile of junk I decided to have a relationship with and try and fix it...repair it and try and make a normal person. Wouldn't that make me some kind of a god? If I can't fix myself why am I trying to fix someone else? It is so much easier to pick apart someone else's faults that face my own.
Jennifer
People can usually feel when something is "off" with another individual. Secure people seem to listen to their gut and distance themselves. And insecure seem to jump right on in. I have done this my whole life. I jump into bad relationships and I don't know why.
I know I am insecure. I feel opportunities for relationships are far and few so I'm afraid to be selective. And maybe I feel better about myself if I'm with someone worse off than me. But then I take the pile of junk I decided to have a relationship with and try and fix it...repair it and try and make a normal person. Wouldn't that make me some kind of a god? If I can't fix myself why am I trying to fix someone else? It is so much easier to pick apart someone else's faults that face my own.
Jennifer
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
hi Jennifer,
i'm often told i'm too hard on myself, which leaves me feeling unheard, mostly. and suspicious of how "easy" others might be...on themselves and on me.
i was also very good at making others think/feel there's something wrong with them. still am. but can exercise more choice now about going that route.
staying sober has given me the time and space to step back and see what i really do.
sounds to me like you're probably being realistic. which gives you a great shot at righting what you can.
and thanks for the honest post.
i'm often told i'm too hard on myself, which leaves me feeling unheard, mostly. and suspicious of how "easy" others might be...on themselves and on me.
i was also very good at making others think/feel there's something wrong with them. still am. but can exercise more choice now about going that route.
staying sober has given me the time and space to step back and see what i really do.
sounds to me like you're probably being realistic. which gives you a great shot at righting what you can.
and thanks for the honest post.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by countrygirl2014
But then I take the pile of junk I decided to have a relationship with and try and fix it...repair it and try and make a normal person. Wouldn't that make me some kind of a god? If I can't fix myself why am I trying to fix someone else? It is so much easier to pick apart someone else's faults that face my own.
Jennifer
Jennifer
I really felt like my husband needed me. Like I was there to help nurture him and give him love he didn't have before. He of course gobbled it up, but then his disease started to take advantage of me.
I was LOVING MY LIFE as a single woman...everything was flowing in the best way. And when my soon-to-be-husband came into my life I was like THANK YOU UNIVERSE. It just felt like everything was still flowing so perfectly. So I welcomed him into my life with open arms, even though I could tell that he'd be hurt and damaged along his life path. To me, that wasn't a problem. I was all about the unconditional love and whatever it is, we can deal with it together.
But turns out, he couldn't be a team player. He was too self-centered. So we didn't have that united front...us against the world type of thing. It became me against his disease. And I eventually got so worn down. The disease was definitely winning. Over him and over me. Ugh!
Definitely there were issues that were unresolved in my life, particularly with my childhood, but when I am single, my issues never come up! It's only in intimate relationships that my codependency flares up like a mutha and then I'm freaking out and wanting to run away just to get away from the triggers.
<sigh>
Right now I'm committed to supporting my AH the best I can while he starts his program. I'm going to Al-Anon meetings and getting into step 1 work. I asked him to stay in the living room because we just aren't functioning as a regular husband and wife right now. We aren't talking much, but that's fine with me because I don't enjoy hearing his messed up thinking -- whether it's about being critical of someone on TV or telling me he know how so and so should be doing something differently, or even what kind of tires I should put on my car. Eff that! I just went to the tire place and picked out tires myself on Friday and it felt great!
Thanks for the thought-provoking conversation, Jennifer. So glad to have found your thread and meet you. I appreciate your honesty and willing to share.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
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Jennifer, you have given me a lot to reflect on, thank you.
You've been really honest with yourself and that can only be a good thing. I think that it is necessary to recognise our weak spots as well as our strengths.
I am hugely judgemental, and am consciously working on that.
But as others have said, it's also good to balance that with your strengths and the things you like about yourself.
For me the main thing is that I can change and it is all up to me, and that gives me power to do something about the things I don't like, by whatever method works -praying, counselling, working on things in my daily life, making amends, what ever.
I think you're doing great xx
You've been really honest with yourself and that can only be a good thing. I think that it is necessary to recognise our weak spots as well as our strengths.
I am hugely judgemental, and am consciously working on that.
But as others have said, it's also good to balance that with your strengths and the things you like about yourself.
For me the main thing is that I can change and it is all up to me, and that gives me power to do something about the things I don't like, by whatever method works -praying, counselling, working on things in my daily life, making amends, what ever.
I think you're doing great xx
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,552
Shine bright...(((hugs))) it is so nice to meet you.
Alanon is a good thing, something I may have to partake in myself. But step work....ahhhhh...I'm very early in my step work but I can tell you it is going to help you tremendously. I find myself working on me instead of worrying what the other person is doing. Which is a nice break for the co dependant.
All of you who posted, your posts have helped me also...(insert big sigh of relief here). This is teamwork. Even if we aren't consciously doing it. Thank you so much for helping me grow.
Jennifer
Alanon is a good thing, something I may have to partake in myself. But step work....ahhhhh...I'm very early in my step work but I can tell you it is going to help you tremendously. I find myself working on me instead of worrying what the other person is doing. Which is a nice break for the co dependant.
All of you who posted, your posts have helped me also...(insert big sigh of relief here). This is teamwork. Even if we aren't consciously doing it. Thank you so much for helping me grow.
Jennifer
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